I Don't Understand Why You Loved That Man

[KeiaTypeBeat 3277]

Today I find myself everyday with good hosts whose voices make me satisfied I'm not dead from the outcomes of my choices

 

Today she lets herself rot away with the ghosts of her choices who keep her petrified in her bed with the echoes of their voices

 

Today I am happy, and she is not.

But we could both be happy, if we just moved on.

 

And it's not like I don't know what it's like to be haunted by the ghosts of my own choices

It's not like I don't know what it feels like to be drowning from all those guilty voices

And it's not like you've never wanted to be dead from any of the choices that I made

Cuz it's not like it wasn't my fault when it was your love which started to fade

 

And it's not like I'm thinking about you cuz I miss you

Even though I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you

But my sister's man just walked out on her and I still can't understand

Why you didn't walk out on me when it was time for you to flee

When I cheated on you and broke your heart in a way you never would have seen

 

Coming, and I'm coming close to being able to say I'll always be happy without you

And if you had walked out then, you would have been the bigger person

And I would have been the man who cheated on you with a woman I never met

 

But you chose to forgive me for all my sins and the trauma that I caused

You looked at me with unheard thoughts and said to me "I still love you, though you're flawed"

 

You gave me reason to double down on loyalty I guess I never fed

You made me want to change and be the better man for you instead

And you wanted me and needed me in all the ways that I could be, you said

 

And you admitted blame and guilt for being the cause of the decision I had made

You worked with me to build with me a new path for us to lay

And when it came for me to be honest about a truth I had to accept one day

 

 

You punched me in the face, and you said "that's not okay"

 

 

And I believed I deserved that

I believed I deserved each attack

Every fight and insult and little spat

And I think I still do believe I deserved all that

Because I once hurt you so bad

It must have meant I deserved to be treated badly

 

And I so desperately believed I deserved to be treated bad

Until I gave you a good reason to stop treating me badly

Until I found a way to stop treating you bad

Until the day my therapist had to say I treated everyone badly because I treat myself bad

 

And I loved you so much, I chose to try and love the person I hate the most

 

 

I hated myself the most

 

 

I've always hated myself the most

There was never a reason to have any hope

To love someone as stupid as me would be a joke

No one cared it was my body I hated the most!

The label attached to my body that I hated the most!

 

And if no one cared then it must not have really mattered

I chose to pick apart every other part of my heart, until it mattered

And when it really mattered,

It just made you madder

 

 

I'm sorry

 

 

I'm sorry I had to take away the person you loved the most 

I'm sorry I had to take away the person who loved you the most

I'm sorry I had to take away the person who gave you hope

I'm sorry that man wasn't who I am and it upended our plans and made our marriage feel like a joke

 

 

I just don't understand

 

 

If the drama from the trauma of my life was the reason why

I lacked the emotional capacity to feel alive enough to treat you right

If you could forgive me for the weakness and the evil I had to commit

And all you wanted was to be loved and adored and never ignored

Why then, was it when I abandoned my sin to live again, that you chose to quit?

Why then did you look at that man so sick and left him crying on the floor?

 

I was so focused and absorbed by how I treated you bad

That I looked away every day when you treated me badly

And when the time came for me to be a man and to do what I can to stop treating you bad

Why then did you act more abhorred and more disgusted than when I hurt you with my sin?

 

You etched it in my mind I was better a cheater, when I lied about who I was inside

You cried harder and more violent than when it was her I chose to be beside

And what I can't quite understand

Is why, then, did you love me for all the times when the real me came out, and I stopped acting like him?

 

 

You said it yourself

Your words work against yourself!

You felt so high upon the shelf

Because I was the most feminine man you ever let stand beside yourself!

 

I was more delicate and hopeful and softer and kinder than any man you had ever met

I cared for your feelings and your comforts and your healing more than any man you had ever met!

I acted out the worst when I shut out the real me and tried to be a real man!

 

 

So why, then

Did I only matter in your plan

Only if I forced myself to be a man?

 

 

I loved you more than anyone ever had before! You said that!

I made you feel more adored than anyone ever had before! You said that!

And I was reckless when I told you and I should have been more gentle, I regret that!

And you signed up for something else that I could never provide, I accept that!

 

But why, then, did your love go away!?

When to make myself treat you okay

Was to stop pretending to be a man

And treat myself honestly, so to you, I could be honest?

 

 

Does honesty mean so little to you?

Does the love I had for you mean nothing when paired with truth?

Would you have still loved me if I chose to do

All the little bad things I used to do

If it meant I remained a liar and tried to act like that man who I never really was

And if I stayed that broken, lying, dying man I tried so hard to be because

All I ever wanted was to be what you wanted me to be

Would you still love that version of me?

 

 

Despite everything?

 

 

Despite my ultimate, unending misery?

Despite the fact it ultimately isn't me?

 

 

I loved you enough to do the scariest thing I could ever do: live my truth

You make me think you'd be rather happier, if it was I who hit you

Instead of doing what I chose to do

Which ultimately, was still for you

 

 

And you know what else is true?

I still don't blame you.

 

 

How could I blame you when all you did was confirm what I knew to be true?

How could I blame you when you chose to do what everyone else chooses to do?

 

I loved you more than you ever felt loved before, you said that.

I make everyone feel more adored than they ever did before, before I walked through their door. They say that!

All I do is infuse everyone I choose with more joy and hope and love and acceptance and encouragement than I ever did in my youth!

All I do is make everyone happier and safer and more cared for than anyone ever did for me, that's the truth!

And I do this without expectation of reward or to make myself adored; I'm not a *****!

 

And the moment I mess up and make mistakes and prove that ultimately I'm not okay, I'm then abhorred!

My father did it first, and it started a cycle that would prove me to always be the one ignored!

In those moments I need to feel safe and cared for in my misery, they choose to walk out my life's door!

 

 

And I said this over and over again

And you convinced me it would never happen again

 

But you didn't promise me; you promised him,

 

 

The man you had married.

 

Not the woman in his heart he had buried.