NEWSPAPER - THE GRAPEVINE

[Draeris 3124]

THE GRAPEVINE 

Lending you the finest whispers in town

1st Edition, Helena

 

THE GRAPEVINE is an occasionally published scroll for folk throughout the Empire; taking the task of sharing the news from the capital with the utmost seriousness. We believe that the Empire dies in darkness, leaving us no other choice but to bring light upon Imperial affairs for those that might not be privy to it. 

 

SOMETHING BETTER THAN MINAS

IMPERIAL TREASURER caught CHEATING with another

An artists’ interpretation of Peter’s nighttime affairs

 

It caused quite a ruckus when Peter de Sarkozy, Imperial Treasurer and brother of the Lord-Protector, was caught being intimate with another woman in the lover’s boat in the back of the Helenian taverne. While at first denying the accusations levied by reliable witnesses, some of which are rumoured to be apart of the Privy Council, Peter de Sarkozy had no choice but to face his disgusting & sinful behaviour, unbecoming of a servant of GOD and the Lord-Protector.

 

Realizing the gravity of his decadency: de Sarkozy pleaded with Archchancellor and man of GOD, Peter the Poor, to be detained so that he may repent for his sins. The Archchancellor suggested a mere house arrest however, being the forgiving soul that he is. The many onlookers in the tavern feared involvement, although some expressed their nuanced disappointment anonymously by shouting. Despite many attempts, Peter de Sarkozy didn’t manage to find himself detained as he wished, leaving him no choice but to accept the harshest punishment possible: returning to his wife.

 

The Church of the Canon refused to comment whether Peter de Sarkozy would be persecuted for defiling his sanctified union. Is the Church selective in its enforcement of GOD’S LAW? 

 

BROTHERLY FEUD TURNED POETIC

Undersecretary of labour THROWS Solicitor-General in the CANAL

Jon-Paul throws Bohemond

 

An unusual sight to behold on the town’s square, as Jon-Paul de Leumont threw his brother, Bohemond de Leumont, directly into the canal. What caused the altercation is uncertain, but multiple witnesses reported Katrien de Ruyter sadistically laughing and clapping as her sensual subordinate Jon-Paul dragged the whining Solicitor-General towards the edge of the canal, throwing him in despite the screaming. 

 

What followed were three pathetic attempts of the frail bureaucrat to climb onto the boat, whilst Katrien reportedly laughed maniacally while dancing in circles. The Solicitor-General remained unharmed, to the disappointment of many that were fed up by the flamboyant chaos that surrounded the figure. 

 

A bard who wanted to remain anonymous, said that most of his artistic colleagues in the sewers were happy to see an Imperial bureaucrat abused like this. Rumours say that a soon to be published poem telling the tale of Jon-Paul, the bureaucrat thrower, will be under the eyes of common folk soon.

NEW DISEASE IN HELENA?

What causes the EPIDEMIC of INDEPENDENT WOMEN

Women bitching in the town square

 

Whether you talk about the hysterical guard Lucy Devorax, Julia Adelaide verbally abusing bystanders with her argument about status, the Capet damsel insulting government officials or the five fake FEMALE testimonies in “The Trial of Knives”, many citizens wonder why these damsels are acting up. 

 

Ever since construction began of the aqueduct: the ladies of the realm became unable to properly behave. Making intelligence officials confused as to who the potential rebellion threat is: “You’d think that NAFTA or Lorrainian sleeper agents would be our priority”, a spy would explain to us behind the oversized throne of the Lord-Protector: “Yet if we apply the common characteristics of future rebels, such as inciting chaos, disrespecting authority, undermining legitimacy and rejecting the established hierarchy, the primary suspects are all women of Helena”. Our source confirmed that the suspicious timing of the aqueduct with the acting up of women is not an accident: “One of our theories is that the Kingdom of Hanseti-Ruska puts certain chemicals in the water, causing people to collectivize and dilute Imperial authority. The aqueduct obviously transports this tainted water in larger quantities. And who washes our clothes in the feces-filled canals? Exactly, the women. But nobody is taking this threat seriously.”

 

When THE GRAPEVINE wanted to ask Simon Basrid, Secretary of Intelligence, whether the spy’s claims held any truth, he kept repeating “we can’t confirm nor deny” and walking away from us. As the Imperial Government stays blind to this ongoing crisis, THE GRAPEVINE advises all Imperial Citizens to do the following: Stop being in proximity to women.

[amyselia 2962]

"This newspaper is awfully biased to the perspective of a certain Leumont brother... I fear he might've accidentally published his personal journal instead." Says Lorena Christina, petting a black cat ominously to embody the described evilness of her sex.

[Boonay 50]

i dislike women as well

[TheNunnery 1853]

End All E-Girls

[MadOne 4945]

Very evil Haenseman Wilheim Barclay clinked mugs with his evil mastermind King Andrik as they watched a bunch of also very evil Brotherhood of Saint Karl soldiers pour "Haense Rebellion Juice(tm)" into the canal.

[monkeypoacher 8055]

“Rubbish!” Joseph Nicéphore spat, enraged that such a publication would air such allegations against his beloved cousin.

[Draeris 3124]

8 minutes ago, MadOne said:

Very evil Haenseman Wilheim Barclay clinked mugs with his evil mastermind King Andrik as they watched a bunch of also very evil Brotherhood of Saint Karl soldiers pour "Haense Rebellion Juice(tm)" into the canal.

[!] Haense fiddled while Oren burned at the behest of untamed ladies!

[bickando 3967]

“They’re turning our frickin frogs gay...” mutters William, appalled at the possibility of a woman uprising as he eyes his wife and daughters suspiciously.