[!] A ghost of a man long since dead sits down one evening, knowing that by the time the sun rises again his spirit will have faded from this realm once again… [!]
I never got to say it, did I? Goodbye.
Feels almost wrong to say it now, after everything that’s happened. Everything that’s been done. Maybe it was selfishness to an extent, wanting to see my son grow, wishing the world wouldn’t pass my fleeting existence by. But it has, hasn’t it?
I have lingered for too long. Yet not long enough, it never would have been.
. . .
I couldn’t leave on the terms of others, I had to make myself heard before I could go. So, if you are reading this then please… Listen one last time.
I was always a lot, loud, rambunctious, annoying, a child who’d say things that never made any sense. I was never very smart, but I knew my rights from wrongs. I thought hiding my feelings for the sake of others would keep them happy, but it only hurt them. I never understood why that was the case, maybe I never will. Not even in whatever existence I land in once I’m gone.
At the end of the day, I only grew into a man. All I ever was, just a man. A human, someone who lived and then died. For as long as I could remember I had wanted to become a purifier, someone strong with the goal of protecting others. I fought, and I fought and I fought anything and everything that came in the way of my family and their safety. I owed everything I had to Livius for taking the role of my father, I think back then I thought I was paying him back. Now, I’d have probably told you it was just what I wanted to do. I wanted to protect them, all of them.
The first monster I remember was a deer, not the typical deer. Inferni, I think. A horrible thing that had decided that day that children would be easy picking, five of us. We were so small then, dad never understood when I tried to explain the monster I saw. Maybe that was a good thing, nothing would have come from it had anyone heard my screaming back then.
That day, I swore I’d never run again. For the most part? I didn’t. I fought every monster that came for me and my family, because if I had ran I’d have gone back to being that little boy in the woods. Prey with its teeth bared. Hunted.
Despite my nature to run head first into danger, I think deep down I had always been terrified of the day I’d die. I knew it was creeping closer, every day I knew. My friends were, for the most part, elves. I was never going to be here as long as they would, and I was cutting my life shorter by fighting of my own volition. Still, I fought.
On Aevos, I was too young to understand why we had to leave, I was 11 when the talks of evacuation had started. 13 when we left, and then when we properly settled on Kalldur. I hated it, I was so angry and it felt so isolating despite how small Kalldur was. Despite how close everyone was, I felt like that island was going to kill me. I hated that mountain that took my home, and to an extent maybe for a while I hated my dad for taking me there with everyone else. Though I know it was never his fault, we were all scared to an extent. Just people, trying to survive by going somewhere safer. Somewhere that would be okay at least for a while longer.
It was on Kalldur where I fought most of those monsters that left me with the battle-scars to prove that I lived, to prove I have been alive. From the lich, to the chimera, to the wildlife of Kalldur itself. I fought and I fought and I fought. I fought at every break in that happened to our house, every monster that chased us. Everything that threatened us. I fought all of those monsters, and hunted even more. Seeked them out, and fought those monsters too.
I learned to carve bones, never to waste what was gifted from the animals I went out of my way to kill. I learned to cook for myself, and I learned to grow stronger in those woods alone.
There was a distance between me and my friends then, a distance that had since closed. Though, it was there. I was alone. That was fine, I had to adapt lest that sinking loneliness killed me. I’ve always been a Nord, and a Nord adapts to things when they hurt. There was no reason to be sad, depressed? I just had to push through. Get stronger, be faster. Never, ever let the darkness take me.
The remainder of my childhood was spent on that island, at 15 I had chosen to go with everyone else to fight the sea snake and clear the way to Azuras. That was not the first time I thought I was going to die, but it was the first time I looked it in the eyes so clearly.
That was the first time I ever looked at Andromeda and felt glad that her back was turned to danger, because at least if we did die I’d know that my best friend wouldn’t have had to die as afraid as I was. She had always been a protector as well, like me. I watched her keep her eyes on me as the pain made every breath feel sharp like knives, and I watched that thing behind her threaten to sink us all. I don’t fully remember what happened after that point, all I remember was that we lived despite everything.
I think by the end of it all, I was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being a soldier in a war that really started long before I took my first breath. I felt cruel for being alive, for being a person with thoughts and feelings that didn’t always align with what I believed was good. I was meant to be a pillar of everything good, I was a purifier. It’s what I believed in since I was young enough to believe.
War turns good men into monsters, it turns people into things best left rotting. On all sides.
I’ve seen it happen, again and again and again, and I still chose to believe in the good I saw in others. I still chose to believe that no matter your side in war, you are still a person who deserves to be respected. For that? Betrayal. Of course, maybe had I just been more careful. Had I kept my thoughts to myself, there would have been no reason for the cold of a blade to come down onto the back of my neck. It hurt, but not very long. I was more afraid than anything, not of dying this time. I was afraid of what the Empire would have done to my son, I heard him crying before it all went dark. I heard him. All I had was a trust that my betrayer wouldn’t do so again.
The last trust in humanity I had was that my son would get to go home safely.
. . .
I heard executions like mine usually end up being used to twist some kind of narrative, the last thing I wanted was to be some sob story. The last thing I wanted is for some truth to be skewered and shifted and pointed at after I died as if I was just some spectacle, an actor on a stage that just happened to finally end my part.
I think if anything, I’m glad to know that I was loved the same as I loved others. Despite my misplaced trust that ended in my own death, there were people who loved me and I loved them too. I was worth something, if only for a moment. I was worth something for being me, not a soldier, not a shell. But, as myself. I hope they choose to remember me, regardless of my fleeting existence.
I never got to say a proper goodbye to most people in person, but still.
Remember me as nothing that others claim that I was, only as what I am.
I am Onyx Flavius.
I will always be Onyx Flavius.
I am a Flavius.
It meant everything to me.
I smiled, and I laughed, and I chose not to fear what was ahead.
Death had chased me, hunted me for years and now finally,
Maybe it earned me.
When it rains for me again, don’t cry.
Someone still owes me a party one of these days.
I've never been very good with my words, or goodbyes. But to those who it might concern;
To Adlith
To Grisha
To Livius
To Reinn
To Grace
To Andromeda
To Sylvia
To Mr. Professor
To Evelyn
To Spindle
To Fenrick
To Meta
To Vivenne
To the Nords & Norns
“Iron from ice.”
To Aaron Redgar Von Rhoswald, AKA Criminal
