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WuHanXianShi14

Zai Jian, LOTC

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Hello LOTC,

 

This is my leaving post.

 

I joined this server in 2012. I was a 15 year old kid, and I loved fantasy. The extent to which you could completely immerse yourself in an imaginary world on LOTC was mind blowing to me, and I quickly became entranced. It turns out, I would not break that trance for another seven years.

 

Many people on this server are incredibly devoted to this place. They spend almost all their free time online. I can see why. For me, a nerdy highschool band geek with only a small circle of friends and not much going for him, to be able to engage in a world where you can be powerful, relevant, and immerse yourself among hundreds of like-minded people? It was like crack. I became addicted and basically started living two lives. My real life, and my online life.

 

I quickly found a niche. First with the Arcane Delvers, and later with the Wood Elves. LOTC is an incredibly factional and tribal environment. And as I became a leader figure in the community, I quickly accumulate no shortage of enemies. Not to say I didn’t deserve it. I was brash, rude, arrogant and hateful. I hated the snow elves. I hated the orcs. I hated PVP goons. And they hated me. The rivalries on this server bring out the absolute worst in people, and it brought out the worst in me. 

 

Being a young adolescent with little to no romantic experience, I quickly found out that this server was an avenue to gain romantic attention. I didn’t do more than the standard FTB with my first few partners, but when I was 17, one of my partners introduced me to the concept of off-platform Erotic Roleplay. You all know this, because this is what most people know me by. 

 

Erotic Roleplay is generally looked down upon. Its seen as an act done only by losers and basement dwellers seeking anonymity to gain sexual attention that they otherwise are unable to obtain in real life. Honestly, there’s some truth to that. What I was doing was not healthy. For me, easy access to intimate attention online basically became a substitute for finding intimate attention in real life. It wasn’t right. 

 

In September of 2016, sexual roleplay between myself and a partner was leaked to the public. What happened between me and her was more or less a miscommunication and we have long since talked it out. We remain friends. Even so, I’ve been notoriously made into a widely ridiculed public figure because of it, and years of “fae ring” jokes, general harassment, and my branding as a sex offender have taken a heavy toll on my self worth and mental health.

 

I get it. I was hated. To many people in this community I was this arrogant dickhead whose prosperity came at their expense. I was ******* insufferable. Those leaked logs were an opportunity to take me down. To push me off my pedestal. If you were one of those people, please don’t get defensive when reading this. In your position, I don’t know that I would have acted any better. Like I said, LOTC brings out the worst in many people, and given the opportunity to destroy my enemy’s social reputation like you guys destroyed mine, I probably would have done it. 

 

Still, the leaked logs were a lesson to me. From then on as a general rule, I did not engage in intimate roleplay, sexual or non-sexual, without verbal consent beyond a reasonable doubt. It should be noted that even before that I would always respect a “no”, its just that I would now also look specifically for a “yes”. 

 

My new awareness of sexual responsibility also made me acutely aware of my age. When I was first introduced to erotic roleplay I was a minor, but now, at 18 on the cusp of 19, I was legally an adult. At the time, LOTC had no defined “age of consent” laws because by definition, all erotic roleplay was off-platform not associated with LOTC. So in lieu of server rules, I created a set of standards for myself. I would obey the age of consent in whatever IRL jurisdiction my partner was in (it ranges from 16-18 years old in almost all Western Countries / US States). I would not take any partner if she was over 4 years younger than me, committing myself to only partners in my general age group (however, if 4 years younger than me put them under the age of consent, that also disqualified them). I never asked for nude pictures, would only accept them when offered if my partner was 18+, and I never sent any pictures of myself.

 

I wish I could prove all this to you guys. Part of me has always wanted to screenshot and share every time I ask a partner if she’s comfortable, ask a partner for consent, or ask a partner her age before engaging. However, it's not like that was ever an option, as that would y’know- expose my partners and make them subject to public ridicule. 

 

Still, I don’t want to say that I didn’t make mistakes with my partners. There were miscommunications. There were times when I acted generally thoughtlessly, and my negligence led to hurt. These are things that happen to all young people engaging in any sort of intimate relationship, and I was no exception. 

 

Ultimately though, no matter how much integrity I tried to have regarding my erotic roleplay habit, there still remained the shadow of the fact that the whole thing was just unhealthy. That I shouldn’t be relying on this for social and romantic attention. I should be out there, making connections in real life. I was being a loser. 

 

The thing is, by now my mental health and my self worth were in such dire straits that going out and putting myself out there in real life just seemed impossible to me. I hated myself. I hated how I looked, I hated how socially inept I was. Self loathing consumed me. A lot of it was born of all the hatred and vitriol and accusations I absorbed during my time here on LOTC. 

 

Even so, I didn’t want to leave. It’s a fuckin asinine situation to be honest. Paradoxical. LOTC was the biggest source of my stress. My self worth issues. My self hatred. Often it made my life a living hell. But at the same time, it was also the home to many of my closest friends. There was a niche within the server where I was respected as a leader. So simultaneously as the server tore me apart, it was also my main lifeline to feeling wanted, and important. The idea of leaving terrified me. To be honest, it still does.

