BozoNotic

Monkey Peregrin, who up until moments prior had been harvesting herbs in the Wheat Fields on his brief jaunt from his own, Shamanic afterlife, let out a roar of laughter at seeing Sorrel waddling through the iron-wrought gates that heralded the entrance of Billy Bob's Fields. "We killed krakens toget'er, we made quick work o' boars in t'e hills n' trolls in t'e fields, n' yew die at yer bloodeh desk! Come o'er 'ere, yew braggart, oi got somet'in tew show yew!" Lily Peregrin, as Sorrel's weary head crashed upon the mahogany desk, felt a sudden jolt within her stomach. "O' Knox, its comin', some'un get Sorrel!" She cried out, scrambling out of the burrow as she waddled as fast as she could, entering the Doctor's Office as she stopped with an air of despair. Tears of pain and confusion welting in her eyes, she whimpered, "Fawk..."

Lily Peregrin sighed solemnly, "Nothin' good is ever true, oi s'pose."

[!] An odd event transpired on one foggy morning in Bywater. A man, who to all remembered had been dead for decades and missing for longer still, allowed his fate to be known to any who cared for remembered. That said, any who did remember were now long dead, and it was unlikely that any cared. He was not a loved man, his most famous achievement being the attempted assassination of Greta Goodbarrel. Nevertheless, his name was spoken once more on this foggy morning. A message in a bottle that had been plucked from the sea was left at the foot of the tavern by a squire messenger, who was instructed by a short, hooded man one week prior to not allow anyone to intercept this message on threat of death. The squire complied, and upon dropping the message, fled into the distance before any could interrogate him. The message was uncorked and shared amongst the community, and the following is what it read. "A plague o' the Weefolk who doomed me! I, Edward James Oceantoe, loyal servant of the Lady Arugula! Let ye who cast stones of hate 'pon me and pushed me out to sea be met with the wrath of the waves! Twenty years to the day it has been since my exile, and today I shall bring myself to face judgment in Arugulatide. An anchor 'round my ankle, I shall show you heretics what true piety means! The true nature of sacrifice for safety!" "Let all that I still held in my name be passed on to the first man I deem worthy. I set forth trials to inherit that object which my name, in law, still binds. The Spicy Shrimp! Vessel of the wee, as deemed by The Lady, and thus shall be passed on by me. Whoever man thinks he has the right to sail in my inheritance, take yourself out to sea and face judgment at Arugulatide! May only the worthy survive!"

I am part of the Pro-Wonk movement o7

[!] Another issue, whether it was requested or not, shows up to all people on Lily Peregrin's secret mailing list. This paper is much lengthier than the previous edition, with several stories covered in it. The Cobbler's Goblet Now published every Pumpkin Week Scribed by Lily Peregrin This week... Mimosa Applefoot Hires Gremlin Army? Sea Monsters Infest Bywater! The Cobbler's Goblet Now Hiring? Mimosa Applefoot Hires Gremlin Army? It seems that the root of corruption runs deeper in Bywater! Mayor Mimosa Applefoot was seen by several eyewitnesses entering a secret passageway in the Storage Burrow! Soon after, several Gremlins- small, fiendish beasts- emerged from the hovel and began to take shipments of precious crops under Mimosa's instructions! Our field reporter, Lily Peregrin, later interviewed one of the Gremlins seen at the scene of the crime. This Gremlin, named Grukkal Blunderblab, admitted after much interrogation that Mimosa Applefoot has been paying off a Gremlin Tribe that dwells beneath Bywater! Grukkal further stated that this was a contingency plan in case she ever lost office, paying the Gremlin Tribe our precious crops in exchange for their violence on the day of reckoning! What does our leadership have to say about this? When will this tyranny end? Sea Monsters Infest Bywater! Notice: Any who swim in our beautiful lakes, beware! Bywater has found itself home to a school of Bogglywamps, a poisonous fish that release toxic chemicals into waterways! Several eyewitness accounts report seeing a hooded biggun dumping these by the bucket-full into our ponds and aqueducts! Our best reporters are still hunting for this criminal! If you see anyone suspicious, please report to Lily Peregrin! The Cobbler's Goblet Now Hiring? We need your help, faithful readers! The Cobbler's Goblet is now looking for skilled journalists and reporters to aid in our investigation into the dark crevices of Bywater! If you wish to assist, please send word to Lily Peregrin, and you will be provided with space to operate within the Bywater Library! Stay safe, stay watchful and stay tuned! Notice: The Cobbler's Goblet does not claim that any content within its texts is explicitly true, and rather operates on subjective knowledge. Please be advised.

