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Penned and issued on the 17th of Harren's Folley, 1961. AAUNLY THE FINEST From the great minds that brought you the marmalades on your toast, the gonks on your fireplace, and even the quality cloth you wear – A new taste comes to Aaun directly from the shores of Hurstcombe itself, a proper Dencynn speciality that is GUARANTEED to bring you back for more: Boon & Bane’s proudly announce their NEWEST business endeavour: Boon & Bane’s Fish & Chips, in collaboration with Jan Nowak II of Nowak Novelties. Sourced directly from Aaun's harbours and most secret fishing holes with nothing but two idiots and a shared rod, ALL our food is prepared lovingly and carefully to PERFECTION. WHERE? Just outside Whitespire. Can’t miss it. Maybe can miss it if you are blind. If you are blind, Boon & Bane are sorry. Let’s hope your taste buds aren’t blind though! Meaning that they can taste. Because our food is really nice. There is ALSO Jan’s bakery. Next door. If you want AFTERS. (We do not sell afters). ★★★★★ REVIEWS ‘I love Boon and Bane’s so much. Everything they do is so innovative and fresh and wonderful. I would make them both kings if I was not already king and had two spare thrones.’ – King John of Aaun, allegedly ‘This is so much faster than cooking at home!’ – Prince Johannes Alstreim ‘Now my kids ask for Boon and Bane's Fish and Chips for lunch instead of my own cooking! Frankly it's a little hurtful...’ – Queen Amelya of Middelan, overheard complaining. ‘Ever since I've started eating at Boon and Bane's Fish and Chips my moustache has gained significant volume! Even Illatian cooking can't compete.’ – Ser Stefano Montelliano We also asked for Gaspard van Aert, but he was unfortunately not available for comment at this time. Penned and issued by, 4th Lord Mayor of Whitespire, The Bailiff of Apfelberg, Chef of Merryweather, Foreign Relations, Builder, Handyman, Investor, Non-Profit, For-Profit, Seamstress, Chutney Developer, Royal Babysitter, Marmalade enthusiast, and Co-Owner of Boon & Bane's Ltd. Co-Owner, Co-Founder, Proprietor, CEO, Possessor, Lease-Holder, Landlord, Keeper, Chancellor, Esteemed, Lord, Logistics-Master, Accountant, Architect, Designer, Quartermaster, Chutney-Taster, Lawyer, Dish-washer, Administrator of Boon & Bane's Ltd. and Boon's Brother. 2nd of His Name, Patriarch of Nowak, CEO of Nowak Novelties, Handsome, Single, Baker of Miracles, High Priest of Marzanna, Sworn Enemy of A High Elf, Owner of Nova Ko.
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Various popular Dencynn hits, adjusted for the Aaunic palate by Boon & Bane in the year of 1961. With dedication to King John of Aaun and Queen Amelya of Middelan. AAUN CALLING Aaun calling to the faraway nations Now war is declared and battle come down Aaun calling to the underworld Come out of the vassals, you boys and girls Aaun calling, now don't look to us Phony Bardmania has bitten the dust Aaun calling, see we ain't got no swing Except for the ring of the truncheon thing The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in Coup expected, the wheat is growing thin Cannons stop firing, but I have no fear 'Cause Aaun is flooding I live by the docks Aaun calling to the imitation zone Forget it, brother, you can go it alone Aaun calling to the ghouls of death Quit holding out and draw another breath Aaun calling and I don't want to shout But while we were talking, I saw you nodding out Aaun calling, see we ain't got no high Except for that one with the one eye The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in Cannons stop firing, the wheat is growing thin A darkspawn era, but I have no fear 'Cause Aaun is flooding I, I live by the docks The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in Cannons stop firing, the wheat is growing thin A darkspawn era, but I have no fear 'Cause Aaun is flooding I, I live by the docks Now get this Aaun calling, yes, I was there, too And you know what they said? Well, some of it was true Aaun calling at the top of the spire And after all this, won't you give me a smile? I never felt so much alike, alike, alike, alike GOD SAVE THE QUEEN God save the queen The Darkspawn regime They made you a moron A potential T(hanhium) bomb God save the queen She's not a human being and There's no future And Aaun’s dreaming Don't be told what you want Don't be told what you need There's no future No future No future for you God save the queen We mean it man We love our queen God saves God save the queen 'Cause raiders are money And our figurehead Is not what she seems Oh God save history God save your mad parade Oh Lord God have mercy All crimes are paid Oh when there's no future How can there be sin We're the flowers In the dustbin We're the tanglefoot In your human machine We're the future Your future God save the queen We mean it man We love our queen God saves God save the queen We mean it man There's no future In Aaun’s dreaming God save the queen No future No future No future for you No future No future No future for me No future No future No future for you AAUNLIFE Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur Of what is known as (Aaunlife) And morning soup can be avoided If you take a route straight through what is known as (Aaunlife) John's got brewers droop he gets intimidated By the dirty pigeons, they love a bit of him (Aaunlife) Who's that gut lord marching? You should