Jump to content

[✓] Sol Invicta, the Fallen Titan


Tsuyose
 Share

Recommended Posts

Just now, Eileen The Crow said:

Interesting concept, but the name is a bit much. The vagueness of her abilities and overall purpose is a tad worrying. I assume she will be played by you or some LT/ET? Will she only appear for events or general interactions with the 'multiple communities'? Stop dark souls 2017

 

It's  equivalent to Mordring or Azdromoth, per say. Their prowess and I suppose you could say overall purpose is vague albeit confined to the general concept of their predecessors. Ykella'Fiat Lux, her appropriate name being: 'Ykella' with 'Fiat Lux' being the Latin addition: "Let there be light" which, in my opinion, befits the initial character prior to her fall. Latin = LoTC's equivalent to Gods tongue. She will also be played by myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The article is well written, although the use of 'The Eternal Fire' confuses me seeing as that's an Azdrazi belief. I suppose the more the merrier!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I suppose it's written well, and this character already existed to an extent in canon, right? Why does she have so many abilities? Just being partly aengudaemonic by blood doesn't really do that, as far as I know. As the ascended are great examples, they have aengul blood, but it doesn't really do anything to them unless they became an ascended, yeah? I guess it was just Xan that decided to give greater favor and bestow his abilities to his child or what? Finally, this seems very much like a form of 'personal lore', if you ask me. I don't think this would realistically do much for the server as a whole. I'm not trying to talk bad of it, just giving my thoughts.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just now, Gladuos said:

I suppose it's written well, and this character already existed to an extent in canon, right? Why does she have so many abilities? Just being partly aengudaemonic by blood doesn't really do that, as far as I know. As the ascended are great examples, they have aengul blood, but it doesn't really do anything to them unless they became an ascended, yeah? I guess it was just Xan that decided to give greater favor and bestow his abilities to his child or what? Finally, this seems very much like a form of 'personal lore', if you ask me. I don't think this would realistically do much for the server as a whole. I'm not trying to talk bad of it, just giving my thoughts.

3
 

She is the legitimate child to a descendant Aengul, the founder of the magic. Thereby extent she contains far more prowess than the Ascended. The Ascended are merely deific folk who have had their extremely, very extremely diluted Aengulic blood activated. When an Aengul/Daemon descends and has a child, it is half-mortal half-God, hence the 'Demi-Aengul' concept. (Every descendant has the equivalent to, per say, 1% Aengul blood coursing through their veins. Extremely diluted, too extreme for anything prevalent to transpire.)

 

A lot can happen in relation to the server- talks are even in the process now. Though, don't get me wrong, she isn't intended as a full-on protagonist or antagonist.

Link to post
Share on other sites

28 minutes ago, Tsuyose said:

She is the legitimate child to a descendant Aengul, the founder of the magic. Thereby extent she contains far more prowess than the Ascended. The Ascended are merely deific folk who have had their extremely, very extremely diluted Aengulic blood activated. When an Aengul/Daemon descends and has a child, it is half-mortal half-God, hence the 'Demi-Aengul' concept. (Every descendant has the equivalent to, per say, 1% Aengul blood coursing through their veins. Extremely diluted, too extreme for anything prevalent to transpire.)

 

A lot can happen in relation to the server- talks are even in the process now. Though, don't get me wrong, she isn't intended as a full-on protagonist or antagonist.


I guess you could say that, but at the same time I'm saying there hasn't been much precedence for a base on saying more aengul blood = more power. Unless you can list a ton of examples, that is. Otherwise, I can see a lot of potential for allowing that to be the case. Such as allowing a race of beings that have magical powers that are more fluid and intuitive than the well-learned wizards. I mean in places such as DnD, there are sorcerers which have inherent powers based on their magical heritage: like having a god or dragon ancestor (although Nephilim may already fill the role of the latter). I guess that's something interesting to think about. Next to that, does that mean more full aengudaemons could theoretically form should two aengudaemon manifest and have a child together for some reason?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was wondering when you was going to post this up, Tsu.

+1 from me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This badly needs organization and a summary.

 

i wouldn't say the lore itself is poor, it just needs better presentation so it can be interpreted more easily. Summary especially!

Link to post
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, Aesopian said:

This badly needs organization and a summary.

 

i wouldn't say the lore itself is poor, it just needs better presentation so it can be interpreted more easily. Summary especially!

 
 

Organization? It's a lore piece detailing her history, that's literally it. I won't provide a summary, you should read it.

 

Edit: You can find clarification on the link I've submitted on the thread now.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Alright, so, normally, I don't do this.

 

But, since I have to read the entire piece anyway, might as well. I will critique it below. 

