MORAL CHARACTER - A Farce in Three Acts

[Urahra 5359]

MORAL CHARACTER

A Farce in Three Acts

Published 1804 IST. SA Year 8.

 

Penned by Bianca La Fleur.

 

Commissioned by Aimee de Frand.

 

This play is a work of fiction for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.  The opinions expressed by the characters are not necessarily the opinions of the author, nor of the commissioner.

 

 

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CAST

 

Aloysius “Louie” Brook - An up-and-coming young burgher who runs a successful business in the city of Providence. He considers himself a pillar of the community. He's wildly in love with Beatrice, a beautiful shopgirl, and would do anything to marry her.

 

Beatrice - A shopgirl who worked in a store owned by Aloysius. They fell in love and are preparing to marry, but Beatrice has a secret that might prevent their successful union.

 

Father Monaghan - A priest of the Canon. He also serves as the Headmaster of a Canonist boarding school for troubled young women. It seems he has a history with Beatrice.

 

Lt. Keating - An officer of the ISA, sworn to uphold the law in Providence.

 

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ACT ONE

 

Spoiler

 

CURTAIN RISES on a well-appointed drawing room in the Imperial city of PROVIDENCE. Modern in its style and dressings.

 

BEATRICE rests upon the settee, amusing herself with some embroidery. She hums a light melody.

 

ENTER ALOYSIUS BROOK, closing the door behind him.

 

ALOYSIUS

Oh, Beatrice! My singing skylark. What a pleasure it shall be to have you perched there every morning, filling my house with your melody!

 

BEATRICE

Not long now, darling. Have you fetched the priest?

 

ALOYSIUS

I have - and he'll be here forthwith. I hurried ahead so that I might dress properly. A man must look his best for his nuptials.

 

BEATRICE

You needn’t put yourself out, Aloysius, my dear. It’s a private ceremony after all - just you and me!

 

ALOYSIUS

And I must endeavor to appear a fine feathered peacock for you, my skylark. Or else I fear you shall lose all interest in me!

 

BEATRICE

Why, Louie, what a perfectly awful thing to say! In fact, I worry the opposite is true… You, a wealthy business-owner. As for me, why… I’m but a shopgirl.

 

ALOYSIUS

Shopgirl! Shopgirl! How dare you speak about my fiancée in such a manner, madam! I do believe I must challenge you to a duel.

(he takes off a glove and waves it at Beatrice)

Have at you!

 

They LAUGH. Aloysius replaces his glove.

 

BEATRICE

I am quite serious though, Louie… Won’t people talk? And assume the most dreadful things?

 

ALOYSIUS

I don’t concern myself with the blabbering of small-minded folk. Today, Beatrice, you are indeed a shopgirl come from nothing. Tomorrow, you will be Mrs. Aloysius Brook, the wife of an esteemed business owner.

 

BEATRICE

I do hope you’re right, Louie. But I’d hate for anyone to think me some sort of tramp or fortune-hunter.

 

ALOYSIUS

That’s precisely why I chose this particular priest to marry us.

 

BEATRICE

Oh?

 

ALOYSIUS

He’s a man of unassailable moral rectitude. If he endorses our match, then I daresay none shall have any right to disagree.

 

BEATRICE

I don’t believe I’ve met your family priest, Louie. What is his name?

 

ALOYSIUS

Father Monaghan.

 

Beatrice FREEZES.

 

BEATRICE

Come again? Monaghan? He wouldn’t happen to be a stout Harrenite sort, would he? Grey hair with a moustache and little round glasses?

 

ALOYSIUS

Why, the very same!

 

A KNOCK at the door.

 

ALOYSIUS

That’ll be the Father now.

 

Beatrice STANDS abruptly.

 

BEATRICE

Aloysius, wait!

 

Aloysius opens the door. ENTER FATHER MONAGHAN.

 

ALOYSIUS

Come in, Father! Come in!

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

Thank you, my child. And where, may I ask, is the lovely bride?

 

ALOYSIUS

(indicating)

Right there, Father, on the settee.

 

Father Monaghan NOTICES Beatrice, who tries to avoid his eye. She glances askance.

 

A heavy silence falls over the room.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

It can’t be…

 

ALOYSIUS

Beg pardon, Father?

 

Father Monaghan STORMS across the room toward Beatrice.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

You little rat! I’m sure you thought you got away with it, but GOD’s revealed your crimes at last!

 

BEATRICE

Excuse me?!