cut down on your Aaunlife mate, get some exercise All the people So many people They all go hand in hand Hand in hand through their Aaunlife Know what I mean? I get up when I want except on Horen’s Calling When I get rudely awakened by the raiders (Aaunlife) I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea And I think about leaving the vassal (Aaunlife) I feed the pigeons I sometimes feed the seagulls too It gives me a sense of enormous well-being (Aaunlife) And then I'm happy for the rest of the day safe in the knowledge There will always be a bit of my heart devoted to it All the people So many people And they all go hand in hand Hand in hand through their Aaunlife Aaunlife (Aaunlife) Aaunlife (Aaunlife) It's got nothing to do with Sword Fighting technique you know (Aaunlife) And it's not about you joggers Who go round and round and round (Aaunlife) All the people So many people And they all go hand in hand Hand in hand through their Aaunlife All the people So many people And they all go hand in hand Hand in hand through their Aaunlife
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Penned and issued by, the 4th Lord Mayor of Whitespire On the 20th of Godfrey's Triumph, 1956 WEALTH BEYOND MEASURE, GOOD CITIZENS OF WHITESPIRE. I am Boon, of Boon & Bane’s (as I am sure you have heard). I’d like to publish my findings after I believe TWO YEARS of my position as Lord Mayor. Just today, I held my first official, professional, masterful, and executive meeting with those that call themselves the ‘city council’. I had seen these fellows around before, but, I never introduced myself nor did they introduce THEMSELVES to me. I put this down to my SHEER PRESENCE being so imposing and my aura so WEALTHY. To start with my aforementioned and MOST IMPORTANT findings, I’d like to share with you readers a few fun facts and tid-bits of those that sat before me in the city council (because I, of course, positioned myself above them all upon the big chair). I still do not understand what this council of cities does, however, I find it quite charming they keep asking to ‘take the floor’. I think it is absurd to ask for permission to dance and that you should be able to do such whenever and wherever you like. Firstly, one of the fellows whom was named Vylandris (quite peculiar if you ask me, which you should), stated that he once tried to convince a Haeseni woman to dance with a goat! His favourite colour, quite oddly, was SKY blue. Which, I think, is just a NORMAL blue. No need to specify sky, big fella. Next we have big Franny, or Frantzisko Bishop Buron something or other important-sounding. Big fan of WINE RED, he is. Broke into a guardhouse when was just twelve! Now, this fella, after hearing this, I’d properly trust with my life. If he was jumping off a bridge, well, I might too. Might even jump off the Hand of Horen with him, but, that is a story for another day. MOST INTERESTINGLY, however, was the fellow named Henri de Lewes. He had NO FUN FACT… Up until when he did indeed produce a fun fact; that of him marrying his cousin! Blimming heck. Don’t remember a comment on a favourite colour unfortunately, but, I’d imagine it is whatever colour that his cousin likes. I’ve also been seeing some odd and downright weird happenings around the city itself, of course, with my new monocle that I acquired as to display my new-found professionality as Mayor. Namely, that FREAK from back home; Godric. Seems that Godric from the village over followed us, Boon and Bane, all the way from Hurstcombe to try and one-up us at OUR OWN TUVMAS STALLS. Terrible fellow. I will see to it that Godric is deemed a villain and his stall is flattened if he continues to harass us, so please write to me (in big letters and with simple spelling preferably) if he harasses you as well. I have also noticed a most terrible thing during my REIGN as LORD MAYOR. I have been counting the cobbles upon the Whitespire street as I have been performing my morning walks, and I have noticed that: every fourth brick is very slightly skew-whiff. Let it be known that I will personally be taking donations to fix such an impending problem. Hashtag Fix Aaun’s Infrastructure (I don’t know what this means but I was told it was trendy). Other than that, I have NOT been very impressed with the residents’ breakfast routine. Not a single person has reported to me, other than four people. If you are not careful I will be enforcing a STRICT breakfast routine of which every morning you must line up with your empty bowls in front of my upcoming soup kitchen and Bane will be keeping track of how much each one of you eat. Also, I’d like to remind Merryweather Merry Swap participants that the gift-exchange will be taking place next Saint’s day. Anybody that doesn’t like this knows where the gate is, BUT, you’ll have to be extraordinarily thin to fit through them because we sadly won’t be opening them anytime soon because of odd green fellows and turquoise-bandana-wearing folk stalking us. Cheerio and until next update. Right, Bane, put down that blimming quill now and help me tidy up after the chickens. Come on, you can stop writing now, don’t do this aga Penned and issued by, 4th Lord Mayor of Whitespire, The Bailiff of Apfelberg, Chef of Merryweather, Foreign Relations, Builder, Handyman, Investor, Non-Profit, For-Profit, Seamstress, Chutney Developer, Marmalade enthusiast, and Co-Owner of Boon & Bane's Ltd.
