Storm

[KeiaTypeBeat 3277]

I want to be consumed by the violence

Bloody my knuckles to drown out the silence

The waters of my mind are getting non-compliant

The ocean is murky and the waves are so violent

 

The storm is rolling in

Cumulonimbus as black as sin

And I'm thinking about giving in

There's just something I don't understand

 

Your words are kind and you treat me so lovely

But there's something about distance that makes us look ugly

Intentions become blurred and motives go unseen

It leaves the impression you were using me

 

What should I believe?

You said you don't want to hurt me

But now, all you've done is hurt me

 

The way you went about it was so unkind

It plays over and over inside my broken mind

I wanted someone honest and now I'm full of doubt

The way I used to feel made me want to be devout

 

Discrepancies are loud and I'm going insane

Cuz I wasted so much time keeping you in my brain

 

Could have let me down gently

Instead you tried to forget me

And that's what's ******* vexing

You chose to disrespect me

 

I gave you everything I could and I made some hard choices

Now all I wanna do is give in to the voices

 

They're shouting at me violently against the roar of the waters

They scream at me deafeningly as the ship starts to totter

Threatening me, taunting me just before the slaughter

Tellin' me unsettlingly my reckoning renounces any need for honor

They blatantly question me so flagrantly- impatiently

Tellin' me, objectively, "you should have gone and fought for her"

 

Thunder clap

I'm gonna snap

The waves they crash

Panic attack

 

Lightning brightens the skies overhead

Clouds so thick and as black as dread

A parasitic weight begins to form in my chest

Tendrils of trauma from yesteryear's dramas wrap around my neck

Wriggling and writhing wildly so violently - closing my throat

My vision's turning red as I whimper and choke

 

Never cared about money, I'm happy being broke

Never at all has capital filled my skies with rays of hope

 

Love from my family, my sisters, my brothers

Love to give others and the warmth of a lover

The respect of my grandfather - acceptance from my mother

If I have these things, I can be happy in the gutter

 

Feed me dirt, make me lay with the rats

Leave me on the streets, surrounded by gnats

Watch me be happy, keeping a radical smile

My ancestors were centered around treatment more vile

On bleeding feet- forced to walk for thousands of miles

 

So many of them fell; so many of them died

During ᏅᎾᎯ ᏚᎾᏠᏱᎸᎢ

The Trail Where They Cried

But that didn't stop them; they still chose to fight

With a prayer to Creator, their suffering was a seed that bloomed into might

 

So for nautical miles, I'll sail these violent, choppy waves 

No matter the trail, survival's the choice I will decide to make 

For despite any torture or trauma I will ever come to face

Ancestral resistance forever fuels the will of my grace

 

But when the storm rolls in, no longer is the hour for grace

Because everything - everything! has its time and place

Love is love - but it exists in different ways

 

Love can mean healing, and it could mean damaging

Love can be revealing, and it could mean managing

To find a way to hurt someone that remains just and true

Sometimes we hurt the ones we love; that's nothing new

And sometimes, that's just what we have to do

 

I'm a Love Sick Junkie, do you know what that means?

If I ever make an album, that's the title I've dreamed

It's so much more than another edgy rhyme scheme

It is the epitome of who and what I have chosen to be

 

I'm addicted to the rush of falling in love

Though, maintaining that love - I seldom have luck

I struggle keeping feelings; eventually they leave me

That can hurt so so much, and it makes me want to flee

 

I want to go ghost, because losing my hope: I don't treat like a joke 

I don't want to be that way, but right now, it's who I am today

And it makes me want to ghost, so I don't have to struggle to say

 

"I'm so sorry, but I've lost my feelings

What you've done for me has been so healing

And it drives me to madness when my love starts fleeing

We need to end things now, so you can start grieving"

 

"I know it isn't fair, and I know what I've said

My love for you was real, and it isn't dead

I love you now, even if I won't the next day

So while I still love you, these hard things are what I have to say"

 

When we hurt someone we love from a place of love

We are channeling that mercy from the Most High above

 

When your dog is sick, and there's nothing to do

The love we feel makes us choose

The hardest decision there is to choose

And it brings pain, and death, but mercy all the same

 

We all agree suffering unendingly in agony from incurable pain is something to avoid. So listen to my noise:

 

 

Love can mean hurting someone, so we don't prolong their pain

 

 

Now, remind me, what was it you chose to do again?

 

You went quiet. You went ghost.

You don't want to hurt me?

What you chose to do hurts people the most.

 

Do you understand you insult me?

Do you think me naive?

Do you think me weak?

You're not so stupid to truly believe

The choice you made wouldn't torture me

 

Abandonment is a choice we all choose to make

At the end of the day, ya know what it has to say?

 

It says letting me down would have hurt you more

I know how it feels; I've been there before

It really ******* hurts, that much is true

So we dance around our words, hiding egos from view

 

I care enough for others to eviscerate my ego

I would rather not choose to feel like a hero

If all I'm saving is myself; that can lead to evil

 

You chose to save yourself, but I don't think you to be evil

I think you didn't care as much as you said,

When you had me in your home, in your arms, in your bed

You treated me so kind, but that made it worse

You gave so much to me; it made me expect more

 

You lifted up my feelings, like Moon lifts the tide

And when the clouds rolled in, your love I couldn't find

And if you were honest, I could have been prepared

All you had to do was simply clear the air

 

But you left me with no shield, no presence of a weapon to use in your stead

Mercy you lacked, and without warning you fled

Why, then, for weeks and weeks did you call me "dear" and "honey" instead

Of clearing the air and gifting me the peace of mind

That is telling me "what we had before had long since died"?

