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I live with a monster


AlphaMoist
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I live with a monster.

 

I don’t mean that in the sense that my roommate is a killer, or that my house is haunted, no. Only I live with this monster. Just me. Only I can see it, and only I can feel its presence. Just me.

 

I’ve lived with this monster all my life. I used to think it was my friend when I was younger. It always gave me so much energy, and I felt like I could do whatever I wanted with it. Only now do I recognize it as what it is: a malevolent creature that only seeks to drive me to the lowest pit it can, just so it can laugh at me. It never physically harms me. It never hurts the people I love. It doesn’t behave like most monsters you read about in scary stories or what you see in movies. This monster, unfortunately, is real, and that means it has more to its agenda than to provide entertainment to an audience.

 

What does this monster do, then, if it doesn't behave like what we believe a monster should? Well, I’ll tell you.

 

It talks to me. Not with its own voice, but with mine. Inside my head. It constantly chatters away using my voice, using my own thoughts. I don’t want to think about the things it makes me think, but I don’t have a choice. It just forces me to, and I can’t control it. 

 

I don’t have a good grasp of what silence is actually like because of this monster. The quieter things are around me, the more it talks and the louder it gets. That doesn’t mean a loud background makes things easier, however. The louder my environment is and the more noise going on just increases the amount of thoughts this monster shoves into my head. I become aware of everything going on around me to the point where I don’t know anything about what’s going on around me. 

 

The monster tells me that the blender in the background reminds me of a tornado. The tornado makes me ponder when the last time the tornado sirens went off in my town. The sirens make me question what I would do in the event a tornado touched down near my house. This makes me wonder if I should look about getting a tornado shelter. The tornado shelter makes me realize that it would be better off if I were to just get a new house with a tornado shelter pre-installed. This makes me realize that I don’t have the money to just up and get a new house. What would I need to do to get a new house? Well, I could save up for it, but it would help a lot more if I could get a supervisor position at my security job. I’m fourth in seniority, and no one more experienced wants the job, and no one below my seniority is more qualified than I am. In fact, I’m second in seniority for night shift. The first in seniority is an elderly man named Jerry. He had a heart attack a couple weeks ago and is still in the hospital. I hope he’s alright. He’s my neighbor, I should visit him when he gets back and get him a card. But cards are boring, surely that wouldn’t be-

 

My fiancée snaps her fingers at me; I’ve zoned out entirely. She looks at me, as if expecting an answer. She asks if I’ve been listening to her at all, to which I tell her that I zoned out. She chuckles, calling me cute, and she sits down, drinking the smoothie she just made. 

 

This thought process is constantly going on inside my mind, and the monster just laughs in the background, knowing how stupid I look when I lose focus of reality. The example I gave was benign, but often it has consequences, such as my fiancée informing me of an after school activity our daughter is joining, which leaves me confused and worried and anxious when I realize she hasn’t come home after school for a while. I call her on the phone, asking her where she’s at. My daughter can hear the frustration in my tone, but I’m just worried. She explains about what she’s doing, and she tells me that my fiancée told her that she said I was okay with it. I don’t bother asking my fiancée for confirmation. She’ll just be upset that I wasn’t listening to her. It wasn’t my fault, it’s the monster that makes me lose my focus. And all the while, it’s laughing at me in the background.

 

Sometimes, the monster makes me uncomfortable. It tells me how odd my body feels, and it tells me the only thing that will make me feel better is if I move. So, I tap my leg on the ground. It’s not enough, so I strum my fingers against my office desk. It makes an annoying sound I don’t like, so the monster tells me to make noises with my mouth. I used to do this all the time as a child: I would suck in air between my cheeks, and I would push it against the front of my teeth, my lips being pressed against them. I suppose it kind of sounds like a squealing pig. I used to think no one else could hear it, but one time in fourth grade, a girl I liked told me to shut up, and she called me annoying. Then the class chimed in and teased me. I only do this when I’m alone now, but it helps me feel more comfortable.

 

This was a favorite activity the monster once relished in. It enjoyed making me forget about the world around me until I became comfortable with the thoughts it shoves inside my skull, and then it made me do things or make sounds until someone around me told me to stop. This was very common in middle school, but enough people made fun of me for it that I learned how to suppress the urges, even if it hurt to do so. Now that I’m no longer in school, it doesn’t happen anymore.

 

I’m normally at home or at work. My fiancée isn’t bothered by the things I spontaneously do, so the monster seeks other routes to spur its entertainment. This usually manifests when I’m online.

