A Proper Goodbye. [PK]

[DevilPaws 32]

Spoiler

Some music for my suffering specifically: 

 

 

[!] A ghost of a man long since dead sits down one evening, knowing that by the time the sun rises again his spirit will have faded from this realm once again… [!]

 

I never got to say it, did I? Goodbye.

 

Feels almost wrong to say it now, after everything that’s happened. Everything that’s been done. Maybe it was selfishness to an extent, wanting to see my son grow, wishing the world wouldn’t pass my fleeting existence by. But it has, hasn’t it?

 

I have lingered for too long. Yet not long enough, it never would have been.

 

. . .

 

I couldn’t leave on the terms of others, I had to make myself heard before I could go. So, if you are reading this then please… Listen one last time.

 

I was always a lot, loud, rambunctious, annoying, a child who’d say things that never made any sense. I was never very smart, but I knew my rights from wrongs. I thought hiding my feelings for the sake of others would keep them happy, but it only hurt them. I never understood why that was the case, maybe I never will. Not even in whatever existence I land in once I’m gone.

 

At the end of the day, I only grew into a man. All I ever was, just a man. A human, someone who lived and then died. For as long as I could remember I had wanted to become a purifier, someone strong with the goal of protecting others. I fought, and I fought and I fought anything and everything that came in the way of my family and their safety. I owed everything I had to Livius for taking the role of my father, I think back then I thought I was paying him back. Now, I’d have probably told you it was just what I wanted to do. I wanted to protect them, all of them.

 

The first monster I remember was a deer, not the typical deer. Inferni, I think. A horrible thing that had decided that day that children would be easy picking, five of us. We were so small then, dad never understood when I tried to explain the monster I saw. Maybe that was a good thing, nothing would have come from it had anyone heard my screaming back then.

 

That day, I swore I’d never run again. For the most part? I didn’t. I fought every monster that came for me and my family, because if I had ran I’d have gone back to being that little boy in the woods. Prey with its teeth bared. Hunted.

 

Despite my nature to run head first into danger, I think deep down I had always been terrified of the day I’d die. I knew it was creeping closer, every day I knew. My friends were, for the most part, elves. I was never going to be here as long as they would, and I was cutting my life shorter by fighting of my own volition. Still, I fought.

 

On Aevos, I was too young to understand why we had to leave, I was 11 when the talks of evacuation had started. 13 when we left, and then when we properly settled on Kalldur. I hated it, I was so angry and it felt so isolating despite how small Kalldur was. Despite how close everyone was, I felt like that island was going to kill me. I hated that mountain that took my home, and to an extent maybe for a while I hated my dad for taking me there with everyone else. Though I know it was never his fault, we were all scared to an extent. Just people, trying to survive by going somewhere safer. Somewhere that would be okay at least for a while longer.

 

It was on Kalldur where I fought most of those monsters that left me with the battle-scars to prove that I lived, to prove I have been alive. From the lich, to the chimera, to the wildlife of Kalldur itself. I fought and I fought and I fought. I fought at every break in that happened to our house, every monster that chased us. Everything that threatened us. I fought all of those monsters, and hunted even more. Seeked them out, and fought those monsters too.

 

I learned to carve bones, never to waste what was gifted from the animals I went out of my way to kill. I learned to cook for myself, and I learned to grow stronger in those woods alone.

 

There was a distance between me and my friends then, a distance that had since closed. Though, it was there. I was alone. That was fine, I had to adapt lest that sinking loneliness killed me. I’ve always been a Nord, and a Nord adapts to things when they hurt. There was no reason to be sad, depressed? I just had to push through. Get stronger, be faster. Never, ever let the darkness take me.

 

The remainder of my childhood was spent on that island, at 15 I had chosen to go with everyone else to fight the sea snake and clear the way to Azuras. That was not the first time I thought I was going to die, but it was the first time I looked it in the eyes so clearly.

 

That was the first time I ever looked at Andromeda and felt glad that her back was turned to danger, because at least if we did die I’d know that my best friend wouldn’t have had to die as afraid as I was. She had always been a protector as well, like me. I watched her keep her eyes on me as the pain made every breath feel sharp like knives, and I watched that thing behind her threaten to sink us all. I don’t fully remember what happened after that point, all I remember was that we lived despite everything.

 

I think by the end of it all, I was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being a soldier in a war that really started long before I took my first breath. I felt cruel for being alive, for being a person with thoughts and feelings that didn’t always align with what I believed was good. I was meant to be a pillar of everything good, I was a purifier. It’s what I believed in since I was young enough to believe.

