A Dark Legacy

[MamaBearJade 2090]

The dark cave brought very little comfort to her. She looked over at S’ergt for a moment, watching as he fell asleep with their beautiful daughter in his lap. She laid there watching him. After a few more moments, she got up and made her way out of the cave. She could hear her footsteps echo as she climbed up and up untile she finally reached fresh air. Her eyes turned to the waning crescent moon. “Alone.” she muttered before heading to her place of solace.The forest was eerily quiet as she made her way towards Darkhaven. After finally getting to there, she headed to the graves.

 

Her eyes focused on the pots before her, the ashes of her mother, father, brother and sister. Her family. She closed her eyes and sat down on the cold stone and bowed her head. Tears rolled down her cheeks as the events of that day passed through her mind. “Maln…” she whimpered as she sat there. “I truly am a failure…” She put her head against the placard she had made for him. Her hand resting on the cold stone. “My whole life, I have been nothing but a failure to you...to my family…”

 

She trembles as she spoke, her voice breaking. She could feel the spirits around her, feel the disappointment. The weak wolf. She whimpered as the voices grew louder. “Failure.” “Weak.” “Disloyal.” Their torment growing louder with each heartbeat. She whimpered and pulled away from the placard and covered her ears. A pain howl came from her as the torment continued deep inside her mind. “Tainted. Filth. *****.”

 

Thump thump… Thump thump. Thump…….thump… Z’ress’s eyes widen as her heart stops and pain shoots through her body. Her eyes roll back and she falls to her side. Slowly she slips from the world of the living into darkness. It swallowed her whole, her body cooling against the stone as her heart beat weakly once more against her chest. She was out. Her mind simply gone from the world as she slipped into the torment she had put herself in.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Where am I?”

 

“In the Darkness, my pet.”

 

“No. I am not your pet! I am Z’ress Kal’daka Oussana. The str-”

 

“The weak wolf of the Oussana pack.”

 

“I am not weak!”

 

“You are. You fell for your nephew...did you even love him? Did you mourn for his death?”

 

“Yes! I mourned for weeks.”

 

“And his child?”

 

“I mourned for them both!”

 

“So why did you kill your sister?”

 

“I-I...I didn’t mean to! I was trying to ki-”

 

“Kill her. Admit it. You knew she would try to save you. In fact you counted on it!”

 

“No!”

 

“Yes! You admitted to it!”

 

“I-I…I di-”

 

“And what about your father? You pushed him away when you told him. You hated him for leaving you alone.”

 

“No...No I didn’t…I loved him…”

 

“You hated him! You wanted him gone! You even wanted to overthrow him for the Oussana clan, to become its matriarch!”

 

“No!”

 

“Yes. You did. Admit your faults. You can not lie.”

 

“I-I….”

 

“And then what about your son? You are the reason he is dead. You stabbed yourself to please a child. A child that you tried to kidnap and steal from your dead sister!”

 

“...”

 

“Yes. You killed your son. You tainted your daughter. She will be killed. When she is older. She will become like Vithquar and then killed.”

 

“Dhaun’che won’t...she won’t..”

 

“Dhaun’che. Tainted Love. You named her for that which you hated. You cursed her to a life of death and despair.”

 

“No...no I…”

 

“Then you continued...You toyed with another man’s emotions. You kissed other men. You cheated on your mate.”

 

“I-I…”

 

“Do you even know what love is?”

 

“...”

 

“You are a disgrace. You are no Oussana. You are a Darkspire. Born of filth. Born of a *****. Born of incest.”

 

“S-shut up…”

 

“You are no wolf. You are a common mutt. You do not deserve to even live!”

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Z’ress groaned as she opened her eyes. They quickly widened when she found herself once more in her cage. “H-Help!” she cried out. The glass was thick and muffled her screams as she looked around. She whimpered as her breathing caught. The room felt small and cramped. Outside her little cage, she saw the operating table. The cultists found her again. But how? She began to panic, then what she focused on next made her heart stop.

 

In the cage opposite her she saw little Dhaun’che curled up and asleep. On the operating table was S’ergt, strapped to the table and gagged. “S’ergt!” she screamed. She ran to the glass and pounded on it. Her eyes soon drifted up and she nearly vomited. Yuln. Someone she had grown closer to than anyone else. Her first real friend since she was a child. His skin was on display and a mound of torn flesh and bones below it. Her eyes traced the scars on his body.

