The Wizard Quarterly

[Sagwort 833]

Issue No. 4

11th of the First Seed, 1589

 

 

A Note to our Readership

With the recent, and perhaps all too predictable, failure of the Galdorcreft College of the Archduchy of Lorraine, the Wizard Quarterly has now passed into the hands of the enigmatic Worshipful Fraternity of Wizards, Sorcerers, Warlocks and Casters (Not necessarily in that order), otherwise known as W.F.W.

 

The Worshipful Fraternity hopes to regularly release new issues of the Wizard Quarterly at a semi-regular time or whenever, one can’t be too certain about these sorts of things as wizards are notoriously flaky.

 

Regardless, with the release of this issue, the College of Galdorcreft as hereby been placed in the ever capable hands of the Worship Fraternity.  However, Galdorcreft itself is still in use, I’m not sure for what.  Any future qualms and queries about the Wizard Quarterly must now be taken up with a member of the Fraternity, head of publications, to be exact… whoever that is.

 

Thank you for your understanding and have a wonderful, bountiful lustful day,

Chief Editor, Enoch Solomons

 

 

The Domestic Charm

A Spell for Summoning Daemons

An advanced spell given to the ancient sages in return for sexual favors by the daemons of old.

Procedure

1. Before one may begin they must attract the demon from the immortal planes of yore through an antediluvian and eldritch ritual.  Begin by wearing the traditional robes of summoning, made from 50% cotton 50% polymer blend, dry clean only, cold iron, leave out to air dry.

2. One must stand just outside of a pentacle drawn when the sun kisses the hills.

3. Place one’s left foot firmly into the pentacle.

4. Swiftly take one’s left out of the pentacle.

5. Place one’s left foot firmly into the pentacle.

6. Vigorously shake it all about.

7. Now do the [Insert daemon name, ie. Hokie-Pokie]

8. Rightly turn oneself around.

 

That is what it is all about.

 

 

A Poem

By: Anonymous

 

Standing is stupid,

Crawling’s a curse,

Skipping is silly,

Walking is worse,

Hopping is hopeless,

Jumping’s a chore,

Sitting is senseless,

Leaning’s a bore,

Running’s ridiculous,

Jogging’s insane-

Guess I’ll go upstairs and

Lie down again.

 

 

A Glimpse into the Worshipful Fraternity

 

Now dear readers, I have been strictly told by the Worship Fraternity of Wizards, Sorcerers, Warlocks and Casters (Not necessarily in that order) to speak very little about what dealings actually occur behind the star covered curtain.  However, I was able to leak this small amount of information on the nature of the W.F.W.

 

To my understanding, the Fraternity is more of gentlemen’s social club (not an academy, research institution or secret magocratic council), highly exclusive for all concerned.  The entire Fraternity seems to be divided into three separate Orders, members of the Fraternity are placed in each Order based upon their level of initiation and overall appeal to the fellow who run the Fraternity.  I managed to jot down a quick list of the general structure, though I most likely missed quite a few, they were on me like extremely slow moving, elderly cheetahs.

 

The First Order

Brotherhood of the Arcane-Mystic-Eldritch-Occult-Cabalistic Esoterics

______________⤞O⤝______________

1. Zelator

1.1. Theoricus

1.2. Robe Washer

1.3. Hat Washer

1.4. Beard Groomer

2. Practicus

2.1. Magician

2.2. Greater Scholar

2.3. Grand Beard Groomer

2.3.1. Respected Goo-goo

3. Philosophus

3.1. Esoteric Sophist

3.2. Greater Magician

4. Dominus Liminis (Head of the Order)

 

