Search the Community

A leather-bound tome lies unattended. The pages are stark and clean, suggesting a recent publishing, or attempts at preservation. You pick it up, curious at the title- what are Long Pigs? The answer is likely not what you hoped. To Cook a Longpig Authored by Barbog, Grubgoth of the Iron’Uzg Translated by the Orcish Cultural Revival And Purity project (OCRAP) For too long, brothers and sisters of the Uruk-hai have been left in the dark by the master butchers and Grubgoths of Uruk society. Perhaps these were never meant to be left secret, or forgotten by the masses, but as times and traditions change, so too has our knowledge of the past. Whilst many brothers may still seek out and butcher the longpig like in days past, there is a distinct lack of etiquette about it, and the dishes prepared (if they can even be called such) featuring longpig are woefully inadequate at best, and a slap in the face of Glutros at worst. I shall do my part in redeeming my misguided brothers, sisters, and any who fancy a decent meal of the most coveted meat. TO BUTCHER A LONGPIG As we all know, there are many types of longpig in the world. From the gamey, lean cutlets of the Mali, to the chewy gristle notable in Dweddish meat. Each variety of longpig brings unique textures and exotic tastes to any dish, but all maintain similar anatomy- and thus, similar cuts. Below is a detailed sketch, drafted by a close friend and confidant- whom I paid in meals, of course! The following parts have been carefully labelled and separated on the drawing; Head, ears, jowl, snout, neck, blades, shoulders, hock, back-fat, arms, hands, ribs, flank, belly, loin, rump, lower hock, leg, shank, and feet. Please take careful note of abnormal, non-descendent races. As one might expect, the belching Wonk or the limber Hou-Zi will undoubtedly be cut differently, as their anatomy grows further from traditional longpig cuts. The Musin shan’t be more than a snack. TO MAKE A MEAL OF LONGPIG Whilst cooking the meat itself is none too dissimilar from a hock of lamb or pig belly, one must be careful when selecting your sides! Longpig has a very distinct tone, and, due to its exotic nature, should not be wasted on unfitting dishes. My personal recommendations are as follows: HUMAN - As time-tested-and-true as beef or pig itself. While certainly a cut above livestock, if not just for the hunt involved in procuring this meat, I personally feel that you have better options. Truly, Longpig is meant to be a rare delicacy, and the abundance of humans leave this rather paradoxical- and the tastes and textures themselves are certainly nothing to write home about. If you were to create a barbaric or uncultured dish, then human meat suits perfectly. Burgers and bacon, perhaps, but leave serving longpig before a king to the Mali or Kha. ELF - As much as they may protest when alive, when you get down to the fundamentals- the flesh itself- they’re really all quite similar. Indeed, the tender, gamey, supple meat of the Mali are among my favorite dishes. I cannot speak highly enough of the feasts I have turned the odd botanist or researcher into. Perhaps it is their natural femininity, or their inclination to bookish things, but elves have an unrivaled, juicy tenderness. The finest of red wines, and the most expensive, outlandish sides could never be enough to compete with the meat itself- but perhaps they may make it better by comparison. DWARF - As the stout, tough race toils hard in their mines and are born with muscles taut as stone, so too is this reflected in their meat. If you wish to cook evenly and deeply with this longpig (or shall we call them shortpig?) , then a good tenderizer and elbow grease is required. I can assure you, though, that they make a most excellent brisket if you do, and there is no better iteration of pulled longpig meat, than that painstakingly torn from the Dwed. HALFLING - While it wounds me as a friend of the Weefolk to have to record an entry that may be mistaken as encouraging their slaughter, I only do so in the highest regard as an objective chef. They are, as one may expect, quite similar to the flesh of the human that some allege they originate from. They have more ‘earthy’ notes to them, which some have suggested come from the divergence of ancestry. This pairs well with heady beers and hard liquors. Should you come across the meat of the half-men, I can only suggest one thing; avoid the feet. They are tough, covered in calluses many, many layers deep, and unlike shucking a clam, does not reward you with good grub. WONK - Their anatomy is, quite simply, repulsive to most casual consumers. Even the meat itself is slick and slimy, and the only cure is to char it into a brick- a cardinal sin that no true cook should ever commit. You have two options when it comes to the Wonk as longpig. You may either attempt to recreate certain seafood dishes with Wonk meat, leveraging that sliminess as one might the slippery raw squid, or slick watery vegetables. This, in my opinion, is the best choice for most of the Wonk’s body… except for their hock, leg, and shank. These are fatty and have a texture somewhere between soft fish and poultry. Best when sauteed and stewed! Fun fact: Wonk legs do not stiffen up as fast as most animals upon their demise, and may even twitch when heated up in cooking! HOU-ZI - An odd choice- and I say that proceeding the Wonk! Whilst