 

“Yuln…” she whimpered. She looked to S’ergt, his eyes looking directly at her, pleading with her. A laugh echoed and she looked up to see the Judge step in with another. “Ah, she is awake, finally.” he said as he moved to S’ergt. The second man walked towards her cage and opened a latch on the door so she could hear the sounds. He then did the same to Dhaun’che’s. “No! Stop this!” she pleaded.

 

A smile fell on the cultist’s lips as the judge pulled out a flaying knife. The agonizing screams coming from S’ergt rang in her ears. “S-stop.” she begged. Her eyes closing as she tried to block out his screams. Agonizing hours passed as she listened to him cry out in pain before he finally succumed to death. His flesh tacked with Yuln’s on the wall and his body tossed into the pile of bones and muscle.

 

Cries brought Z’ress out of her hiding. Slowly she looked over to see Dhaun’che wailing for her deceased father. “D-Dhaun’che...i-its alright s-sweety.” she called, weakly. However, her words soon failed her when Vithquar was wheeled in. Her deceased head cut off and placed on the pile of dismembered parts. “Remember when we wanted to add something to you? Well, lets add to the child instead and let you watch.”

 

Z’ress watched in horror as they grabbed her daughter and within moments had her unconscious and on the table. She gasped as a large man went into her cage and grabbed her, forcing her to watch the botched surgery. Tears streamed from her face as horns were attached to Dhaun’s head, wings and tail to her back. A miniature Vithquar. “Keep watching.” they said as they slowly killed her daughter. Soon darkness enveloped her once more.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“W-why?”

 

“To show you what you caused.”

 

“I-I….”

 

“Yes. You bring them to death. You are weak.”

 

“...”

 

“You should end it before you hurt others.”

 

“...”

 

“You will cause them to all suffer. You are weak.”

 

“I am weak…”

 

“You are filth.”

 

“I am filth…”

 

“You deserve to suffer.”

 

“I deserve to suffer…”

 

“Good.”

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Slowly the rises outside, Z’ress stays in the tomb, cold and crying. Her body pulled into a tight ball. She opened her eyes to look at the placard. After a moment she moved to her feet and headed out from the tomb. Her eyes full of pain. “I deserve this torment.” she whispered to herself as she left the tomb. “I cause nothing but pain and death…” She stepped outside and turned towards the cliffs. After a moment she turned to head back to Lenniel. Her hand over her heart as it weighed heavily in her chest. A secret she would keep to her grave. The darkness that plagued all of the daughters of Laila.

 

 

 

 

A dark Legacy.

 

[Ryn Chirr 224]

(( <3 Holy... Beautiful post Jade!! Wish I could RP with it.. oh and FIRST!))

[Rig 17581]

((A bit drama filled, but interesting I guess.))

[OhDeerLord 673]

((-Is confused as to why a post mentioning Leanniel is posted this far into the Fringe-))

[MamaBearJade 2090]

((A bit drama filled, but interesting I guess.))

 

((it was a dream zress had that really freaked her out at the tomb))

 

((-Is confused as to why a post mentioning Leanniel is posted this far into the Fringe-))

 

((this was written back in anthos, never thought of posting it cause meh. Concidering this was when she was still with S'ergt))

[Praetor 1550]

 

I need to practice criticising so here.

 

The dark cave brought very little comfort to her. She looked over at glanced S’ergt for a moment, watching as he fell asleep with their beautiful daughter in his lap. She laid there watching him.(In a story, the saying goes that 1+1 = 1/2. Basically means that sometimes, the more you add, the worse it is. Here, glanced covers the whole act of looking briefly at her husband. While the phrase after is redundant and brings nothing to the story.) After a few more moments later, she got up and made her way out of the cave. She could hear the echo of her footsteps as she climbed towards her footsteps echo as she climbed up and up untile she finally reached fresh air. Her eyes turned toShe looked at  the waning crescent moon. “Alone.” she muttered before heading to her place of solace.The forest was eerily quiet as she made her way towards Darkhaven, her place of solace. After finally getting to there, she headed to the graves.Try rephrasing the last line, the grammar isn't correct and it sticks out from the rest of the paragraph. Integrating it with the line before could work better for you.

