Music:
Original Song
One hour Instrumental version for better reading
NOTE:
This post indulges deeply into the topics of suicide, mental health and family problems.
If you're sensible about these topics, please refrain from reading this post.
PLEASE DO NOT META-GAME
(You may still leave a reaction of your char to the death)
<3
It is over.
For I have made the decision to die.
Illythia’s life was packed with tragedies. Born in a family where each sibling was only worth as
much as the other, they were not even worthy of names. Illythia, the third child, was once called
III, which was the base for her name: Illythia.
Her Passion of walking barefoot was explained with the story:
“When I was a child, my sister and I used to play jokes on each other. Nothing too interesting. The
usual, like ‘Oh, I put way more salt into your soup!!’ or waking one another up with some water. Yet,
one time was different. I hid her pillow.
One can sleep without a pillow, but she took it as a war claim. Hence, she took my shoes and hid them. I
searched frantically; each and every place. While she already found her pillow, I was still searching for
my shoes. Until she felt sorry and told me that she hid them in the fireplace.
And you must know we used to live in the mountains. Which means the fireplace was used everyday. So
the boots got burned to ashes. And since we were far from any civilization, we had to earn our stuff. I
didn’t like goat fur, and ever since walked barefoot. Even in the coldest snow.
I’ve gotten used to it and grew to like it.”
While her siblings, I and II, got more attention, because they were male and had the potential of
hunting, and IV got the attention, because she was the youngest child, Illythia ended up to be the
middle child, who deserved no attention of their parents. She had taught herself hunting, as she
followed her brothers outside and asked them many questions. The connection between Illythia
and her younger sister was rather one of dependance. It was wholesome, but her sister always
helped Illythia get out of troublesome situations. Even though IV was the younger sister, she
took more care of Illythia, than the other way around.
“I was the careless child. I cared as much for life, as they cared about me.”
Once their parents died, everything was gone. Everything was ripped away within a moment’s
notice. Not just did the siblings act out of pure impulsiveness, but they’ve also split up in a fight.
I & II, and III & IV were acting on their own now.
”For 12 years we were wandering together. Until I’ve decided to find our brothers. Yet, the only thing I
faced was loneliness and weakness. I couldn’t sustain myself without her. I was practically a skeleton,
when she found me… I weakened us.
Since I have left and tried to find our brothers, I made us unable to stay on the streets together…”
And now that Ivory and Illythia have reunited, they immediately got back to fighting. About their
home, the fact that Illythia had no interest in Khel’ahern, a vampiric elf that had promised both
of them the ability to thrive, and many more.
Yet, it was as if destiny had told two individuals to be at the same location, at the same time, for
Enric and Illythia had met at the perfect time. Though Enric didn’t see himself as worthy, he
cared for Illythia. He had helped her…
But while they were talking, Illythia already knew her destiny to be sealed.
As Illythia focused on a campfire in front of her, she mumbled the words ”I am jealous.”
Of course, that made Enric curious, and so he asked “Of whom…?”.
The words “The fire of course” may have already caused a smart person to raise their brow, yet
she continued “I can only watch it. I could put it off, but the beauty would be gone…”
“I wanna burn as well”.
Finally, after Enric told her not to think such things, she said the words “You never know.”
“What if it feels good to finally let someone live in piece. I could adore my sister from above as well?”
Though, thanks to Enric, Illythia, for once, felt a sensation of happiness. They fell in love.
It was the reason Illythia began to write, for her first poem was directed to Enric.
“
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
A nerd I met,
To whom I’ll stay true.
My writing a mess,
He wouldn’t care less.
I can’t even play chess!
He, still, wouldn’t care less.
What I mean to say?
I’ll always be there to allay.
“
Her words sounded beautiful, but did they even mean something to her?
She had broken her promise to stay true to Enric, by making out with someone else. Just because
she was innocent and helpful. She was herself and with that she would’ve almost lost Enric.
Her only joy in life.
With beautiful words, she didn’t just describe what she feels to Enric, but it was an overall way to
cope with her emotions. Her series of diaries resembled bits and pieces of her lingering emotion,
which had been building up.
