The Bonds of Bastards

[Hephaestus 1317]

Spoiler

 

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HOUSE OF BARROW

THE BONDS OF BASTARDS

 

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An illustration of the author and publisher, alleged by the pamphlet.

 

Bone-clad skeletons, animate from head to hoof, wreathed by gore and flesh in varying capacities, pace from place-to-place along the Almarican peninsula. A stalwart clack, clack, clack accompanies the couriers as they make haste to deliver some dozen parcels and pamphlets. All of which, as it so happens, secrete the stench of beetroot and dung, and are recorded in atrocious font and handwriting, flip-flopping proses — traditional Raevir slang, then proper colloquialisms. The bone-men herald themselves with a ‘hek-hek-hek’ cackle, and the babbling of bone-on-bone, wearing their hearts on their sleeve in the torn-and-tattered Carrion regalia. Said pamphlets read as followed:

 

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THE HOUSE OF BARROW

The Bonds of the Bastards of the Houses Carrion und Karovic

 

“Spell-checked and dictated. This publication

is of impeccable verity, the likes of which are unseen.”

— SERGE FRANZ VON TOLLEMACHE-UND-TOLLEMACHE,

AUTHOR OF THREE, FATHER OF FOUR.

 

“Strong-arming the campaign into a better future,

for all Raevir. New and old..”

— M. FERDINAND FÜRST ZU SKELETONE

ESTEEMED SCIENCMANCER.

 

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TO THE VALUED SUBJECTS OF THE HOUSES OF CROW, CARRION, AND KAROVIC,

OF WHAT RANK AND DEGREE SOEVER:

 

Whereas the Raevir realm has, as evident, come to a juncture in recent years, given the separation of Luceafă from Carrion-Woldzmir, the splintering of Tuvyic, the enthronement of Sigismund the Third, the re-vestment of Pompourelia, etcetera, it is seen fit that this amendment be made. Once Count-in-the-Running, Vladislav Barrow, has resolved — while, there was not necessarily a last straw broken in the camel's back — to sever the bloodline, definitively.

 

His Bastard-ship cited the silliness finally in letting live what once died, now, four-hundred and some years prior. And then, letting live multiple times over, ad nauseam. It is unclear to the courtiers thereof whether the former Count-in-the-Running recognised the irony of the above, in his case. Henceforth, from the day, the twenty-first of the Sun’s Smile, 1864 Anno Domini, ad infinitum, the Lord-Supreme Barrow and company pledges and renders:

 

I. That all Crow houses (that is, characterised by descent from the lines of Karovic), including, but not limited to, Carrion, Barbanov, Sarkozic, Ruthern, and Vladov, be terminated and dissolved

 

II. That the subjects of aforementioned houses be liberated of designations pertaining to them, or other whatsoever Karovic stylings which may constitute titles or nomenclature.

a. That the collective subjects hereinabove be known by the name, and inherit the pedigree of ‘Barrow,’ bearing on a bastardisation of the name ‘Carrion,’ which is to refer to a tomb, prior designated to Karovics sired out of wedlock.

  b. Titles and heirships hereinabove shall cede forthwith to the former Count-Dobrov-in-the-Running, Vladislav Barrow.

 

III. That the subjects of aforementioned houses be stripped and barred of any privileges or prerogatives which pertained, in particular, to their familial Karovic nativity and/or roots.

a. Prerogatives hereinabove shall cede forthwith to the former Count-Dobrov-in-the-Running, Vladislav Barrow.

 

IV. That the houses Karovic be discontinued here-and-for-all, and any descendants bearing to or boasting Crow lineage be disallowed revival of the houses, for any reason.

 

V. That the former Count-Dobrov-in-the-Running, Vladislav Barrow, be elevated to, and henceforth bear the distinction of, Lord-Supreme Barrow.

a. That the Lord-Supreme Barrow be distributed the Karovic titles and stylings (refer to catalogue 2.a), unimpeded, including but not limited to, Anti-Holy Orenian Emperor, Anti-King of Hanseti, Anti-Count of Dobrov, et. al.

 

VI. That the houses Karovic be disassociated with their bearing as nobility in all states and fiefs, nor affiliated with the triumphs of its members, predecessor or otherwise, as casus for nobility, futurely.

