That Cursed Day

[JadeStryuu 534]

 

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"Live with hope while you are alive, the flexible person always goes forward. I saw a house on fire, and on the door lay a dead man."

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Years have passed.

Years in which the memory of that day assails me like a disease, devouring from within. I close my eyes and see everything again, every damn detail etched into my flesh like a wound that will not heal. The wind cutting through my skin, my horse's hooves beating mercilessly on the earth, our mother's promise constantly screaming in my head,

“Protect her, never leave her alone.”

But I always did. I left you alone and it was the second time....

When I arrived, there you were, kneeling, dust mixing with tears on your cheeks. The bandits were laughing, holding you, taunting you, and I -- I stood still. I was prepared to fight, to kill if necessary. Yet, in front of them, in front of your fear, my voice died out. I petrified like a coward, unable to say a single word. Terror clutched my throat, and you saw. You saw my cowardice.

And then-then the blade shone for an instant. A blink, and blood painted the earth. Your blood. Your body collapsed like a broken doll, and I screamed. I screamed as if it could bring me back, as if my voice could rewrite reality. I clasped my hands around your wound, tried to stop the inevitable, but your warmth faded between my fingers.

I was there to save you. Yet I was only a spectator of your death.

I don't know what happened next. They say a miracle append, that your life was called back into your body. But what does it matter? What does it change? Your breath came back, but my heart died that day.

And now, years later, every day is a silent punishment. I live with this condemnation stamped on my skin, a memory that won't subside, a guilt that burns my insides. I spend my days saving lives, mending wounds, giving hope to those who think they have lost it. And yet, the one life that really mattered to save, the one wound that should never have existed, the one smile I had to protect--I lost it, if only for a moment.

Instead, you continued on your way, away from me. You are strong, stronger than I am, and I see it even now, even in your letters, in your tales of a life that seems perfect, built on foundations that I have broken. You always write with such sweetness, with a love I don't deserve. You ask me why we don't see each other more often, why I don't come back to you. But what could I say to you? How could I look into your eyes without feeling the weight of that day, without feeling remorse strangling me?

I always answer you with a few words. "I'm fine. Work keeps me busy. I'll see you someday, I promise."

But I know these are lies. I know it will never be enough. I hide, I keep away, because my silence is the only way I can keep from burdening your happiness. I don't want you to know how much I still suffer, how much I blame myself. I don't want you to feel you have to heal me when I am the one who should have protected you.

I did not keep my promise. I did not prevent them from harming you. And while you live, I rot in this guilt that envelops me like an eternal condemnation. No matter how much you smile at me, no matter how many times you try to tell me it wasn't my fault. It has been. It always will be.

I love you, my little one. But the darkness that surrounds me will never go away.

 

,

Eldest daughter of the

Auclair Household

 

 

Edited March 24, 2025 by JadeStryuu