Her view on the future had also been explained with words, easy to understand, but they had
a deeper meaning. She did not talk about it directly, yet again, her destiny was depictured:
“A plan for the future is hard to defy… One never knows when they might die, nor when their plans
might change… Henceforth a structured plan for the future would be rather worthless, wouldn’t it?”
Her words resembled deep thoughts, yet it sounded peaceful. It didn’t sound as if she was
talking about any specific thing, but rather about knowledge she had gathered
“Do you think it’d be worth to plan for good weather, when you can’t define how it
will be nor who joins the plan? In my opinion that sounds rather silly, doesn’t it?”
As the other person specified that they didn’t ask for specified plans, but rather a rough goal,
things one wants to accomplish, Illythia responded
“It does, but I shall repeat. Why should I set any goals, if I don’t know if these will stay my goals.
Life may be short and one can easily suffer from a cause that makes them unable to achieve their goals,
leaving them sad that they’ve never reached them. I don’t want to mourn about anything that was unclear in the first place.
Therefore I don’t set any goals, but rather ‘hope’ for the future to find me.”
Why would one decide not to plan their future?
Illythia wrote a notebook about what she truly feels. Her words were clear and unfortunately not beautiful.
She knew well enough what she’s done, as she put the notebook next to her sister,
right before going to a bridge. While Illythia was sitting near the edge, and going through her past life,
she was interrupted by her worried sister, who had read the notebook by now.
The notebook was a scream for help and luckily her sister noticed.
Though Illythia told her that she’d been working, the sister did not leave. The conversation had been unpleasant.
Since, the problem with Illythia is her opening up.
She did open up in her books, yet she tried not to tell anything. And with that she continued being herself.
Not talking, but writing; Overplaying her thoughts with innocence.
Illythia was about to kill herself. If her sister hadn’t been there, she would’ve possibly been dead
and the story would’ve ended here. Yet it didn’t… It continued…
The spiral went down and Illythia made another mistake. She was curious and checked her sister’s diary.
This had been the second time, she made the mistake, but she knew not to tell her.
Instead she went to her sister’s lover and asked him for advice. Little did she know,
that this would escalate and result in an even bigger obstacle in her way.
And the worst yet to come. Her sister got to know of it. And so, once again the pot was boiling,
the two had a discussion and the words “Why must you be this way?” fell by Illythia’s sister.
Illythia was shattered. She broke. And so she asked her sister a question she’ll only ask twice in her life.
In the very same conversation, Illythia asked if her sister could kill her.
IV went up to Illythia, held a dagger to her throat and held it there. Ivory spoke the words:
“As if I’d allow you to take the easy way out. Oh no.
You will live and you will regret that decision for the entirety of your life”
Though she hadn’t been killed, Illythia died that day. At least emotionally.
At this point, Illythia knew she was actively destroying lives. Actively destroying lives, just by being herself.
She had written a guide, which is called ‘How to die - suicide methods’,
in which she explained nine deaths and how to properly execute them.
She knew her destiny to come.
To postpone her fate, she went to wander across Aevos and found herself comfort in the progress of life.
She wrote a book about this journey called ‘The words you needed to hear’. Perhaps… she would’ve needed to read it.
“Especially, because my mental health was almost at its lowest again, it came crushing down on me
and I’m sure, if I hadn’t left, I probably would’ve tried taking my life for a second time.
And I tell you. It wouldn’t have been worth trying”
She didn’t say that it wouldn’t have fulfilled her. She said that it wouldn’t have been worth trying.
Yet another hint…?
“
If you ever think of ending your life early, whatever the cause may be, don’t.
You may have read it dozens of times already.
And now I’ll say it again, in my words.
Life is worth it.
Life should be lived.
Life isn’t easy.
Life is earnable.
Life is draining.
Life is a challenge.
But ultimately, your life needs to be worked on. You need to take a step, before it’s worth living.
So do whatever you’ve always desired.
Do what you’ve wanted.
Do what your heart tells you.
Open up to people.
And your flower will look better than any other flower.
- Illythia Hathaway
”
It was the last book she had written.
And yet she died.
Did you not see the hints…?
