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Burnsy

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Posts posted by Burnsy

  1. I enjoy the idea behind the magic; however, the writing is very confusing to work through. The history, ritual, and curse sections need some polishing because as they stand now, I have to keep going back to find out what I’m supposed to be understanding If you have to put in a “Key Takeaways” section, chances are your writing wasn’t clear enough. Something that needs to be written more concisely is the Progenitor Stone itself; why are there two other stones to go along with it? I could understand one other stone working with the Progenitor, but having two additional stones stretches the function of each too thin to justify their presence. Making the writing clearer and more concise in these sections, and you’ll have a much better history overall.

    A smaller criticism would be your formatting. The section on tiers is an example of poor formatting, as everything blends together. Make tiers/paragraphs distinct from one another. Aside from this, the post could look a bit neater overall.

    As for the subsequent sections (workings through the end),  I get a much better sense of what the magic actually is. I enjoy the risk associated with protecting the stones and the idea of searching for artifacts to power up. The magic has a unique flavor and a lot of potential if revised. I would love to see more of this magic as it goes through the revision process. 

  2. Here’s an actual critique where I’ll be focusing solely on the writing and the function of runesmithing in a role play setting.

    Section 1: Runesmithing Basics

    Spoiler

    The Order of Ogradhad
    The Order of Ogradhad comes off as extremely vague in its description. Why was it founded? If it’s age old, why don’t we know more about it? Even the companion post fails to answer these questions in appropriate depth. Personally, I’d like to see more history included to give reason as to why the Order of Ogradhad even matters, because as it stands right now I feel a strong disconnect between the actual lore and the order meant to go with it.
     

    The first redline is something that I feel is fair to anyone taught runesmithing. Association with the order is not mandatory, but one is free to be apart of it if they so choose.
     

    The second redline is where the first part of the post begins to fall apart. As discussed by @Tato and @Aengoth, the Tenets of Ogradhad are far too vague and come off as a way for strong OOC control over the magic. While a list of tenets make sense for a group of magic users to follow, the way the Tenets of Ogradhad are presented make it seem that the OOC will of the leaders will take priority over any legitimate RP reasoning. The language of “perceived crimes” might as well say that RP doesn’t matter, and a runesmith will be removed for whatever reason the leaders feel.

     

    The Tenets of Ogradhad
    As they stand now, the Tenet of Ogradhad are unclear; however, they do have the potential to be a proper list of tenets for users of runesmithing to follow.

    The first tenet is a perfect example of unnecessary vagueness. What is unnatural and corrupt to a dwarven runesmith? This needs to be explicitly defined to avoid ridiculous levels of OOC control.

    The second tenet feels like it should be included in the first, as it mentions “undead and unnatural” as two things runesmiths should not associate with. This tenet is entirely unnecessary on its own and should be used to expand upon the first.

    The third tenet is the first to make sense. Not hunting down other runesmiths as a vigilante makes sense in RP and seeks to prevent OOC bickering from translating into the order of runesmiths.

     

    The fourth tenet needs expansion as to what serving Ogradhad really means. Guidelines are necessary to give strict RP definitions for runesmiths to follow. The sub-tenet also fits more with tenet three than four, as it deals with harming of the order. The fourth tenet should deal exclusively with defining what serving Ogradhad means in the context of the order.

     

    Tools

    Tools are mad out to be an extremely important facet of runesmithing, as a smith could not hope to practice the magic without them; however, the unknown nature behind the tools comes off as lazy writing as opposed to a mystery of the magic. As for how the tools work in practice, I think that part is written just fine. A hammer and chisel are fairly straightforward and don’t need too much said about them.

    The Binding Ritual (Connection)
    despise this part of the lore for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, the separation of knowing the binding ritual and knowing how to make an altar. A teacher of runesmithing should know both of these things at once. Separating the knowledge is what creates the problem of OOC control over the magic, and I have never agreed with its separation. The mystery behind the ritual again comes off as lazy writing. It feels wrong that a magic being associated with Ogradhad, the Brathmordikan associated with knowledge, has so much unknown about it. The ritual should be written to be far more understood by teachers and the runelords at the very least

    Diving into the ritual itself is where I really find a problem with this piece of the magic. Activating the runesmith’s tools and binding them to their soul is all well and good, but how the ritual is roleplayed is a broken fragment of the past that needs to be changed. When I was roleplaying the ritual, I was surprised to find that two rolls of 15+ were required for completion or otherwise I would bleed out and die. I asked if I was going into a PK clause and found that the clause was apart of older versions of runesmithing, but in the version I RP’d in I would just die and have to try again after some in-game time had passed. The ritual was clearly never adapted from past iterations of runesmithing aside from the removal of the PK clause. The binding ritual and who has the knowledge to preform it is what needs to be changed the most in runesmithing. Leaving a ritual up to the roll of a die is tedious and uninteresting. (And the fact I had to repeat it 5 times before I got two 15’s was annoying, **** the ritual.)