 

5 hours ago, Tsuyose said:

 

YKELLA’FIAT LUX, THE FALLEN TITAN

 

No. Do not name a creature after yourself. Call it Ykella, Ybobba, whatever, but not Ykella'FIATLUX.

 

“When I was birthed, he bathed me in fire and ushered a solemn phrase that weaved into the fibres of my immortal essence; but that essence has since then been tinged in ebon hellfire, and his fires have faded- I have been reborn and baptised in Order.”

 

The concept behind this opening line is fine -- a creature describing their creation -- but it's filled with grammatical errors (birthed => born, ushered => uttered), and suffers from poor syntax (if she was born, corrupted, and then reborn, say so, as it stands it seems like she's being corrupted by being baptized).

 

Ykella’Fiat Lux, a once illustrious Demi-Aengul who had accomplished many-a-feat including the near extinction of the dragonkin. The authority that brought ruin, death, and decay to the unorthodox species both present and future, for her word of power ushered throughout the annals of the Athna lineage. Although, this, and more prominently renowned as being the firstborn child of Xan, Aengul of Order and Guardianship alike she adopted the raw trait of ‘ORDER’ and ever since instated the doctrine of Order without mercy. Thereby extension, she was proclaimed both a grandiose leader albeit ripe with tyranny. Disobedience was never a factor in the Order she maintained and the death of their foes was an unrelenting statement.

 

Wording is clumsy. For example, 'The authority that brought ruin, death, and decay to the unorthodox species both present and future, for her word of power ushered throughout the annals of the Athna lineage.' Is she this authority? Is a word of power a thing, even? Again, grammatical errors are frequent in the rest of the text (thereby extension => thereby, she was proclaimed both a grandiose leader albeit ripe with tyranny => she was proclaimed both a grandiose leader and a tyrant).

 

However, when her reign was at its peak her brotherhood was ambushed via a fleet of draconic creatures, emblazing her mother’s homeland and in retaliation Ykella’Fiat Lux summoned the Guardian’s Grimoire and with its seemingly boundless power transported the remnant forces of the first draft of the Order of the Golden Lance into the Fringe, the unrelenting force of Xan’s azure power incarnate tore her asunder, and their tyrannical Lady was presumed dead at the behest of her fair Father. Wrong, they were, and she found herself between the decrepit walls of her kiln. Nought but cinder and ash beneath a forest of flaring fire.

 

'Emblazing' is often used to describe an emblazon, 'setting aflame' would be better here. Also, huge run-on sentence here. This entire paragraph is literally composed of two sentences. And, I'm just going to mention this here, but you really don't need to extend your text so much (the unrelenting force of Xan's azure power incarnate tore her asunder => Xan's azure power tore her asunder). 

 

Although her immortal essence was bound to the kiln and with its existence, ensured hers, she could not perish via any mere feat. Eventually, she found herself reforming although many-a-year late. When Iblees and Aerial alike ravaged the lands of Aegis, heralding damnation, her catalyst provided ample protection in her dire time of need- albeit it wasn't up until the amassed power brought havoc and tore the earth asunder, producing the gaping abyss we know today was when she fell.

 

Saying 'many-a-year' is clumsy, simply saying 'many years' rolls better, this is true for the other cases you've used this as well. Again, same comments from before with regards to extending your text.

 

And as she fell, so did her immortal essence, her fires faded.

 

Except, death is a fallacy when faced with an Immortal.

 

And by extension, her fires reformed.

 

Her kiln bound betwixt the tenebrous panels of the ever consuming Abyss, now tinged in an ebon mass to signify her fallen status; she was left to her own devices, abandoned by her Father. And it was then that she discovered the Legion to which she cradled betwixt her everloving limbs, bringing life into their decrepit husks and brought them into a newfound era to which they would stand as her vanguard. An army to her heart.

 
With the Legion she had developed, she pursued the concept of Order within the tenebrous realm of the Abyss, conquering a large sect of land to accompany her growing empire, consisting of her spectral-esque forces and the unorthodox alike; her prowess and capability drew in a myriad of folk to which her very own Order began its evolution. From one sect, to two, the Fallen Titan adopted the myriad of lost souls roaming the depths of the Abyss, heralding their souls past this life, to the new, where they may rejoice in the loving embrace of their forefathers and Maker alike; those that remained, equipped an onyx cloak to conceal their undying features- her numbers increased substantially into a horrific, abhorrent force.
 
