KeiaTypeBeat

I want to be consumed by the violence Bloody my knuckles to drown out the silence The waters of my mind are getting non-compliant The ocean is murky and the waves are so violent The storm is rolling in Cumulonimbus as black as sin And I'm thinking about giving in There's just something I don't understand Your words are kind and you treat me so lovely But there's something about distance that makes us look ugly Intentions become blurred and motives go unseen It leaves the impression you were using me What should I believe? You said you don't want to hurt me But now, all you've done is hurt me The way you went about it was so unkind It plays over and over inside my broken mind I wanted someone honest and now I'm full of doubt The way I used to feel made me want to be devout Discrepancies are loud and I'm going insane Cuz I wasted so much time keeping you in my brain Could have let me down gently Instead you tried to forget me And that's what's ******* vexing You chose to disrespect me I gave you everything I could and I made some hard choices Now all I wanna do is give in to the voices They're shouting at me violently against the roar of the waters They scream at me deafeningly as the ship starts to totter Threatening me, taunting me just before the slaughter Tellin' me unsettlingly my reckoning renounces any need for honor They blatantly question me so flagrantly- impatiently Tellin' me, objectively, "you should have gone and fought for her" Thunder clap I'm gonna snap The waves they crash Panic attack Lightning brightens the skies overhead Clouds so thick and as black as dread A parasitic weight begins to form in my chest Tendrils of trauma from yesteryear's dramas wrap around my neck Wriggling and writhing wildly so violently - closing my throat My vision's turning red as I whimper and choke Never cared about money, I'm happy being broke Never at all has capital filled my skies with rays of hope Love from my family, my sisters, my brothers Love to give others and the warmth of a lover The respect of my grandfather - acceptance from my mother If I have these things, I can be happy in the gutter Feed me dirt, make me lay with the rats Leave me on the streets, surrounded by gnats Watch me be happy, keeping a radical smile My ancestors were centered around treatment more vile On bleeding feet- forced to walk for thousands of miles So many of them fell; so many of them died During ᏅᎾᎯ ᏚᎾᏠᏱᎸᎢ The Trail Where They Cried But that didn't stop them; they still chose to fight With a prayer to Creator, their suffering was a seed that bloomed into might So for nautical miles, I'll sail these violent, choppy waves No matter the trail, survival's the choice I will decide to make For despite any torture or trauma I will ever come to face Ancestral resistance forever fuels the will of my grace But when the storm rolls in, no longer is the hour for grace Because everything - everything! has its time and place Love is love - but it exists in different ways Love can mean healing, and it could mean damaging Love can be revealing, and it could mean managing To find a way to hurt someone that remains just and true Sometimes we hurt the ones we love; that's nothing new And sometimes, that's just what we have to do I'm a Love Sick Junkie, do you know what that means? If I ever make an album, that's the title I've dreamed It's so much more than another edgy rhyme scheme It is the epitome of who and what I have chosen to be I'm addicted to the rush of falling in love Though, maintaining that love - I seldom have luck I struggle keeping feelings; eventually they leave me That can hurt so so much, and it makes me want to flee I want to go ghost, because losing my hope: I don't treat like a joke I don't want to be that way, but right now, it's who I am today And it makes me want to ghost, so I don't have to struggle to say "I'm so sorry, but I've lost my feelings What you've done for me has been so healing And it drives me to madness when my love starts fleeing We need to end things now, so you can start grieving" "I know it isn't fair, and I know what I've said My love for you was real, and it isn't dead I love you now, even if I won't the next day So while I still love you, these hard things are what I have to say" When we hurt someone we love from a place of love We are channeling that mercy from the Most High above When your dog is sick, and there's nothing to do The love we feel makes us choose The hardest decision there is to choose And it brings pain, and death, but mercy all the same We all agree suffering unendingly in agony from incurable pain is something to avoid. So listen to my noise: Love can mean hurting someone, so we don't prolong their pain Now, remind me, what was it you chose to do again? You went quiet. You went ghost. You don't want to hurt me? What you chose to do hurts people the most. Do you understand you insult me? Do you think me naive? Do you think me weak? You're not so stupid to truly believe The choice you made wouldn't torture me Abandonment is a choice we all choose to make At the end of the day, ya know what it has to say? It says letting me down would have hurt you more I know how it feels; I've been there before It really ******* hurts, that much is true So we dance around our words, hiding egos from view I care enough for others to eviscerate my ego I would rather not choose to feel like a hero If all I'm saving is myself; that can lead to evil You chose to save yourself, but I don't think you to be evil I think you didn't care as much as you said, When you had me in your home, in your arms, in your bed You treated me so kind, but that made it worse You gave so much to me; it made me expect more You lifted up my feelings, like Moon lifts the tide And when the clouds rolled in, your love I couldn't find And if you were honest, I could have been prepared All you had to do was simply clear the air But you left me with no shield, no presence of a weapon to use in your stead