Aradul Frostforge

[Squire Red 13]

Aradul was smarter than the average dwarf and his wits had saved him many times, one such time was when a bear who decided to rummage through his equipment and play with his body like a childrens toy. A choice it would later regret at the end of a wooden spear. This was his most treasured moment and a fitting start to this epic journey he now found himself on. Aradul's home was attacked, he was driven away. He lost his family, his new born child and beautiful wife, Aradul had nothing left of value in this world apart from the clothes on his back and he wanted answers and he wanted them bad.

 

Step one on his journey was simple, he picked a direction and just walked while gathering anything of value along the way. He came across the bear which you know all about, there were plenty of thieves too. On one of these occasions a theif posing as a merchant approached the dwarf but unluckily for the theif he wasn't aware that Aradul was paying attention and noticed the sharp blade he was producing from the inside of his robe. Aradul lashed out at the man and the blade went flying, Aradul stood over him and picked him up by the back of the neck before placing him back down and poking a firm finger into his chest, the theif took the chance and ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction leaving Aradul chuckling at the sight.

 

This man who had seen so much, experienced so much seemed almost detached from the reality he lived in. He had learnt to detach himself from relationships after the loss of his loved ones and this is where his adventure was to began, as a broken man in a broken world simply looking for a way to see reason for everything that had happened to him.

 

(This is not a full length story, this is simple a profile and history of my character 'Aradul Frostforge' The same dwarf from my other story 'The Great Bear')

 

[Bogrin 120]

19 minutes ago, Squire Red said:

Aradul was a smarter than average dwarf and his wits had saved him many times, from the bear who decided to help itself to his equipment.

Aradel was smarter than THE average dwarf. Moreover, this is a run on sentence, it can however be remedied.

"... had saved him many times. One such time was from a bear, who had decided to help itself to his equipment." 

Putting why a bear might want to use equipment aside, it is a grammatically correct fix, even if a bit out of place in the overall narrative.

 

19 minutes ago, Squire Red said:

A choice it would later regret at the end of a wooden spear, this was his most treasured moment and a fitting start to this epic journey he now found himself on. Aradul's home was attacked, he was driven away. He lost his parents, brothers, sisters, his child and wife, Aradul had nothing left of value in this world apart from the clothes on his back so he left in search of a better life, he wanted to search for answers.

The first sentence and the last run on, and the second is a fragment. After wooden spear put a period and capitalize "this". You could put an oxford comma after "treasured moment" if you want to be tidy, but it is unnecessary to say the least. The next sentence, as previously mentioned, is a fragment. This can be fixed by simply adding an "and" before "he was driven away". The third sentence is a real mess, but can be consolidated and cleaned in a manner of ways. First, summarize his losses into merely "He had lost his entire family". If you want to be specific for some plot reason, you could specify something like "including his beautiful wife and newborn babe," but the list you currently have is unwieldy. After this put a period of course and then clean things up by saying "Aradul had nothing left in this world except the clothes on his back, and the fire in his heart." Its rather cliche, but come on your family was killed and you are setting out for answers, I don't think you are looking for a pulitzer. All in all, you really need to watch for run on sentences, and keep the lengths varied in general for a more enjoyable reading experience. 

 

19 minutes ago, Squire Red said:

 

Step one on his journey was simple, he picked a direction and just walked while gathering anything of value along the way. He came across the bear which you know all about, there were plenty of theives too. On one of these occassions a theif posing as a merchant approached the dwarf but unluckily for the theif he wasn't aware that Aradul was paying attention and noticed the sharp blade he was producing from the inside of his robe. Aradul lashed out at the man and the blade went flying, Aradul stood over him and picked him up by the back of the neck before placing him back down and poking a firm finger into his chest, the theif took the chance and ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction leaving Aradul chuckling at the sight.

 

This man who had seen so much, experienced so much seemed almost detatched from the reality he lived in. He had learnt to detach himself from relationships after the loss of his loved ones and this is where his adventure was to began, as a broken man in a broken world simply looking for a way to see reason for everything that happens.

Quite a few spelling errors, such as occasions, thieves and thief, and detached. Other that this you have the same issues with run on sentences as in the previous excerpt. I could correct these if you like, but it is fairly low level grammar and I am sure you can remedy them with what you already know, and with what I have previously written. Make sure you vary your sentence length, use proper syntax, and just use an online thesaurus maybe to get some spice into your diction.

 

Overall, I have seen worse.

 

[Elad™ 560]

Moved to the Archive. It shall be sorted into the appropriate category shortly.