there are similarities between the Hou-Zi, and races such as halflings and humans, they are an entirely different beast- No offense to Hou-Zi intended! Truly, they ought not be hunted for their meat, as it is rather bland and chewy in the most unpalatable way. Instead, the true delicacy of the Hou-Zi is in the mind… And I say that in the most physical sense. Chilled Hou-Zi brains. Do not question it, merely enjoy it. KHA - Whilst Kha are very few and far between these days, I would argue that only makes the already-exotic taste of the meat feel only that much more so! Truly, in days where Kha would roam our borders in droves, were days where the Ilzgûl blessed our civilizations. There is something so… utterly indescribably, in the juices of Kha meat. I cannot stress this enough- this meat NEEDS to be served rare, if not raw. Any dangers of undercooked meat are well worth the suffering when beer-basted Kha precedes it. MUSIN - Musin themselves have little meat, and are best served as a side of their own. However, should you find yourself with many little mouse-meals, you may find that they are best incorporated as half-dish. Meals such as a mushroom-and-musin kebab, or a chunky stew, would be a wonderful use for these little snacks. SEZZIKBEKK - While their bodies are quite unappealing at first glance, they hold much meat in their more ‘avian’ parts- the thighs, breast, and (on some specimens with less-twisted appendages), wing-meat. Whilst these may be used as a replacement for more common fowl, such as chicken or partridge, they truly shine when deep-fried. Indeed, while I find few things more delicious in this world than Krugtucky Fried Chicken, I have found their equal in Fried Sezzikbekk. TO PLATE A LONGPIG This will, of course, vary by the meat itself, and how you cook it. Humans, halflings, dwarves, and the like will be suitable as plain affairs- one would not be remiss to see human sliders on a plain ceramic tray, and for good reason. For more ‘exotic’ meats, then rest assured, I recommend firmly to play this up in their presentation. Sauteed wonk with a smooth Teriyaki sauce, Musin kebabs wrapped in palm leaves with carefully-threaded skewers connecting the cutlets, and Deep-Fried Sezzibekk stacked like a tower, with garlic powder and shredded kaktuz sprinkled from high above. All of these are presentations I have seen with my own eyes, and they never cease to entertain and enthrall even the most well-fed of critics. Go with your intuition here, but I must repeat from earlier; do not waste your longpig. The taking of a life is much more special here- a cow or chicken are penned and dumb, and the act of bringing one to your table is of absolutely no note. The battle that wins you a prime dish-to-be of longpig, however, means that the meat itself deserves a higher level of respect. Perhaps you may attempt to recreate aspects of that very battle in your plating, but at the very least it makes an entertaining story to share. AFTERWORD Whilst my advocacy for the consumption and proper preparation of longpig cannot be understated, I do not intend for this book to inspire my brothers and sisters to become butchers for the sake of sport. It is the very act of a well-fought battle that makes the meat taste that much more succulent, the comedy of serving a belly cut deep by your friend’s arrow, that is to truly ‘make the meal’. To turn them into common chattel is right-out. Livestock has grown complacent, boring, and dare I say, a turn-off to many chefs. Respect the intent behind serving longpig, by not abusing the source the Ilzgûl have so generously provided. They are the sustenance after a battle, not some simpering beast to be penned and bred for grub alone. But, above all else; Cook well, my friends. -Barbog

Let's start simple; We all know how many cannibals are out there. Onto the main show. ~Why This is Needed~ The reason I wish to implement this disease is simply to counter the recent uproar of cannibalism, while it may not be common in everyday places like Kingston or per say Leumalin, now that I have been around the Dark Elven community for some time, it's become apparent there is a legion of torso chompin Dark Elves, and I will not point a finger at them, but other races too. Surprisingly enough most of it is in Malinor's quieter areas. The Aer disease will make a negative to chomping down on the corpse of your dead friend after he gets shot with a cannon and such. In the real world not many people eat others, besides a tribe in New Guinea, but they all died, a while ago, from disease. This disease, while I want to stay original, slowly shut down all motor control to the point of paralysis, and actually altered the state of mind to incorporate both feelings of depression and laughter. Thus, the number of people desiring to eat others for the sake of being unique will die down, while I encourage being unique, I think we can all agree eating bodies is not the answer, well, unless you're an Orc. Which I will touch upon further, onto the juicy content! ~What A'er is~ A'er is a serious disease that has many negatives, and possibly a few upsides if you're an optimist. Through eating dead bodies your entire life and picking through bone, rotting and fresh, for one your teeth aren't going to be in good shape. A'er has multiple stages, and develops over a long span of time, inflicting a slow and sorrowful, futile death upon