"Dear Bianca, I Feel Like A Ghost." Dear Bianca: A Life Advice Column, Issue No. 2

[Urahra 5781]

 

Dear Bianca: A Life Advice Column

Issue No. 2 - "Dear Bianca, I Feel Like A Ghost."

 

 

Dear Bianca,

 

At my late 70s, I am growing old in my years on this mortal coil and my relationship with my wife is not as it used to be. Gone are the days that we would walk the cobbles of New Reza in the morning and be in each others’ arms by the evening. Instead we're both silent and asleep by 8 o'clock sharp. Is there some arcane spell to re-discover our young love... and will my wife notice if I gave some to the young divorcee next door?

 

Sincerely,

A Sleepless Septuagenarian

 

Dear Sleepless Septuagenarian,

 

Let's put one thing on the table first and foremost - I will never, never, never advise infidelity. I consider myself a devout Canonist and infidelity is a violation against the sacrament of marriage. Now, I don't know what faith you profess. However, you swore before whatever version of GOD you worship that you would remain loving, loyal, and faithful to your wife. Put any thoughts of that young divorcee out of your head at once. If you want to save your marriage, you can't be lusting after other women. 

 

My first piece of advice is, have you talked to your wife about why your marriage has grown so cold and loveless? Honest communication is the foundation of any healthy, lasting relationship. There are myriad reasons why your wife might be distant. I don't have enough information to divine the source of her unhappiness from your letter alone, so you need to do some investigation. Raise your concerns with your wife. Don't be angry or confrontational - just say "I'm worried you and I are growing apart. Is there anything I can do to make you happier as a husband?" 

 

If your wife is unwilling to talk, speak with her friends and see if you can gain their insight. They might know things about her that you don't. Women often confide things in their friends that they would not tell their spouses. Once you understand why exactly your wife is cold and distant, you'll be able to work on a way to fix it. 

 

In terms of just general advice, I would encourage you to be attentive to her. Ask her about her day. Talk to her. Solicit her opinions. Take an active interest in her hobbies. Go out on the town and do things you enjoy together. (Call me biased, but it's always good fun to see a theater show. Or better yet, audition for one together!) Give her gifts. They don't have to be extravagant or expensive - just little trinkets to let her know you're thinking of her. Write love poems and letters. Remind her of how pretty and desirable she is. Cook for her. Travel together, if you still have the ability. Reminisce together about happy times in the past. If you put effort into showing you care, she'll respond to you.

 

They don't tell you this in the plays and romance novels, but love - real love - takes effort. It's a conscious decision you make every single day. You must choose whether or not to be loving. Love isn't simply a thing that happens. Love takes time and work. If no one's willing to do the work, love dies. However... the work must be split equally between both parties. If you're the only one doing the work, then the relationship is already over. As it stands, it seems like neither of you are contributing. So put in a little elbow grease and see if your wife responds.

 

Signed,
Bianca La Fleur

 

 

Bianca,

 

I really just feel like people look right through me. I don't know what to do, I just feel so... transparent.

 

A Ghost

 

Dear Ghost,

 

We live in a world of great mystery and magic. Which means that you may, in fact, be a literal ghost writing to me today. For the purposes of this letter, I am going to assume you are using the term 'ghost' metaphorically rather than literally.

 

If you are truly a person and not a specter risen from beyond the grave, then your feelings of transparency might stem from a number of causes. Perhaps you're suffering from shyness. Maybe there's a lack of meaningful connections in your life. Perhaps you perceive your talents are unappreciated and your efforts unacknowledged. Maybe you feel alienated from your community. Maybe all of the above. These maladies are often comorbid with one another.

 

The sad fact of life is that other people do not owe us their love, their friendship, their respect, their acknowledgement. As much as we desire companionship and esteem, we are not at liberty to demand those things. Other people have no obligation to care for us. In order to be worthy of acknowledgement, caring, friendship, love... we must put forth effort. In other words, if you want people to acknowledge and care for you, you must subject yourself to the oft humiliating ordeal of being known. People will not come to you. Instead, you must go to them.

 

If you're a shy person like me, the thought of putting yourself out there is - in a word - torturous. After all, what if people don't like you? What if you're rejected? What if people make fun of you? These are all real, painful possibilities. However... while rejection is painful, it won't kill you unless you let it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained - if you'd allow me to use a cliché. The reward, if you're successful, is far greater than any punishment suffered for failure.

 

My advice is to find a community you'd like to join. A group or a cause. Military service, guild membership, political activism, even commitment to the church. Anything that brings you in regular contact with a group of people. Engage with the other members of your group as much as possible. Ask them questions. People love answering questions, especially about themselves. Make plans to meet with them outside of your group. Court them. Show interest. You must be proactive. The worst that anyone can do is tell you 'no.' Don't let fear of rejection hold you hostage. Once you overcome your fear of 'no', the world is your oyster.

 

It helps to remember that, while cruel people exist and you will unfortunately run into them from time to time, most people are not cruel. Have faith in the goodness of others. If you show interest and enthusiasm for others, they will oftentimes return your efforts with vigor.

 

Good luck and Godspeed, my dear Ghost. May you someday happily return to life.

 

Signed,

Bianca La Fleur

 

 

Dear Bianca La Fleur,

 

My family is quite wealthy, but my sister married poor. We all supported the union, and I even lent my new brother-in-law several thousand mina to fund a business venture that would have allowed him to support his new family. But now I have not heard from him since I handed off the money and neither he or my sister are anywhere to be found. I hadn't bothered with a written contract, so I have no legal recourse to recover the funds even if I were sure it were the right thing to do. It has been four saints' weeks since I have seen either of them. How do I handle the situation?