You refrain from using simple words here, and it harms your writing. 'Dark', 'shadowed', etc. these are your friends! Using other words makes your writing much more tenebrous! That is, impossible to parse without a dictionary. You are writing for young adults, not seasoned veterans of literature. Furthermore, YOU are a young adult, and a grasp on how to use these words is only developed over a very long time. This does a lot to make your writing very hard to understand -- I can't even tell exactly why she fell, or is referred to as a Titan. Again, my prior comments are also true here (army to her heart => army of her heart). 
 

Though it wasn't until the Titan sought the Temple of Yore, situated betwixt the annals of the tenebrous Abyss- proclaiming the temple as hers, it would mean a grandiose goal to the completion of her goal. The subjugation of the Abyss to preserve her acute sense of Order- was, when the great, skeletal beast took notice of her advancing forces. He took flight, accompanying him his Dragonflight. Both sides clashed in a myriad of skirmishes and sieges alike, demolishing one another with the full intent of Mordring protecting the historical contents of the Abyss- The Temple of the Black Sun, against Ykella’Fiat Lux’s intent of demolishing it and instating one anew, kindling for her flame.

 

However, come the climax of their inevitable battle Mordring had deceived a sect of Ykella’Fiat Lux’s gathering- and she would later come to realise the negativity of her waywardness. The ebon depths, unorthodoxly ignited via ebon hellfire spewed from the likes of Mordring and Ykella alike in their mock battle of weening down one another’s foes produced a grandiose battlefield, broken and torn, the earth split asunder with a seemingly eternal spout of azure liquid cascading from the heavens above.

 
Same deal. It is important not to have ambiguity in your writing unless it is very purposeful -- there are surely more than one great skeletal beasts in the Abyss. You are also beginning to reuse many of your big words, e.g. grandiose, instead of just making use of their smaller forms, e.g. 'a grand battlefield'. 
 

Mordring set foot upon the sacred land of what once was Aegis, footsteps ripe with a melancholic crunch as his joints clanked with his advancement upon the invading force- staff raised, the pseudo-Aengul was beckoned by the lamented Lich, whose hand was forced by the Fallen Titan, so she were duly dubbed. With solemn tranquility bequeathing the decrepit homeland, a bell tolled, the key signification to Ykella’Fiat Lux’s arrival as she emerged from between the onyx passage to reveal a set of wings, wrapped in an azure hue, clad in a gilded suit with chain cast from an ebon mass to signify her fallen status- albeit were the grandiose great hammer clasped betwixt her digits with the reminiscent bell atop its spine, monstrous in size- the equivalent to a grand mace. With a split of her jaws, the elder lady spoke with a tone exhuming with raw authority albeit soothing to the ears of those she commandeered as her forces. A lullaby, to settle the dumbed minds of those she cradled dear.

 

They took to one knee as she settled atop the earth, great hammer raised toward the unorthodox Mordring who stood stalwart before the final frontier that would be his demise- his life, his home, and that what he swore to protect were at risk- although Mordring the Gallant wasn’t without his deceit. She did, indeed, speak aloud to those present:

 

'Unorthodox' is not a universal sentence enhancer. 

 

“Ashen Ones, thou needn’t cower behind the unorthodox Mordring, a soul once noble- once illustrious, now decrepit and warped from its former image. Kindling for the Eternal Fire, I will take it all, and thine souls shalt be baptised by mine fire of yore; rise, my children, and let us claim fuel for the fire.”

 

You want her to sound medieval-esque, and that's fine. However, doing so just based on what you feel isn't a good idea. You should look up this speech pattern and adopt it in your writing, otherwise you will have failings.
 

Albeit weren’t up until she’d noticed her army wouldn’t raise, forced into a catatonic state at the behest of Mordring with an object clutched betwixt his ivory digits- poised high, they were damned to deaf and silence, unable to recognise the simple notion of adhering their commander. It provided ample time for a rogue faction situated within the ranks of Ykella’Fiat Lux to take their opportunity, and that they did. For the Titan found her frame hunched backwards, emphasising a curve whilst the jawbone of a deceased dragon, slaughtered by her hands and no other had found itself lodged into the spine of Ykella, and out through her frame- effectively impaled through and through.

 

Unable to perish by the simple notion nor live right, an ethereal ritual had begun to take place whilst the artefact clutched by Mordring shattered- enabling Ykella’s forces to arise, but they remained poised, sundered by the illiterate cries of their Lady. Mordring’s forces took their chance, and promptly massacred through the denizen of her men and women alike whilst they remained stoic, worshipping their forlorn lady; ushering their prayers to their respective undead lord.

 

It is important to review your work before submitting it, in detail. 'Albeit' what? Again, grammar has issues here. 'they were damned to deaf and silence', 'deaf' isn't the word you want to use here.