the contracted. Of course with our lovely monks it will merely render you an experience to remember. Let us get onto the stages; Stage 1: Incubation The first stage inflicts the person with dizziness, halusinations, and aches/pains, while it is not severe the user can be led to see multiple things, and begin to slip into a state of paranoia, questioning if their friends are really, their friends. This stage usually begins to show after two years of technically contracting the disease itself. This Paranoia is the main aspect of the disease at this point, which is a very minor alteration of the mental process which may cause the contracted to feel as if they're being watched from behind. Common symptoms in relation would be a lot of looking over their shoulders, small pupils, and the twitching of the eyebrows(although rare). Since the Science around this disease is unknown, the effects of potions will have to be tested in the future. The next stage of the disease usually appears within half to a full month after initial symptoms. Stage 2: Isolation Now the contracted will begin to see entire people that are not there, making out odd treestumps for monstrous things, and of course more than that. The dizziness begins to fade as the disease has completely taken the immune systems function, and there is no longer any conflict as the disease develops. Contracted people will begin to isolate themselves from there friends, strangers and some family, but will probably at this point still have someone they'll go to in seek of protection, depending on the person of course. Now the presence of something watching will be more than that, you'll feel as if it's behind you, staring down towards you, thus leads most people to sit in corners, so they can see everything. This is also another symptom. The Contracted at this point is dangerous, and may be led to attack those that impose on them, especially if there is a weapon on them, or even near them. The two major symptoms are Halusinations and Paranoia, but the coughing of blood has been recorded as well. Stage 3: Attachment and Severance In stage three the contracted person begins to get attached to the one they picked out as a trusted person early in the second stage, now seeking them for guidance, answers and assistance, they will now see fighting, just out of at the edge of their vision, and may seek out the person they chose as protection. Anyone else they were acquanted with have become enemies, and the contracted may grow violent simply once they're in sight, whether in halusinations or reality. To counter-act this violence, the contracted also begins to show signs of joint stiffness, muscle aches and cramps, and less motor coordination. They'll seem sluggish, and take time to react, and sometimes just stop running or walking altogether, just staying in one spot, which have been the source of cases where starvation has occurred. Final Stage: Death The Contracted is now nearly immobile, only able to turn their head, move their arms, and eyes, they cough blood repeatedly, have shakes, massive fever, and attempt to lash out at anyone who nears them, they are extremely depressed, aching for suicide, for these alone would not kill. After days of isolation, the contracted kills themselves through means of grabbing objects near them and bashing their own head in, or in harsh cases, strangling themselves or clawing at their chest and tearing through. ~How~ Well, if you're eating people you're already a bit off, and twisted... The disease itself is a mental illness which always ends in the suicide of the user, but to avoid almost certain death there is one element of the illness in which can prevent this, which will be emphasized on after the exceptions of the disease have been covered. The disease can be contracted at different rates depending on which part of the body you eat, the quickest way the cannibal would contract the disease is eating the brain of muscles of the body, which are the highest in the cells which can potentially harbor the A'er disease. Orc Immunity Orcs have never before been recorded of harboring these sicknesses, if they ever have they have grown an immunity to it LONG ago, or have simply been able to fight it off from the start. Troll Immunity Trolls are oddly similar to Orcs in their diets and mannerisms, thus they too have forged a resistance over years of Cannibalism, simply because they are made to do such things, and have a natural combatant for diseases such as this. Kha Immunity Similar to the above two, Kha primarily eat other beings (Elves, Humans, Dwarves, etc), thus they have also developed an immunity to the overwhelming presentation of proteins. Resistant Sub-Races/Special Beings: -Frost Witches. (More to come, request if you believe something should be added) ~Prevention~ As you've read above, there is one person whom the infected will select to be one that they can rely on, if the relied person can actually help the infected, it will drastically reduce the rate of development in the contracted. Other contracted's will also seek help of this person if they effectively witness him/her helping someone as such. There are benefits to this method if one uses it correctly, but rarely occurs. ~Epilogue~ There is absolutely no chance I covered everything, so please, fire up your questions and I'll provide answers and store them in the section below. ~Question Depot~