 

When I’m online, I try to almost always be active in any group chat that has people inside of it. Talking to people distracts me from the monster, but the monster doesn’t really like that. So, when I’m having fun, and my guard is down, the monster will make me say whatever it decides to throw inside my head. It turns off my filter entirely. I will say things that are weird or annoying or stupid, and while it can be very entertaining for those that I’m talking with, it doesn’t just stop there. It keeps going, and it keeps going, until I become cringe inducing and flat out idiotic with what I say. The moment this occurs, someone normally tells me to stop doing what I’m doing, or they call me annoying or stupid. Sometimes the monster will have such a strong grip on me that these words don’t matter at that exact moment, and I continue until they matter. 

 

This is another thing the monster loves to enjoy. Eventually, or sometimes immediately, the monster forces me to focus on the words other people say. Their criticisms, their insults, even sometimes their passive jokes that the monster forces me to take the wrong way. The monster will repeat what they’ve said, over and over and over and over. Then the thought process begins. The thoughts turn into a jumble of how I’m constantly annoying. The monster tells me that I’m a freak. I have no friends, they all hate me, they all think I’m annoying. They only keep me around for mindless entertainment when they’re bored, and when they get tired of me, they’ll throw me away. I’m annoying. I’m stupid. Over and over again. I’m annoying. I’m stupid. 

 

Oftentimes I’ll go out of my way to apologize to people I think I’ve upset. Normally, they don’t even know what I’m referring to. Other times they’ll brush it off and say it’s fine. This can ease my emotions, and I’ll laugh the situation off with them. However, when the monster isn’t satisfied, when it just wants to throw me into the deepest pit it can create, that’s when things get worse. Allow me to explain.

 

Something I’ve commonly been told throughout my life is to ignore the monster. Everyone gets antsy sometimes, everyone loses focus sometimes, it’s not a big deal, there’s nothing wrong with me. Ignore it. That’s what everyone else does.

 

I can’t ignore it. That’s just not in the realm of possibilities with someone living with a monster like this. I can try to ignore it. I can try my damndest to brush it off, but I can’t. More often than not, trying to ignore it brings it to its worst.

 

It begins with me telling myself to sit still. I focus all my attention towards my feet, my hands, my tongue, and I force myself to remain quiet and motionless. Then I’ll start trying to focus on the task at hand, whatever it may be. I’ll tell the monster to shut up, I’ll tell the thoughts to be quiet. I will do my absolute best to clear my mind of any thoughts other than the task at hand. Time slows to a crawl, and the monster tries to get louder and louder.

 

I start noticing my heartbeat. It’s loud, a metronome I can’t turn off. Then I hear my breathing, I smell the air. I taste it with every inhale. I can feel the ends of my hair grind against my neck or scalp. It begins to itch. My muscles begin to ache because I’m not moving. I hear the flies buzzing in the background, I hear the clock ticking against the wall, I feel the cold, still air of my house touching my skin. I notice the sensation of the fabric of my clothing touching my flesh. That begins to itch as well. My shirt is too tight around my shoulders; I can feel the fabric bulging outwards due to the shape of my body. The front of my shirt is loose and wavy, only small portions of it touching my stomach. My socks are tight, my feet are hot, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I feel my ribs move every time I read. I feel my eyelids slide across my pupils every time I blink, I notice the sensation of my eyelashes rubbing together. 

 

Each of these sensations come with a new thought. Each of these thoughts become a long strand of voices playing out scenarios. Each of these scenarios produce new thoughts. New thoughts become new scenarios, new scenarios become new thoughts. I’m trapped in a feedback loop, the outside world goes dark, I forget what I’m doing, all I can do is move and think and think some more. My mind becomes a prison, trapping me in this over crowded cell that I can’t escape. My breathing escalates, I have so much energy that I can’t contain, but I physically cannot expel it. It’s as if a bomb is going off inside of my chest, and with each explosion comes more energy. I have trouble breathing, I want to scream and holler and jump and run. I want to do everything, but I can’t. My mind is so crowded and over populated with thoughts and emotions that I can’t focus on anything but the noise inside my head. This monster laughs at the utter joy it collects from my misery. My entire body is shaking, my fingers are tapping away, my feet are stomping on the ground, I’m saying absolutely anything and everything that’s popping off inside my head, I’m doing absolutely everything I can do to tire myself out but it just doesn’t work. Time is crawling like a snail and flying like a bullet all at the same time. I can’t make sense of anything. 