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Penned and issued by, the Fourth Lord Mayor of Whitespire On the 14th of Sigismund’s End, 1955 Greetings and Abundant Prosperity to the Esteemed Men and Women of the United Kingdom of Aaun, In the spirit of shared blessings, I, Sir Lord Mayor Boon, am honored to extend heartfelt wishes for wealth beyond measure to all. With the collaborative efforts of my esteemed brother, Bane, I scribe this missive to announce a momentous occasion that shall resonate near and far—the inaugural Tuvmas Festival of Whitespire, a cherished tradition hailing from our ancestral homeland of Hurstcombe. Picture, if you will, the market stalls gracefully positioned outside the city's confines, lining the main road like a vibrant tapestry. Allow the enchanting aromas of rich hot chocolate, succulent roasted meats, and the warmth of our grand bonfire to guide your senses straight to the heart of the festivities. Here, amidst the captivating scene, our gracious merchants and jubilant festival-goers eagerly await your presence! These merchants, each a purveyor of fine wares, have been meticulously HAND-PICKED by the discerning eye of Bane, representing the esteemed international brand Boon & Bane’s. This careful curation ensures that only the pinnacle of quality goods graces the market, guaranteeing an unparalleled experience for all who partake. Join us as we embark on this extraordinary journey, where tradition meets jubilation, and the air is filled not only with the scents of delectable treats but also with the shared spirit of camaraderie. The Tuvmas Festival of Whitespire is a testament to our shared heritage and the enduring unity that defines the tapestry of our community. We will be having a communal Tuvmas Markets Tour soon, however, you are welcome to shop and peruse the markets any time! Anticipating the pleasure of your company at this grand occasion, I remain at your service, and welcome visitors from afar and near to take part in our celebrations over the coming week! [OOC: Tuvmas Markets Tour: Thursday, Dec 21 2:00pm EST.] TUVMAS BALL To continue on with our Tuvmas celebrations throughout the week, you (yes, you, reading this!) are cordially invited to attend our Tuvmas Ball at the Hand of Horen. Wear your finest silks, however, preferably no white; as there will be abundant tables of food for you to enjoy! [OOC: Tuvmas Ball: Dec 22, 3:00pm EST. Location: The Hand of Horen.] MERRYWEATHER MERRY SWAP As I am sure you merry swappers have noticed, we have been unfortunately unable to move forward with our gift-giving day because of the unending raids and attacks along our road. However, fret not, as we will be moving the venue for the Merryweather Merry Swap from The Blue Bonnet tavern in Merryweather to The Black Rose Inn inside the capital. Please be advised that your numbered gift boxes will be moved to the Whitespire tavern upstairs. I, Boon, promise that your gifts will be handled with delicacy throughout the move! Let this also serve as a reminder to you gift-giving folk to get your gifts in your respective box in time for the exchange! Or else Boon won't be happy... [OOC: December 23, 3:00pm EST. Location: The Black Rose Inn in Whitespire. For any other details, please refer to the previous Merryweather Merry Swap post.] Penned and issued by, Fourth Lord Mayor of Whitespire, The Bailiff of Apfelberg, Chef of Merryweather, Foreign Relations, Builder, Handyman, Investor, Non-Profit, For-Profit, Professional Knitter, Chutney Developer, Marmalade Enthusiast, and Co-Owner of Boon & Bane's Ltd. Laurene Renaulta Adelaide Ashford de Savoie-Lewes, Grand Reveller of The Paradsian Court
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Penned and issued by, the 4th Lord Mayor of Whitespire On the 13th of Harren’s Folley, 1954 WEALTH BEYOND MEASURE, GOOD CITIZENS OF WHITESPIRE. I am Boon, of Boon & Bane’s (as I am sure you have heard). And it has been brought to my attention that I am now the FOURTH LORD MAYOR of WHITESPIRE. I am not quite sure what this means but it sounds very very important and so I am quite honered honoured and I will be shoving this in my brother’s face, and so I thank each individual person that has allowed me this title. I have been told by a secret source that I am now able to demolish buildings so I URGE YOU to be nice to me, or your home will be FLATTENED. However, if you have any suggestions or nice compliments to me, please write to me and I will ask Bane to read out your letter over a cup of tea. Anyway, as my first promise, I will be out finding cows (and possibly a few chickens) to gift to every loyal citizen. Do