Jygg

[!] Next to some of the posted bounties, a bit of parchment has been offered in turn, presenting a response!
 

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Good day, Lizard-folk! Here we are again, eh? Another missive, another response. For this one, I suppose I'll have to be direct. It seems like you didn't take heed of my extremely valuable feedback from last time, and it's difficult to ignore the utter sewage seeping from your message. However, considering that you have mentioned me by name, I shall keep it brief, and focus on the areas that I take particular issue with.

- Firstly, I am in no way related to Anethryn, nor do I consider him my son, or anything in that field. While it can be easy to pass this off as a lack of interest in the simple verification of information, I believe there is a more malicious purpose for this!
 

- Simply put, I think you wish to associate my identity with a potential bounty. By including my name in conjunction with poor Anethryn, you wish to draw the ire of the bounty hunters towards me as well! For shame, Lizard Lads! For shame!

- While such a thing is certainly slanderous, I take more offence of the fact that this acts as your response to my genuine feedback on your missive! We could have had beautiful bit of cooperation; perhaps we may have swapped prospective literary contributions over tea! Alas, it was not meant to be!

I appreciate the time you spent creating and spreading the bounty message, but perhaps you could engage in more valuable exercises in future? I find knitting to be a good distraction, especially if you've got nothing else to contribute to the realm.

Much love,

A polite Kharajyr

[!] A wooden pole has been set up nearby the missive, and on the pole, a letter has been attached by way of a single nail!
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Good day, Lizardfolk!

I am writing this response to your very, very scary edict, not out of ideological concerns (though I do believe you are speaking utter dribble on the matter), but rather out of a desire to rectify the missive itself! I believe you could get your message across much clearer if you took on some of my suggestions! Hope you find them useful!
 

First, let’s start with a bit of art critique, shall we? While I can’t claim to come from a background of the visually artistic (I’ve always been dreadful with drawing, you see), I think some changes could be made to your emblem! Though I think the idea of the eye in the middle has some promise, it reminds me of a piece of pineapple held between two buns. Is this an Azdromoth sandwich, perhaps?

In terms of the drawing of the  ‘A’ at the top, it reminds me of an ‘Aheral scholar’s hand; all flowery and ultimately weightless. Maybe you could stylise it with some spikes coming out of the ‘A’, and surround it with some flames? Could get the point of Azdromoth across a bit better!
 

First paragraph, first sentence, I believe you can remove, ‘brethren who we call friend, who you call foe.’ Following that statement about ‘kith’, it just seems a little redundant in my opinion. You’ve already established the relationship in the initial part of the sentence, so there’s really no need to go on and on about it! Syntax is key!
 

The repetition of ‘for too long’ in the initial paragraph holds very little weight here. It is reminiscent of a child attempting to add a certain flare and ‘drama’ to their first story. Perhaps you could just use it once to establish your argument, and then let your message speak organically for itself from there?
 

Second paragraph. ‘Stop what will bring your end. Your end…’ Once again, the repetition! No need to say ‘end’ once again, especially after it just ended your sentence. ‘Demise’, maybe? ‘Desolation?’ I’m sure Azdromoth can invest in a thesaurus!
 

‘We will bring to you the fires of New Beginnings, for we will cinder your grand trees to ash and ember, to regrow without the squalor of man and beast in their tandem dance.’ - Consider breaking this sentence up! It may flow better if it was broken up into multiple sentences, rather than a single one.

‘We know of your destructive acts across the world -- destruction of arcane sources of power, repetitive, annoying.’ - Once again, REPETITION!!!! You used ‘destruction’ and ‘destructive’ too close to one another! Snore!

Third paragraph - ‘Heed our call or suffer in blazing dragons flame, unless you seek the meek end of baleful ash and brimstone same as Amaethea.’ - By the Aspects, this sentence made me wish that I forgot how to read. ‘Blazing dragons flame’. Really? ‘Blazing?’ How dull. ‘Meek end of baleful ash and brimstone?’ I take back what I said about the thesaurus before. Now it just seems you’re vomiting adjectives onto the page. Yawn!

Overall, a decent piece, but I believe some improvements could really make it shine and intimidate! Please take the time to rectify your mistakes before posting another missive. I hope this was useful to you!

Much love, 

Shark Druid Za’Kabar

MC Name:

         Jyggrasil

Character's Name:

         Za'Kabar

Character's Age:

         400

What feat(s) will you be learning?

         Druidism - Transcendence

Teacher's MC Name:

         OhDeerLord

Teacher's RP Name:

         Dwyn

Do you agree to keep Story updated on the status of your feat app?:

         Yes

Have you applied for this feat on this character before, and had it denied? If so, link the app:

         No

Are you aware that if this feat is undergoing an activity trial and fails said trial, that you will lose the feat? And that if it is apart of the Lore Games, it might drastically change soon?:

         Yes

An old Kharajyr nods his head in approval at the gathering. “Eet ees guud to see dawh pawple come togethawr once mawre.”

It's teaching season, m'lord.

Yessir, this one is mine.

yeah

A Kharajyr Druid has aneurysm after aneurysm as he reads each part of the notice.