 

Important point: 'Her eyes turned to'. You don't turn your eyes somewhere, you aren't a pupeteer in a skull using sticks to turn two globes around. You turn a Submarine's periscope towards the Bismark, but you as a person LOOK at the crescent moon.

 

Her eyesShe focused on the pots before her, the ashes of her mother, father, brother and sister. Her family. She closed her eyes and sat down on the cold stone and bowed her head. Tears rolled down her cheeks as the events of that day passedFlit/flitted(?) through her mind. “Maln…” she whimpered as she sat there(Redundant). “I truly am a failure…” She put her head against the placard she had made for him. Her hand resting on the cold stone. “My whole life, I have been nothing but a failure to you...to my family…”

 

She trembles trembled (Never, ever change times in a story unless there is a concrete reason. (Flashback, etc...) It's probably one of the things I dislike the most when criticizing a story and is largely viewed as wrong by authors.) as she spoke, and her voice breaking.broke She could feel the spirits around her, feel the disappointment. The weak wolf. She whimpered (Try finding another word to avoid repeating it too often. Also, whimper gives off an impression of weakness that can turn irritating fast. Try to avoid using it unless you're absolutely sure that's what you're aiming for.) as the voices grew louder. “Failure.” “Weak.” “Disloyal.” Their torment growing grew (Avoid ing's when you can.) louder with each heartbeat. She whimpered and ,pulled away from the placard and covered her ears. A pain howl came from her  She howled in pain (Don't tell the reader what's happening, describe it! Use actions.)as the torment continued deep inside her mind. “Tainted. Filth. *****.”

 

Thump thump… Thump thump. Thump…….thump… Z’ress’s eyes widen as her heart stops and pain shoots through her body. Her eyes roll back and she falls to her side. Slowly she slips from the world of the living into darkness.  (An overused cliché, try to avoid them. Simplify or invent your own expression.) It swallowed her whole, her body cooling against the stone as her heart beat weakly once more against her chest. She was out. Her mind simply gone from the world as she slipped into the torment she had put herself in.

 

IMPORTANT NOTE for this paragraph: You should change your tenses back to the past. 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Where am I?”

 

“In the Darkness, my pet.”

 

“No. I am not your pet! I am Z’ress Kal’daka Oussana. The str-”

 

“The weak wolf of the Oussana pack.”

 

“I am not weak!”

 

“You are. You fell for your nephew...did you even love him? Did you mourn for his death?”

 

“Yes! I mourned for weeks.”

 

“And his child?”

 

“I mourned for them both!”

 

“So why did you kill your sister?”

 

“I-I...I didn’t mean to! I was trying to ki-”

 

“Kill her. Admit it. You knew she would try to save you. In fact you counted on it!”

 

“No!”

 

“Yes! You admitted to it!”

 

“I-I…I di-”

 

“And what about your father? You pushed him away when you told him. You hated him for leaving you alone.”

 

“No...No I didn’t…I loved him…”

 

“You hated him! You wanted him gone! You even wanted to overthrow him for the Oussana clan, to become its matriarch!”

 

“No!”

 

“Yes. You did. Admit your faults. You can not lie.”

 

“I-I….”

 

“And then what about your son? You are the reason he is dead. You stabbed yourself to please a child. A child that you tried to kidnap and steal from your dead sister!”

 

“...”

 

“Yes. You killed your son. You tainted your daughter. She will be killed. When she is older. She will become like Vithquar and then killed.”

 

“Dhaun’che won’t...she won’t..”

 

“Dhaun’che. Tainted Love. You named her for that which you hated. You cursed her to a life of death and despair.”

 

“No...no I…”

 

“Then you continued...You toyed with another man’s emotions. You kissed other men. You cheated on your mate.”

 

“I-I…”

 

“Do you even know what love is?”

 

“...”

 

“You are a disgrace. You are no Oussana. You are a Darkspire. Born of filth. Born of a *****. Born of incest.”

 

“S-shut up…”

 

“You are no wolf. You are a common mutt. You do not deserve to even live!”