The Second Order

Mystic Order of the Ancient Brotherhood of the Eternal Circle

______________⤞O⤝______________

4. Adeptus Minor

4.1. Lesser Toad

4.2. Sublime Salamander

4.3. Regal Newt

5. Adeptus Major

5.1. Sorcerer

5.2. Greater Sorcerer

5.2.1. Sorcerer of the Silver Star

5.3. Elder Sorcerer

6. Adeptus Exemptus

6.1. Exalted Magician

6.1.1. Venerated Guardian of East Gate

6.1.2. Exalted Protector of the West Gate

6.1.3. Transcended Watcher of the South Gate

6.1.4. North Gate Observer

6.2. Adept of Pentacles

6.3. Master of Pentacles (Head of the Order)

 

The Third Order

Venerable and Elucidated Council of the Ebon Night of the Brethren….something, something, something (I was running out of time), of the Purple Eye

______________⤞O⤝______________

7. Magister Templi (Master of Mysteries)

7.1. High Wizard

7.1.1. Chief Wizard

7.2. Grand Sorcerer

7.2.1. Justicar

7.2.2. Justivan

7.2.3. Justiwheel

7.3. Archmage

7.3.1. Domemage

7.4. UNINTELLIGIBLE

7.4.1. UNINTELLIGIBLE

7.4.2 Something about thigh gaps?

8. Magus

8.1. Grand Magus

8.2. Grander Magus

8.2.1. Transcended Staff Bearer

8.2.1.1. Transcended Staff Bear

8.3. Grandest Magus

8.3.1. oiouyviuv

8.4. Supreme Grandmaster Magus

9. Ipsissimus (Head of the Order)

 

I should have no idea what the responsibilities or duties of any of these particular titles and ranks have to do with anything, it is all quite mystical, you see.  The initiation process is highly selective.  Now...

 

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE W.F.W.

 

 

REMEMBER CASTERS, TRUE WIZARDS EMBODY THE FOUR W’S:

 

WISDOM

WIZARDY

WELL-KNOWN

WHISKERS

 

AND STOP LOOKING TO THE WEST, THERE’S NOTHING INTERESTING OVER THERE.

 

 

The Quarterly Witticism

 

“Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, etc.”

 

• Supreme Grandmaster Sorcerer Yiodulus

 

 

If you wish to post an advertisement within the Wizard Quarterly, send a letter to the Worshipful Fraternity of Wizards  with at least 100 minas, or a precious gem, or a priceless family heirloom (preferably cursed).

 

Have a wonderful, bountiful, and lustful day.

[ARCHITECUS 4788]

Abbe Onfroi, merely a humble Archdeacon of the Canonist Church, gasps.

"What is a 'polymer'?"

[herculean_wud 3662]

this is cool. good read))

[Boomzerang 515]

A wonderful read. I will be sure to look into performing this in the future.

[Man of Respect 5471]

1 hour ago, Sagwort said:

An advanced spell given to the ancient sages in return for sexual favors by the daemons of old.

 

Eath'Lur gets really excited to try out said spell.

[Reeg_ 75]

An elf chuckles to himself as he reads the paper. "I hope these wizards aren't too flaky in publishing their next issue...this is the best paper I've seen in some time. Maybe I'll look into that domestic charm..." 

 

((Also, nice poet selection. 

[Sagwort 833]

Issue No. 5

13th of the Deep Cold, 1394

 

 

Dr. Ibar Elsiol, Wiz.D. Voted Sexies Wizard Alive (Again)

Dr. Ibar Elsiol, Wiz.D.

 

Wizards across the realm agree, Dr. Ibar Elsiol is the sexiest wizard alive, though no amount of fervor or lipido can tame this lusty lynx of a man, though we are near certain he is a virgin.  We managed to find locate him for an interview about this life changing triumph:

 

Dr. Elsiol, what will you do now that you are the sexiest wizard alive?

 

“YAAAAAAAAAS.”

 

To those curious, Dr. Elsiol is a highly eligible bachelor despite his raging addictions to gambling, alcohol, and domestic abuse.

 

 

The Domestic Charm

A Spell to End Heartbreak

An ancient spell used to liberate a heart bound by love assonder.

