outreach Power and Control vs Equality in (OOC/IRL) Relationships

[KeiaTypeBeat 3277]

Preface

Spoiler

          Presenting this information to a friend of mine yesterday helped them reach a perspective they otherwise struggled accepting: they are being mistreated by someone they deeply care for.

 

          I write this post today so others may have the same opportunity to consider reaching a conclusion most people facing relationship abuse have trouble accepting.

 

          Word salad is limited. The focus is not on my voice, but on the resources and anecdotal information I am presenting.

 

          When my voice has been added, it is for the purpose of offering reassurance and  validation, as well as providing information I believe deserves to be disclaimed. More on that directly below. 

 

Men need to hear, more often than they do, that they can be subject to abuse.

 

Gendered language can pose an obstacle that others may find reason to disregard, either to silence the voice of survivors, or to silence their own concerns. Thus, I've decided a statement is relevant.

 

          I have likewise included a word salad of an ethics statement which plainly describes what I can and cannot do as an advocate for others on LOTC, and why. The short of it is that I cannot ethically enter an advocate-client relationship with anyone outside of a professional office setting. Furthermore, I have my own mental health to prioritize first and foremost.

 

 

Power and Control Wheel

Is This Relatable to You?

If the information presented feels relatable, there is cause for concern. Sit with those feelings and think them through. 

 

My Voice: What Acknowledging Abuse Means

Spoiler

          Acknowledging abuse is present in a relationship does not mean ending the relationship, cutting things off with that person, or refusing to be apart of their lives. 

 

          When you acknowledge abuse is present in a relationship, you are acknowledging you have not been treated with the baseline level of respect and fairness you deserve to be treated with. What actions you take next are entirely yours to make, if any. 

 

          We can only acknowledge what we allow ourselves to acknowledge.

 

          No one has the right to force you to act in any way they think is best for you. 

 

          You know what is best for you. You are a competent and capable person, regardless of what others may have told you.

 

 

Equality Wheel

Is this relatable to you?

If the information above feels relatable, there is reason to believe you are in a safe and healthy relationship.

 

My Voice: You Deserve Equality

Spoiler

          You as a person, by merit of existing, deserve to be treated as an equal.

 

          This is the bare minimum. If you are not being treated equally, you have the right to acknowledge you deserve better, regardless of what anyone says.

 

          If someone is interested in loving you, if they say they care about you, they will have a vested interest to treat you properly. Deviation from this mindset is suspect. 

 

          You are loved and equal. You deserve to feel loved, like an equal.

 

 

My Voice: On Gendered Language

Spoiler

          Gender and Gender Roles have relevance in this discussion. That being said, that relevance is limited. Simply by merit of being a man, you are not more likely to abuse your spouse. Simply by merit of being a woman, you are not less likely to abuse your spouse. Simply by merit of being nonbinary, or non-gendered, you are not less likely to abuse your spouse. 

 

          Socialogical and environmental factors can encourage or discourage behaviors from manifesting in specific population groups.

 

          The presence of those socialogical and environment factors do not have their basis in biology, psychology, or genetics.

 

          It is my professional opinion, as an advocate with 60+ hours of academic training and real world professional training and experience, that we do a disservice that causes tangible harm to survivors when we strictly gender our language about this topic when context does not specifically call for it.

 

          This opinion is shared and acknowledged by a growing number of professionals across the United States. Policy and procedures are actively being updated across agencies that better acknowledge, address, and cater towards men as they relate to surviving abuse, rather than committing it.

 

          You are not wrong if you are a man, nonbinary, or are a non-gendered person who feels frustrated or unseen by the heavily gendered nature of this subject.

 

          You are seen and heard by millions of advocates throughout the United States. You are not alone. Society has failed you in this way.

 

          Steps must be taken in professional and academic circles that further expand availability of resources to all survivors, regardless of race, creed, gender, or religion, in a way that productively makes them feel seen.

 

          The language we choose to use when giving voice to Domestic Abuse is the first step we can take.

 

Systemic change must continue to take precedence.

 

 

“I Have Guys Call Me and Say ‘I Can’t Be the Victim of Domestic Abuse’”:

Exploring the Experiences of Telephone Support Providers for Male Victims of Domestic Violence and Abuse

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8980445/

 

 

 

Resources, Survivor Testimony

Do Your Own Research

Spoiler

Video Discussion

Viewer Discretion is Advised

Spoiler

Power and Control

https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/

 

 

 

Equality

 

 

 

Testimonials

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Depth Discussion

https://www.womensv.org/news-1/2024/5/23/the-equality-wheel-healthy-vs-abusive-relationships

 

Note: Gendered Towards Women

 

 

 

Professional Discussion

Spoiler

Power and Control

Power and Control

https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/

 

The Role of Power and Control in Domestic Violence

https://www.respondinc.org/blog/the-role-of-power-and-control-in-domestic-violence/

 

 The Power and Control Wheel: A Domestic Violence Model

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/power-and-control-wheel

 

Understanding the Power and Control Perspective Wheel

https://sunyrockland.edu/about/dei/domestic-violence/understanding-the-power-and-control-perspective-wheel/

 

 

Equality

 

The Equality Wheel: Healthy vs Abusive Relationships

https://www.womensv.org/news-1/2024/5/23/the-equality-wheel-healthy-vs-abusive-relationships

 

The Power of the Equality Wheel

https://www.safealliance.org/blog/breaking-cycle-abuse-power-equality-wheel/

 

