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  1. I write this whilst laying in bed, half-delirious so forgive me of my errors, and forgive me of my wish to lead another life through story. I love my husband and daughter but all the death that surrounds me while I sleep suspended in time by sickness wearies me of life. I want to get better, I do, to finally be a part of my family again before more people leave me. I miss the years when I ran through the woods, searching for nothing at all, simply enjoying the freedom and burn of my lungs. I miss returning home to the Morovar family’s loving embrace, finding my mamej at the center of it all, leading the chaos steadily. I miss my papej, who was always running the house, dealing with court shenanigans, and yet found the energy to love each and every one of us. I miss my eldest borsa Wilhelm and the many fond times we had together, from jumping off roofs into his arms to the day he got my first puppy, Iris. Then there's my borsa Arjen, always up for some mischief and adventure, who was the first to sneak me alcohol in my younger years, and went hunting for goblins in the woods with me. I miss my whole family, together, like those nights in my childhood that I thought would never end. I miss myself as well, and mourn for my loss of strength, the energy I have lost in my battle against sickness that has disallowed me from making the changes I wish to see happen. Even so, I am thankful towards my husband who has stood by me every step of the way- since my very first outing alone to Karosgrad all those years ago. You have been my dearest and best friend and I cherish every moment I spend with you, even while I lay here, writing in our bed. It started during Lifstala, when what I thought was merely a bad season of colds took away my experiences, robbed me of my debut along with many other events I wished to enjoy. I was then given a grace period, though that time was filled with arguments between my favorite borsa Wilhelm and my love Lorence. They both feared losing me and thus could only see the other as the enemy. I was unable salvage their relationship as I fell sick shortly after my marriage to Lorence, and I was rendered unable to tell my borsa about the wedding because his duties had taken him elsewhere. I thank all those who did show up for our union, it being the last time I saw both of my parents, Leopold and Maeve Morovar. Though my mamej still lives Leopold was murdered shortly after I fell ill, his death occurring at the height of my sickness and rendering me blindsided upon hearing the news when I was finally better. At that point all I wanted, and all I still want, was to reconcile with the family I have left, raise my little Laila who came into this world shortly after my papej died, and be a good wife. I started the process of mending the ties between my love and Wilhelm, but sickness once again rendered me useless despite new attempts at finding out the source of the problem, and I was unable to finish my work. I fell ill once again and this time I woke up with the news of my borsa’s death on my husband’s lips. I cannot describe to anyone the pure madness that moment brought me, nor the grief that tore through me, but I am sure those who have lost their most important confidants can imagine. I write and finish this a saint’s day after his death reaches my ears, unable to get up from my bed and comfort those he held dearest in his later life. I apologize for my absence yet again. So in my grief I am picking up my ink and quill to write as I did in my younger years, to write and write and write until I can figure out this puzzle. Now, however, I write not only for entertainment but to bring meaning to the world around me which seems to get darker by the day, as I lay here suspended in time by my illness. I write to reach someone else who may be in pain, who may need an escape, who may need a reason to live and fight just as I do. I write just in case I die tomorrow, so that all those I know in life are sure of my love for them, and to get them through what could be a tumultuous time. I write so if I do get better I understand the thoughts going through my head in this feverish time, and to explain to my daughter why her mamej was so absent for her first steps, words, and all the other firsts 1st’s I've missed. Dedicated to: Lorence Colborn, my husband and best friend Wilhelm Morovar, my beloved borsa and role-model Maeve Morovar, my mamej who encouraged me through everything And Little Laila Colborn, my daughter who gives me the courage to live. Beauty Incarnate. I awaken from a nightmare, insanity in which my life lies tattered and broken. To find my dearest husband besides me, looking handsome as he sleeps With rays of early morning sunshine lighting upon his skin. His eyes flutter open and I am met by an alluring ocean Filled to the brim with love and happiness. Beauty incarnate. I awaken from a nightmare, in which my dearest borsa is dead. I am left giggling however as he sits up at the same time I do and our heads clatter together. We had fallen asleep together underneath the apple tree at Ghastenwald, After playing together forever in our home. We both jump up together, and run off to have more adventures, hand-in-hand. Beauty incarnate. I awaken from a nightmare, in which my mamej is nowhere to be found. Only to delight upon the sound of her voice ringing out downstairs, traveling towards me. She opens the door and the breath is taken from my lungs upon realizing just how similar we are. My mamej, the most dazzling, intelligent, and loving woman I will ever know. I get up from my desk to embrace her, telling her about all the ways I am trying to live up to her. Beauty incarnate. I awaken from a nightmare, in which I left my little Laila all alone. Only to hear her screeches of excitement as my husband plays with her in the other room. My little bundle of mischief, I will someday delight upon how far you’ve come. But for now I join them, playing simple little games you seem to never grow tired of. Oh how happy we are together. Beauty incarnate. I awaken from a nightmare, in which my papej was murdered. But I flash my toothy grin at him as he gently shakes me, for I had fallen asleep at dinner. I then pretend to sleep, and even though he knows I am awake, he carries me to bed, Night after long night. My diligent, hard working papej, forever looking after us. Beauty incarnate. I awaken from a nightmare, in which I hadn’t talked to my brother Arjen for years. Only to hear him getting yelled at for his mischief in Karosgrad. She promises our parents will hear about this, but I am able to charm his way out. And we walk off to fight goblins in the woods, makeshift swords in hand. My mischievous, trouble causing, lovely, fun borsa, who always has my back. Beauty incarnate. I awaken from a nightmare, in which I am unsure of what my sister Juliya is up to. Only to find her scrapping with another kid over the Morovar house honor. I laugh, and cheer her on, and of course she wins. And I help her up, bringing her to the medics. She is strong, beautiful, prideful, and on her way to become the best knight in Karosgrad. Beauty incarnate. I awaken from a nightmare, in which the Barony of Ghastenwald is dissolved. To hear the laughter of my family around me at a family dinner. We are joyous, and proud, and mad in the best way. Most importantly though we are together. And we know as long as that’s true, nothing else matters. Beauty incarnate. I awaken from a nightmare, in which I have nothing to do with my new family, the Colborns. To around the fireplace, hearty conversation filling the room along with laughter, A sense of belonging in the air, kinship. I know I will be right at home, serving as the bridge between the Colborns and Morovars A giant family who all love me. Beauty incarnate. I awaken from a nightmare, in which I am no longer myself. Finding my face smeared with ink, having knocked it over in my sleep. I get up and clean it up, staring in the mirror for a moment at my healthy complexion, Before going off to do everything I love, from writing, to adventuring around the forest And bonding with each and every person I love. Beauty incarnate I awaken from a dream, into the nightmare my life has become. As I look at the broken pieces, and every place I have messed up I realize I still have a chance. Wilhelm and Leopold may be dead, but there are so many others to love So many chances I hope not to waste, and to do so I have to fight. Fight to get better, and reach a place where I can be happy again. I will never forgive myself for being lulled to sleep, never forget those I have lost, As I look in the mirror at my sallow skin, I find strength. Beauty incarnate. While I may not have the opportunity to live through most of what is above, I still have a chance to live a happy, full life.
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