Her last two years were spent with a smile. An everlasting smile, she had even worn for her death.
Illythia stopped writing and painting, but fully focused on her obsession with killing parrots.
It went so far that she even split contact with Enric, the one who had given her joy.
Her reasoning was the lack of trust toward Enric. Was it her only reason?
Her guide on suicide had mentioned things about emotional detachment.
Maybe she had unconsciously detached herself from Enric?
Nonetheless, she promised him a letter, if she’d change her mind regarding love…
If Enric knew what letter he might get soon.
And not just had Illythia cut contact toward Enric, she had made the decision to become a dark spawn.
She became a Corcitură. Was it an attempt to find something fulfilling?
It would surely fulfill any Corcitură to drink blood.
The truth was, she drank more blood than needed. Yet, it was an attempt to enjoy something, she was never made to be.
Her longing for something fulfilling reached its highest when she broke into a house to kill a parrot.
The parrot killing had made her feel good, but not good enough to make it fulfilling.
Her goal was to cleanse Haelun’or. And while doing so, she had once more followed her fate to die.
She followed the descendant’s longing for fulfillment, but by doing so. She was herself…
Illythia had sinned. That’s why her hand was cut off. She had been kicked from Haelun’or.
“You won’t die will you…?” Evelyn spoke, as Illythia got treated for her lost hand.
Illythia had turned down toward Evelyn and spoke the words “No, I won’t… It’s just a cut.”
”I’ll stay strong for you.”
Evelyn was one of the closest people to Illythia and it had been a child. They’ve met in Haelun’or
and quickly got friends, with Evelyn even calling Illythia her human sister.
It wasn’t necessary and she didn’t even know about her possible connection making them sisters, yet Evelyn did it.
Illythia appreciated the fact and did many things with her. She tried teaching Evelyn her best mindset.
The only words Illythia learned were filled with hope. And words that sounded smart.
Now that Illythia was kicked from Haelun’or though, Evelyn was alone there.
She sent a letter addressed to Illythia, stating that she felt scared without her.
Illythia had the idea of doing something together, picking flowers.
They’ve met. Illythia even had flowers on her, which she wanted to talk about.
Flowers that she had picked earlier that meant a lot to her.
But while Evelyn talked with someone, Illythia decided it was the time to talk to someone.
Not because she knew what was happening, but she solely wanted blood. Peacefully…
Before Illythia left, Evelyn asked “You’ll catch up to us, right?”
And how Illythia had always talked, with a smile, she said “Of course!”
So she went to Elijah, who was immediately wondering what happened to Illythia’s hand.
He asked. And asked. Until he had an answer. Illythia went parrot killing and while doing so, she lost her hand.
Elijah recommended Illythia to talk about things, for her parrot killing wasn’t rooted in brutality.
It was a way to cope with emotions, with things she had faced and she tried earning herself the silence, she had wished for in many moments.
Since Illythia didn’t have many people to talk to Elijah offered himself to listen.
And so she talked. About everything.
“But how should I tell anyone…” she said, looking down and making a small pause “everything about me…”
once again she paused, this time looking back up. It wasn’t one tear, but a stream of tears. “Without them leaving.”
Those were Illythia’s honest words. Words that she decided not to hide under a smile, but for once, she spoke about it.
“If it means for me to keep my mask. . .” she said, slowly starting to smile
“I’d rather keep suffering” was added with the tears still rolling down her face.
“It’s how I lost my love… It’s how I made my sister practically hate me…” As she said the word ‘hate’,
it was filled with the disgust she was faced with. Not just by her sister, but by anyone, who knew too much.
“Elijah… I. Can’t. Be. Myself.”
“The only thing you can do is recognize who you truly are…
If you can figure that out, then you can figure out what is the affliction and what is actually you.”
Elijah recommended after they had been talking more about the meaning of oneself
and why Illythia might feel so unsatisfied with everything she does.
And even if his idea was more direct, Illythia would’ve asked the question “But… Elijah…”
“Who am I”
And as they slowly stopped talking, since their conversation had been lasting multiple hours already,
Illythia stood up and wanted to leave. Until she had realized. Not only did she talk about herself.