 

War turns good men into monsters, it turns people into things best left rotting. On all sides.

 

I’ve seen it happen, again and again and again, and I still chose to believe in the good I saw in others. I still chose to believe that no matter your side in war, you are still a person who deserves to be respected. For that? Betrayal. Of course, maybe had I just been more careful. Had I kept my thoughts to myself, there would have been no reason for the cold of a blade to come down onto the back of my neck. It hurt, but not very long. I was more afraid than anything, not of dying this time. I was afraid of what the Empire would have done to my son, I heard him crying before it all went dark. I heard him. All I had was a trust that my betrayer wouldn’t do so again.

 

The last trust in humanity I had was that my son would get to go home safely.

 

. . .

 

I heard executions like mine usually end up being used to twist some kind of narrative, the last thing I wanted was to be some sob story. The last thing I wanted is for some truth to be skewered and shifted and pointed at after I died as if I was just some spectacle, an actor on a stage that just happened to finally end my part.

 

I think if anything, I’m glad to know that I was loved the same as I loved others. Despite my misplaced trust that ended in my own death, there were people who loved me and I loved them too. I was worth something, if only for a moment. I was worth something for being me, not a soldier, not a shell. But, as myself. I hope they choose to remember me, regardless of my fleeting existence.

 

I never got to say a proper goodbye to most people in person, but still.

 

Remember me as nothing that others claim that I was, only as what I am.

I am Onyx Flavius.

I will always be Onyx Flavius.

I am a Flavius.

It meant everything to me.

 

I smiled, and I laughed, and I chose not to fear what was ahead.

Death had chased me, hunted me for years and now finally,

Maybe it earned me.

When it rains for me again, don’t cry.

 

Someone still owes me a party one of these days.

 

 

 

I've never been very good with my words, or goodbyes. But to those who it might concern;

 

To Adlith

Spoiler

“I have loved you, and will continue to love you for eternity. I am sorry I could not share that eternity with you. Even if I wanted to, by the all-father, I wanted to.”

 

To Grisha

Spoiler

“I hope you take after your mother, it’ll keep you safe. Try not to worry her for me, I’d rather she didn’t find a way to scold me from here.”

 

To Livius

Spoiler

“Thank you for having been the one to care for me when I had no one, I’d have been dead a long time ago had Reinn not brought me home that day. I am sorry that I had to go before you, I don’t imagine this is easy and I wish I could have prevented it. You don’t deserve to lose your own child and I am sorry that I was that child.”

 

To Reinn

Spoiler

“Thank you for being my big brother, with or without blood ties. Keep an eye on dad, yeah?”

 

To Grace

Spoiler

“....At the end of the day, you were my birth mother. Whether or not you see this, whether or not I could ever bring myself to fully care. I’ve never known how to feel about you, and I am sorry that I could never fully forgive your abandonment. My only ask is that you stay away from my family's lives, I am sorry. That bridge burned decades ago.”

 

To Andromeda

Spoiler

“I think I hated that idea of a pity party you told me about because I’d miss you, funnily enough. I’ll miss everyone, but I guess I can’t really complain anymore. Keep an eye on Grisha for me? We both know how I was, it’ll probably be better if at the very least he has someone to fall back on when he inevitably gets himself hurt.”

 

To Sylvia

Spoiler

“I am sorry if my presence was too painful after everything, I know you wanted to mourn and move on after my initial death. I am sorry for my selfish lingering. Thank you for having found it in yourself to forgive me for the things I’ve done, despite everything.”

 

To Mr. Professor

Spoiler

“You were the man who taught me to read. You were there for it all. Despite ups and downs, you were always there. You taught me that I could use my skillsets to help people, I am a sword. Dull, broken, but I sharpened my blade and aimed true when I still had the strength to stand. Thank you.”

 

To Evelyn

Spoiler

“We lost touch after Kalldur I’ve realized, I never got to mention how impressed I was at how much you’ve grown and changed. I’m sorry again about the mention of parties, like how I was sorry all those years ago back in the rain.”

 

To Spindle

Spoiler

“You had nothing to be sorry about, it was my own fault.”

 

To Fenrick

Spoiler

“Go easy on the teasing, the whole bullying because 'ooh sappy' thing. I don’t think Reinn can handle my share of it along with his, you cruel man. (Lovingly, of course.)”