 
Tortured souls brought to their inevitable demise, only to be reinstated back into their everlasting selves; rot, gore, and undeath. Mordring took his advance, producing a scathed blade which he wielded to cleave her wings in two- severing them from her frame, and the Lich promptly buried the blade betwixt her shoulder-blades in two, separate circles- prying outward, he began the notion of a meagre blood eagle, allowing the mixture of scarlet and fluorescent blood to flow free from her newfound wounds.

 

 

With newly drawn wings split wide, revealing the panels of her mangled spine, muscle, and vein alike- the abhorrent Lich splattered a rune of Gods bloods beneath her feet, binding the Demi-Aengul to the jawbone of the dragon until she perished. His last, final decree, after her forces had dwindled considerably was to retract- Ykella, crucified atop a hill overlooking the sanctuary would be punished with glowering onward toward that what she sought to conquest.

 

Both Mordring and Ykella’Fiat Lux alike, bound to their respective positions- the custodian of the Abyss standing stalwart for fourteen days and thirteen nights whilst a murder of crows feasted upon her corpse, devouring the pallid flesh of Ykella- her screams of pure agony sundered the Abyss, bellowing across the entirety of its contents whilst strip-by-strip was cleaved free in minuscule sects, revealing an array of mangled flesh and bone beneath.

 

Eventually, she passed from her forced catatonic state, and back to her hearth where she would, she pressed into a state of reformation for how many ever years to come. Her once undying corpse now a riddled mess of rot and gore alike- lacking three limbs, hanging idle by a few strands of unrelenting flesh, atop the jawbone, it remained albeit lost to the primordial passage of time.

 

Although, now, time had passed. The remnant force of her legion, linked to the eternal fire had gathered and constructed two, ivory towers beside the first- the final frontier to their undying Lady’s heart, and there they took to one knee with their blade’s poised against the earth in their gesture of praise, ushering a silent worship. Decades would pass, then two centuries before she was permitted the right to reform; amidst fire and ash sprouted the limbs of Ykella’Fiat Lux- a scorched woman, clad in ethereal steel, although. Something had changed.

 

The seeds of discord had been sown, a fire quenched elsewhere, and weaved into the fibres of Ykella’Fiat Lux- albeit didn’t thwart her desire for subjugation and order, it empowered her need and so... She shifted her head upright to gaze toward the Black Sun...

 

 

Phew (oopsie), sort of ran out of steam at the end there, but you can assume my earlier comments apply to the later stuff. This is probably a 5/10 piece. It wouldn't survive on the SCP Foundation.

 

It needs a lot of work in terms of rendering it into something which can be read and understood easily. It's very difficult to actually get what is being said in the entire piece, and I'm still struggling to put it together. This is in part due to the breadth of the lore, which can't really be fixed, but is also due in part to the author -- simple language is useful, and it's exhausting to read overly complicated text which serves no real purpose than to be 'grandiose', as it might be put. 

 

To summarize: this lore needs work, and should not be accepted as it currently stands. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, Aesopian said:

Alright, so, normally, I don't do this.

 

But, since I have to read the entire piece anyway, might as well. I will critique it below. 

 

 

Few, sort of ran out of steam at the end there, but you can assume my earlier comments apply to the later stuff. This is probably a 5/10 piece. It wouldn't survive on the SCP Foundation.

 

It needs a lot of work in terms of rendering it into something which can be read and understood easily. It's very difficult to actually get what is being said in the entire piece, and I'm still struggling to put it together. This is in part due to the breadth of the lore, which can't really be fixed, but is also due in part to the author -- simple language is useful, and it's exhausting to read overly complicated text which serves no real purpose than to be 'grandiose', as it might be put. 

 

To summarize: this lore needs work, and should not be accepted as it currently stands. 

 
 

I won't fault you there, I've issues re-reading my work. Regardless, thanks for the advice. Though I have to say, this character is already canon. This is a clarification to her backstory. (To be fair, I'd sent it through like thirteen people prior to submitting it. Swgrclan being one of those.)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Bit of confusion, if it is already a Canon Character then why is it in Lore Submissions and not in a Character Profile section? Seems to be a better spot to put a Backstory/Information post about a character. Tad confused there on my end.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just now, Braxis said:

Bit of confusion, if it is already a Canon Character then why is it in Lore Submissions and not in a Character Profile section? Seems to be a better spot to put a Backstory/Information post about a character. Tad confused there on my end.

 

The character is canon although there's little to no lore in relation to her. This is me, making her 'fallen' status appropriate. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

The biggest issue I have here is. You play Xan. You'll now play Xan's daughter. You play Xan's prophet. You play Xan's prophet's son. When will it end? Xan's doggo? Xan's toilet?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.



×
×
  • Create New...