Trans Visibility: You Are Who You Are

[KeiaTypeBeat 3276]

I didn't know if I wanted to make this post. But, I've been louder for less, and an Lotcer did something very kind for me in light of TVD. The least I can do to pay it forward is make a post. This is gonna get sappy. 

 

Thank you, mc.lotc.co, for making my transition possible.

 

It saved my life. 

 

 

Before "Gender" was known to me as a concept

Spoiler

Growing up in an impoverished village in Oklahoma did not give me any sort of exposure to the nuances of gender. I grew up in a house of neglect, so the nuances of gender weren't even explained to me until it was apparent I wasn't doing something right. 

 

I wanted to grow a body like my grandmother. I got upset when my neighbor told me I couldn't be the mom when we were playing house. Picking out a costume for Halloween was more difficult than I felt it should be. I couldn't be a fairy, but I could be an angel. Despite the analogues, angels in the Bible are boys, so that made my desire to wear pretty wings and a dress okay, for some reason. 

 

I was about 6 or 7, I think, when it became clear what I wanted to be was wrong. I cried too much, I cuddled too much, I wasn't tough, I wasn't excited to get dirty or be rough. 

 

Eventually, I came to understand something about the way I thought and wanted was wrong, and that for me to fit in, I needed to copy everyone around me. 

 

 

After I learned I was expressing my gender the wrong way 

Spoiler

I went from being a child who found far too much enjoyment in loving others and being kind, and not being ashamed at all about it, to being a child who cared too much about what others think. I was convinced if I behaved wrongly, I would not be loved. 

 

I shut that part of me away from my mind, until puberty. For obvious reasons, I began to feel uncomfortable, but no one else around me expressed the same discomforts. I became convinced that being a girl was so much obviously better than being a boy, that all guys felt this way, and they just kept it a secret. 

 

That kept me going for a while. Then one day, when I was 12, I told my cousin I felt like I was a girl. And he abused me for it, and I learned to shut up about expressing that. It was wrong, and it always got me hurt. 

 

I continued building up this male persona I was living as, accepting my obviously stunted decision making skills for what they were and copying what got the most positive feedback from people. After I moved in with my older sister when I was 14, western conservative values were what got me praised, and anything counter I was belittled for. So, I accepted values I felt strongly against under the impression I was wrong and missing something that made me feel the way I did.

 

 

Joining LOTC

Spoiler

I joined LOTC in 2016 when I was 17. My sister and her husband were getting a divorce, and I got a laptop for Christmas. This was my first ability to access the internet in private, disregarding the iPhone I got at 16. Before then, I had no internet access outside of my village's public library.

 

I was introduced to trans faces for the first time, and I didn't feel great about it. I was very certain that actually wasn't allowed, and I avoided thinking about it too much. 

 

Then, when I was about 20-21, a very good friend of mine transitioned. And I had to decide if I felt more uncomfortable accepting them for who they were than I did hurting their feelings and arguing with them to save my own worldview. 

 

I made the right choice. 

 

And, following that choice, a large part of the world I had never considered for myself became available to me. 21-22 I accepted I was bi, because it actually is not normal to be nervous around guys the way I was. Turns out, straight cis men don't typically blush and feel their heart flutter when they get spotted by other men during lifts. 

 

Hell, I was so locked in the closet, when I was 18-19, I saw a video of an lotcer vaping in a friend chat I was in, and he was so undeniably cute, I deadass just thought "all straight men would think he's cute." Rofl

 

 

The Egg Cracks

Spoiler

It's ironic. The stuff I think was most important to my transition, I don't really remember. I was just in a very supportive friend group, and they caught vibes somehow. They would occasionally call me girl, and I liked it. They offered opposing voices when I needed them. They gradually chipped away, piece by piece, at the wall I had formed around myself. 

 

But, I was married. And they married the version of myself they met in 2016. They caught wind of things too, and they made sure to let me know that if transitioning was in my future, she wouldn't be. 

 

So, I coped with a label of gender fluidity, and for… 4, 5 years, maybe, I did my best to fit within the framework my ex-wife expressed as her expectation.