    The Ritual of Shattered Runes (Disconnection)

    I have no issue with the presence of spikes and how they are written; however, disconnection relies on a specific set of tenets to justify the use of a spike. The disconnection ritual itself poses no threat to OOC control over the magic; rather, the Tenets of Ogradhad must be written far better than they are now to make it clear what runesmiths can and cannot do. A disconnection ritual makes sense in an RP setting and the requirement of LT oversight of the creation of spikes provides a layer of needed security.

     

    The Ritual Altar

    I’ve said it once already and I’ll say it again: the knowledge to create altars should be know by ALL teachers and the runelords. I understand the wish to not see the magic bastardized as many others have been, but the knowledge on how to induct more runesmiths should be shared by a wider pool of people. In combinations with a clear list of tenets, I see no reason as to why the knowledge to create altars should not be shared further.

     

    I’ll be skipping “Using a Rune” as I see no issues with the three emote rule or how the runes can be activated and having nothing to add.

     

    Section 2: The Runes

    Spoiler

    The Runes

    The process of creating a rune has always felt very ordered to me and the order of: base, prefix, root, suffix makes for some structured and enjoyable teaching/smithing RP. 

    The tiers have also felt balanced in my experiences as a runesmith. The only risk one takes with tiered runes is the stupidity of the runesmith. Frankly, the magic in the hands of anyone who understands what powergaming means carries no risk in terms of balance. The description of the function of runes and what they can actually do is the highest point of the post, as nothing is left up in the air.

    Deific runes are a section I particularly enjoy, as none hold any amazing power but expand on runesmithing in interesting little ways. I find each of their individual functions and effects to be interesting to read and RP and are another high point of runesmithing.

     

    I’ll probably post the second part of my critique soon because I have a LOT to say about flesh runes and want to take the time to develop a proper argument. 

    In my final comment I would like to address @ScreamingDingo
    To a Story Writer, I would hope that the quality of writing would be the first and foremost aspect of any piece you critique. Unfortunately, that seems not to be the case in regards to your post. Why is the piece is easy denial? Surely you would take the time to point out actual flaws in the piece instead of insulting the author. You’ve detailed nothing of whats wrong with the actual lore and failed to make any suggestions of your own. If you wish to see someone else pick up the lore, which has been an opportunity for anyone to do, then why don’t you provide something of substance in your reply to incite the action you wish to see? 
     

  3. “Remembeh when teh dwed o’ Kal’Varoth ‘anded Atandt teh election due teh not callin’ out teh farse dat were teh election laws? Meh too. If ah youngeh dwed should rule, get em teh run. Gimleh n’ Atandt was ah no win situation.” Ulhart sighs, waving off another piece of rhetoric that accomplishes absolutely nothing.

  4. The Under-Realm River of Kismet

     

    Location: The Under-Realm River of Kismet is a peculiar underground river deep within the mines of Kal’Varoth, the capital city of the Under-Realm of Urguan. It lies at the end of a long series of cave systems. One could reach the river without much trouble if equipped with proper cave traversal equipment and a proper amount of provisions.

     

    Geography: The trek to the river begins at the entrance to the mines in Kal’Varoth. At first, the mines are heavily worked, with various mining tools being scattered about the cave. Deeper in the cave, dwarven work become scarcer and scarcer until reaching the breach leading towards the Under-Realm River of Kismet. Once on the path to the river, untouched cave passageways and chambers bring whoever wanders them deeper and deeper underground. Gemstones and ores are abundant, and shine brilliant colors off the light of an explorer’s torch. Further down, a silvery moss begins covering a single long passageway. The moss holds no special properties in and of itself, but nutrients within the moss give hallucinogenic effects to whoever touches the flowers blooming from the moss, pszichedelikus virag.

    The jade colored flowers, pszichedelikus virag, give off a slight glow and induce intense hallucinogenic effects onto anyone who makes direct skin contact anywhere on the flower. All five senses are dramatically altered for a time dependent on how long one makes direct skin contact with the flowers.


    Effects on Afflicted Dependent on Time

    1-4 seconds: Intense hallucinogenic effects, the afflicted’s senses are all dramatically altered. Paranoia, feeling of invulnerability, and deep retrospection are typical during the experience. The experience is manageable by oneself, albeit very hard. Being assisted by someone else will likely aid the health of the afflicted. Effects will last around twelve hours, and the afflicted will feel normal after about sixteen hours.

