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Of Pain and Resolve


Juno.
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Accompanying Music

 

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Why.

 

That was the only thing the little fox seemed to be able to ask herself.

 

Why did you disappear maln. Why did you die haelun. Why do you hate me mal’onn.

 

Slowly, with the twisting and crunching of bones and flesh, the priestess reverted to her most natural state, and made her way from tropical pines to thick forests of redwood trees.

 

I tried my best, I really did. Was I not good enough? Did I not try hard enough? Maybe I am too immature to understand, or maybe I’m too soft to make the tough calls. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t told or consulted, maybe that’s why I’ve been called a coward.

 

The vulpine continued to travel on all fours, remaining low to the ground as she hid in bushes. This wasn’t the first time she had visited the citadel in this form, and she didn’t wish to be stopped today. She squeezed through a small crack in the wall, finding herself in the grove she helped name. She passed the statue she carved, and soon found herself at the list of names, her own in the center of the High Priests.

 

Why have I been labeled a snake in fox hide? Why have I been called a traitor? All I’ve ever done was try to guide as my mother did, as she entrusted to me. Have I failed her? Have I failed them all?

 

From there, the fox traveled to the hollowed tree stump, climbing up the sides into the familiar home. This had once been her room, then her mother’s, and now was vacant. The creature curled up amongst the pile of blankets and pillows, the comforting scent of her mother now long gone. She had been here though, and that was good enough.

 

Why did he say I knew when I didn’t? Why was there never a meeting about this? There could’ve been another way. Why does he lie about me? We are supposed to be kin, to be family. Did he have no choice? Did he have to paint a negative image of me in order to accelerate himself?

 

She tucked her tail tightly around her body, curling up for a long while as she continued to ask herself these questions. She knew she wouldn’t find answers this way, but sometimes it was nice to just contemplate; to be alone with your thoughts and away from judgmental eyes.

 

Why did you entrust this duty to me, and then leave? Why did we become distant? Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Is that why you favored the others? Is that why, in your final letter to me, you apologized? Is that why you said you were a bad mother? You didn’t say that to my sister, or any of my other siblings. So was it just me? If it was, then why? How am I supposed to face you again?

 

After a while, the vixen untucked herself and made her way back down the trunk and off towards the gorge. She crossed the bridge towards the other circle, stopping to gaze at it from across the pond.

 

Why did she favor you? Why did she pay more attention to you? Why did you stop calling me haelun? Why did you stop talking to me altogether? Was that my fault too? Do I also need to apologize for being a bad mother? Did you ever even consider me that? Do you remember when I gave you your first tattoo? Do you even care anymore?

 

She continued on, now towards the almost empty foxhole; the old home of the Vuln’miruel. They had begun the process of moving earlier that week, but in truth, the elf had been ready for years. All of her stuff had already been in her home in the Grove, and had been there even before she stepped down from the council.

 

Why did I stay for so long? Was I ever even needed or wanted? For years they scorned and hated me. For years they spat insults at my face while the others simply watched. For years I ignored the festering hate that began to grow inside me. For years I continued on, only for a mother who barely looked my way. Is that why I did it? To somehow gain her attention? I know she loved me, so perhaps I’m just being greedy. Or maybe she just didn’t show it enough. Maybe I started to doubt it and grew desperate to feel it. Maybe I needed it more after maln disappeared. Maybe I should’ve said something, and now it’s too late. 

 

She fled from the ghost of a home, dashing through the crack and back into the woods as fast as she could.

 

You told me it was my duty to guide our people, but you lied. These aren’t my people. Kin don’t lie and scorn at you. Kin don’t mock and silence you. Kin don’t threaten to kill you..

 

The words of the Sylvaeri child plagued her mind, troubled her the most out of all that had happened. She could handle being labeled something she wasn’t, she could handle the lies being spread, but she could not handle her kin, a druid, threatening to kill her; dispose of her as if she were a pesky fly.

 

Dispose of her. Those were the exact words he used according to the child. Children don’t lie unless they have a reason too, and she didn’t have a reason. She didn’t even know me, just knew it was wrong to kill and sought me out to warn me. She is so sweet and innocent, and he is devious and angry. I have no reason to doubt her words, and neither does marmaln, his rage upon hearing such being evidence enough. Why did you say this mal’onn? Was my outrage at your actions enough to warrant death? To break the rules we are soulbound to? I wonder how Grandmother will react to your intent. I wonder what punishment awaits you in the Forest.

 

As she continued to dash and crawl through the trees, a new question came into her mind.

 

What do I do now?

 

The duties.

 

The voice of her grandfather rang clear, tired and old, but wise and true nonetheless. 

 

Your duty is not to the elves or the ame, nor are they your kin. Your only duty is to the Aspects, and your only kin are your fellow druids.

 

He was right, she had only been wasting her time in the citadel, in the ‘safe’ walls built upon the blood and skin of their own kind. It wasn’t long until the fox returned to the towering tree, whose roots spread deep underneath the ground. It wasn’t long until the young druid came to a sense of clarity, and discovered a truth she wished she had discovered long before.

 

My father used me, and my mother lied to me, though I do not hate them, especially not haelun. She cared too much, and her flame went out too soon; both mentally, emotionally, and physically. I’m sorry haelun, but I will not make the same mistake as you did. I won’t be used up by those who only take. I won’t focus on anything other than my duties and my true kin.

 

As for he who threatened death, who thinks I can be disposed of like garbage, I shall not worry about him. He may be a druid, though his actions and words paint him more as a tyrant. Slaughtering kin with no motive is something that Grandmother shall take care of when he finally arrives at her domain, though I doubt he will ever act on his words. He’ll continue to sit behind stone walls and rule a nation that despises him, that sees through his lies and cruel nature.

 

Afterall, barking and hunting are what Hounds do best.

 

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