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Beneath the Bark - An Anthropological Study of Wood Elves ____ By Krenanteon Stolt’aroloth ____ Forward “To study the world is the joy of living.” Those are the words of yours truly, the renowned writer and intellectual Krenanteon Stolt’aroloth. While the pursuit of knowledge, both deep and near, is my goal within this strange mortal coil, there is one topic which has always fascinated me beyond all. Since my days as a small icicle, the nature of the primitive wood elf filled my cranium with bountiful curiosity. Thus, five years ago I decided to finally study these puzzling creatures in a depth that previously lay undiscovered by outsiders of their culture. Living among the wood elves and deeply immersing myself within their habitat, I observed them closely. What follows are my findings. Physiology The wood elf is a “creature” whose name is apt. Born from seed, these nymphs of the forest bloom under the supple teat of the sun, relying on the blue milk of the earth to blossom away from the muck in which they were implanted. This development process of the Mali’ame, however, like that of most primitive beings, is a slow one. It begins with the growth of seed within a male ‘ame’s hair. Each spring, there is a chance of such phenomena occurring. However, being (debatably) of the mali taxonomy, and so cursed with infertility, this phenomena is one that is exceedingly rare. If, by slim chance, a wood elf of the male variety does find an earthy kernel within his plumage, he treats it with care until reaching a ripened white state. This is a crucial stage that often ends in catastrophe, given the reckless demeanor of the male wood elf. Although, once in a green moon, the seed is not treated haphazardly and is able to ripen. When this occurs, the male plucks the pearl from its brown, keratinous branch and begins his search for a suitable “mate”. If a female is willing, she takes the seed and places it in her belly button. The seed then sits in this cavern for a number of days, given a regular watering from its new host until it finally germinates. Once the initial sprouting has started, the seed is fished out of the belly button and is brought to a suitable place in the soil. Typically, wood elven parents elect to plant their seed within their home garden. It is here that the final, and longest, stage of their development occurs. Growing in the dirt, the mother and father care for the seedling, giving it ample water and sunlight. Through such gentle nurture, they sprout what the layman would define as elven features. After many months, pointy ears, pointy faces, and all manner of limbs bud from their spriggy stem, coming to resemble the typical wood elven form that we all know. But what lies within this elvenoid exterior that we claim to know? While many a critter of the realm gain their vitality through the thick red ichor most commonly referred to as “blood,” the same cannot be said of our woodland “kin.” Like all trees born of seed and dirt, the wood elf is composed of wood. This, however, does not mean that he or she is less vulnerable. They too contain bits on the inside that need to stay on the inside. Planty fibers drive their movements and organs of cellulose maintain a natural order within their husk. However, none of these internals can function without the life-giving sap that runs through their bodies. This sweet, viscous syrup pools through the spongy mesophyll, pumping in and out of their vital sacs, making the bodies function (application of this syrup upon breakfast cakes is at the reader's own discretion). As it must fill all areas of their form, the sap flows close to the surface of the wood elf, allowing them to be easily tapped. Much like blood, loss of this syrup proves catastrophic to the wood elf, leading to a quick death. Thus, the vitality of the wood elf is balanced on the edge of a knife by this arguably delectable fluid. Behavior Being a creature of wood and bark, the Mali’ame is highly susceptible to most types of damage. Sharp and pointy objects like swords and axes cleave easily through their oaken flesh. This is commonly demonstrated by the lumbermen of the forest. Moreover, if not properly hydrated, the wood elf is highly flammable, able to combust in seconds when in the close presence of fire (See appendices for data). For these reasons, the wood elf has a deep and innate sense of cowardice which compels him or her to nearly always run away from a fight. However, this is not always possible. At times, a woodland sprite may have no choice, and in deep internal conflict with its own nature, it must engage in battle. Given that loss of bodily fluids is a concern, it is starkly important that animals have the ability to defend themselves. The elves of the trees, however, are composed of dense, woody fibers that are stiff and difficult to move. Thus, they are neither agile nor quick on their feet, holding a significant disadvantage on the battlefield as a result. While this dense limb composition may allow them to lift a weapon with relative ease, the stiffness of their woody tissue does not allow them to move the blade effectively. For this reason, a wood elf will never engage in a duel with another race of mali, choosing only to fight in great numbers to make up