 

Signed,

Been Had in Haense

 

Dear Been Had In Haense,

 

I must preface this letter by saying I am not a lawyer. But! I did go to the library and dig up a copy of the Haurul Caezk. Under Haensi law, a contract is defined as a legally binding agreement between two people. Interestingly, a contract need not be written to be consider valid. We can infer from the phrasing of the law that a verbal agreement can indeed function as a contract. 

 

I don't know the full details of your situation, but it seems to me that your agreement with your brother-in-law fulfills all the legal requirements of a contract. You bestowed the money to him conditionally - with the condition being that he use it to open a business and support your sister. He didn't do that. Instead, he took the minas and ran. That means you are within your rights to sue him for breach of contact.

 

My advice would be to get a lawyer on retainer as soon as possible. Lucky for you, Haense is home to some of the best and brightest legal minds humanity has ever known. Your lawyer should be able to provide you with answers on how to recover your lost funds. The first step, I think, would be to issue a Summons to the Aulic Court. From there, your lawyer should be able to help you navigate the intricacies of your case. With luck, you'll see the matter settled.

 

Signed, 

Bianca La Fleur

 

 

Dear Bianca La Fleur,

 

I want to give my wife an extravagant gift to celebrate our upcoming anniversary, but the only ideas I have seem either tacky or cliched, or both. Do you have any ideas?

 

Thanks,
Gift-Giving Groom

 

Dear Gift-Giving Groom,

 

Ah, that most troublesome of romantic tribulations... gift-shopping. I simply despise gift-shopping. Nothing makes me more anxious. What if I buy the wrong thing? What if they don't like it? What if they already own something better? Sometimes, you just want to hand your loved ones a wad of minas and tell them to buy their own damn gift. Luckily, I've devised a few simple suggestions to help you navigate these treacherous waters.

 

Suggestion One - Search for items that tell a story.

 

History can add a spark of life and prestige to otherwise unremarkable gifts. Search the market for antique clothes, jewelry, and furniture from a bygone era. Familiarize yourself with its pedigree so that you can share it with your wife. I'm sure she'll feel very proud and beautiful knowing her new necklace once sat upon the throat of an empress. 

 

Alternately, find a unique item made by a craftsman of skill and repute. Talk with the artisan in detail about how it's made, what makes it special and different. Or commission something custom for your wife. Base the design on symbols and colors that have meaning to you as a couple (ex. a pendant featuring your wife's favorite stone with floral details chosen according to her favorite flower). One-of-a-kind items have an inherent specialness to them, even more so if they reflect your bride's specific interests and preferences. 

 

Suggestion Two - Don't underestimate the power of service.

 

Acts of service can be just as valuable as any material gift. Perhaps there's a chore that your wife dreads. She would be overjoyed to find out that you took care of it while she was enjoying a spa day, perhaps. Hire someone to give the house a thorough cleaning. Or cook her favorite dish to be enjoyed by candlelight. Do the grocery shopping for her. Watch the children so that she can go out on the town and enjoy time with friends. Find some way to lift her burdens and responsibilities - even if only temporarily. 

 

Suggestion Three - Time spent together is always more valuable than any material good.

 

Clothing and jewelry fall out of fashion over time. Furniture can get broken. Items lost or stolen. The only things that stay with a person throughout their life - barring any unfortunate head injuries or diagnoses of dementia - are memories. Spend your money on experiences and events rather than physical items. Go on a trip and visit some exotic locale. Stay there for a month or two and drink in the local color. Take her out on the town. Go to a ball together. Go sailing. Go hunting. Go exploring. Camp out under the stars - just the two of you. Meet new people. Learn about a new culture together. You'll make memories worth sharing around the dinner table when you're old and grey. There's nothing more magical than the words 'Remember when we...?'

 

Suggestion Four - Take your wife gift-shopping with you.

 

If all else fails, you can simply... ask her what she wants most. Invite her to come shopping with you. I know that, at first blush, this sounds horribly unromantic. However, done right, it's anything but. Not only will she find a gift that she's sure to love, you'll get the memory of shopping together. Make a day of it. Next time there's a trade fair in Helena, you can take her to the fair. Enjoy the festival atmosphere, get some delicious fair food, and pick out the perfect gift that you both will love. 

 

I guarantee that if you take my advice into consideration, you'll have a very happy wife. 

 

Signed, 

Bianca La Fleur

 

 

 

Dear Bianca is a production of J.D. Chapel & Associates. All opinions expressed in this periodical are the opinions of Ms. Yuliya Styrne a.k.a Bianca La Fleur. We do not accept legal responsibility for the outcome of any advice offered. Please enact Ms. La Fleur's suggestions at your own risk.

 

Letters are edited for clarity, spelling, and succinctness with any and all identifying information removed for the security of the writers.

 

If you have a query for Bianca La Fleur, you may reach her at the Ruthern Estate in the county of Metterden.

[Hanrahan 2983]

Dear Bianca,

 

I am a family man with two children at home. However - I am, (and always have been) always very enamored with my wife. Unfortunately, a great deal of our time has been spent raising our children, and given us little time to spend with each other. How do I balance being a Father who's there for his children when they need him - and a Husband who's there for his wife when she also needs him?

 

Sincerely,

A Busy Father