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The Ugly Truth on Toby Junior, 1668

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The Ugly Truth on Toby Junior


“It’s Been Over a Hundred Years Since Something Crawled Up His Family’s Ass and Died”


A damning, informative pamphlet on the latest Stauntonite thug and his family’s agenda


Written by Cousin Otis, 1668



Lo’ and behold, while the realm of man was recovering from years of conflict and progressing in a path cultivating faith, the arts, commerce and so on, Eagle Scout Toby Junior descended on Atlas [1]. It’s been two years now and most of us know little about the young Stauntonite Overlord. That is, until now! Dear readers, I have received a full disclosure on everything one needs to know about Toby Junior. This war will be over before you know it, don’t let it pass you by uninformed! Say what you will about Toby Junior, but the Stauntonite Dictator knows enough basic arithmetic to figure out numbers are important (partially). If he has more men fielded than his enemy he should be able to avoid getting curb stomped, right? [2]. Not at all, refer to The Dappening, 1668. Even when Toby Junior manages to corale his following of vipers, disgruntled heretics and non-human banditos to outnumber a small Renatian retinue he still finds himself outmatched by King Aurelius, Protector of the Heartlanders and Defender of the Faithful. But this pamphlet is not about the beloved Renatian ruler - it is an introductory to someone we’ve just met: Toby Junior.


     [1]. Debatable because no one has seen him in person.

     [2]. Toby Junior has decided the likelihood of being curb stomped is extremely high each engagement with his enemy and therefore stays home while his men fight.


Modest Upbringing Outside of Humanity


Toby Junior cosplaying as a Mali’ker in his formative years[3].


The ambitious Toby Junior who seeks to bring humanity under his rule received a ‘cultured’ upbringing being raised among a tribe of Mali’ker stowed away on a tropical island miles away from our continent [4]. Upon reaching Atlas, he told his closest confidants how he found squatting down and taking a **** in a hole he dug five minutes beforehand as culturally enriching and that he hoped to share this pastime with the humanity he hoped to meld into his own image. Despite his family being so far detached from humanity for the last century, he still believes he is fit to rule humanity when he himself has no actual allegiance to. Look back to Toby Senior whose Kingdom toppled over itself after a decade’s rule under him [5]. There are those who will say that Toby Junior’s unique upbringing would be a benefit to humanity, but this is a lie and I will tell you why.


     [3]. Disgusting example of blackface.

     [4]. It is said that this tribe of mali’ker are descended from the survivors of Aleksandria, who made up the majority of the city’s population.

     [5].Refer back to [4]. His son also killed himself five years later.


How Is Toby Junior Different You Ask?


A depiction of Toby Junior and Emma After Domestic Abuse


Toby Junior is an uncivilized, nasty man unfamiliar with the laws of man (or decency for that matter). His family brutally genocided the good folks of Haense in their Northern Campaign and began taking Haense women for selective breeding. Emma Kovachev is a woman trapped by her stockholm syndrome and unfortunately we can take nothing she says with a hundred percent merit due to the Stautonite brainwashing [6]. But on to how Toby Junior is different, decent men respect the law. Toby Junior has been here for two years and has already stolen property from the Crown and aligned himself with the same bandits who attack women and GOD fearing civilians for no good reason except to fill their pockets. I reckon Toby Junior is in fitting company though given how he abuses women.


     [6]. Emma blink twice if you can understand us.


The following are transcriptions of what really took place:


The Failed Courlandic Bolstering of the Reiver Bandits




“If they won’t play with me, I’ll make them play with me,” said Toby Junior to himself overlooking the forests from on top of Ostmark’s walls. Emma approached him from behind with a platter of cupcakes with green and white frosting, a patriotic and supporting gesture towards her tyrannical betrothed. Toby Junior broke away from silently ranting to himself and looked directly into Emma’s eyes without paying notice to the cupcakes she held out. “What’s the news from the front? And from our allies, the morally good Reivers?”


Emma stammered and the platter shook in her hands. She knew how Toby Junior got when he was angry. “Well, my King…-the shipment containers that held the reinforcements being sent to the morally good Reivers weren’t made with any holes...” As her voice trailed off, Toby Junior stared at her plain face. After a moment of silence, Emma continued “My king, the reinforcements all suffocated in the shipment containers. The dwed forgot to put holes!” Emma began to weep and just as she did, Toby Junior’s faced turned a vibrant tomato red and he swatted the platter of cupcakes out of Emma’s hands. The young Kovachev lady flinched and turned away from her enraged husband, unable to keep herself from trembling at the mercy of her betrothed Stauntonite Overlord.