     

    5-10 seconds: Heightened hallucinogenic effects, the afflicted’s senses are severely impaired. They will likely be unable to function on their own for at least a day. If not monitored, it is likely the afflicted will accidentally harm and/or kill themselves. The effects will dissipate after a day, but it will take three days for the afflicted to feel normal once again. “Afterglow” effects occur after the initial days time is up, affecting one sense at a time. An afterglow could be as harmless as smelling food that is not there to feeling like you are burning alive despite being physically normal.

     

    10+ seconds: The afflicted will experience severe hallucinogenic effects that almost entirely alter their sense of reality. Manic behavior is certain as the afflicted will be completely out of touch with what is and isn’t reality. After about three hours, the afflicted will suffer a brain aneurysm and die.


    Geography cont.: Picking the flowers from the moss will kill the flower immediately, as they cannot be separated from the moss; however, they can be transported assuming the moss it is growing off of is still alive. If the flower is dead, only minor hallucinogenic effects, similar to making contact with the flower for one to four seconds, will occur regardless of how long contact is made. The buds that have yet to bloom are entirely harmless to touch.

    The river itself is at the apparent end to the passageway, and it flows from the right wall downwards to the left. Darkness covers both the right and left as well as across. Any attempts to traverse the river will be met with an increase in the current speed to the point where one cannot possibly swim in it. The water is around twenty feet deep. If contact is made with the water, no matter what or where, the one who made contact will be unable to break free, and they will be swept down the river by a sudden burst in the current’s speed.


    Civilization: There are no civilizations evident at all in this area.

     

    History: Not much is currently understood of the cave system leading up to the river. The companion post in the spoiler sheds some light on its discovery and the initial expedition, but nothing is evident from its exploration thus far. *wink*


    Purpose: The purpose of this world lore is to introduce the beginning of a (hopefully) long series of areas I hope to create for the dwarves of Arcas. This area is not purposed to be a one-off event area, but an interesting place to explore and build in. Creating a common story around this area and future areas will provide a meaningful, entertaining story for players, even non-dwarves if they want to show up. The area is meant to have a consistent purpose, rather than a mob pool and RP item hand out. Players will able to interact in this area by building in the larger chambers, and exploring the passageway down to the river. Interaction with the flowers has the potential for an enjoyable RP experience, and further interaction with the cave itself. This does and will not interfere with any canon present on LotC as this is a completely original idea to the best of my knowledge, and does not involve other pieces aside from the standard dwarven lore.

     

    Spoiler

    Companion Post: 


     

  5. What’s Under the Under-Realm?

    by Burnsy

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    In a small, musty storage room at the entrance to the mines within the halls of Kal’Varoth, a group of eight dwarves stand around a table in the center of the room in total silence. Various pieces of well-kept mining equipment are organized by shelf, but the dwarves are already outfitted in their own personal equipment. The echoes of hammers clanging on black iron, and the crackling of the fires in the forges can be heard; however, the typical hustle and energy of life in the Under-Realm of Urguan is absent in this compact storage room. The dwarves standing around the table study a map of the known tunnels in the Under-Realm, but they plan to venture deeper than any map could take them.

     

    The previous day, whilst working deep in the mines, a clan elder and his beardling happened to break into an uncharted section of the cave. The Grand Prospector, Dwarger Silvervein, was informed by the elder, and so he dispatched a crew of highly experienced miners to chart the new system. Any changes in the known cave system could pose a threat to the safety of the Under-Realm, as nobody knows what could be lurking deep within Arcas. Because of this potential danger, only the best would dare take up the challenge of exploring the vast subterranean maze. All the dwed standing in the storage room understood that even the slightest mistake could mean the cave becoming a crypt for them all.

     

    After the last of the crew had arrived in the storage room, a final check was conducted to ensure all present were ready for the expedition. With the preparations complete, the crew began their journey deep into the mines of the Under-Realm. The trip took the dwed through massive caverns filled with a multitude of scaffolding and machines used by the general mine workers; however, the presence of other dwarves became less and less apparent as the crew went deeper. Finally, the dwed reached the breach discovered by the elder and beardling, and so they entered. The sounds of the city of Kal’Varoth had long since faded away, and now the only noise present was the gentle dripping of water from overhead stalagmites. Torches carried by the crew of dwed reflected off the untouched walls of the cavern; gemstones and ores projected beautiful red, blues, and greens off the cavern walls. The dwed marched on in silence, knowing they were venturing into darkness that rivaled even the deepest caves the city of Kal’Azgaryum had to offer.

     

    The subterrestrial voyagers continued down through the winding passageways and enormous chambers, keeping their eyes sharp for any sign of danger, and marking their personal maps to compare at the end of the voyage. At the far end of a particularly large chamber, the dwarves were stunned by the presence of a thick, silvery moss that seemed to sprout out of the wall. It coated a majority of the back wall, and there was neither an apparent source of water, nor a way around. The leader of the expedition ordered two of the dwarves to draw their axes and inspect the moss as the rest of the group provided adequate light. The two axe-wielding dwed prodded cautiously at the moss with their axes before taking a hefty swing each into the silvery barrier of moss. The axes dug into the moss, and together the two dwed were able to remove a sizeable patch from the wall.


