A MOTHER’S MADNESS

[esotericas 2674]

A MOTHER’S MADNESS

Anya Ludovar and her twin sister Acadia as young children, enjoying the gardens of Elysium.

12th of Vzmey and Hyff

403 E.S.

Anya Ludovar wakes up and the morning- noon- afternoon- sometime sun is bright bright bright through the window in the clinic and Anya’s babies (her babies, nobody else’s. Not him with his little frown and his you-don’t-love-me) are sleeping soundly against her chest. Her toes are cold because the blanket has slipped off of them and there’s a draft. Everything smells like sweat and vomit and sad. Very sad. 

 

Anya Ludovar’s cheeks are dry and feel funny when she moves her face and she’s worried she forgot to moisturize, but then she remembers she was crying yesterday after she had her two perfect beautiful babies. She puts her cold toes back under the blankets and thinks about why she was crying.

Anya Ludovar (Not de Astrea anymore, she still has to remind herself. She wonders when it will feel natural) is feeling better. She tells herself that this is true and not made up as she sits in her bedroom in the Prikaz and wonders why she’s here. Here Haense here Karosgrad here the Prikaz here... not Elysium. Sometimes the weak winter sun hits the dying potted plants on her windowsill and she thinks about if she should go home. Home home. But it’s not home because even though her babies look just like her mother, papa won’t come out to see them. She knows he won’t.

 

Anya Ludovar wonders if her papa is still alive.

 

Anya Ludovar is not sure if she will like the answer.

Anya Ludovar is not feeling better.

 

Anya Ludovar is cold.

 

Anya Ludovar remembers when she was pregnant and everyone was happy and excited and he thought he loved her, but he really loved his son inside her who was actually two perfect baby girls.

Anya Ludovar’s perfect babies are asleep and they are as perfect as they have always been. But the babies made him sad and now he is not in love with her, but Anya is pretty sure he wasn’t in love with her anyways.

 

Anya Ludovar wonders if she should try again. He thinks she does not love him (because he does not love her because they are just a transaction and Anya is just like everyone else, that’s what he told her) but maybe she will have his son this time and -

Anya Ludovar wants to go home.

suggested listening: 

:)

 

 

[garentoft 9265]

Eirik penned a letter to Anya, having recently heard of the successful birth of her children.

 

"Dear Anya,

 

I hope you are well, I know becoming a mother can be a troublesome ordeal, my own mother struggled much with the concept, perhaps moreso than the birth itself. I wished to congratulate you on the birth of your twin girls, what are their names? I have not yet been told, but I'll make an effort, perhaps you can tell me yourself. Perhaps they could be friends with Isabel? I've another on the way, too, I am sure they could all be friends. Sorry, tangent. I just wished to congratulate you and say that I would visit soon.

 

Signed,

Eirik."