what once was, what will never be

[ChaoticallyCheshire 635]

Song down below

what once was, what will never be

 

               One, Two, Three, Four… the rows went on and on until the room seemed to long to be real. Perhaps that was the half-empty bottle of alcohol clutched tightly in her grasp, or perhaps that was just the harsh reality of her life. Everyone who died, everyone, she loved that didn’t make it to this very day, all reduced to ashes and sat in this room as a cruel reminder of what she’ll never have again. Suicide, murder, accidental, disease… It struck them down like a sword and left a gaping hole in her heart where her love for them was once stored. There wasn’t much left of it. Arabella once believed that she could patch it up like putty to a wall with the constant presence of others or work. Both were scarce these days, all her friends scattered and gone and all of her children off being their own person, no longer needing her to take care of them like she once did. Her tavern was gone, the city she once put her blood, sweat, and tears gone with it. No one needed her, and that left a suffocating feeling of dread and loneliness in its wake. 

 

The Warhawkes were gone again, much like when she had first met them. All scattered about and lost touch with one another. They had given her a sense of purpose during her time with them, whether it be going on crazy adventures or manning the tavern they always brought joy to her life. She didn’t even know where most of them went off into the shadows to live on their own and that beautiful sense of community that she loved oh so much went with them. 

 

She was reduced to feeling useless and spent, her time was up. The clock had stopped ticking, and maybe that's because no one was around to put in the work to fix it or maybe that was because Ara knew that there was nothing left for her. She had raised her family to live without her, they’ll protect one another like always, Luna or Lyra would probably take in her youngest, who were old enough to live on their own but had never left home before. They’d watch out for them, surely they would. A Delevoye always chooses family above everything. 

 

She’d seen where she’d go after death, Dak’ir had briefly taken her there on a spirit walk once, and she knew she’d finally feel the happiness that once filled her up to the brim, left her smiling and dazed with a carefree sense of fulfillment with the life she led. At times things got dark and scary, she lost a lot and saw too many awful things for her to count. But she’d let it all go once she was finally surrounded by her old relatives and loved ones once more. The love of her life would be there, and her parents, children of hers that broke her in half upon their deaths. She’d see them all again, and more. 

 

Arabella thought of all the dinners and parties hosted for the family. How every year in Axios on their boat Ara would put together something on their main deck for anyone to attend. Her favorite party will always be the krugsmas one when Lyra was just a little girl, she ate all the cookies meant for decorating and everyone was basking in the holiday spirit, smiling. Kalvo was there, alive and that realization just seemed to deepen her need for what she was currently doing. He was gone, and so many others went with him. A few years later went her granddaughter, weak and sickly she was but full of spirit and love. 

 

She hopes that all her children look back fondly on their memories with her, that Luna remembers their afternoons spent doll making in the windmill and Lyra remembers being in the kitchen with her mom. That Nerrin won’t forget that she raised him, that Luna might be his mother but she put in the hard work when it came to parenting her grandson. She doesn’t know what she wants Atlas to remember, just something pleasant, something good that wasn’t tainted by his father or that dark time when things went awry. Maybe Astrid, Aries, and Nova will really only remember her funeral, they are old enough to hold their own but everyone else got decades upon decades with her. She feels selfish for a moment, thinking about them, but one last glance at all the urns lined up in this room full of grief just solidifies her plan.

 

Ara left her shrine room, knowing soon she’d see the people whose ashes took up the space of such a winding and dark place. Maybe she’d finally get to apologize to her cousin and hug her father. The once clear alcohol swished around the bottle as she swayed, it had been tinted a light golden hue upon her adding in the necessary amount of the poison. She was slowly starting to feel it, constricting her airways and making her light headed. She dropped the bottle at the foot of her bed, the glass shattering and embedding itself into her feet and legs. But with the light and airy feeling that enveloped Ara, she did not react and simply fell down onto her bed, slowly turning onto her back and staring up at the light purple canopy of her bed. She knew it was finally coming, her end. All life was slipping away from her, all her woes and worries floating off into the stiff air of the room and despite herself and her predicament, a giggle escaped her as she drew her last breath.

 

---

The following letters would be for the selected people. The letters would be found stacked neatly upon her vanity

 

To Luna

Spoiler

To my darling eldest, my lifesaver in more ways than one. You brought me the strength to press on during the darkest of times and filled my life with overflowing joy. I never knew how strong love could really consume a person until I held you in my arms and gazed into your beautiful purple eyes. You’ve grown into a strong young woman who has conquered so many challenges and obstacles in life and yet you stand tall, I’ve always admired your resilience and hope that throughout the rest of your life you carry on with that same strength that has carried you through your life. You were the beginning Luna, and without you, I would not be here today. Live life a little more carefree, put the bottle down, love yourself and your son, and please look after your siblings, they don’t have me to do that anymore. 

 

Love, your mother. 