not be alarmed if you find a few cow droppings on your rugs (however do not ask me to reimburse you for this). You are most welcome. Boon also thinks (that is me) that most government and council meetings are quite boring and that, as my first initiative, buffet tables stocked with the HIGHEST QUALITY SOURCED AAUNESE AAUNIC LOCAL FOOD will be provided for all those in attendance. AS THE FIRST BILL I AM PREPERSING PROPOSING, I would like to ensure all citizens of Whitespire are kept healthy and happy and on a full belly to give us an advantage against our enemies. You will be required to EAT BREAKFAST every day and consistently provide myself with a detailed list of what you consumed every week. If I EVER catch wind that you are fighting on an EMPTY STOMACH I will deem you a villain and see to it that you are evicted. Alright, Bane, you can stop writing now. Why are you still writing? I said stop you bumbling idio Penned and issued by, 4th Lord Mayor of Whitespire, The Bailiff of Apfelberg, Chef of Merryweather, Foreign Relations, Builder, Handyman, Investor, Non-Profit, For-Profit, Seamstress, Chutney Developer, Marmalade enthusiast, and Co-Owner of Boon & Bane's Ltd.
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[!] Numerous new fliers were hung up around the Kingdom of Aaun! With some strays around Haense, too!
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Penned and issued by, the Bailiff of Apfelberg On the 4th of Horen’s Calling, 1953 WEALTH BEYOND MEASURE, and God’s blessing to all men and women of Merryweather and the United Kingdom of Aaun. The last few years have brought our Principality and Kingdom naught more but poverty, sadness and damage. Despite the loss of our Prince Heinrich our lives go on and we, the people of Merryweather, have to carry on what he and his family started. To bring joy despite the hard time that everyone is going through we, the Bailiff of Apfelberg, announce the first MERRYWEATHER MERRY SWAP: a seasonal celebration brought directly from the shores of Hurstcombe by me and my brother, Bane. It is a traditional, surprise gift-giving festivity. Everyone who wishes to participate in our event shall contact me! The Merry Swap will have three stages: STAGE I Sign up - everyone who wishes to participate should inform me of such by penning a letter or leaving their personal information on a piece of paper inside the box located within the Apfelberg Community Center. Citizens outside of Merryweather are encouraged to partake in this joyous time, provided they intend to come celebrate upon our grounds when the day of gift giving comes! STAGE II Preparations - once you receive the information of who you will be making a gift for you shall take your time and prepare! Think of something that the person would like to receive, think of something nice that would bring them joy! It is suggested you give your recipient from ONE up to THREE gifts. STAGE III Gift giving - once the day of the Merryweather Merry Swap comes, all those taking part should gather at The Blue Bonnet with their presents ready and give them to their recipients. In case one cannot make it to the Merry Swap night, there will be special numbered letter boxes prepared inside The Blue Bonnet where their gifts will be kept safe until the event begins so that the recipient can receive them on this day. Those taking part should inform the Bailiff about their possible absence at least THREE SAINT’S DAYS before the Merry Swap. On this 12th of Godfrey’s Triumph in the year of our Lord 1953 I announce that the first annual Merryweather Merry Swap has begun and my mailbox is open for your signups until the 11th of Horen’s Calling, 1954. After such a date, I shall be sending letters out to inform each participant of whom they are to prepare their gift/gifts for, and their allocated number of letter box they may place their gift into up until the special day. Penned and issued by, The Bailiff of Apfelberg, Chef of Merryweather, Foreign Relations, Builder, Handyman, Investor, Non-Profit, For-Profit, Seamstress, Chutney Developer, Marmalade enthusiast, and Co-Owner of Boon & Bane's Ltd. and Bane's Brother. OOC Information (INCLUDING signing up via Google Forms)