 

Your forté is in dialogue. The voice was pretty well done and the dialogue was interesting. However, to avoid making it feel like an info dump, I would try to add a little more than just dialogue. Right now it feels like you tried to shove all the necessary info into one scene. While that isn't always a bad thing, it should be carefully written to avoid the infodumpfeel.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Z’ress groaned as and opened her eyes. They quickly widened when she found herself once more in her cage  Her eyes widened, she was in a cage! (Introduce some internal dialogue in your story to add depth to your character and make her feel more alive. -to the readers- Here, an exclamation point is appropriate too, it adds a little spice.). “H-Help!” she cried out screamed/yelled (Not necessarily the best but IMO it sounds better.) The glass was thick and muffled her screams as she looked around (The reader will guess she's looking around, unless she's blind. Removing it makes the paragraph flow more smoothly.) She whimpered as her breathing caught. And her breath caught (in her throat.)The room felt small and cramped. Outside her little cage, she saw the operating table. The cultists found her again. But how? She began to panic, then what she focused on next made her heart stop. (This last line feels awkward. A good attempt at increasing the tension but I think it falls rather flat because of it's poor wording.)

 

IMPORTANT NOTE: Never forget internal dialogue, it's one of the seven tools a writer has to create a strong emotional experiences for the reader. Use it, and use it well!

 

In the cage opposite her she saw little Dhaun’che curled up and asleep. On the operating table was S’ergt, strapped to the table and gagged. “S’ergt!” she screamed. She ran to the glass and pounded on it. Her eyes soon drifted up and she nearly vomited. Yuln. Someone she had grown closer to than anyone else. Her first real friend since she was a child. His skin was on display and a mound of torn flesh and bones below it. Her eyes traced the scars on his body. She traced the scars on his body with horror. (Horror is optional, but since your POV character is the one looking at it and she's obviously horrified, it's a good idea to describe things from her Point of view.)

 

“Yuln…” she whimpered. She looked to at S’ergt, his eyes looking directly at her, He was looking directly at her, pleading with her. A laugh echoed (where?) and she looked up to see the Judge step in with another. “Ah, she is awake, finally.” he said as he moved to S’ergt. The second man walked towards her cage and opened a latch on the door so she could hear the sounds. He then did the same to Dhaun’che’s. “No! Stop this!” she pleaded.

 

IMPORTANT NOTE: Always divide dialogue into seperate paragraphs depending on who is speaking. While all rules in writing fiction can be broken, it's one of the few pretty much every author respects as a convention.

 

A smile fell on the cultist’s lips (I hope it didn't bruise him. Harhar, kidding aside, it didn't fall on his lips, he just smiled. e.g 'The cultist smiled' as the judge pulled out a flaying knife. The agonizing screams coming from S’ergt rang in her ears S'ergt screamed in agony. It rang in her ears and burned into her mind (Include metaphore if you feel like it. Also, this is once again a case of telling, not showing. Telling is one of the primary reasons that writers get rejected for by publishers.). “S-stop.” she begged. Her eyes closing ed as she tried to block out his screams. Agonizing hours passed as she listened to him cry out in pain before he finally succumed to death. His flesh tacked with Yuln’s on the wall and his body tossed into the pile of bones and muscle.

 

Cries brought Z’ress out of her hiding. Slowly she looked over to see Dhaun’che wailing for her deceased father. “D-Dhaun’che...i-its alright s-sweety.” she called, weakly. However, her words soon failed her when Vithquar was wheeled in. Her deceased head cut off and placed on the pile of dismembered parts. “Remember when we wanted to add something to you? Well, lets add to the child instead and let you watch.” (Specify the speaker)

 

Z’ress watched in horror as they grabbed her daughter and within moments had her unconscious and on the table. She gasped as a large man went into her cage and grabbed her, forcing her to watch the botched surgery. Tears streamed from her face as horns were attached to Dhaun’s head, wings and tail to her back. A miniature Vithquar. “Keep watching.” they said as they slowly killed her daughter. Soon darkness enveloped her once more.

Obviously a momentous event for her. I would try going into a bit more detail, perhaps expanding on her feelings during the event.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“W-why?”

 

“To show you what you caused.”

 

“I-I….”

 

“Yes. You bring them to death. You are weak.”

 

“...”

 

“You should end it before you hurt others.”

 

“...”

 

“You will cause them to all suffer. You are weak.”

 

“I am weak…”

 

“You are filth.”

