[Denied]Zenophon's Application

[Zenophon 0]

[ski_king3 0]

Under Review

 

 

Before you get too bummed, I would definitely say this is a good first attempt. Just needs some work. The way you presented your app makes it seem like you'll end up fixing your mistakes with relative ease.

 

The first thing I'd want to mention is in your meta-gaming definition, you phrased it a bit oddly. I ignored it, because the second half of the definition was correct, but the first half wasn't entirely relevant. I can elaborate more, if you'd like, but this wouldn't be a reason for denial.

 

Technically the rules are the first character you apply for must be 18 or older. I'd change your character's age to 18, I don't think it will make a significant difference.

 

Alright, now this is one of the two major changes I'd like to see in your app, that being the bio. As far as I know, the Mad King you described never existed. We tend to not really approve of applicants creating major people who would not have otherwise existed for their bio. Also, the bohra are a new thing to Anthos, which we only arrived in about 5-7ish years ago. You would not have heard of them as a child, merely heard rumors of them recently. Of course, I don't expect you to know that, but I'll clarify for you. About 12 years ago IC (just giving estimates), Asulon, our previous land, was destroyed. Then, we went to Elysium and Kalos for about 5 years before travelling to Anthos where we've been staying. I would highly suggest building your bio around that. I'm sure you could accommodate some of the more important points in your bio to make that work.

 

Next, your skin. I'd suggest not using a variation of the Steve skin. I'd suggest requesting a custom skin in the skin subforum.

 

Lastly, your ORQ's. I'd extend them further, especially the first and third, and also add dialogue. Also, your ORQ's should not be saying "if the guards do this, I'll do this, but if they do this, I'll do this." In this case, we expect you to make the decision on what everyone else involved in your ORQ's does, and then simply show us how your character would respond. Make sense?

 

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. You may reapply in 24 hours after the time marked in the post below.

[ski_king3 0]

Moved to Denied Forum