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The Fall of the Phoenix


TheDragonsRoost
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Everything burnt to ash in a matter of seconds. The blade was dripping crimson blood as the black robed figure burned brightly with a fire in his eyes. It was slaughter of many rogue elves that had consorted with the humans and the orcs to engage in a war that was never to pass and the fire consumed the bodies of those that fell. He did not want any evidence of what transpired here to exist so that the evidence would be transported back to Okarn’thilln and exile him and his family from the silver city.

 

He began to wipe his blade of the blood that once pumped through the veins of the elves and humans he slaughtered. Ironically, he wouldn’t even partake in the flesh of those he had considered impure so that he could not be tainted before setting the bodies alight. Once the job was done, the figure sat down and watched the place be consumed by the flames that escalated into a bonfire. He sighed as he felt pleased from this sight and began to mutter softly.

 

“My job here is done.” He softly muttered, sheathing his blade. “May their gods look over them and send them to Iblees himself for their deception and betrayal. Now then, I must make my way to Atlas. I have business there to attend to...”

OOC: Due to some things that are best not mentioned, I’m making this edit to say that this story is non-canon and is not endorsed by the LT. This story is only meant to be a entertaining piece, nothing more. Thank you.

Edited by TheDragonsRoost
Added OOC section warning
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End the antagonizing. Consider this a warning, thank you.

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DragonsRoost. I am not trying to antagonize you or otherwise attack you. I’m giving you advice – like a friend, despite the fact we do not know one another. And like a friend, I’m honest. Your writing skills are poor. I have seen 7th graders write better than this. Know that I am not accusing you of this to just dunk on your writing skills and call you out for the sake of it – that would be redundant. I’m here to help. 

 

Below is a rewrite of what you just wrote – I tried to salvage what you’ve written here, with the hope you’ll learn from it. Be aware that I do not know of your original in-universe intentions for the story, so some things may be shifted around when compared to your vision. It’s meant to be an example, after all.

 

Everything burnt to ash in a matter of seconds - floating in the air, the last embers of the lives that once stood there. Remnants of memories, dreams, desires, hopes, ambitions. The figure ones this. He wasn't immune to empathy, despite what he tried to tell himself. His blade dripped crimson blood. These lives, though snuffed, left a mark on it, just as they had on its wielder. He took no pleasure in the atrocity he had committed. Yet as each drop of blood hit the ground, he tried to hide this shame.

 

They deserved it.

 

I has no other choice.

 

It was my duty.

 

It was my duty.

 

Duty. Yes, that was what it was. It would have been an atrocity to leave them alive. To leave but a trace of their existence here was a crime. That is why they burned. What greater a crime than to expose him? To threaten his own duty? Nothing could be left - to trace him back to the silver city would be the end of it. That could not happen. He would be hunted. His family would know. To bring such shame would hurt them. They had no part in this - yet his brethren would turn their eyes to them first. To put those he cared about in danger out of neglect was unnecessary. Not to mention the threat those same brethren would pose to his purpose if they knew. 

 

He began to wipe his blade, sitting down and watching what lay before him be consumed by the flames. They roared in response, sweeping upwards into a great bonfire, as if they agreed with him. Nothing could be left. Only ashes would remain. "My job here is done." He muttered quietly. "May their gods look over them..." He paused.

 

Duty.

 

"...and send them to Iblees himself for their deception and betrayal."

 


When writing an evil or otherwise morally unjustifiable character, it is important to humanize them. Give them real concerns, motivations, thoughts, ambitions, etc. It’s why many find evil characters so interesting. It’s why Milton’s Satan is so well regarded. But be careful to not overdo it, lest you end up with unnecessary angst. 

 

Symbolism is good. Incorporate it often when trying to convey anything complex – but don’t overdo it, lest you confuse the reader and make the symbolism more complex than what it’s actually trying to portray, because the purpose (usually) is to make the ideas easier to understand. Keep it concise, yet detailed. Personification serves the same purpose, but is even easier to pull off. Learn these techniques and your work will benefit immensely.

 

And of course, you may want to have others proofread your work before submitting it to any audience.

 

Please, for your sake and others, take this advice to heart and apply it. And do make sure to post more here and wherever else you wish for your work to be seen – practice makes perfect!

Edited by Krugalicious
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1 minute ago, Krugalicious said:

DragonsRoost. I am not trying to antagonize you or otherwise attack you. I’m giving you advice – like a friend, despite the fact we do not know one another. And like a friend, I’m honest. Your writing skills are poor. I have seen 7th graders write better than this. Know that I am not accusing you of this to just dunk on your writing skills and call you out for the sake of it – that would be redundant. I’m here to help. 

 

Below is a rewrite of what you just wrote – I tried to salvage what you’ve written here, with the hope you’ll learn from it. Be aware that I do not know of your original in-universe intentions for the story, so some things may be shifted around when compared to your vision. It’s meant to be an example, after all.

 

Everything burnt to ash in a matter of seconds - floating in the air, the last embers of the lives that once stood there. Remnants of memories, dreams, desires, hopes, ambitions. The figure ones this. He wasn't immune to empathy, despite what he tried to tell himself. His blade dripped crimson blood. These lives, though snuffed, left a mark on it, just as they had on its wielder. He took no pleasure in the atrocity he had committed. Yet as each drop of blood hit the ground, he tried to hide this shame.

 

They deserved it.

 

I has no other choice.

 

It was my duty.

 

It was my duty.

 

Duty. Yes, that was what it was. It would have been an atrocity to leave them alive. To leave but a trace of their existence here was a crime. That is why they burned. What greater a crime than to expose him? To threaten his own duty? Nothing could be left - to trace him back to the silver city would be the end of it. That could not happen. He would be hunted. His family would know. To bring such shame would hurt them. They had no part in this - yet his brethren would turn their eyes to them first. To put those he cared about in danger out of neglect was unnecessary. Not to mention the threat those same brethren would pose to his purpose if they knew. 

 

He began to wipe his blade, sitting down and watching what lay before him be consumed by the flames. They roared in response, sweeping upwards into a great bonfire, as if they agreed with him. Nothing could be left. Only ashes would remain. "My job here is done." He muttered quietly. "May their gods look over them..." He paused.

 

Duty.

 

"...and send them to Iblees himself for their deception and betrayal."

 

 

When writing an evil or otherwise morally unjustifiable character, it is important to humanize them. Give them real concerns, motivations, thoughts, ambitions, etc. It’s why many find evil characters so interesting. It’s why Milton’s Satan is so well regarded. But be careful to not overdo it, lest you end up with unnecessary angst. 

 

Symbolism is good. Incorporate it often when trying to convey anything complex – but don’t overdo it, lest you confuse the reader and make the symbolism more complex than what it’s actually trying to portray, because the purpose (usually) is to make the ideas easier to understand. Keep it concise, yet detailed. Personification serves the same purpose, but is even easier to pull off. Learn these techniques and your work will benefit immensely.

 

And of course, you may want to have others proofread your work before submitting it to any audience.

 

Please, for your sake and others, take this advice to heart and apply it. And do make sure to post more here and wherever else you wish for your work to be seen – practice makes perfect!

This will be a definite and I’m thankful for your constructive criticism so I shall take this to heart.
Thank you!

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