Valerica

[Criala 728]

Spoiler

 

 

Blue eyes held a dull look, trailing along the walls of the woman’s bedroom. Seated in a chair was a high elven woman. Held in her right hand was a sword, black wisps emitting from the blade.

 

Even after so long, at times, it still felt like he was going to be around a corner, waiting. Waiting for the perfect moment to try to capture what he considered to be his prey. There had been a time where it almost seemed like there was going to be no end to his torment. It’d been years since she’d seen him. He was dead as far as she knew. That didn’t stop the nagging feeling in the back of her mind, telling her to not let her guard down, to remain on alert. For he was a man that maybe even death would have a hard time stopping.

 

What if he showed up again one day? You thought he was gone before, Valerica. And then he appeared again. 

 

Her form grew even more tense at the thought. A slow sigh escaped her, fingers tightening around that hilt, her knuckles turning white. The line her lips thinned into left almost no space between them. Her free hand was on the arm of the chair, hand grasping the end of it. Her nails dug into the cushioned end, scratching at it. The fabric there began to fray, ever so slightly.

 

He wouldn’t leave you alone. He wouldn’t leave. He made you what you are now. A tool for murder. And it was so easy for him to do.

 

A snarl almost escaped, her face twisting. But her expression soon relaxed as the thought of Rothilion came to her mind. A light in the darkness she’d found herself in. The light she’d met in that Sutica tavern. Amidst how unsafe she had felt and the constant worry and paranoia of him showing up, Roth was her safe haven. A place where she didn’t have to feel that way, where she could feel safe and happy. Guidance to show her the way and where to go.

 

But he’s gone now, Valerica.

 

A hint of sadness washed over her face. There was an empty space left in her heart from when Rothilion had passed. It ached and ached, not lessening even with how many years since his passing. So long, too long, it had been since his sweet voice had called her ‘love’ or his ‘snowflake’. Without him being the one to say them, it just wasn’t quite the same. No one would be able to take his place in her heart.

 

Roth was the only good part of you. Look at the things you’ve done. The blood on your hands.

 

Out of instinct, her gaze shifted down to each of her hands. Deep crimson coated both of her hands. It even appeared to be dripping down the hilt of her sword, since it was clutched in her fingers. In the blink of an eye though, everything was back to normal. There was no blood on her hands or the hilt of her sword. Nothing at all.

 

Is there any hope for you to be good without him? Do you even want to be good?

 

A battle she often had with herself. Many people had fallen at her hands. So many people she’d hurt. All the things she’d done in the past… Could they ever be righted? There was also the fact of… people. Being good meant people, and she hated those. Everyone but a select few.. Rhaella, Estellise, Daemeon… They are worth the effort, aren’t they? The effort it would take to be good?

 

You couldn’t even keep your children alive, Valerica. How could you be good? 

 

A quiet, yet sharp, intake of breath, before it was slowly exhaled. None of her children were alive. She’d outlived all of them. Her shoulders curved forward somewhat, a slight slump forming as she leaned her weight against the left arm of the chair, her fingers relaxing so that her nails weren’t digging into the fabric there.

 

How could you ever hope to protect those you care about when you couldn’t even protect your children? Look how they ended up, where they ended up. 

 

Almost as soon as that thought had finished though, she shook her head, however slight a movement it was. No, that wasn’t true. Not all of her children were dead. Rhaella was still alive. Her niece by blood, but in actuality a daughter to her. Her God-daughter. So, she still had one of her children with her. One she would do anything for, sacrifice anything for. Her fingers started to fiddle with the ring around her left ring finger. The hilt of her sword was still clutched in her right hand.

 

What of Daemeon? Do you deserve him? After everything, do you deserve to be loved by him?

 

Her love for Daemeon was unwavering, and Daemon had pulled her out of that pit of despair she’d fallen into with Roth’s death, something she’d be forever grateful for. It was a struggle, as it always was, to not fall deeper and deeper. The few she cared about though, they were what kept her going, what kept her fighting off the thoughts she had. The ones that made her feel like she was  nothing more than her past. A cold-hearted murder. A tool to be used to take the lives of others. 

 

That is all you are, Valerica. It’s all there is to you. 

 

By now, she was doing her best to ignore the voice in the back of her mind. Whether what it was saying was true or not, she could look forward. Because of them, her loved ones, she was able to walk forward, try to move on from what she’d been in her past. Rhaella, Estellise, Daemeon, Rothilion, the rest of the Tathvirs…. They didn’t stop the internal battle she had going on, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last time she fought within herself, but they made it worth it. She could keep going forward, even if it was only for them. 

 

Art by Numirya

 

Spoiler

A writing commission that I did for @UwUuSoWarm!