 

With additional — thespian — justifications from His Bastard-ship:

 

I. The Barrow is the grave of all Karovic Crows, ever, which are and were.

 

II. The Barrow is where all lines of Karovic, be they Carrion, Sarkoziv, Vladov, Barbanov, et. al, former and future, converge in termination.

 

III. The Barrow is the stub of all lines of Karovic, with special urgency of those of Carrion.

 

IV. The Barrow is the stump of the vast Karovic tree: that which supports its immense weight in its longevity, and that which remains of its weight when the rest is gone.

 

  V. The Barrow roots run far and broad.

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In witness hereof, our seal is set, in Dobrov.

Penned and delivered,

HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY, Vladislav Barrow,

Anti-Emperor of the Holy Orenian Empire, forever august, Anti-King of Oren, Haense, Hanseti, Renatus, Alras, Salvus, Savoy, Galahar, and Ruska, Anti-Grand Prince of the Raevir, Anti-Prince of Altion, and Dules, Anti-Archduke of Herendul, Anti-Grand Duke of Kaedrin, Anti-Duke of Kraija, Abresi, Corazon, Aldersburg, Furnestock, Kingston, Carnatia, Akovia, Vekaro, and Adria, Anti-Count of Pravets, Kovagrad, Kralta, Petrus, Ager, Owynswood, Sabrinsky, Werdenberg, Brelus, Ayr, Bihar, Kvasz, Karovia, Royce, Siegrad, Susa, and Dobrov, Anti-Viscount of Galmore, Anti-Baron of Woldzmir, Amaury, and Montfort, Protector of the Skeletons, Ghouls, and Jesters, President of Barrow Brokerage Investment Centre, Vice President of Carrion Pharmaceuticals, Chairman of the Dobrov Neighbourhood Committee, and Woldzmir Parents’ Association, former Count-Dobrov-in-the-Running, Darkest Lord, etcetera.

 

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The same ensemble of living-dead couriers break to a gallop back to their master, re-distributing copies with even more titles tacked on, by the hour.

 

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[Benjikhei 696]

A Falcone manages to intercept one copy of this missive, turning it over as he continued his efforts to publish a great work of human philosophy before the end of the decade- chewing on a withered cigar like it was a stick of celery, puckering blows of smoke flying onto the note with prejudice, and yet somewhat an amusement. "What' the **** 'iss an Anti-Emperor, huh?" 

[femurlord 2354]

A towering rodent descended onto a calcium-rich skeleton amidst their trek across the unprotected roads of Almaris, stripping them of their pamphlet to then thoroughly scan it's contents, offering the truly foreboding muttering of: "A man of such numerous titles. Surely an up and coming member of DARK INCORPORATED. . ." 

 

[Franczhiz 4053]

Iosif Dimitrovich Sarkozic , otherise known as Joseph Clement de Sarkozy; would arch a brow. "Kinda wanna have tea with this man not gonna lie."

[Radzig 546]

The Barrows grasp and assemble arms, for their assets are plenty and their souls are hungry!

[Xarkly 12611]

"As my anti-emperor commands, so shall I obey." Sigismund III does a backflip.

[Zarsies 6025]

One particularly ancient, disembodied bastard ensnared in the occult trappings of a devilish man weeps into the mind of his host as the parcel is read simultaneously in their minds. He wails from the moon, "Gal - a - har! Alstion! Sol - ace, Sal - vus! Woe, woe, ill-begotten, roil in the pit! B A R R O W!"

[Nectorist 7422]

“It’s ******* over,” says Philip III, zero-summing on the spot.

[Phersades 1164]

One of the smaller Barrow girls sat in front of a dwindling fire, opening and closing her tiny little hands to try and gain warmth from the dying flame.. "You know what would be so good right now?" She asked to the toy duck plush at her side. It didn't answer "A miracle person to bring me sticks and things to fuel this fire. Yes yes. that would be so nice.." A knock came at the seven year old's door, causing her to shoot up from her spot as she realized the duck would not be the one to greet the guest for her. As she opened the door, there the ugly courier was with the missive that came in stacks to trail the never-ending titles.. She screamed loudly, a horrifying sound "OH GODAN! ..... MY MIRACLE!" Liliya said afterwards before happily going to grab the papers from the thing and slamming the door in it's face. With a quick turn of the heel, she ran back to her fireplace and stuffed friend, throwing the missives into the fire which now roared wildly. She'd be warm for the rest of the night!