 

ALOYSIUS

Father, are you quite well?

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

I have never forgotten a face in my thirty years of service to the Church! This woman is a wretched thief!

 

BEATRICE

I am certain you have me confused for someone else!

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

A liar too!

 

ALOYSIUS

Please, Father, this is my fiancée! The love of my life and the woman I intend to marry!

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

Oho, not today! I should rather descend into the Void and battle the Denier himself than bind an honorable man in marriage to a criminal!

 

Father Monaghan TURNS and makes for the door. Aloysius swiftly BLOCKS his path.

 

ALOYSIUS

Where are you going?

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

You, sir, are harboring a fugitive and I intend to report this to the authorities at once.

 

Beatrice GRABS a candelabra from a nearby end table.

 

ALOYSIUS

Please, Father, it’s my wedding day. You mustn’t!

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

I can and I will - or else let me be forever damned as a man of weak moral character!

 

While they’re talking, Beatrice SNEAKS up behind the priest…

 

WHAM!

 

With a swing of the candlestick, she clobbers him over the head and knocks him into unconsciousness.

 

ALOYSIUS

Good GOD!

 

Beatrice looks down at the fallen priest, then at her fiancé.

 

BEATRICE

Louie, darling… I might have a teeny, tiny bit of explaining to do.

 

CURTAIN FALLS.

 

END ACT ONE.

 

 

 

---

 

ACT TWO

 

Spoiler

 

Aloysius and Beatrice arrange the unconscious priest in the armchair before tying his hands and feet.

 

BEATRICE

We mustn’t allow him to cry for help.

 

She takes a handkerchief from her sleeve and fastens it around Father Monaghan’s mouth, gagging him.

 

Aloysius stares at her, then at Father Monaghan.

 

ALOYSIUS

You two are familiar, then, I take it?

 

BEATRICE

I wish we weren’t!

 

ALOYSIUS

I do believe it requires a certain level of familiarity for a woman to bind a man’s hands and shove a gag in his mouth.

 

Beatrice TURNS AWAY, covering her face with her hands.

 

BEATRICE

Oh, Louie, I’m afraid you’ll despise me once you know the truth!

 

Aloysius wraps his arms around her.

 

ALOYSIUS

Nonsense! Nothing could dissuade my heart from loving you, not even…

 

He looks over at the bound priest.

 

ALOYSIUS

Well, if I can watch you batter a priest and still earnestly profess my love, I daresay we are quite secure.

 

Beatrice pulls away from him and sits upon the lounge.

 

BEATRICE

He’ll never consent to marry us now. I’m just as he described - a rat and a criminal!

 

ALOYSIUS

My Beatrice? The picture of bonhomie? The very dove of Providence? I won’t believe it.

 

He sneaks another aside glance toward Father Monaghan but does not comment.

 

Rather, he joins Beatrice on the sofa and takes her hands in his.

 

BEATRICE

Oh, Louie! I hoped I might never reopen that dark chapter of my life! I know this all seems abominable on its face. But it all goes back to my uncommonly terrible childhood!

 

ALOYSIUS

Perfectly understandable, my love. Why, all beautiful girls should arise from uncommonly terrible circumstances. It but adds do their loveliness. I challenge you to find any beauty in Providence who attests to a happy, simple childhood. An overdose of happiness renders women quite dull and plain.

 

BEATRICE

It all started when my mother passed away… I was just a little slip of a girl. Papa could not spare the time to raise me properly, what with his military career. So, he sought a new wife.

 

ALOYSIUS

I anticipate she was quite young and fair of features, but vile and black of heart?

 

BEATRICE

Naturally! As one might expect, she treated me with detestable cruelty. Likely because I resembled my late mother - a fact my father often commented on.

 

ALOYSIUS

Very foolish of him. All second wives spend the entirety of their marriage despising anything that reminds them, however briefly, of the first.

 

BEATRICE

We quarreled and quarreled until Papa could stand it no longer. Rather than dispose of his new wife, however, he shipped me off to a boarding school for troubled girls.

 

ALOYSIUS

And I imagine the abrupt removal but compounded your troubles! But where does Father Monaghan fit in?

 

BEATRICE

Why, Louie, he was the Headmaster!

 

ALOYSIUS

Ah, but of course. Old men come in two varieties. Either kindly or tyrannical - and often both.

 

BEATRICE

Father Monaghan was entirely the second. He enforced only the most draconian of rules, in hopes of reforming his students into upstanding young women… But his brutality had quite the opposite effect.