 

And, 4 years later, for reasons not even entirely related to my gender, we separated. And we finalized our divorce last December. 

 

I include these anecdotes, because even when I knew I needed to transition, I believed I would have to fake my death and start a new life to do that. I was diagnosed with PTSD and BPD. Medications for behavioral management worked, but not perfectly. And when they stopped working, they wouldn't work at all anymore. So six months later, I was trying a new batch of meds. 

 

 

My Divorce, Betore HRT

Spoiler

When I left my ex-wife in November 2024, just after Thanksgiving, I was ultimately determined that I would become homeless and die, and that someone else wouldn't necessarily need to be the cause for the latter. 

 

I said **** it, and I told my family how I felt. And they were accepting. Not perfect, I only had two family members over the age of 20 on my sister's side be what I would call supportive. And I asked my eldest niece, who is my age and the closest person I have with a normal sibling dynamic, if I could be Keia while I crashed at her house. And she said yes. 

 

And the next month, I confronted the cousin who hurt me, because I understood I would need to handle that loose end if I were going to actually take this seriously. 

 

And the next month, after I got my first apartment and was living on my own for the first time, I started HRT. January 25, 2025. A week later, the effects I experienced were so astounding, it would be impossible to describe them without sounding cliche. 

 

The most critical change was my emotional availability. 

After HRT, it was like two halves of myself finally merged into one: the part of me who was and the part of me who felt. And I could feel. 

 

 

My Life: After HRT

Spoiler

Never in my life had I cried tears and felt good afterwards. I knew you were supposed to feel good. But now, it was like the endorphins were actually working. 

 

That alone has done so much to help with my PTSD. There was a week I could not stop bursting into tears because I was finally emotionally processing the last 26 years of my life. 

 

As for my other medication, 4 months after HRT, my psychiatrist, who I was utterly terrified, I was TERRIFIED of letting him know I was trans. Because he was a man, and he was old. And he looked at me with a smile, and he told me he had never seen me so happy, the moment he saw me. "It looks like you have some stuff to tell me about, don't you?"

 

And a small talk, and he said it was his professional opinion that I had been wrongfully diagnosed with BPD, and I had been experiencing profound and lifelong gender dysphoria I had been suppressing since I took off that angel costume so long ago. 

 

I stopped all medication relating to BPD and PTSD. My prescriptions and records were updated. My doctors and therapists have never been more proud of me. 

 

I have never been more proud of me. 

 

 

The Difference

Spoiler

When I pretended to be a boy, I hated pictures, fashion. I had a profound desire to be social, but I was overwhelmed with fear and paranoia trying to make sure I was acting right. 

 

Today I love taking pictures of myself. I love shopping for clothes. I make friends IRL extremely easily, I go clubbing, strange men hit on me on the street, and my supervisor has a very loud crush on me. Very bad, so inappropriate!

 

I've never been more alone and isolated from my family and loved ones. I haven't been this poor in a long time, but I was still poorer as a kid. I'm now doing things my wife forbade me from doing myself, and I'm doing things my parental figures never taught me how to do. I'm terrified every day that I will **** up and lose my car, or my apartment, and I have to decide whether or not eating on a particular day is worth it in the long run. 

 

I've never loved life more than I do now. And I want that for you. It took me overwhelming evidence confirming I wasn't giving into a delusion and that I wasn't doing anything harmful to myself. I wish I was easier on myself. I wish I told myself that even if it wasn't what I needed it wouldn't be any different from switching to another medication. 

 

 

Still, the ability to transition is itself a privilege not others may be able to do without inherently exposing themselves to extreme danger. It's especially important for us realized trans persons to be there for that particularly vulnerable demographic. They're sacred all the same. 

 

 

If you were like me, in need of extreme evidence to confirm what you feel inside is okay, I hope sharing my story can help in some way. I know my culture would have led me here eventually, but LOTC was the catalyst that stopped me from waiting another decade to do what has objectively saved my life.

 

Gender is not as complicated as the conversation about it makes it out to be. It's simple. Only you can know who you are. Believing another knows better won't get you very far. 