[!] A print newspaper has been placed on every doorstep in Bywater, entitled in large lettering “The Cobbler’s Goblet, Issue 1”. Heresy Sweeps Bywater? Thain Cyris to Blame? Danger and darkness are among us! Our village, which we all value so dearly, has been built upon a monolith of heresy and deceit. We have entered an age of migration which sees foreign halflings that have lived in secluded hamlets since the days of Petyr unite in the Knoxist epicenter of Bywater, most likely by the hand of Lord Knox himself. It is within this age that we must extinguish the villainy that stalks our streets at night and sours our crops by day. I am talking, of course, about the heretic Cyris Collingwood! The Crimes of Cyris Collingwood Cyris Collingwood, who currently fancies a biggun title indicative of his biggun-like rule, has been known for his ravings of heretical lunacy since the early days of Bramblebury. Historical records show him forming a cult-like following in opposition to Mayor Iris Peregrin’s democratic command, declaring himself “King” by the will of Lord Knox! Records also show that his false holy relic, the so-called “Knoxscalibur”, was not even imbued with the power of Knox! The only recorded shovel of holy property is the Thain Unification Shovel, which is in Cyris’ possession! So, why then does he continue to use a false relic instead of the one bestowed to his position? Religious gurus and aficionados report that the Thain Shovel was forged with wards against evil sorcery, which Cyris openly admits to practicing! An anonymous source reports seeing Cyris laying with several chickens during a tavern event. Our source believes that they were having intimate relations, a sin strictly forbidden by Knox in Petyr 3:18, “Do not lay with chickens.” Overall, Cyris continues to uphold his lunatic values, using vile sorcery to trick Arugula herself to keep from persecuting him. When will this tyranny end, and who will stop him? Written by Lily Peregrin, Trusted Reporter of The Cobbler’s Goblet.

"Facts bro no cap fr fr this guy is awesome," Lily Peregrin said

LILY PEREGRIN SEAL OF APPROVAL!

[!] A single, handwritten letter upon fine parchment paper was nailed against the noticeboard. My Many Mistakes Dear Weefolk of Honeyhill, I come to you in a plead of forgiveness. With the passing of my mother, Thain Iris, I believed that the entire world must rest upon my shoulders. I aspired to be exactly like my mom in every manner, for I was her only child by blood- the inheritor of her legacy. I grew up helping in every way I could with chores around the house while my sister, Sorrel, bravely shouldered the burden of power. That was, until she buckled under its weight. Thainship destroyed my sister, and I can still remember the moment I threw my hat in the ring like it was this morning. I believed I was the only one who was capable. Mimosa proved that I was wrong. She was skillful- far more than I- and understood the ways of the halflings, even in turmoil. She was exactly like her father, who still remains the wisest man I have ever known. I trusted Mimosa as my elder, for her advice led us to salvation. That was until she realized that she could do it without my sluggishness. She saw me as what I truly was. Not Iris, not Sorrel, but Lily Peregrin. She knew that I could not handle the burden- I never could. It was not my destiny to do as such. I refused to believe this fact, still clinging to my childish fantasies of being the exact same person as Iris Peregrin. I am not your savior, and I never was. We all learned that when I made a fool of myself at the moot. I fancied myself a wise, calculated and caring ruler, but I was nothing more than a tyrant clinging to blood like a mosquito. That is why I beg for a second chance. Another night on this soil cannot be spent until I validate my own existence. I must fix my actions and mend all the twigs I've snapped. I must restore what I destroyed. I have learned that the word "legacy" holds no meaning to the halflings. We are an independent people, unlike any other race. We shoulder our own victories and defeats. Iris shall forever reign as a triumphant ruler, even if future Thains bring us to ruin. That is why I come to you as Lily the Halfling, and I humbly ask that I can restore the damage I dealt. That I can continue our great image into this new, triumphant era. I wish to be your Thain.