 

ALOYSIUS

Good business sense if you ask me. If he reformed you too much, his school would be forced to close for lack of students. Better to keep you locked up and wretched than improve your condition.

 

BEATRICE

Eventually, I could bear it no longer. One night, I broke into the school chapel and made off with the silver candlesticks. I fenced them, changed my name, and, with the money, I bought passage to Providence. 

 

ALOYSIUS

(realizing)

Where you took a job in my shop!

 

Father Monaghan GROANS.

 

BEATRICE

Shh! He’s awake!

 

Father Monaghan STIRS and OPENS his eyes. They go wide at the sight of the couple and he begins STRUGGLING against his restraints! Shaking the armchair and thumping his feet, letting out muffled shouts!

 

Beatrice rises from the sofa and hurries to steady the armchair.

 

BEATRICE

Be quiet! Be quiet, I beg of you! Please, Father, I ask only that you hear me out. On my honor, I swear I’ve changed!

 

ALOYSIUS

In all the months I’ve known her, she’s shown unimpeachable character, Father. ...Disregarding present circumstances.

 

Father Monaghan STOPS struggling… and gives the two a sympathetic look.

 

BEATRICE

If I remove the gag, do you promise not to scream?

 

Father Monaghan NODS. Beatrice unties the handkerchief from his mouth.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

(shouting)

Help! Help!

 

Beatrice LEAPS and COVERS his mouth with her hand!

 

BEATRICE

Shh! Oh, be silent!

(pleading)

What can I do to change your mind?

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

Release me and surrender yourself to judgment!

 

ALOYSIUS

Can we forego the assessment of the courts? After all, they're stocked with just as many sinners as the prisons! She’s well atoned for her crime, Father. I’ve watched her work tirelessly for the customers in my shop.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

Hardly atonement, laboring for her fiancé’s benefit! She may as well have been lining her own pockets!

 

BEATRICE

It was only because of your cruelty and Papa’s that I did what I did!

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

Surely the Denier blames the Almighty for his sin as well!

 

Beatrice covers her face with her hands and retreats to the settee.

 

Aloysius approaches the armchair.

 

ALOYSIUS

What’s the harm in overlooking the past, Father?

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

How very like a merchant to ask, “What’s the harm!”

 

ALOYSIUS

Oh, go on.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

“What’s the harm?” asks the merchant as he mixes sawdust into bags of flour. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” he says as he slaughters stray cats and sells their meat as beef. “They won’t even notice,” he declares as he auctions off a property rife with mold.

 

ALOYSIUS

(scoffs)

Don’t air all my business secrets to the public now, Father.

 

He takes a CIGAR out of his cigar case and strikes a light.

 

ALOYSIUS

The way I see it… every girl in Providence is in possession of some nasty vice or other - whether she’s murdered or been unfaithful or cheated at cards. Half the fun of courting is finding it out, at which point it should be instantly and unequivocally forgiven in the name of love. Have you never been in love, Father? It seems you are entirely unaware of how these affairs go.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

The very picture of Horen and Julia, you two.

 

BEATRICE

(in tears)

It’s no use, Louie. I have no option but to turn myself in.

 

Aloysius puts the CIGAR in Father Monaghan’s mouth.

 

ALOYSIUS

Chew on that a moment, will you?

 

He turns away from the priest and joins Beatrice on the sofa.

 

ALOYSIUS

Now, now, my sweet skylark - you mustn’t talk like that. Shh, shh.

 

He COMFORTS her as she weeps.

 

Meanwhile, Father Monaghan manages to maneuver the cigar into his hand. He uses it to burn through the ropes tying his hands. At last, he’s free!

 

Unbeknownst to the couple, he wriggles out of his restraints and quietly makes his way toward the door.

 

ALOYSIUS

Say, do you smell something burning?

 

BEATRICE

A premonition of how they’ll burn me at the stake for my crimes!

 

ALOYSIUS

No, something is really burning!

 

He looks up to see the empty armchair… with his abandoned cigar burning a hole in the cushion.

 

ALOYSIUS

Gone! In a puff of smoke!

 

He springs to his feet and quickly snuffs out the cigar.

 

BEATRICE

How is that possible? We were right here the whole time!

 

ALOYSIUS

I’ll be damned. Miracles really do exist.

 

CURTAIN FALLS.

 

END ACT 2.