 

 

I learned it was never complicated. You are who you are, don't keep you waiting

I said you are who you are, don't keep you waiting

[Vertigo_Round 325]

Spoiler

This hits so hard right in the feels, genuinely made me think back on my transition. I won't lie, I cried a bit. Thank you for sharing, and I hope the post gets seen by someone who needs it.

 

[Reece Nolan 996]

Yours is a great story, and I'm happy to hear that things eventually worked out for you. 

 

I'd like to staple an extra bit of awareness on at the end:

If you are transitioning, especially undergoing HRT (regardless of whether or not you are MTF or FTM), please, Please, PLEASE, make sure you have someone to talk to, preferably a therapist. I don't think it's brought up enough just how catastrophic hormonal imbalance can be to the psyche, even in people who aren't Trans, think of what low T does to men, or how menopause affects women. I'd highly encourage all of you to stay vigilant for such symptoms and try your best to remain grounded.

 

Above all, remember, you do not need to go through it alone, your most powerful tool is your voice. If you suspect the way you are feeling doesn't quite line up with reality, or maybe you're feeling down or off and don't know why, talk to someone, anyone.

[Hom 1987]

this is so beautiful and goddamn inspiring 

[Smmer 2441]

Sticking to your ‘assigned’ gender is overrated anyway, it’s such a lame outdated concept used by people who don’t have the mental strength to be anything else but a label. I used to be Madeline, now i’m Summer. I like being Summer, nothing else nothing more. Just me and it feel right. Some people can’t or don’t want to think outside of what they’ve been taught and grown accustomed to and that’s okay, it isn’t perfect. But the important part is learning that it’s not a negative thing, choosing to not identify to gender norms let alone transition into another should be normal I mean after all it’s not you going through it is it now? I knew that by the time i was like 5-6 i didn’t just want to like princesses, I didn’t like it when my grandma would talk about wanting to see me in a cute dress and i should be more feminine i’ve heard that so many times growing up as a tomboy who begged their parents for ben10 watches from toys r us, the same “little girl” who would ask for beyblades and bakugan who also collected barbie’s on the side, its taken till 21 to finally get my mother to stop ordering me a stupid unicorn rainbow cake that i never asked for to get my own choice. I am now 24 and no one gets to determine who I am except me. I am glad to be part of something. And i’m proud of you Kia, always.

 

Do you know how easier life would be on a persons mental health if you didn’t try to shove them into a category and force them to stay in that cage? It’s the easiest thing to do, mind your own business. How could them transitioning possibly affect you in anyway shape or form it’s not your choice what they do. Little off topic from TVD but as someone with many friends who are pre or post transitioned you dweebs are always welcome to have a seat at my mega awesome table where it’s all rocking chairs instead of lame unmoving ones. 

 

I don’t have a cat pic to add but here’s my bat plushie. 

[Anbennar 2350]

Spoiler

8 hours ago, Boujee Keia said:

6 or 7

 

[Gemini 1737]

Up the dolls 

[JJosey 1481]

say it louder for the people in the back !!

[Suxals 529]

Beautiful post and thank you for sharing, I am sure it will be helpful to a lot of people who are experiencing the same things you went through!

 

Congratulations for finding the real you :)

[extragamer53 226]

This is really inspiring.

Thank you for sharing this with us.


 

[KeiaTypeBeat 3276]

On 4/3/2026 at 9:55 AM, IHateTurbo_Dog said:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Your cells have lost their mitosis privileges 

[SpicyBats0 97]

Absolutely beautiful! Genuine happy tears shed for you over here. Thank you for sharing your journey. You never know, it could help someone else to be inspired to be themselves too 🤍

 

[SpodoKaiba 612]

curse you for getting me to log back on to these godforsaken forums. however:

i am unbelievably proud of you and it makes me so happy to see how far you've come. i remember when your ex-wife literally made you block me because we were talking about gender stuff. you've blossomed so much since then, despite insane hardships, and it's so beautiful to see

love you girl, keep living your life and showing the world who you really are

[KeiaTypeBeat 3276]

13 minutes ago, SpodoKaiba said:

The Game

Couldn't have done it without you girly, love you to death ❤️😭

[MsLinni 828]

This is a good post, Neia is awesome.