Mind of a half orc

[Tayelikel 193]

 

Elphaba sits on the edge of her balcony sighing to herself. Closing her eyes as she lets her thoughts take her, it was days like this that were the most painful. she looked up at the setting sun and bit her lower lip.
"I miss you" she murmurs. to herself. how ironic that the day her son died, would also be the day of her mates death, years later. Keeping to herself. Elphaba never let her clan, her brothers see her in such brokenness. The strong willed spirit she put on. Was no where on this day. So she locked herself away in her home, alone, to overcome her own mental struggle, refusing to show the broken side that she bared.

"How pathetic am i?" She thought to herself as she rested her head on the wall. Memories of the pool of blood coming from her sons head, stomach and neck plays with a absolute Vividness it made her cringe. She could remember everything. Down to the temperature and feel of the doorknob to talions room when she entered it to see him on the floor limp, dead. She remembered Sitting in the grass outside her home when a passing by orc, informed her of sharkus death 

"Hey ****, your mates dead" The voice rang in her head. Thats how her clan treated her, Thats how much respect they had for her. There were times she wondered why she bothered to stay with the orcs. Putting herself through the mental anguish of being a second rate person was a burden she had been carrying sense her birth. Then she remembered the elves, how they tried to imprison her in the city, take her child, How they were the ones who killed her son. The orcs were far from perfect, but they were the lesser of two evils. She could be strong, put on a brave face, ignore the disrespect. As long as she kept to herself, nothing hurt her.

Elphaba looked up to the sky "I miss you both...so, much" she murmurs. getting up and kneeling by a small alter she had made to be used for remembrance of her fallen son and love. She closed her eyes. As if trying to find a part of her that was missing. A void that seemed empty, lost. Like a place that's so familiar, safe, warm. Being destroyed and forever gone in a single moment. Elphaba would never see or hold her fallen loved ones again. That she knew, time had helped her heal at least that far. How generous She thought to herself. That the only relief i get, is by knowing there in a better place. while im left here to face this damned world. She takes a breath, shaking her head a moment, not that she wasn't grateful for her son and love being where they could thrive. It was pain, pain of being away from them. not having them with her all the while being mocked, disrespected and ultimately being pushed aside by her clan. Elphaba looked up to the sky. the realization that her need for a belonging was an entirely other void drained her even more. How was it that the more she tried. The further she felt like she failed.

Elphaba looked from the sky to the sandy dunes. "Fail...fail...thats all i do...fail" she murmurs in nothing more then a whisper. With her first husband killed before her eyes, her first son murdered. her first daughter leaving and never being found, along with her adopted sister. to sharkus death. Elphabas mind taunted her with all the failures of her life. "is that my curse" she murmured to herself brokenly "to fail, to never have peace" her hands balled up. "I just want to....feel...full" she slipped out the last words as her broken void tugged at her thoughts. more memories of her failures looping through her thoughts. "i cant be a mother, a elf, a orc, im never good enough...not to be treated as a equal..not good enough to be high shaman" tears well up and fall from her eyes "Im only...a half blood...tainted. my own people forbid me from have kids, they dont want me, or my blood" she clenches her fist. thinking of how she could fall in love, and yet not be a full family. it pained her, the fact that what she desired most was forbidden to her all because of her blood made the pain all the worse. What else could she fail at, how could anyone want or care, love such a failure.she shakes her head and looks to the alter "perhaps...its best...im cursed to lose anyone i love, all my children...are gone...i cant..." she stops. Even if she were to have another child, would she want to. knowing the risk, and the burden it would put on them. She shook her head vilolently "I cant wish this on anyone...the monsters i face...My son, i haven't seen him in such a long time,i cant have that again..."

"I cant...give up though...can i" The vivid flash of Elphaba cutting her wrist, of falling off a cliff into a river. play in her head, her failed attempts to end her life creep up on her. She shakes her head vigorously to be rid the thoughts as she forces her focus elsewhere. On the alter. on whats important.

She lights the vigils, and takes a few breaths, Remembering the first time she held her son in her arms, how daylen would comfort her after her nightmares. Memories of sharku teaching her the orc ways, saving her from being whitewash. The first time they said i love you to eachother, how he would hold her, and remind her that her blood wasn't what made her. Sharku taunting her because of her small stature and then sparing with her, which would always end in a loving kiss. her daughter growing up, standing up for herself in the ugz, and Elphaba bringing her up with honor. As the memories play for elphaba, her stomach falls a moment and she begins to pray to the spirits. Praying for peace of mind, for her loved ones souls, and for her future

Elphaba's vow to her family. The promise to live headstrong like a orc, fires a ember of determination once a year she thinks to herself once a year, then, i am strong again. Putting her dark and broken thoughts behind her. pushing them to the furthest part of her mind, she begins to think of her future; and the words of one she cares for. the one who, if she were being honest with herself,  she loved. if she took the chance to let her heart be healed. you are good, and strong, you will be happy. ill make sure of it. Elphaba wipes her eyes of the tears that fall down her cheek and takes a breath "i want to be" she murmurs softly until her voice trails off "I will be strong...i will do what i need to..."

"I will be a daughter of krug..."

Edited September 30, 2015 by Ritoru

[Angmarzku 1251]

(Amazing and interesting story! Sad and emotional but its great...brings up emotions to everyone that reads this. +1 For this cool topic Elphaba should have more respect in my opinion)

"Everything is going to be alright Elphaba...

Edited September 30, 2015 by Angmarzku

[Sporadic 2844]

"Someone should tell her it's all about being popular" Ellir cogitates

[Bvie 1754]

Is she a green skin that wears black and a pointy hat? Does she have issues fitting in? Does she ride a broom?

[Travista 1361]

"Zurvez duh witewuzh bich rite," Shreck'Lak ponders from the depths of his murky swamp.

[James 425]

Moved to the Archive. It shall be sorted into the appropriate category shortly.