 

To Meta

Spoiler

“Maybe you’re surprised to be mentioned here, or maybe not. You told me I’d grow into a wise adult, I just want to tell you that those words meant more to me then than I think you even realized at the time. Thank you, Meta.”

 

To Vivenne

Spoiler

“You were kind of like a little sister to me y’know Viv? Hope you’re doing well for yourself wherever you might be.”

 

To the Nords & Norns

“Iron from ice.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Aaron Redgar Von Rhoswald, AKA Criminal

Spoiler

“Does it hurt? Are you proud of yourself?"

 

[The Vulgate Cycle 577]

Ser Arthur Marsyr sat beside a ghost as he faded onto nothingness. He knew nothing of the man, only that he shouldn't be there and he needed to go, one way or another. These were always the most painful cases. The ones that tugged at his heartstrings the most. He watched the man constantly reach for his neck, check it, as though it might not be there from one moment to the next. He understood why. And there he sat, offering the ghost of a father comfort as he slowly went away and shot for the skies. 

 

He returned home that night, and directed all his prayers to one Onyx Flavius. Where he hoped, beyond all hope, that he was free at last.

[clearlynoko 201]

Andromeda Adiler hummed to herself as she helped her mother cook for an upcoming wedding. Her magic burst around her in vibrant gold fireworks, red smoke stirring a spoon around a pot for her. Meanwhile, she was occupied with cutting up some vegetables.

 

She thought of her first and only student. Her best friend. A man she would hold any secret for. Stars, a man she had lied to her own mother's face for.

 

She never did get to teach him any spells. Andromeda thought of that lightning, how it made him tremble and grow pale. A smile touched her lips at the memory. He ran headfirst into wild animals, Darkspawn, and violent men, but had to be convinced that housemagic wouldn't explode him.

 

Maybe in the Seven Skies, he would be able to learn. The elf would never truly know.

[Lexi1753 22]

It was a normal day, sunny, quiet. Aldith stepped out of her house to get the mail, a note with hand writing she did not recognise. She waited to return home before reading it. 

As she did read it, the sunny day felt like a cruel heat, mocking her sadness. Her husband gone again..... Denied a goodbye again...

She was on the edge of breaking down, before her son appeared. She held back the tears and gently huged her son, staying strong for him. Like Onyx would have liked. 

WIthin her mind she would say three words. "Goodbye my love."

[PrinceTheDM 275]

Mister Professor had been organizing his shelves when an old journal slipped free and tumbled to the floor.

 

He stooped to retrieve it, and the moment his fingers touched the worn cover, he smiled, caught in a fond and quiet memory. He had not opened this one in years. The pages smelled faintly of ink and time, stuffed with scattered lesson plans, student notes, and the small, ordinary fragments of days that once felt endless.

 

Then he saw the name.

 

Onyx.

 

He paused, as if the ink itself carried weight, and let his eyes drift down the entries.

 

• Onyx had once been beaten in a street duel by Sylvia, though not without trying to play dirty, kicking up loose dirt and gravel in a desperate attempt to blind her.
• Onyx had been improving in his literacy lessons.
• Onyx had earned his first gold star.
• Onyx had admitted, quietly, that he did not know how to handle his emotions.
• Onyx had loved the Cloak of Comfort he’d been given, more than he ever let on.
• Onyx had confessed that he did not know what to believe in.
• Onyx had begun to pick up the Dove’s Song, as he always did, sharp and quick when it mattered.
• Onyx had been spending more time in Norland, and Mister Professor had not seen him as often.
• Years had passed, and then one day Onyx had returned, asking to speak once more.
• Onyx had thanked him for his help, though Mister Professor had never been entirely certain what help he meant.

 

And then, written plainly, as if it were just another passing thought:

 

• Onyx seems to want me to be proud of him.

 

Mister Professor stared at that line for a long while.

Did he know what he was truly asking?

To ask for pride is to imply there is still something to prove. That worth is conditional. That love must be earned. That approval is a prize at the end of suffering. But Onyx had never needed to prove anything to anyone. Not to the world. Not to a teacher. Not to the streets that hardened him. Not to the ghosts that followed him.

 

Only to himself.

 

The journal sat open in his hands as the room fell quiet around him, and in his mind he could hear the question again, the way it must have sounded when it was spoken aloud.

 

Are you proud of me?

 

And he remembered the answer he had given.

 

Not pride.

Not judgment.

Not a scale measuring progress.

Only a question, gentle and honest, offered back like a lantern in the dark.

 

“Onyx… are you proud of yourself?”