Botar is sitting in his room, a unadorned room, with only a small alchemic stand, a bed and a chest to hold his worldly items within it, and a small desk at which Botar now sits, holding his head. Unable to rest he sits with a look of grim memories and thoughts dancing around in his head writing them down in his private journal, trying to gain some sanity.
" Again with these thoughts, again with these dreams... again again and again... dear god I'm sorry.. I'm sorry for emperia, I am sorry for all I failed... now... now it seems everything falling apart. I cant seem to help anyone. All the face I still recall clearly, all dead... dead from my mistakes... dear god I'm sorry... I come here... driven by sorrow and a sense to die.. and I find a home and now it seems to have followed me. why why why why why could I not help them? ademas, lynx, bawapy, boney, ciar, lucas, banok,.... Vardak.. Decora... all dead, corrupted or shells of their former self's. Could not help them, could not save them, I could even have the knowledge to know they died till days later. I failed over and over again... Failed, failed failed failed FAILED FAILED FAILED FAILED!"
Botar writes the words with anger and self hatred till they are screaming in his head to the voices of and faces of the fallen, failed failed failed failed fai-. A knock brings botar back to reality, a voice saying that hempshine was hugging the bushes again and was in need of some medical need.
Botar closes his eyes and new images flood his mind, faces of the people he knows, Aedan playing on his instrument, Mira laughing and talking with mogroka, vincent logan and others, the citizens of winterfell laughing and playing on the isle. Hemp, Kais, Edward, Kal, Enor, Robin.... Dawn. A image of dawn comes to the front of his mind, Both of them laughing, crying, hugging, holding, kissing. He sees a image of the new life, Ella her child.
Botar Slowly open his eyes and lets out a sigh. He will give them all a better life, one they deserve, one they can be happy to have rather then this one filled with fear and sadness. He will hold himself together for them, for dawn, for ella, to be the kind of person she deserves.
He closes his book and grabs his medical bag, "coming!" he yells as he rushes out of his room, with a brave face put on, with the shadow of doubt not to far behind.