Mercy you lacked, and without warning you fled Why, then, for weeks and weeks did you call me "dear" and "honey" instead Of clearing the air and gifting me the peace of mind That is telling me "what we had before had long since died"? I treated you so kind You needn't be mine Without you, I'd have been fine Without you, I am fine But ghosting me crossed a line We could have ended things respectfully And your memory would remain to be Held in a good place in my mind I wish that was what happened Disappointment: it does sadden But my brush is this prose and misery: my paint And as long as tears flow, I have art to make Paper is my canvas, my painting: these stanzas I don't care if it's cringy, so long as it's candid And so I funnel my sadness and burdens and all of these traumas Into stanzas so long they drown out the drama And give way to the beauty laying within all Creations When we Create with our hearts, we rejoin with Creator I only stand to gain in every way I am harmed I ask for no shield - I shall remain unarmed Around my heart I refuse to wear armor That would weigh down my ship on its way to the harbor No matter how little you cared, how much I love you You could never deliver the trauma others have put me through I would love to have been hurt: I learn best with a knife pressed against my throat And learning, I've learned, is the best way to grow What you've done is try to stifle my growth What you've done is treat me like nothing but a joke What you've done when you chose to go ghost Was hurt me in a way that left me most without hope Fifteen pages in, have I said all there is to say? Was that the flash of lightning, or the clouds giving way? The waves are growing calmer, thanks to my candor No matter the storm, I always prove this ship will endure If you chose to be brave, said what you had to say You'd still be part of the crew, even if you needed time away The poem would be shorter, and my haters would have less to say I'd have written this months ago, and today I'd be okay I'd have felt all my hurts, and I'd have moved on already I'd be ready to look for those who care to continue to keep this ship steady But I'm distracted now, by you! Instead of acknowledging the beautiful view Of the people who do want to feel more from me I want to feel for them - not for you - I'm not some Love Struck Puppy I don't place permanence in anything Anyone is welcome at any time to leave And they can come back, rejoin my crew anew I protect their image in my mind; people who are true are so far and few You couldn't be true. You wasted my time That's not true - there are still lessons to find To learn from you, without your voice I'm more than okay with making that choice Because it fuels my art at the very least If I really wanted vengeance, your name would go here It would make a good rhyme, but that's a bit petty, and I won't hate the divine And you are, still, so divine in my mind The good you've done for me was nothing but kind How you ended things just confuses my mind You could have been honest, instead of wasting my time. Eighteen pages in. But don't be mistaken Truth is, the length isn't because I'm so shaken After all, you know I've gone through divorce I spent eight years being dragged through much worse! You could never hurt me as much as that terf And so, I choose to write and write and write Long, long after the storm dispersed in the night You deserve more words than her. That much I can say. But you ended things badly. Stringing hearts along isn't okay. When I break up with people, the choice I choose to make Is to brace through these torrential waters, because someone else is at stake Regardless of the good, you still dropped the ball Doing this to someone else could really make them fall I hope you are careful, and you choose to be brave In the future, with the choices that you make Raising people high means nothing if you drop them Love becomes betrayal; that's never the only option You protect you, and I'll protect me Nothing can kill this Love Sick Junkie As rabid as a fiend chasing a high I live for the moments I have to say goodbye It closes the loop that once began with "hi" And it starts the cycle of love anew, so when my tears have run dry I write a crappy poem, then I chase my next high If anyone reads anything at all in this mess I chose to write I hope it is this, in the message I leave behind: It's okay to say Goodbye. And even if it's painful, you don't need to fight Hurting them sooner than later is what's right It gives them more time to grieve and be alright It shows them respect; it helps them move on It leaves them with less damage while they sail until dawn And they will continue to sail, come hell or high water We are all someone's son, someone's them, someone's daughter And our minds are all ships, trapped in their bottles Fate is the current that which pulls the boat Emotions are the ocean on which we float The waves can be calm; the waters can be violent When we board another's ship, we can't make choices in silence Endorphins are treasures we seek to plunder And our choices are loud like the crack of thunder The lightning of which reveals our true nature S'why it's so unhealthy to have a crew full of haters When clouds of adrenaline start to blot clarity of light We must rely on our crew as the storm passes by Our crew are the people who leave their shadow in our minds The impression they leave can be cruel, or the impression they leave can be kind They form a community of voices, of which our mind, our ship, relies on To get us through these stormy seas, to keep us sailing towards the horizon The way we treat others will always leave an influence And if your feelings change, then disembark at the confluence Announce your departure, so the captain will understand When again the seas get rough When the next storm rolls in They'll know their crew to be down a they, her, or him And they can be prepared to brace a bit harder, when the next storm rolls in