 

You know, over the last 3 years I’ve built something of a life for myself IRL. I’m toughing it out through university. I’m working in a museum. I’m getting paid to write history documentaries for a youtube channel with nearly 900,000 subscribers. That’s all stuff I should be proud of. But the terrible, sad truth is that all of that stuff has always felt like a sideshow to what’s happening to me on this server. Wherever I was at in real life, the shadow of LOTC hung over me. My dependence on it for friends, for romantic attention, and my subsequent lack of both in the real world have taken an incredibly hard toll on my self worth.

 

The truth is, my mental health will never improve until I leave this place. 

 

All of that came to a boil yesterday, when I found out that I was a casualty of the “pedo-investigation” bans that Telanir recently green-lit. In truth, I had been trying to quit LOTC permanently for weeks by that point. But finding out that I was on trial, and most likely going to be permabanned shook me to my core. Call it habit, I suppose. 

 

Up until this point, I had basically been living two lives. One life was online, and one life was in the real world. My parents and my two closest friends vaguely knew about my connection to LOTC, but not the true extent of how deeply involved I was in it. 

 

Last night, I finally opened up to my parents. I told them every single thing that had been going on with me in my online world over the last three years. I told them about my habits, and I told them how much my mental health and self worth had tanked. I told them all the things I’ve been accused of, and offered to show them proof it was false if need be.

 

One thing I can be thankful for is that I have incredibly supportive parents. They believed me and they have my back. One thing we agree on is that I need to leave LOTC and not look back. From there, we’re going to look into counselling- and if need be, psychotherapy. 

 

The reason I didn’t tell them all this before? Not because I was afraid they wouldnt believe me. But because I knew that once I came out about my online life and the effect it had on me, I would have no choice but to take the first steps towards leaving it permanently. Before now, I didn’t want to leave. LOTC wasn’t just minecraft. LOTC was my friends. LOTC was my sense of belonging. Leaving it terrified me. Honestly, it still does. 

 

I suspect that it's going to be really lonely for a couple of months after I quit, maybe even a year or more. Leaving LOTC is going to leave a big hole in my social life that is going to take time to rebuild. I suspect that for years to come, I’m going to think back to all the good times I had here, all the wonderful experiences I had with people I loved, and its going to hurt- knowing I’ll never be able to go back to that again. 

 

I don’t expect this post is going to change that many opinions about me. Many of you think I’m a pedophile, a sexual predator, among many other things. Many of you have seen out of context screenshots, or have heard stories that help reinforce those beliefs. I’m going to defend myself in this ongoing investigation, not because I intend to stay on this server, but so I can prove to myself and my friends I’m not the monster everyone thinks I am.

 

I’ll leave you with this. I’m not a pedophile. I’m not a sexual predator. I’ve never acted intentionally manipulative, I’ve never intentionally tried to hurt my partners. I’ve never leveraged intimate roleplay from a position of power. Never, have I ever intentionally done anything considered sexually immoral.

 

However.

 

I know I’ve hurt people, through ignorance, misunderstanding, or general thoughtlessness. If you’re one of those people I’ve probably apologized to you already, but here, publicly, I apologize once again. 

 

And overall, I know that my erotic roleplaying habit on LOTC was not healthy. It was not a recipe for a fulfilling life. Relying on the internet for your romantic and intimacy fix is just going to destroy your self worth like it did mine. During these last three years I haven’t been the best person I could be. I sunk myself deep into a pit of unhealthy coping, and only now have I began crawling out of it. 

 

If you hate me, and you believe all the things said about me, I hope you can make your peace with that.

 

To all of my friends on this server- the ones who have stuck by me throughout the years despite what everyone accuses me of: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. You are truly good people. You have been a light in some of the darkest years of my life. And I hope that moving forward, you will still be a part of my life.

 

If any of you want to talk to me, ask for my side for any accusation or piece of evidence or whatever, my discord is:

 

Lao#3371

 

Goodbye, its time I started healing, and its time I start building towards being a person I’m proud of being.

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Goodbye Leo ❤️

You’ll always have a mark left on this server with the amount of time you spent on creating a wonderful culture for wood elves. A mark on me too, specifically. Playing a mexican elf wouldn’t be the same without you, my heterosexual bro.

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I can tell this was very sincere and it was a tough read. I suppose everyone relates at least somewhat to the escapism aspect of it all. Going to miss you, brother. Hit me up if you ever want to chat or play a game ?

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TBH never thought you were a pedo, just a bit deranged and hit on the head somewhat in your childhood

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Kindly stay away from the server this time, please. Wish you luck in life, mate.

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Leo, you’re the reason I came back to LoTC. You were there for me when I was at my lowest. I will always remember our Caermeme antics in the early days of our current map. I will always remember when we were running around like idiots making Songbirds what it is now. And I will always remember the laughs we shared (especially those on behalf of Sir TauFireWarrior). You deserve only the best. Mine on, my good friend.

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Major L

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Always been a lot of heat on you Leo; always been a controversial guy in the community. Though you’ve always represented yourself succinctly in the face of that adversity too which I’ve always held a lot of respect for. Stick to your studies, keep posting those dope history vids;  you're junzi in my book and I’ll always be down to nerd out with you on that front.

 

I wish you good luck man, and I hope you find a new space to kick back and find some peace.

 

o7

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