Reagents

• Beeswax Candles: brown, green, blue, off white,

• Rose incense

• Ground white sage

• Fireproof, heavy vessel

• Large bag

Procedure

1. Light the candles twenty days hindmost the event after the heartbreak occurred.  Light them in order of off white, blue, green and brown.

2. Fill the vessel with white sage and rose incense on a the 1st of the Deep Cold.

3. Draw a octagram around the vessel, making sure the vessel is exposed to the moonlight

4. Repeat the following incantation:

 

“My faults it be not,

Forever she forgets me not,

She blames me for their inner strife,

Left me broken, with doubts of life.

My strength returned,

Her dominance slipped,

I’ll be mine own person,

Strong, cleansed and pure.

With harm to one,

This spell be done,

This is my will,

SO MOTE IT BE!

 

5. Now bring the vessel and large bag and locate the house of the heartbreaker.

6. Use the vessel to break down the locked door of the house and then to smack the **** out of the heartbreaker.

7. Place the body of the heartbreaker into a large bag along with the heavy vessel.

8. Tie the bag and drop the bag with the body and vessel to the bottom of a large lake.

9. Change your name, shave off your fingerprints, your beard, and move to a different city.

 

A Poem

By: Anonymous

 

Nuffin nuffin nuffin

Rhymes with muffin

Does not rhyme with orange

Could it be

That a cup of tea

Is not as good with an orange

As a muffin?

 

 

TOP FIVE MAGICS

A publication by BeeFood of the Interwebbing Society of Connected Mages

“Compiling lists so you don’t have to”

 

(5)  Electrical Evocation

Have you ever been running late getting ready for a night out and caught a glimpse of your reflection to see that your hair is flat and ordinary? Shock your way to shabby chic and you’ll know why we think summoning the power of lightning deserves to be on this list.

 

(4)  Wards

1550s kids will remember nestling up under a duvet with a self locking diary. A simple whispered code like “Hiebe has rickets” and *snap* shuts the binder, hiding away your secret crush from all nosey onlookers. There’s nothing worse than your little brother or a filthy necromancer sneaking in to steal the secrets of your lovelife. But that worry is far removed with the right kind of ward. Also great for pranks.

 

(3)  Cognitism

Next to water evocation, nothing aids in getting washing done quite like cognitism. Thanks to the mathematical measurements on your Heads Up Display, you’ll never leave your fanciest robes in to soak too long and end up with a bleached patch between your navel and knees and have to borrow a druid’s evening robe to avoid the embarrassment, which is probably more embarrassing.

 

(2)  Illusion

In this economic climate one can be forgiven for not owning a full set of silver for entertaining dinner guests. But when you’re trying to make a good impression the table setting is your groundwork from which the whole soiree is established. Taking those wooden plates and laying them upon your slanted refurbished dining table never felt so good when it appears as the finest china, lit magnificently by a 40 candle chandelier. Who cares if the rafters aren’t designed to carry that load, all that matters is the imaginary status points that your imaginary light fixture grants.

 

(1)  Arcane Shielding

For centuries it was the lost art of Master Wizards. Now thanks to some hefty research, fatal trial and error, and an 8 step guide from scrub to master, literally anyone can wield the raw power of unshackled energy as a shield against poo-flingers. Today the necessary accessory for strutting the mean streets of Johannesburg is a shield against figurative and literal projectile feces.

 

 

The Quarterly Witticism

 

“Do not look to the west, do not go to the west, there is nothing interesting over there.”

 

- Who knows

 

 

If you wish to post an advertisement within the Wizard Quarterly, send a letter to the Worshipful Fraternity of Wizards  with at least 100 minas, or a precious gem, or a priceless family heirloom (preferably cursed).

Have a wonderful, bountiful, and lustful day.

[Daisy 9735]

Moved to The Great Library. It shall be sorted into the appropriate category shortly.

 

If you feel this is a mistake, please contact myself or any FM and we'll restore it.