 

The sensory overload can end in a variety of ways. Sometimes, the monster will get bored, and my brain will just catch up to everything going on. Everything will go back to normal seamlessly, and I’ll completely forget about the episode that had just occurred. Sometimes, it ends in a meltdown, with the monster overwhelming me into full blown panic. 

 

The monster wouldn’t be so bad if it only gave me some of these symptoms at a time. It wouldn’t be so bad, truly, if it constantly wasn’t present. But it is always present. It never leaves, and it is never quiet. Silence is not something that exists in my life because of this monster. 

 

My mind is always in a state of uproar. I have to have something in the background at all times when I’m in a situation where I need to control the amount of thoughts inside my mind. Doing homework, chores, sleeping, sometimes even when I bathe. I always have to have an extra amount of stimuli or else I cannot complete what I want done. 

 

It affects my short term memory as well. The chaos that is my mind is almost always prevalent, and when I’m, say, getting ready for work, this isn’t an exception. I will be thinking about everything and anything relevant and irrelevant to me getting ready for work. This leads to me accidentally throwing away the thoughts I absolutely need, and it forces me to forget things. I can leave the house and walk back inside because I forgot something, then do this over and over again until I know for a fact that I have everything I need, only to find out I forgot something anyways. This leads to me being late very often for events and social promises. I normally have to start getting ready for things an hour before I leave my house simply to make sure I cover all of my bases. 

 

The monster can make me feel certain ways as well. My thoughts will be so crowded and jumbled and fast paced that I get angry and frustrated over the smallest of inconveniences. This anger could be caused by someone not understanding what I’m trying to explain to them, being told to do something I already planned on doing, or someone trying to talk to me during a sensory overload episode. If something isn’t going as fast as my brain is, that something is likely to set me off, and I’m sorry for this. It’s not me. I don’t want to lash out, and I don’t want to get upset so easily, but the monster makes me. No one is safe from this. My fiancée, my closest friends. Sometimes all it takes is me to rant about how I feel and I will feel better, sometimes I need to be told bluntly how I’m acting, and sometimes I just need a hug and to be told everything is okay. Again, I can’t control this. It’s the monster.

 

This is the life I live. Everyday I’m confronted with everything that goes on around me. It’s nearly impossible to focus on something unless I enter a state of hyperfocus, where I drown out absolutely everything surrounding me other than what I’m focusing on, which almost always has to be something that brings me pleasure and enjoyment. Otherwise, I’m almost always doing multiple things at once.

 

This isn’t just my life, either. I may be the only one who can be affected by my monster, but many other people also have their own monster like this. It’s somewhat common, and this monster has a name. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Also known as ADHD or ADD, it affects nearly six million children and about four percent of adults in the United States alone. 

 

Scientists aren’t entirely certain what causes ADHD, however, the most generally accepted theory is that, somehow, those with ADHD don’t process enough dopamine, the reward chemical, inside of their brain. The lack of this chemical forces the brain to search for stimuli that will force it to produce more, which directly causes a lack of focus and easy excitability to those affected by ADHD. This is why someone with ADHD is normally aware of everything around them, and it’s also why people with ADHD are able to solely focus on one thing that brings enjoyment and satisfaction while also blocking out the entirety of the outside world. These two traits directly cause all of the symptoms of ADHD, including mood swings, hyperfocus, irritability, a lack of focus, a lack of motivation, being easy to distract, sensory overload, fidgeting, memory loss, impulsiveness, and even anxiety and depression. 

 

Many people are quick to assume that ADHD is benign and isn’t a serious detriment to the mind. Those people are wrong. Someone with ADHD can’t just turn it off, and they can’t ignore it either. They need to find coping mechanisms or take medication in order to keep it under control. It’s a genuine mental illness, just like depression, PTSD, schizophrenia, and everything in between. 

 

Children aren’t the only ones who have ADHD. Many adults have it as well, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. The severity of symptoms can increase or decrease with age, but it’s always present. Once you have ADHD, you have it for life. Outgrowing it is a myth. You can only find ways, consciously or subconsciously, that helps you adapt to it. This is simple for some, or, in my case, far more difficult than others. 

 

It’s very likely that you know someone who says they have ADHD, diagnosed or not. You probably know that they aren’t too much different from you, they can just be annoying at times. It’s important to understand that people with ADHD aren’t outright trying to be annoying. They aren’t tapping their foot to irritate you, they’re just trying to cope with the all stimulus surrounding them, and the constant movement serves as an ample distraction, especially when trying to focus. When they get frustrated, it’s usually not because of you or any one reason, but most likely because of everything going on around them, both internally and externally. The stimuli can be exhausting and irritating, and sometimes even painful. When they get uppity and excited and hyperactive, that’s just their brain reacting to stimuli they find engaging, and the brain wants to hyperfocus on such activity so it can create as much dopamine as possible, since it usually doesn’t get enough in the first place. 