    Before the dwed now stood another passageway even deeper into the mine. The entrance was blacker than the smoke of the coal fires that raged within the forges of Kal’Varoth. The crew of dwed stood frozen in front of the entrance as a gentle breeze caressed their beards. As the breeze faded, the deafening silence of the chamber became apparent, as not even the sound of dropping water could be heard. The crew then carried on through the breach, torches and axes drawn. Not a single dwed would dare admit to his fear of what could be in the tunnels, but the strained breathing of everyone present spoke the words the dwed could not. Many times in the past had dwedmar run into horrible beings residing deep underground, and many times before had there been great loss of life due to the beasts that resided in the shadows of the caverns the dwedmar called home.

     

    The crew found themselves in a narrow passageway, covered top to bottom in the same moss they had broken through a moment ago, but there was yet to be an indication of any waterways this deep. As the dwarves progressed further down the passageway, small buds began appearing on the moss, dotting the walls and ceiling of the passage. One of the dwarves tapped a bud with his axe and picked it off the wall. Upon inspection, the bud showed nothing of interest, almost as if it could belong to a regular flower on the surface. After what seemed like an eon of walking down the long passageway, the company of dwarves stopped for a small rest. The dwarves sat eating small provisions they had packed for the journey, making sure to keep torches around the passage to ensure they would not be interrupted in the middle of their meal. After finishing up their allotted provisions, the crew began assembling their gear to continue forward. The gentle rustling of rucksacks being packed and closed was interrupted by the clatter of a small rock knocked down the passageway by one of the crew. The rock tumbled down into the endless darkness, the sounds echoing back until a small splash cut off the echoes entirely.

     

    The company headed further to inspect the source of the splash. The buds that had been dotting the passageway now gave way to dazzling jade colored flowers, a very faint glow surrounded each of the flowers, but before any of the dwed could further inspect the strange below ground blossoms the sound of rushing water filled everyone’s ears. What waited for the dwarves at the end of the seemingly endless passageway was an underground river. It intersected the narrow passageway, and ran down into an even deeper section of the cave out of the sight of the dwarves. The water came from under a wall to the right of the passageway, but the water was clearly too deep for the crew to safely traverse. Despite numerous attempts at lighting the way, the dwarves failed to see past the edge of the water; darkness swallowed any light past the river. The dwarves had struck a dead end.

     

    The company stood befuddled at the presence of a waterway so deep. One dwarf knelt down and ran their hand through the water. It glistened in the light of the torches, and was so pure and calm that the dwarf kneeling down could see his own reflection. It was cool and smooth to the touch, and a sense of calm enveloped the dwarf with his hand in the water. When the dwarf attempted to stand back up, his hand got caught in the water at the wrist as if he got it stuck in a long tube. He pulled harder, but to no avail, his hand remained firmly under the water. Confusion turned to panic as the continued efforts of escape only began dragging the dwarf along with the current. Other members of the company attempted to pull their companion back to safety, but the current only began picking up, roaring louder and louder until getting to such a point that the dwarf whose hand was stuck in the water was ripped down the waterway into a blanket of blackness. Not even a scream could be heard from down the waterway as the dwarves stood in awe at what they had witnessed. The current calmed down once again, and the company was left one member short, and devoid of a rational explanation for what they had just experienced.

     

    Spoiler

    Lore post for this area: 

     

     

  6. I don’t know how you can write so little about your ideas, but then proceed to write two paragraphs on nothing but bread. I mean, this doesn’t need a lore post, but good job for writing enough for bread I guess?

  7. 11 hours ago, Garrond said:

    Garrond would see this letter and nods with approval but would proceed to tilt his head as he has never heard of The Under Realm of Urguan and states “Aah Must beh one of those small kingdoms made from teh lads who lost the Grand Kingdom to Kerwyr Frostbeard, Good times har har”, he proceeds to laugh with his Frostbeard brothers, he then proceeds to plot the destruction of this new kingdom.

    An opportune meeting at the Cloud Temple would bring Ulhart Grandaxe face to face with the former king of the now defunct Kingdom of Kaz’Ulrah. Ulhart had spent years holding in a rage for the despicable dwed who toppled the Grand Kingdom, but Ulhart only had one word for Garrond as he laid his hand on his shoulder and pointed down the stairs of the Cloud Temple.

    Spoiler

    “Gottem.” Ulhart said in a monotone voice before walking off.

    592857175_1280x720.jpg

     

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