 

 

To Lyra

Spoiler

To my mischievous shining star. Raising you was a bright part of my life that wasn’t as tainted as other bits. Your father would be proud of the witty young woman you are today and your grandfather would applaud you on your ambition and intelligence. I will always, even after death, love you for every little part of you. When you were little I was scared to have you out of my sight, worried you’d be ripped from my grasp like your father, and yet here you are today and I thank the stars for that. Carry on your work, but allow yourself to step out of your comfort zone, make friends, live, dance under the stars. And please help Luna take care of your siblings, they can be quite a handful. I love you to the moon and back little Lyra. 

 

Love, your mother. 

 

 

To Atlas

Spoiler

    To my son, kissed by fire. I had always wanted a little boy, my mother told me that it was very important if I planned on having the family name carry on. But when I held you in my arms for the first time, I did not feel an obligation fulfilled, but instead an immense love for my little chubby cheeked son who grew into a strong mage. You were different from the others then your sisters or your siblings who passed before you ever met them. You were more calculating and yet you still carried that sense of family love like the rest of us. You can achieve such great things in life my boy, but please remember that family is the most important thing and will always be there to catch you when you fall. Contact your sisters, let my death unite you back with your family and bring you home. 

 

Love, your mother. 

 

 

To Astrid & Aries

Spoiler

 

To Astrid and Aries, your birth was one that almost ended with my passing, and yet I lived to see you guys grow into who you are today. You both take after your father in your caring nature and I hope that in the hard times to come you can lean on him for the reassurance and guidance that I can no longer give you. Your laughter has brightened my hard days and brought me a sense of peace and I hope you go through life giving other people that kind of joy simply by your presence, and hopefully, you’ll find people who do the same for you. Go easy on your sisters, they will only try their best. 

 

Love, your mother. 

 

To Nova

Spoiler

 

To Nova, what a surprise you were! I’m sorry I won’t be there to host you a fiftieth birthday party or to watch you blossom into the person you're truly meant to be. You have your father and your siblings whom both spoil you rotten and will only ever help you flourish in life. Continue onwards with your head held high and a soft yet guarded heart. Do not simply give it to anyone and make sure that whoever has it is kind and loving. I want you to carry on with taking care of our family shrines and do as I've taught you. Your my baby, Nova and I love you. 

 

Love, your mother. 

 

To Nerrin

Spoiler

 

To Nerrin, my favorite grandson. I was surprised the day I became a grandmother, your mother walked through our door with you in tow and informed me that she had adopted you. At first, I was worried, she was still a bit young for something like motherhood, but after meeting you I understood why she decided to take on such a task. You are dedicated and loyal, you have chosen this family time and time again and for a while, I was upset with your decision to finally choose yourself and do something to move forward in life. I raised you when Luna went away, I helped you through difficult times and I was worried that you’d truly leave and never look back. But even after moving out you still stopped by and checked on us and I want you to know that I am proud of who you are Nerrin, I am so proud of you and I want you to walk through life knowing that and knowing that your family loves you dearly. I hope that you are at my funeral and that you light the pyre. 

 

Love, your grandmother. 

 

Edited July 9, 2019 by yagrilcheshire

[Remyy 952]

Luna hobbled drunkenly into their shared home, stumbling through the doorway she gazed around the open area. 

“Haelun?” The elf hollered, a light frown forming on her face. With no answer she moved sluggishly towards the stairs and stumbled down them. Something familiar twisted in her gut, and despite the alcohol she felt her head clear somewhat as she stopped before Arabella’s door. 
  

 “Haelun?” She tried again, trying to open the locked door and failing. With a resolve she forced the door open, and froze in her tracks. 

 

  All of a sudden she felt alone. Lost in a way she hadn’t been since that monster broke into the windmill. Lost as the time she had been when she had lost both her ear and the innocence only a child could have. Lost in a way she hadn’t felt in over a hundred years. Her stomach twisted and lurched violently, and suddenly her legs were moving without her consent. Terror and bile crawled up her throat yet she somehow managed to make it to the bed without throwing up. 

 

  Luna moved her hand towards her mother’s face, then down to her neck to check for a pulse. Not finding any, the elf collapsed to her knees. She stared at the still warm corpse of the only constant in her life, and for the first time in a long time, she wept. 

 

 Later, when the other members of the family would return home- they would find the oldest daughter of Arabella staring numbly at the matriarch’s body.

[Sander 3155]

Gilondir sat on the branch of a tree, overlooking the landscape outside of Irrinor. He'd walked out to be alone after Nerrin had told him the news about Arabella. He stared out at the fields like he'd been doing for some time now, tears in the corners of his eyes. 

"You weren't supposed to go first, dammit. You were always kind, always nice, always the best you could be to others, always the better person. Yet I'm still here and you're gone.” He grumbled as he looked up a tthe stars. "You could've done so much more, Ara.. You were supposed to outlive the bulk of us, the happiest you could possibly be for all your days. You didn't deserve less than that, you didn't...” The mali'ame sniffed, biting his lip. "You were a good person Ara, that you were, one of the best. I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you when I still could... But I guess you thought your time had come.. Good luck on this new path that you've taken. Farewell old friend...” He murmered softly, his words being carried away with the wind into the night sky.