 

“I am filth…”

 

“You deserve to suffer.”

 

“I deserve to suffer…”

 

“Good.”

 

(Sounds a bit like an excerpt from some BDSM fic though the idea behind it is sound, I think it needs some reworking.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Slowly the sun(?) rises outside, Z’ress stays in the tomb, cold and crying. Her body She had pulled herself into a tight ball. She opened her eyes to look at the placard. After a moment she moved to her feet got up and headed out from the tomb. ,her eyes full of pain. “I deserve this torment.” she whispered to herself as she left the tomb. “I cause nothing but pain and death…” She stepped outside and turned towards the cliffs. After a moment  and looked at the cliffs. A few moments later she turned to head back to Lenniel. Her hand over her heart as it weighed heavily in her chest. Her heart was heavy with A secret she would keep to her grave. The darkness that plagued all of the daughters of Laila.

 

IMPORTANT NOTE: Use internal dialogue instead of external dialogue when a character is talking to herself. Unless of course you intent to make her look crazy. Then that's perfectly fine.

 

NOTE(2): People know that the heart is in the chest, not necessary to repeat it. The change I made I did just because I thought it sounded nice, but you might have meant something different.

 

 

 

 

A dark Legacy.

 

Constructive criticism, wooo.

 

PS; This isn't some bull I invented because I think it's true. It's pulled from books I've read about writing, my personal writing experience and the criticism I've recieved before in my crit groups.

[monkeypoacher 8055]

um

 

some characters have problems

 

I guess mine need more

[-♣- Ƙindled -♣- 203]

 

I need to practice criticising so here.

 

 

Constructive criticism, wooo.

 

PS; This isn't some bull I invented because I think it's true. It's pulled from books I've read about writing, my personal writing experience and the criticism I've recieved before in my crit groups.

Don't criticise someone's work, if they don't ask for it.

[Lawrna 440]

(( I love this!

Though I must ask, who is this Yuln you're talking about? Not the frost witch, right? ;3

The Oussana's be cray, mayun. ))

[Kemp 71]

 

I need to practice criticising so here.

 

 

Constructive criticism, wooo.

 

PS; This isn't some bull I invented because I think it's true. It's pulled from books I've read about writing, my personal writing experience and the criticism I've recieved before in my crit groups.

 

((Um, that's rude and uncalled for. Don't criticize someone's work unless they ask for it. Makes you come off as a ****))

[MamaBearJade 2090]

(( I love this!

Though I must ask, who is this Yuln you're talking about? Not the frost witch, right? ;3

The Oussana's be cray, mayun. ))

 

((Yuln was a dark elf played by Cjmate8. And this thing is actually something that befalls Darkspire women. Z'ress's mother was Laila Darkspire,))

 

 

 

I need to practice criticising so here.

 

 

Constructive criticism, wooo.

 

PS; This isn't some bull I invented because I think it's true. It's pulled from books I've read about writing, my personal writing experience and the criticism I've recieved before in my crit groups.

 

((Thank you for that, I will look into improving.))

 

Don't criticise someone's work, if they don't ask for it.

 

((Its fine honestly ^_^))

[Praetor 1550]

((Um, that's rude and uncalled for. Don't criticize someone's work unless they ask for it. Makes you come off as a ****))

 

 

I knew someone was going to say it was rude. Well, if someone doesn't want to recieve (constructive) criticism for their work they should go hide it in a cave and never show it to anyone. Deal with it. (In RP) If she doesn't want it, she doesn't have to read it. I'm posting that in case she wants an outside perspective on her work. She can tell me herself if she doesn't appreciate it I think. Doesn't need a white knight to rush in brandishing his gentlemanly manners.

[Kemp 71]

 

 

I knew someone was going to say it was rude. Well, if someone doesn't want to recieve (constructive) criticism for their work they should go hide it in a cave and never show it to anyone. Deal with it. (In RP) If she doesn't want it, she doesn't have to read it. I'm posting that in case she wants an outside perspective on her work. She can tell me herself if she doesn't appreciate it I think. Doesn't need a white knight to rush in brandishing his gentlemanly manners.

 

((I'm not a white knight though, I bash on her for 90% of her posts. I just felt like being different that day. :(

[Glyc 234]

Moved to the Great Library. It shall be sorted into appropriate category shortly.