The Doom of Almaris

[Badgermordakin 591]

 

 

this face has haunted me for years

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The Kool-Aid Man

Many a sleepless night has befallen me of late. You see... I have come into conflict with whether or not I should reveal what I know and destroy the peaceful ignorance you have all lived in for so many years. But the time has come I desire the help of the LOTC community to put my mind at ease. The Kool-Aid man. This sick bastard, this Lovecraftian horror, this rodeo champion, this alchemist, this shapeshifter, may somehow be secretly one of the most powerful beings in all of fiction. If he ever rises out of the depths of TV commercials and comes for our characters on LOTC we are doomed. We cannot stop him if we do not understand him. We must prepare our characters. His incredible power derives from the unknowingness behind his very being. What even is the Kool-Aid Man? Where is his consciousness? What is his consciousness? How can he exist in such a way? How is the glass of his jar so indestructible it can break through walls? How can such an Eldritch demon be defeated if he is so indestructible?

 

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The True Danger

In the Kool-Aid canon the Kool-Aid man demonstrates many terrifying abilities to be feared endlessly. But I am sure that he can be defeated should we band together and find his true weaknesses. Here, I will outline the powers and dangers that I have discovered for all those that need to be aware using this video as reference:

 

-Dimensional Travel. This is the most important of the Kool-Aid man's talents. This is what will allow him to come to Almaris and destroy us once and for all. This talent is seen at 6:03 where he uses billboards to travel to a dimension where an intersection is actually a beach.

 

-Incredible strength. At 1:14, the Kool-Aid man is shown to be infinitely stronger than 6 people trying to beat him in tug-of-war. Not only is the Kool-Aid man not trying, he is actively distracted from the tug-of-war and easily wins without even noticing. He proceeds to drag these children through the mud, literally, showing complete apathy for the human condition. This makes him dangerous.

 

-Animal Communication and Potentially Mind Control. At 1:24 the Kool-Aid man is seen summoning several owls to him seemingly out of nowhere. Not only that, but he does this in the broad day light with a nocturnal animal. He can override the general thought processes of animals.

 

-Driving. At 2:10 a girl asks the Kool-Aid man if he can drive. He can.

 

-Goalie. At 2:32 The Kool-Aid man is demonstrated to be an adept soccer goalie due to his jar's handle.

 

-Enemy of the state. The Kool-Aid man is not afraid of the state and is shown assaulting police officers at 4:40. This likely means the Kool-Aid man doesn't pay state or federal taxes and thus will be richer than us, his opponents.

 

-Alchemy. At 5:00 The Kool-Aid man is demonstrated to create a Kool-Aid that is "icey-cool" but without ice. Only powerful alchemy can create something like this.

 

-Rodeo. At 5:29 The Kool-Aid man is shown beating Soda, his greatest foe, at a mechanical bull Rodeo. This means we cannot use angry cows against him in the battles to come.

 

-Shapeshifting. Right before his dimensional travel at 6:00 the Kool-Aid man transforms from a billboard into our standard view of the Kool-Aid man.

 

-Pulverization. At 6:30 the Kool-Aid man is shown pulverizing a child out of existence by shape shifting into her hat.

 

-Indestructability. This one is the most classic example of the Kool-Aid man. Walls do not stop such a being. His jar has never broken in spite of intensive strain.

 

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The Two Schools of Thought on Consciousness

In my intensive research on the topic I have discovered two general schools of thought on the consciousness and innate being of the Kool-Aid man. This is likely his primary weakness, and therefore where we must strike. The general consensus is that the Kool-Aid man derives his lifeform from either the liquid contained within him or the Jar containing the Kool-Aid. Both appear to be vital to the functioning of the Kool-Aid man, but with a being of such great power we must be cautious. Zombies are only defeated by their brains, how can we be sure that a Lovecraftian horror of far more power than zombies can be defeated without knowledge of his brain? As such I beg of you all to plea your cases, as will I, on the Kool-Aid man's true nature so we can all help save Almaris together should the time come. Only preparation can save us, the world must know if he is the Kool-Aid or the Jar.

 

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A Kase for The Kool-Aid

I begin by quickly diving into the Kool-Aid canon for basic Kool-Aid commercials. The most readily available collection of the Kool-Aid man's travels lies in this video which I shall place here again for the sake of convenience: 

 

As such I shall draw much of my evidence from this collection. We begin at the beginning. In this ad, the Kool-Aid man refers to the jar as his own head. Within most anatomy, particularly anatomy that has similar biology to the Kool-Aid man has the brain of said species wrapped within the brain. This obviously clues us into the fact that what is contained within the Kool-Aid man's jar is in fact his brain and therefore his consciousness not the jar. Similarly at 0:20 we can see that as the Kool-Aid man dances at the middle school dance there is a brief frame where the Kool-Aid man's eyebrow exceeds the limits of the liquid contained within him as seen here:

 

 

This gives us verifiable proof that the facial features which, again, are primarily limited to the external head of beings sharing his anatomy, is in fact part of the jar and not the liquid. This furthers our idea the the Kool-Aid man's brain is contained within the liquid. Furthermore, we can also observe at 4:55 as the Kool-Aid man eats spicy salsa at the supermarket his stomach turns on fire. It is important to note that it is, in fact, the liquid that sets on fire and not the jar. This further lends to the argument that the liquid is his internal organs and thus likely contains his brain and therefore consciousness. I, of course, saved the most convincing evidence for the conclusion. At 5:58 we can see the Kool-Aid man demonstrate one of his most dangerous powers: shapeshifting. He transforms from a billboard into the Kool-Aid man and then proceeds to travel dimensions. The true take away from this is the Kool-Aid man's true form which can be seen prior to his transformation. As a billboard he operates solely as the red liquid inside of him. Only after does he add the jar to his appearance. This proves, what I believe to be, unequivocally that the jar is actually a distraction, a mislead to throw us off when he eventually travels to our dimension. We must ensure that when the time comes we are ready to destroy this liquid and not fall for the mistakes of the dimensions ahead of us who have likely fallen victim to the almighty power of the Kool-Aid man.

 

 

Please, I beg of you. Before he can come for us we must consolidate the knowledge about his true nature. We must be ready, so we can save LOTC. Now is the time to think of weaknesses other than his consciousness. Or argue where his consciousness truly lies. I am only an interpreter of facts. I don't truly know all of his weaknesses and powers. Help me. Help us. If he comes for us without proper preparation we are all doomed to eternal hell.

 

There is no room for error. 

 

 

 

[Royal_sheep 83]

You're fully right. The kool-aid man is a definietly underestimated danger. We must fight back.

 

[NotEvilAtAll 9927]

don't drink the kool-aid kids

[TreeSmoothie 4895]

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     _______________          ____________
    ( _____________ ) ___    (            )
    /    _     _    \/ _ \   (  OH YEAH!  )
   /    (,)   (,)    \/ \ \ /_____________)
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    \               /         ) '-' (    (_______)
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[satinkira 5871]

be afraid