In a move that very few expected, the tyrant Lily Peregrin voted! The Ballot: ((MC Name: BozoNotic)) Name: Lily Peregrin Vote for Proposals: Proposal I (Hal’s Proposal) () Proposal II (Cyris’ Proposal) (x) Neither () [OOC: I'm in complete agreement with Fae. Having a good amount of people to share the workload of events and other leadership duties would allow our community to properly function. Not having every Thain eventually resign due to inactivity or burnout would allow us to have some leadership longevity.]

very cool, would definitely do a halfling colonization of the autumn forest

the seven boglings dont deserve this

[!] Soon following the Thain's proclamation of war, a notice was issued. The Appointment of Sheriff Hob the Slayer As a longtime supporter of true justice and the Peregrin Rule, Hob shall officially be appointed as Sheriff of Honeyhill. Along with this, he shall become the commander of all military actions taken by Thain Lily against the confederates and their rebel forces. With this, we hope to swiftly bring a protective force to Honeyhill's people so that Mimosa Applefoot does not have an opportunity to wound our prosperity. Once the war is resolved, a proper election is permitted to take place, assuming no candidates are Mimosa Sympathizers. Knox Bless Honeyhill Aspects Bless Honeyhill Spirits Bless Honeyhill -Thain Lily Peregrin

Thain Lily Peregrins does an evil laugh.

[!] Papers fly all across Honeyhill as THAIN LILY PEREGRIN responded to the threats of the insolent rebel, Mimosa Applefoot. SHE WHO HOLDS THE SHOVEL Dearest Halflings of Honeyhill, We find ourselves faced with a challenge. The Elder Mimosa Applefoot, whom I once trusted as a voice of reason, takes issue with my position of command. She ignores the fact that I was given my position through the fair passage of Thainship by my sister, Sorrel Peregrin, who was given such power by our mother, Iris the Great. Furthermore, she ignores the fact that I have sworn by my life to uphold the values of Thain Iris and have given birth to a new village in the ruins of our old, fallen Honeyhill. Mimosa is merely driven by envy and nostalgia. She longs for the days when the Applefoots ruled under Thain Rollo and were seen as the prominent power in the halfling lands. I shall not falter in the presence of Mimosa the Betrayer or her clan of sour apples. I shall grow fields and raise a great mercantile district along the coast. I shall propel the weefolk into a golden age of trade and prosperity. Every tavern from here to the rings of biggun nobles in the Kharasi will be drinking halfling ale and eating halfling pastries. We shall sit upon a harvest bounty richer than we have ever reaped from the earth. Most importantly, we shall not watch as the once great Applefoots taint the power of the Peregrins with their lies and deceit. The Peregrins walked this dirt before the Applefoots were a concept within the gardens of Billy Bob, and we shall continue to rule until Arugula rises from the sea and swallows the world whole. We proved our worth when Thain Iris the Great spun the evil workings of Isalie the Terrible into a paradise never before seen by the halflings. We are the lineage chosen by Knox to lead. The Applefoots, on the other hand, are a cursed bloodline that has plagued our race with murder and travesty. From the massacre of Rollina to the cultist workings documented by my brother, Monkey, they have caused nothing but trouble. Do not let some bad apples spoil the bunch! Side with Thain Lily Peregrin and we shall rise up against the confederates! -Thain Lily Peregrin, Protector of Honeyhill