But she has also told Elijah things about her sister. The one, who despite multiple fights, was Illythia’s actual role model.
Ivory.
She had betrayed her. Illythia tried making her life better by talking, but while doing so,
she betrayed her sister and talked about things that she had never wished for anyone to hear.
Illythia rammed a dagger into Ivory’s back. By being herself and talking.
For the last part of this story, shouldn’t be told by me, but by Illythia's last interactions.
Illythia stood up and went toward the exit.
“Until next time, Illythia”
Illythia took another step, but this time she hesitated. Her whole body began shaking, as if something had struck her…
She turned around and grabbed a dagger, which she’d been hiding under her dress the whole time.
Her eyes looked empty, as she spoke to Elijah
“Take it.”
“The dagger…?” He asked eyeing it, then her “Why?”
She stepped closer, a broken smile once again appeared on her face.
Her canines had elongated… She repeated once again the words “Take. it.”, but slower this time.
Her legs were shaking and her decision intrusive.
Yet she added a “Please”. As her hand shook, she held the dagger out toward Elijah.
It was obvious she wasn’t about to attack him, but only wanted him to take it.
Elijah stood up, the worry evident on his face. “… Okay.” He gets up and takes the dagger, “I’ll see you again, right Illythia?”
Illythia shook her head. She didn’t want to see anyone again.
Her decision was made…
A mumbling voice, not much better than a blow of wind passing, said “You’re my friend, right?”
clearly implying there was something she wanted him to do…
“I am, but I’m afraid of what you’re about to ask of me.” He said, holding the dagger in his hand.
Her hands were going towards Elijah’s. At least until she realized, she had only one hand to act with.
Yet, she put her hand on his and lightly guided him towards her chest. Which is when she repeated the word “Please.”
She wanted to add the words ‘do it’, but she didn’t have the power…
Her eyes looked deeply into Elijah’s. It wasn’t affection that was seen in her eyes, it was sole emptiness.
“Before I do this… I need you to do something for me…” He takes out a piece of paper and writes something down…
“You can add anything else you would like, but I need you to sign that.”
“I do not want another vampire to hunt me down…”
With an in- and exhale, she went to the table. At the table, she took out her feather, possibly for the last time.
It was time for her to write down, what Elijah wanted to. The truth.
And so she wrote a letter. Her last letter. Her last words. The only actual way to express herself.
Words.
With a shaky hand, she took the paper that Elijah gave her and signed it.
With a tear rolling down her face, she gave both, her farewell letter and her approval to Elijah.
No word was needed to say ‘I am ready’… she only nodded to Elijah.
Elijah would grasp the dagger in his hand, looking up at her.
She would see the saddened look on his face gone, replaced by… something else. Perhaps apathy? Boredom?
It felt neutral. He took a deep breath in and then out. “I’m sorry.” He simply said attempting to stab her.
And so the dagger went through the heart. No move by Illythia. No regret.
Her eyes filled with the same emptiness she had, as she asked him.
The tear that was rolling down her face, arrived at the lip, which raised. It was a smile forming on her mouth.
The smile came from finally being able to see her destiny. Which was to eventually die.
It wasn’t to become a vampire, nor about becoming friends with anyone. But to die.
Her depression, which played a crucial role had only made this fate worse, with no happy moment, as others would feel.
Ups and downs indeed, but she never had a feeling of fulfillment.
Just as the warm blood rapidly began coming out of her chest, she dropped down in the direction of Elijah.
Being a burden. Just like how she’s always been…
As she laid in his arms, bleeding out, he would look down at her.
Her life slowly fading away. “Your story, forevermore, shall be safe with me.”
He seemed to say it as if it were a pact.
He dug the dagger from her chest, more blood pouring out of her.
Lying still there until she fully passed on. “Until next time, Illythia.”
He took her body, carrying it ceremoniously, as little bits of blood dripped.
He placed her into the large oven in the back room.
He began to burn her body, lighting it aflame…
Until nothing but ash was left.
He then placed her ashes in a jar.
“May you now, rest in peace.” He sighed.
It is over.
For I have made the decision to die.