I fail to see how the purposeful maiming of the body for direct means of power can be anything but morally questionable at best. Submitting yourself to purposeful suffering to appease a deity, something Osages traditionally did to earn favor from Wah'kon'tah, is an act of submission to reverence - an acknowledgement that you can give something meaningful away to something greater than you to acknowledge its higher place and earn its favor. Harming yourself to directly achieve power, sacrificing yourself to yourself so to speak, is individualistic, self centered, and self-referential. The negative connotation I ascribe to blood magic stems from its individualistic nature and its lack of appeal to a higher power. I also think it risks teetering on the edge of idolizing self-harm and glorifying it. But that is my PTSD talking, and it isn't a view I expect others to have, nor do I find it as a valid enough criticism to warrant it not existing in some way on lotc. Despite my personal feelings about it - blood magic is a common trope in fantasy settings and I have no interest in meddling with that or changing its image. But it would still nonetheless be a hard ******* sell to convince me it could be in any way morally aligned. And I'm the queen of looking at a dark magic and finding reasons for it to be morally justifiable in my characters' eyes.

do i know you or do you know me -genuine ask the user is familiar

A lavender clad elfess read the missive. Shrinking on herself, she winced as the visceral memories of the event flashed into her mind. Scowling harshly, she straightened herself, spat on the floor, then turned and marched away... only when she had departed several paces from the crowd surrounding the bulletin did she allow herself to shrink again, her pace becoming slow. She began sulking, her head hanging low as she returned to her home in the Jewel of the East, Caras Siol.

"**** you." The cantankerous elfess spat

"One thousand and six hundred fifty minas, if I am promised the head of any who are artificially inflating the bidding prices with no intention to follow through with their bid." Neia said with a squint

"One thousand and five hundred minas."

"One thousand three hundred minas."

"One thousand one hundred."

"A thousand minas."

"Eight hundred and fifty mina" Neia bid.

Wow! Thank you for being so helpful, Turbo_Dog from mc.lotc.co! Now, about those russian mice.

[!]An elf in black pinned the following missive below Maeth's petition: Neia Ąžuolas Ibar'ame de Whitewood resoundingly supports and endorses Maeth Galdissiel's campaign for el'Illeriran. [!]A drawing of a bat is included at the bottom of the missive.