 

I treated you so kind

You needn't be mine

Without you, I'd have been fine

Without you, I am fine

 

But ghosting me crossed a line

We could have ended things respectfully

And your memory would remain to be

Held in a good place in my mind

 

I wish that was what happened

Disappointment: it does sadden

But my brush is this prose and misery: my paint

And as long as tears flow, I have art to make 

Paper is my canvas, my painting: these stanzas 

I don't care if it's cringy, so long as it's candid

 

And so I funnel my sadness and burdens and all of these traumas

Into stanzas so long they drown out the drama

And give way to the beauty laying within all Creations

When we Create with our hearts, we rejoin with Creator

 

I only stand to gain in every way I am harmed

I ask for no shield - I shall remain unarmed

Around my heart I refuse to wear armor

That would weigh down my ship on its way to the harbor

 

No matter how little you cared, how much I love you

You could never deliver the trauma others have put me through

I would love to have been hurt: I learn best with a knife pressed against my throat

And learning, I've learned, is the best way to grow

 

What you've done is try to stifle my growth

What you've done is treat me like nothing but a joke

What you've done when you chose to go ghost

Was hurt me in a way that left me most without hope

 

Fifteen pages in, have I said all there is to say?

Was that the flash of lightning, or the clouds giving way?

The waves are growing calmer, thanks to my candor

No matter the storm, I always prove this ship will endure

 

If you chose to be brave, said what you had to say

You'd still be part of the crew, even if you needed time away

The poem would be shorter, and my haters would have less to say

I'd have written this months ago, and today I'd be okay

 

I'd have felt all my hurts, and I'd have moved on already

I'd be ready to look for those who care to continue to keep this ship steady

 

But I'm distracted now, by you!

Instead of acknowledging the beautiful view

Of the people who do want to feel more from me

I want to feel for them - not for you - I'm not some Love Struck Puppy

 

I don't place permanence in anything

Anyone is welcome at any time to leave

And they can come back, rejoin my crew anew

I protect their image in my mind; people who are true are so far and few

 

You couldn't be true. You wasted my time

That's not true - there are still lessons to find

To learn from you, without your voice

I'm more than okay with making that choice

 

Because it fuels my art at the very least

If I really wanted vengeance, your name would go here

It would make a good rhyme, but that's a bit petty, and I won't hate the divine

 

And you are, still, so divine in my mind

The good you've done for me was nothing but kind

How you ended things just confuses my mind

You could have been honest, instead of wasting my time.

 

Eighteen pages in. But don't be mistaken

Truth is, the length isn't because I'm so shaken

After all, you know I've gone through divorce

I spent eight years being dragged through much worse!

You could never hurt me as much as that terf

And so, I choose to write and write and write

Long, long after the storm dispersed in the night

 

You deserve more words than her. That much I can say.

But you ended things badly. Stringing hearts along isn't okay.

When I break up with people, the choice I choose to make

Is to brace through these torrential waters, because someone else is at stake

 

Regardless of the good, you still dropped the ball

Doing this to someone else could really make them fall

 

I hope you are careful, and you choose to be brave

In the future, with the choices that you make

Raising people high means nothing if you drop them

Love becomes betrayal; that's never the only option

 

You protect you, and I'll protect me

Nothing can kill this Love Sick Junkie

As rabid as a fiend chasing a high

I live for the moments I have to say goodbye

 

It closes the loop that once began with "hi"

And it starts the cycle of love anew, so when my tears have run dry

I write a crappy poem, then I chase my next high

 

If anyone reads anything at all in this mess I chose to write

I hope it is this, in the message I leave behind:

 

 

It's okay to say Goodbye.

 

 

And even if it's painful, you don't need to fight

Hurting them sooner than later is what's right

It gives them more time to grieve and be alright

It shows them respect; it helps them move on

It leaves them with less damage while they sail until dawn

 

And they will continue to sail, come hell or high water

We are all someone's son, someone's them, someone's daughter

And our minds are all ships, trapped in their bottles

 

Fate is the current that which pulls the boat

Emotions are the ocean on which we float

The waves can be calm; the waters can be violent

When we board another's ship, we can't make choices in silence

 

Endorphins are treasures we seek to plunder

And our choices are loud like the crack of thunder

The lightning of which reveals our true nature

S'why it's so unhealthy to have a crew full of haters

 

When clouds of adrenaline start to blot clarity of light

We must rely on our crew as the storm passes by

Our crew are the people who leave their shadow in our minds

The impression they leave can be cruel, or the impression they leave can be kind

 

They form a community of voices, of which our mind, our ship, relies on

To get us through these stormy seas, to keep us sailing towards the horizon

 

The way we treat others will always leave an influence

And if your feelings change, then disembark at the confluence

Announce your departure, so the captain will understand

 

When again the seas get rough

When the next storm rolls in

They'll know their crew to be down a they, her, or him

And they can be prepared to brace a bit harder, when the next storm rolls in

 

Spoiler