for their significant lack of skill. Similarly, the weak physical makeup of the wood elf has resulted in the development of a constant state of hiding. These wood nymphs lock themselves away in shambling villages barricaded by mountains and trees, keeping their gates under lock and key at all times due to their constant fear of the vastly superior beings of the continent. This cowardly and distrustful behavior, however, has seemingly made them a bigger, and more sporting, target for said beings. Religion and Druidism In terms of religious affairs, the ‘ame people worship a grouping of fictitious and blasphemous “gods” known as the Aspects. In the name of these false idols, they carve large wooden statues and conduct strange rites atop tall hills. Strangely, despite the wood elves’ innate weakness to flame, part of these rites involves the construction of large pyres in which to dance around in a primal fashion. In groups, they skip and bound in circles round the fire, chanting strange phrases. While in Elvenesse, I witnessed several ‘ame perish to these fires amidst their dance rituals, and it remains unclear as to whether this is an intentional (albeit in vain given the falsities of their “gods”) sacrifice, or whether they simply jigged too near to the flames. A foolish move for a foolish people. The worship of these so-called gods holds close ties to a heathen magical practice known most commonly as “Druidism.” These druids adopt the primal rites of the Aspects in the use of heretical ceremonies as a means of conjuring magics, hexes, jinxes, obeahs, voodoos, hoodoos, snoodoos, and the like. Given the falsity of their deities, the enchantments of such wiccans are likely little more than parlour tricks. However, the intent of any magical rite or incantation is a foul thing that breeds foul things. Thus, caution should be warranted around those that practice such depravities. Language While today it is true that these “elves” speak the same tongue as their “fellow” mali, through careful and stunningly accurate observation, it became inescapably evident that there is more. Before adopting the dialect of higher beings, the Mali’ame developed a form of speaking that was entirely their own. After months of deep immersion into their twiggen culture, I began to see flickers and glimpses of this communication, which can only be described here as primitive, insulting, and a bit rhombus. Hiding from the cover of the scratchy underbrush, I was fortunate enough to witness an “interaction” between two “elves” of the woodland complexion, the like of which I doubt has been seen by a more advanced creature for thousands of years. What I witnessed appeared to be an exchange of odd, guttural grunts that were highly offensive to the ear. It was not for many moments until it became apparent that these grunts actually held some form of “meaning” behind them. Not only that, but the language seemed to stem beyond mere throated yarps, and in fact, included motions of the hands and feet. Strange combinations of tapping, kicking, and crossing of limbs seemed to coincide with brash facial emotions, in tide with specific grunts and gurgles from deep within their woodpipes. An oral/visual language form! I have taken to calling it “barking.” What follows are interpretative meanings of the observed expressions: Hello: “Hgurgh!” + wave Goodbye: “Ggurgh!” + wave Yes: “Ygurgh!” + nodding + clapping hands No: “Ngurgh!” + shaking head violently + stomping + optional slapping of peer Tree: “Tgurgh!” + wide eyes + waving of both hands up + widened stance Leaf: “Lgurgh!” + wiggly fingers tapping forearm Fruit: “Fgurgh!” + Salivation + Enclosed fists clanking together Banana: “Bgurgh!” + look of excitement + wide eyes + pounding chest Appendix I. Wood Elven “Tapping” - Tree taps were inserted into the bark of 5 wood elven subjects - Only half inch tap was required to gain adequate sap flow - Average of 10 minutes to drain all sap - Average of 11 pints measured II. Wood Elven Flammability Tests: Quality Control: (All torches were of the same heat and placed to the same region of the wood elf’s body) Wood Elf Time to Ignition Tree log Time to Ignition Subject 1 6 seconds Log 1 4 seconds Subject 2 5 seconds Log 2 5 seconds Subject 3 2 seconds Log 3 3 seconds Subject 4 5 seconds Log 4 6 seconds Subject 5 3 seconds Log 5 5 seconds III. Wood Elven Growth Rate & Protocol Quality Control: (All seedlings were harvested from the branches of the same ‘ame) 1) Harvest seedling from male ‘ame hair branch 2) Implant into female ‘ame belly button - Check for germination progression each day and water regularly - Average Germination Time: 2-3 days 3) Remove from belly button and plant in warm, moist soil (long term) - First sprouting after 2 weeks - Should see healthy growth for many months - First sign of ears: inconclusive IV. Stolt’aroloth Breakfast Cake Recipe Ingredients - 2 Greet eggs - ¼ cup of caribou milk - ½ cup water (melted from Fennic ice) - 1 cup flour (finely sifted) - 3 Tbsp melted butter (pasteurized from caribou milk) - Dash of vanilla extract - Sprinkle of zested cactus hide Directions 1. Mix all ingredients into a large bowl. 2. Per cake, pour 1 cup mixture into an omelette pan. 3. Let each cake cook for 1 minute. 4. Serve. 5. Application of freshly tapped syrup recommended.