 

 

 

 

 

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ACT THREE

 

Spoiler

 

Beatrice weeps upon the lounge while Aloysius searches the room for any sign of the Father.

 

ALOYSIUS

Damn if the old bat's not completely flown the coop!

 

BEATRICE

This is no time to be mixing our metaphors! What will we do?

 

ALOYSIUS

Well, we’ve one of two options. Either the spirit of the Almighty descended from on high and whisked Father Monaghan away in a wisp of smoke. Or he escaped via the common method and he’s going to get the authorities.

 

BEATRICE

Either way, we’re ruined!

 

ALOYSIUS

Frankly, I would take eternal damnation over a night in the Bastion.

 

Beatrice STANDS up.

 

BEATRICE

I’m resolved. I’ll turn myself in and face judgment for my crimes.

 

ALOYSIUS

Let’s not be hasty, skylark. You’re much too quick to flutter those pretty wings of yours. I’m certain that fate will deliver us if we merely wait. When was the last time the wealthy were made sincerely to pay for their crimes?

 

A KNOCK on the door.

 

LT. KEATING

(off-stage)

ISA! Open up!

 

BEATRICE

Oh, it’s as though Death himself were knocking!

 

ALOYSIUS

Be patient, my dove.

 

Aloysius opens the door.

 

ENTER LT. KEATING and FATHER MONAGHAN.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

That’s her, officer! The little trollop who stole the silver and assaulted me!

 

LT. KEATING

Ma’am, I’m afraid you are under arrest. Present your hands.

 

Beatrice extends her hands, waiting to be cuffed. Lt. Keating moves to cuff her.

 

ALOYSIUS

Now, Officer, can’t we reach some sort of mutual understanding? I’m a businessman here in Providence. I can’t afford to be associated with a criminal - at least not publicly.

 

LT. KEATING

Nothing will prevent me from upholding the law, sir. If the woman’s a thief, she deserves her time.

 

Lt. Keating locks the cuffs… then catches sight of Beatrice’s face.

 

LT. KEATING

It can’t be…

 

BEATRICE

Papa?!

 

LT. KEATING

It is you! Rosemary, my little girl!

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

Rosemary?

 

ALOYSIUS

Oh, not this again. Does my fiancée have secret ties to every man in Providence?

 

BEATRICE

Papa!

 

She and Lt. Keating embrace.

 

ALOYSIUS

Beatrice -- er -- Rosemary, is this really your father?

 

BEATRICE

Of course - don't you see the resemblance?

 

LT. KEATING

(to Beatrice)

I almost didn't recognize you myself, Rosie. But now that I look at you, it's clear as day. You're the picture of your mother. Oh, Rosemary, can you ever forgive me for sending you away? I divorced that awful woman who treated you so badly.

 

BEATRICE

Oh, Papa, you needn’t even ask.

 

Lt. Keating RELEASES his daughter from the handcuffs.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

Hold on! Daughter or no, this woman’s committed a crime!

 

LT. KEATING

You can’t expect me to arrest my own long-lost daughter, can you?

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

You mean to imply that the circumstances of one’s birth can supersede the fact that they committed a crime?

 

A BEAT as the four individuals regard each other.

 

ALOYSIUS

Bit gauche to state it so plainly, don't you think? Have a little more art, Father.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

(resigned)

You’re right. What am I thinking?

 

BEATRICE

Papa, you’re just in time to witness my wedding!

 

LT. KEATING

Well, this couldn’t be more perfect!

 

Beatrice, Aloysius, and Lt. Keating look at Father Monaghan expectantly.

 

SIGHING, Father Monaghan retrieves his holy book.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

Seems I have no choice. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of GOD - or, more likely, the Devil - to join together man and woman in the holy union of Matrimony. Mr. Aloysius Brook, will you take this woman to be your wedded wife?

 

ALOYSIUS

I will.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

Beatrice… Rosemary… whoever you are… will you have this man to be your wedded husband?

 

BEATRICE

I will.

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

You two sincerely deserve each other. I pronounce that you are now man and wife together, in the name of our Almighty GOD. Amen.

 

BEATRICE / ALOYSIUS

(together)

Amen!

 

They KISS.

 

Lt. Keating slaps Father Monaghan on the back heartily.

 

LT. KEATING

All's well that ends well, isn't it, Father?

 

FATHER MONAGHAN

I suppose we'll just chalk it up to Providence...

 

CURTAIN FALLS.

 

END ACT THREE.