 

If any of these things are bothering you, just talk to your friend about it and ask them nicely to pay attention to what they’re doing. Sometimes, all someone with ADHD needs is to become self-aware of what they’re doing in order to calm down, and being self-aware is very very difficult when you have the equivalent of five people talking inside your head at one time. They may react poorly to your observation as well, because those with ADHD will often dwell on criticism, and they’ll begin producing negative thoughts inside of their head that linger until they find some sort of other distraction. Just press the fact that it’s alright and that you understand; you’re just trying to focus on your own stuff without a distraction. 

 

If you yourself believe you have ADHD and have not been diagnosed, it’s important to be tested. ADHD very regularly pairs itself with other mental illnesses that affect behavior. Ten percent of those affected by ADHD also have Tourettes, while sixty to eighty percent of those affected by Tourrettes have ADHD. About twenty percent of adults with ADHD will develop bipolar disorder, and about seventy percent of adults with bipolar disorder also have ADHD. About fifty percent of adults with ADHD also have anxiety disorder. Adults with ADHD are five times more likely to be diagnosed with depression than those without ADHD.  Understanding your ADHD and learning how to control it could very well assist with a variety of other issues you may have that you don’t even know you have. 

 

If you have been diagnosed with ADHD, it’s important to understand that your issues are not the fault of yourself. You aren’t annoying, mean, or anything else those intrusive thoughts may tell you. Your lack of focus isn’t your fault, and the fact that you have trouble organizing doesn’t make you a dirty, uncontrollable mess. All these issues are the fault of your ADHD, and many therapists and doctors will tell you that it’s important that you blame your ADHD for your issues and not yourself. This is very important for combating possible depression and suicidal thoughts. There are a variety of ways you can learn how to control your ADHD, with or without medication. In fact, learning how to control your ADHD can very much help you turn this disorder into a tool for you to use. 

 

It’s also important to understand that nothing “cures” ADHD. All medications for ADHD are similar to a pair of glasses for your eyesight. The glasses help you see, but as soon as you take them off, you won’t be able to see clearly. Wearing your glasses won’t ever fix your eyesight, they can only help you while you use it. This is exactly how ADHD medication is. So, if you find that your ADHD medication works extremely well, don’t stop taking it with the thought that your ADHD is fixed. You’re just going to start behaving exactly how you did before you started the medication.

 

Just because you have ADHD does not mean you yourself are the problem. ADHD is truly a monster that, when left unchecked, can really ruin your relationships, your work/school studies, and anything else in your life. Next time someone tells you that you need to just calm down, or that it’s all inside your head and it isn’t real, just shrug them off. Don’t take their ignorance personally, because only you know how you feel. Just focus on improving yourself, and when you’re in control of your monster, you’ll be able to use it to your advantage. 

 

Spoiler

 

To be honest, this isn’t what I usually enjoy writing. This was never meant to become a public service announcement at all, but I really just let my thoughts run wild on this one. Eventually I decided that if I couldn’t write as good of a story as I usually do, I could at least help other people and spread some awareness on a less than normally talked about subject. I’ve struggled with ADHD all my life, and was medicated for it between the ages of around nine to fourteen. 

 

ADHD is often the subject of scrutiny and jokes, but it really is a serious illness that can ruin your life if you don’t find ways to manage it, and due to a lot of misconceptions, it’s common for people to hold off on a diagnosis because they don’t realize a lot of their problems are directly caused by their ADHD. It’s not something to just brush off, and it should be taken as seriously as depression, anxiety, and any other mental illness out there. This wasn’t the post I wanted to create when I started typing it into a google doc, but I’m satisfied with what it became, and I really hope at least one or two people will benefit from what I’ve written. 

 

If anyone has any questions about this topic, my DMs on the forums are always open, and my discord is AlphaMoist#5682. If enough people find some enjoyment about it, I have ideas for a post about coping with ADHD and what ADHD is like when mixed with depression and how the two can complement one another, but that’s only if people are interested. This was only meant to be a venting tool to begin with, but I hope you enjoyed it.

 

Thanks for attending my Ted Talk, I guess.

 

 

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wow... haven’t read something like this in a while, really beautiful writing.

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