The Equality Wheel Explained

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/the-equality-wheel-explained

 

The Equality Wheel

(The Duluth Model)

https://www.socialworkerstoolbox.com/the-equality-wheel-the-duluth-model/

 

Survivor Testimonials

Spoiler

Voices of Men

 

https://mankind.org.uk/survivors-stories/

 

A Gay Male Survivor’s Story

https://breakthesilencedv.org/?p=19507

 

One Man’s Story of Surviving Domestic Abuse

https://menscenter.org/podcast/mans-story-surviving-domestic-abuse/

 

John’s Story

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/stories/johns-story/

 

Listening to the Voices of Male-Identified Survivors

https://vawnet.org/sc/centering-needs-male-identified-survivors-domestic-violence/listening-voices-male-identified

 

 

Voices of Women

 

Jamie's Story

https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/stories/jamies-story

 

Survivor Story: Demi Moore

https://dapdc.org/survivor_stories/survivor-story-demi-moore/

 

I Am Not Ashamed – one survivor’s story

https://www.domesticabusecommissioner.uk/stories/i-am-not-ashamed-one-survivors-story/

 

To Hell and Back: A Survivor's Story

https://www.seattle.gov/cityattorney/crime-victim-assistance/domestic-violence-help/to-hell-and-back-a-survivors-story

 

 

Voices of Nonbinary Persons

 

Survivor Stories:

Learning From LGBQ/T Communities in MA [PDF]

https://www.tnlr.org/wp-content/uploads/CNA-w-cover-Final.pdf

 

Trans and Non-Binary Survivors Speak Out In a New Book

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/book-club/trans-and-non-binary-survivors-speak-out-in-a-new-book

 

 

General 

https://safeandequal.org.au/understanding-family-violence/stories/

 

https://azmag.gov/Programs/Domestic-Violence/Awareness-Month/Stories

 

https://www.nomoreverbalabuse.org/stories

 

 

Ethics Statement

"My Limitations"

Spoiler

          This is a preventative  statement to make it clear what I can and cannot do for someone on LOTC, why I cannot act as an advocate for them, and why they should consider resources sspecific to their area. I simply, physically, and ethically cannot provide the same services I could in an office setting, even if I have experience with over-the-air advocacy. It's just not the same when I'm not on the clock.

 

        My heart goes out to every single person facing relationship abuse. I just am not in the position to act as an advocate to anyone on this website.

 

Spoiler

          The nature of an advocate-client relationship is intimate. It inherently requires the disclosure of sensitive, identifiable information.

 

          Without the presence of a Non Disclosure Agreement, it is not possible for myself or a potential client to ethically consent to entering an advocate-client relationship.

 

          Even to my friend, I had to objectively inform them I was not acting in the role of an advocate, and that I would be unable to offer anything but information and empathy.

 

          Disregarding the lack of an NDA, policies and procedures relating to victim advocacy varies by agency, state, and country of origin:

 

          I cannot accurately assist in the way I have been trained without intimate familiarity with a region's policies, procedures, and laws. To do so would risk disclosing incorrect information that could prove damaging to an honest attempt to reach safety.

 

          Disregarding variations of law and policy, and to be objective:

 

          I am a stranger on the internet to you. You have no reason to trust what I have to say, and you should not view me as inherently worthy of trust, regardless of how versed I am in this subject. This is simple internet safety. It should be said.

 

          Everything I have to say can be found in other professional sources. Those sources are more likely to be relevant to your region. I am simply making it easier to get started.

 

          Outreach is what I am qualified to assist with as far as the Internet is concerned. Outreach is best done through the use of public postings, so not any one person is limited to this assistance.

 

          Please do not come to me with the explicit intention of entering an advocate-client relationship. It is inappropriate.

 

          Likewise, please do not trust any one person you have met online to be your only support network.

 

Spoiler

          Your friends are not your therapists. Have respect for their mental health. They should consent to being in your support network prior to a crisis situation. Otherwise, you risk damaging a relationship, degrading your mental health further, and you may even traumatize someone with the level of detail it can be tempting to share.

 

Spoiler

          If I feel like I can help someone, I will write a post about it. I am willing to accept suggestions if people would like to see something specific talked about, and I feel like I can appropriately give voice to the subject. But this is my safe space, too. I use LOTC to relax and find enjoyment and cope with the reality that is life.

 

          I am here to make friends and tell stories and express myself. It makes me happy to share the information I can share if it helps with someone. But I cannot take the weight of everyone's traumas. I have my own to carry.

 

         

No one has made me feel uncomfortable coming to me in the way they have so far.

 

          This is not me addressing an individual by addressing the whole. That's something I do, but this isn't that.

 

          Please do not feel like you have done something wrong if it feels like this statement relates to you.    

 

 

 

If someone on LOTC is making you feel unsafe, please reach out to a relevant Staff Member, or seek help from a trusted friend who can help you reach out to one. 

 

 

𐓏𐒰𐓇𐒼𐒰͘

Do Your Best

[KeiaTypeBeat 3277]

This post acts as a Sister Post to On the Topic of Domestic Abuse

 

 

Please see that post if more in depth, personalized discussion as it pertains to this topic is of interest or relevance to you. 

[Werew0lf 24180]

Ok.

[Wyrvun 1808]

a great series of lotc safety posts

[KeiaTypeBeat 3277]

8 hours ago, Werew0lf said:

Ok.

 

.kO