MC Name: DruidicGreen

Character’s Name: Za'Kabar

Character’s Race: Kharajyr

What magic(s) will you be learning?: Alpha Feral

Teacher’s MC Name: Ridethesky

Teacher’s RP Name: Toren

Do you have a magic(s) you are dropping due to this app? If so, link it: N/A

Do you agree to keep the MT updated on the status of your magic app by using the Magic List Errors topic?: Aye

Are you aware that if this magic is undergoing an activity trial and fails said trial, that you will lose the magic?: Aye

Have you applied for this magic on this character before, and had it denied? N/A

please dont do this my son

How did you manage to turn an ama into a thread with drfate arguing about genders

A black-furred Kharajyr shuffles his way along one of the many paths which wind through the grove, his staff gripped tightly within his hand, shoulders hunched forward and head held low as he pressed onward towards his home. He curled his free hand around the door knob of the front door, his wrist flicking to the side as he turned the door knob to open the door. He steps inside the home, slamming the door shut behind him, which results in a rather loud bang, a bang which echoes through the home. The Kharajyr tilts his head back, lips parting to allow for an enraged snarl to escape him. "Aspects, damn eet! Dawt's anawthawr fawking brawthawr lawst! Why did eet hawve to be him? He haws done wrawng, bawt we all hawve messed up. Fawking shite, he did nawt deserve to leave dawh world as he did." The Kharajyr stomps over towards the dining room table, where he proceeds to seat himself down in one of the chairs. His form slumps forward, a low groan escaping him as he reaches into his bag, his digits curling around a glass bottle which contains liquid. He pops the lid off the bottle, the strong stench of alcohol immediately filling the air of the home. "...Arghh... Tonight, Za drinks fawr yawh, Toren. Aspects give yawh dawh peace yawh deserve. Za hopes all yawr pains awnd wawwries hawve left yawh, as yawh rest in daw realm of daw Aspects." He leans back into the chair, head tilting back as he raised the bottle to his lips to allow for the alcohol to flow into his mouth, and then down his throat.

Writing is superb, the concept itself is good, but I feel as if Druidism is fairly over-saturated as it is at the current moment. This doesn't really seem like it's needed within Druidism.

yeah

She's a pretty good RPer. I say give her a chance at ET. +1

Interesting concept, but ultimately not needed at all. -1

A Druid shakes his head, scowling as he reads from the book. "Clerics fawking sawck."

LT LOOK AT YOUR LORE, AND LT SAY 'FREEZE'
BUT FITERMON NEVER 'FREEZE'
AND THEN FITERMON WALK AWAY BECAUSE HE NEVER FREEZE, MY BRUDDAH

hey LT maybe don't skim over this lore because it is alchemy or not a major magic maybe give it a proper read because it is good lore and it deserves the proper attention okay thank you very much

why

MC Name:
The_Shrouded_One
Character's Name:
Za'Kabar
Character's Age:
Around 200 or so.
Character's Original Race (N/A if not applicable):
Kharajyr/Treelord
Transformed form:
Feral
Creator's MC Name:
_Sug
Creator's RP Name:
Taeral
Briefly explain the lore behind this construct or creature:
A feral is essentially a half man, half beast which was created to serve the Mani Morea. In addition to serving Morea, ferals are sworn to protect nature and the balance within in through force and violence. Ferals have two forms: Their descendant form, and their 'beast' form. A feral in their descendant form can possibly be identified by elongated canine teeth, and the golden hue of their eyes. Ferals in their 'beast' form are a lot more beast than man. The feral grows in size, while also taking on the appearance of a wolf-like beast. The blood of the wolf enhances the scent of the feral, which allows them to sniff out creatures and blood from around 30 blocks away. Additionally, ferals also possess a keen eyesight, which allows them to pick up the smallest details and movements in their environment. The scent of blood can force a feral to transform into their beast form, which is dangerous for the feral, as they are vulnerable to attacks while they transform. Ferals in their beast form have enhanced strength and agility. In addition to their claws, these abilities make them the perfect protector of nature. The beast form of a feral is influenced by their descendant form. A feral with black hair in their descendant form will produce a feral with black fur while they're in their beast form. Ferals are weak to a great deal of things. Silver, gold or holy magic can cause pain to a feral. Bright flashes or fire can blind the feral, while high pitched sounds can possibly cause the feral to pass out, due to their sensitive hearing. Control and commune can be used by Druids in order to calm the feral down, even possibly convert them back to their descendant form. Ferals cannot wield weapons nor magic while in their feral form. Ferals are unable to defend themselves while transforming, as they are put into a state of immobility.
Do you have a magic(s) you are dropping due to this app? If so, link it:
No.
Do you agree to keep the MT updated on the status of your magic app by using the Magic List Errors topic?:
Yes.
Do you consent to accepting what may happen to this character?:
Yes.
Have you applied for this creature on this character before, and had it denied? If so, link the app:

N/A

I think Corvoo would do wonderfully as an FM. He's insanely calm. I swear to god, I've never seen this man get angry at anyone. Being calm and collected is certainly a good trait to have when you're an Fm, due to all the absolute sh** you have to deal with on the forums. He's certainly got my vote. +1

Yeah, I think that he'll do rather good as an FM. Add him to the team now, please. +1

Druid gone bad