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[!] The esteemed brother to the now-armless and illiterate merchant Boon, Bane, begins writing a wicked letter of complaint toward the Thorn of a White Rose newspaper on his brother's behalf! Penned and issued by Bane on the 4th of Owyn's Light, 1953 Dear Penner of the Rose, Madame Thorn, I am writing on behalf of my brother Boon, listening to his pained words and cries carefully. The matter of fact in this letter is that you did not mention him and subsequently our business or the tragedy that struck him a few moons ago during the trial of Richard of Stassion. This is a great disaster to Aaun, our customers, yourself and your newspaper. As an upstanding citizen of Aaun (who has always paid his own and other's taxes out of sheer generosity), he believes, and I believe, his now lack of arm should have at least received ONE sentence of mention. He is a beloved figure within the Kingdom, and when he was being taken captive, screams of his name, of worry, were echoing throughout the hall. Rescue missions and teams immediately scrambled in their dozens to save him. You are underappreciating the work he has done for this nation and making the event seem like a non-issue. Therefore, you are slandering our business and damaging our reputation. Might I let you know, personally, as his brother, this is me speaking now, he is STRUGGLING to knit, as he has one arm, this is on top of us jointly mourning for our recent lost friends in the Aaunite nobility, and yet you add on to our GRIEF. That means our wares are on a delay and are struggling to reach the hands of our beloved visitors, which means their beloved gold in their nice purses are struggling to get into our hands. If any poor quality garb or product gets out to the citizens of Aaun, this is blood on YOUR hands. You are single-handedly crashing the Kingdom of Aaun's economy. In conclusion, we as a international conglomerate are DISSAPPOINTED and Boon is ANGRY. As an apology from your silly little paper, we have some demands. It should be publicly known that those that assisted Boon received lifetime loyalty cards to Boon & Bane's, which included, His Majesty John of Aaun, as we are loyal subjects, and he even saved Boon FOUR slices of pie, which is FOUR more than you have given him. We would be delighted to be interviewed by your paper for your next issue, please contact us. If you do not do this... there WILL be issues. But unfortunately, no, I will not enjoy your next issues, because frankly you are a prick, a thorn in MY side. Yours most angrily, Co-Owner, Co-Founder, Proprietor, CEO, Possessor, Lease-Holder, Landlord, Keeper, Chancellor, Esteemed, Lord, Logistics-Master, Accountant, Architect, Designer, Quartermaster, Chutney-Taster, Lawyer, Dish-washer, Administrator of Boon & Bane's Ltd. and Boon's Brother, Bane
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[!] Numerous NEW fliers had been nailed on posts around the Kingdom of Aaun! Along with a certain plump merchant to be seen with colourful crayons and stained hands... ═════════════⊰❂⊱═════════════ ═════════════⊰❂⊱═════════════
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[!] A soggy missive was found in the gutter of Aaun, seemingly containing song lyrics... A powerful and emotional ballad, surely to bring a tear to any viewer's eye. doesn't seem to matter what i do... im always number two..... no one knows how hard i tried.... oh-oh i... i have feelings that i can't explain... drivin' me insane.. all my life been profit-right but i'll never be alright... 'cause i'm just bane... anywhere else i'd get the fame... is it my destiny to live a life of mercantile-ability.... i'm just bane... where i see profit they see a no-name... what will it take for them to see the man and his great utility.... i wanna know what it's like to be dealed and trade rare things. is it a crime? am i not smart when i'm in my feelings? and is my moment finally here, or am i dreaming? i'm no merchant.... i'm just bane... anywhere else i'd get the fame... is it my destiny to live a life of mercantile-ability.... i'm just bane... where i see profit they see a no-name... what will it take for them to see the man and his great uti-li-ty.... i'm just bane (and i'm baneough) and i'm great at selling stuff. so hey, check me out, yeah i'm just bane my name's bane (and i sell stuff) put that merchant hand in mine so hey, world check me out, yeah i'm just bane baby, i'm just bane
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[!] Posters had been haphazardly nailed around various nation capitals, covered in a mix of crayon smears and crumbs. ═════════════⊰❂⊱═════════════ ═════════════⊰❂⊱═════════════
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[!] Numerous NEW fliers had been nailed on posts around the Kingdom of Aaun! ═════════════⊰❂⊱═════════════ ═════════════⊰❂⊱═════════════
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[!] Numerous fliers had been nailed on posts around the Kingdom of Aaun! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
