Log I: Commitment

[clonky 1976]

LOG I: COMMITMENT

Journal Entry 1 

 

A problem with understanding a concept is whether the effort your teacher gives is sufficient. I wonder if my choice was the right one, if it was worth being utterly degraded. Perhaps the other 'kin' have not felt this way as I have - feeling of an outcast and finding it hard to navigate in a sea of who is superior and who deserves more respect than other. It seems they don't understand, it seems I'm in the wrong. My concepts, my morals, are all inferior to what I have to learn, what I have to adapt to. This life is not the life I was hoping for. 

I am Maude Eleanor Fitzpeter-Vilac. 

 

In theory, taking my husband's last name with my own was a good idea. We are wed, so combining our two houses to forever fulfil a legacy between the two of us was the idea I had in mind, for the future of myself and the future of my children. Yet, I do not fulfil the desires or goals my husband has for me. Marriage is similar to the painful process I had to endure. Oh how I despise my ignorance, how I despise my idea of a marital union. The respect I thought I had as a spouse has diminished.

 

I am Maude Eleanor Fitzpeter. 

 

I was asked,
"Who are you really?"
This by my new 'kin.' How interesting their way of life is. I am Maude Eleanor Fitzpeter, my experiences change me and they manifest who Maude is. It is not in Maude's nature to be commanded, forced into a labor and asked a question with no answer. This is what I was meant to do. How was I meant to learn anything? With the outlying promises and the strength it took to leave my life behind and jump into the new was not enough. I've no time to adjust in this world, where the circumstances are far from humane, where I grovel with the idea that I perhaps have made the wrong decision. 

 

I have lived without you for more than 10 years, Antonius Vilac. 
I should've continued to live my isolated life in Providence with my children, though they decided to explore the world and I could not bear being away from them. 
I could not bear to be away from Antonius. 
That was perhaps my first mistake, or perhaps another adventure, another commitment. 
I don't know if I was willing to make the commitment he asked of me, yet I am here now. I've found myself to be stubborn, disobedient, though only because I am not meant to be a dog that does tricks when asked. I am a pupil, I am no lesser. 
Hopefully Antonius will learn this. Perhaps I have something to learn from him too. 
For now, I am committed. 

 

Spoiler

Do not metagame this information. This is a journal entry from one of my characters, which is private and unseen to the public. Thanks!