The Theft of the Margravine of Ostmark




Night of the 3rd Sun’s Smile, 1666


As Regent Lady Aldyth var Burgundar entered her abode in Ostmark, she could hear rummaging in her kitchen larder. Rats, the noblewoman thought to herself as she reached for her broom to whack the rat from her food storage.



“HRRRM.” Toby Junior grunted with a lambchop dangling from his mouth as he turned to Aldyth’s intrusion. Aldyth immediately stopped in her tracks as candle light illuminated the Stauntonite Dictator’s face for her to see in the darkness.


“N-no…” Lady Aldyth moved her right leg back but was paralyzed in fear and could not retreat from Toby Junior as he lumbered over to her.  



“This is mine now.” Toby Junior said emotionlessly.



“W-what? But you can-AHHH!”



Toby Junior raised his right hand, closed fist, into the air and glared down at Aldyth who quivered and retracted back from him. “This is my home now!”



“OKAAAY! OKAY! It’s your home now!” Aldyth screamed. Toby Junior kept his hand raised up high for a moment, and then finally settled down. Aldyth did not notice though, too afraid to look Toby Junior in the eyes.



Morning of the 4th Sun’s Smile, 1666



The Final Call is signed and the Margravine of Ostmark is stolen by Toby Junior.





Interview With Toby Junior’s Verified Former Mistress Juanita




Interviewer: Robin, 9 year old grown man slayer

Interviewee: Juanita, muscular Santegian woman with some peach fuzz


     Robin: Excuse me, Juanita. Can you tell me what Tobias did to you?


     Juanita: Si, si. He heet me.

     Robin: Where did he hit you?

     Juanita: *Juanita points to bruised right eye.* Heere.

     Robin: Thank you Juanita.



Why Does This Matter?


Toby Junior is a foreign invader. Instead of trying to assimilate and make amends for his family’s **** ups, he chooses war despite being offered the opportunity to work towards peace with Renatus. He does not want to contribute to our race, only tear us down for ((them)). It is people like him that keep our people in perpetual war without a real chance to grow and cultivate ourselves. I am a common man of trade and I gain nothing from writing this. But I know I’ll have a better shot at making a decent living under King Aurelius than Toby Junior. Look at his family’s track record.


     Lord Anden Staunton, Duke of Courland 1547-1550. Killed self due to father issues and being usurped. Gave Kraken’s Watch to family’s mortal enemy to spite them before killing self.


     Lord Aleksander Staunton, Duke of Courland 1550-1564. Drove younger brother to kill himself after taking the dukedom from him. Broke the Pacta Conventa meant to keep order in an inter vassal war he agreed       to before the Emperor. Gets exiled and helps second born son nearly destroy humanity.


     Lord Percival II Staunton, Duke of Courland 1564-1571. Had no children and killed off his own lineage [7].


     Toby Senior, Stauntonite Dictator, moved the capital of man to Aleksandria that was predominantly home to Dark Elves and other non human citizens. Ruled a multicultural nation for fifteen years before he got         fat and died.


     Joseph Staunton, Stauntonite Dictator, Allegedly killed self because he failed his father, Toby Senior. Ruled for five years.


     Toby Junior, Present Stauntonite Dictator, Statistically 40% chance of killing self. Stole Crown Land and then cries about Renatian Aggression. No one has seen him yet [8].


     [7]. If you can’t carry your own lineage you probably deserved to die.

     [8]. No one has seen Emma in a year either.


Like his predecessors, Toby Junior doesn’t know how to follow the law. All Stauntonites lack a proper understanding of private property, what an agreement means and how to replicate properly. So they destroy themselves habitually only to wait until their population explodes from furious inbreeding [9]. So let this be the first lesson to Toby Junior:




     [9]. Like lemmings. Who are suicidal as well.

     [10]. Emma are you okay?



“Say sorry and be a better person,” says a civilized Renatian to Toby Junior.


Stop violence against women, teach Toby Junior a lesson

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Radoslav, being the first Renatian witness to Toby Junior's arrival in Atlas recalls following him about before he stowed himself away in a Ruben keep. He remembered hearing the fat jiggle against the engorged steel-plate, cringing as his 'woman'-like followers reassured him of his greatness. "It was a sight to see, da."

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Charles would arche a brow.



Bad meme

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Master Bobo squints his eyes at the pamphlet "ohhhh theese ees veree serious! I wondah eef I can make up some soop what rook sheet and taste sheet but serr foah cheep foah beggahs and name eet Stauntons suicide soop!"


Ooc: Just because you can't come up with a good meme Legoboy doesn't mean you need to throw your toys out the pram in a tantrum and call it **** 

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