Kjell's Tale Of Ironguts

[Charles_Grimlie 1072]

*The Mighty, Illustrious, Grand, Fantastic, Legendary, Sheep Magnet, and Bestest Paragon Kjell StormHammer of Clan IreHeart sits upon a chair within the Kingdom Tavern, specifically the Table on the left had side when entering. This aged Dwarf (of questionable age) is bearing a half full tankard of ale along with his full bushy beard, both covered in foam. It is here the old Obsidian Emporer calls to the young ones amongst the Dwarves with a jolly look upon his face much different than the mad face of war and insanity he bears on the field of battle.*

"Come 'round lads an' lassie fer Ah, Da Great Paragon Kjell 'ave a story fer ye all tee 'ear... It be 'boot me favorite subject, Ironguts."

*A hearty cackle is sounded from this Dwarf, for he knows in time when he tells this tale that butt hurt will ensue and provoke more claims for the removal of his title.*

"Now listen close... Long ago, dere wus a lad named... Ur... Uuuuhm... "Dumb Fawk?"... Nae. Ah! Dwain! As ye should all know, da wee scamp was a son ov Urguan! Unloike da udder sons, Dwain was a weaklin' an' 'cause ov dis all 'e could do wus eat! 'E ate so much food an' drank all da ale dat 'is deeds pissed off 'is brudders w'o 'append ter be flexin' deir beards an' muscles in da corner wi'f much proide ov deir great strength tryin' fer best each odder even t'ough Yavok wus bestest warrior an' flexer...

*The old Paragon blanks out for a brief moment thinking about the devastation his ancient ancestor would cause with a single muscle ripple to an Orc army before resuming.*

Where wus Ah? Aye! So Dwalin bein' a fat arse ate all da porkchops an' drank all da brew! Dis pissed off da brudders an' caused dem ter tell der fadder Urguan ter get rid ov 'im an' leech off ov sun un else's 'are wurk ('Cause Dwain didnae work, 'e wus tee fat). So Urguan figured out a way ter nae disgrace 'imself we 'is failure of a son ('cause 'e wus very forgivin') by convincin' Dwain dat 'e 'ad ter moine very far north... VERY FAR NORD, nae, nae near da cattle we pigs jus' over yonder 'ill bu' VERY FAR NORD!

So after bein' kicked out... Er... Assoigned an important task! Dwain rolled along da ground merrily an' dubbed 'imself a great moiner! Toime passes an' Dwain meets a beautiful lassie, 'owever ye beardlin's. Did wus nae an orderinary lassie! Bu' a foul Aeriel, a false god! W'o dispoite thinkin' Dwain wus fat an' ugly, fawked 'im an' brought loife ter a pitiful squabble ov 'alf dwarf, 'alf false god infants! Infants even moar pitiful den Dwain.

Excoited an' schtupid, Dwain rolled back ter 'is father w'o knew 'is was comin' 'cause dere was a great famine in da 'Uman an' Tree Squatter lands. Disgusted by Dwains children, Urguan yelled at 'is son bu' nae 'bout 'is nae dwarf children, bu' instead 'bout 'ow 'e abandoned da mission! Dis made Dwain sad even t'ough Urguan wus bein' merciful by sparring bad words 'bout 'is children. Suh Dwain croied an' ran back tuh 'is VERY FAR IN DA NORD! Dirt 'ole w'ere 'e would make 'is own city an be schtupid whoile 'is brudders did moighty and cooler deeds 'cause dey were bestest... De end!

Och! Ah fervor un moar fin'! Den Kjell an' Olaf appeared an' wi'f da 'elp ov Kjell's coosin Urir dey killed all da Uruks an' made Urguan real prood! Suh da moral ov da story be, kill Uruks! Make Urguan 'appy.

*Paragon Kjell takes a deep breath before downing his drink with a mighty gulp. With that he stood towering above the beardlings and lumbers off.*

[Nefarious Aus Shitpost 891]

"You forgot sheepfucker."
 

[Shar'ku/jenspelao 410]

*A goblin starts running And shouting around the streets.

"KJELL SKAH SHEEP!"

[Charles_Grimlie 1072]

"You forgot sheepfucker."

Corrected to say, sheep magnet. Thanks for using vulgar language to inform me.

[Charles_Grimlie 1072]

*A goblin starts running And shouting around the streets.

"KJELL SKAH SHEEP!"

*Dwarves later discover the remains of 33 assorted Orcs and Goblins presumed to have been stuck in the recently closed coal mines by Storms Crossing.*

[Rig 17591]

Zaiz Irongut, rolls in his grave.

[Charles_Grimlie 1072]

Zaiz Irongut, rolls in his grave.

*Mighty Paragon Kjell shakes the Irongut ash jar viciously trying to make the odd rumbling inside stop.*

[Charles_Grimlie 1072]

All yer beardlin's 'r' belong ter meh. All beardlin's fink dat Ironguts be a ***** lot nooh.

[Mucky 443]

Olaf likes the story.

[Saviordude 133]

((I'll admit, I chuckled. You should tell a story about the Treebeards ;) ))

[Kilgrim 361]

(( Charles always trying to start **** :) ))

[doom6153 57]

*Dom sits in the corner small flames a glimmer in his hand. He mutters*

 

"Hide yer sheep ye bastard..."

[Thrym 188]

Thrym stands up, the large bear hide about his shoulders fluttering majestically in the wind from a mine shaft somewhere that just happened to be blowing to make his bear hide aswell as his bear flutter in this majestic manner. He walks up to Kjell, a red rage beginning to glitter in his eyes. His bronzed muscular arms shine in the torchlight as strides forward.

 

"Ye think oi'm any less a dwarf den ye, Kjell?! Oi've forged da weapons ye Ire'earts use so much but are too thick'eaded ta know 'ow ta make well an oi've used dem in battle too! An' at least oi dun't need ta foind me self a sheep w'en oi'm feelin' lonely!"

 

((Kjell, you make me laugh. Enjoyed the read!))

[Charles_Grimlie 1072]

Thrym stands up, the large bear hide about his shoulders fluttering majestically in the wind from a mine shaft somewhere that just happened to be blowing to make his bear hide aswell as his bear flutter in this majestic manner. He walks up to Kjell, a red rage beginning to glitter in his eyes. His bronzed muscular arms shine in the torchlight as strides forward.

 

"Ye think oi'm any less a dwarf den ye, Kjell?! Oi've forged da weapons ye Ire'earts use so much but are too thick'eaded ta know 'ow ta make well an oi've used dem in battle too! An' at least oi dun't need ta foind me self a sheep w'en oi'm feelin' lonely!"

 

((Kjell, you make me laugh. Enjoyed the read!))

 

"Oi! Yer nae an Irongut! Yer loike... A nae Irongut wi'f a bad name, er sumfin'! Yer tellin' me yer an Irongut nooh!? An' yer insultin' meself 'boot me 'erd?"

 

(THX)

[Thrym 188]

"Oi'm Thrym Silverfist, son ov Braum Longsword, son of Draco Irongut. Oi've always been an Irongut! An oi'm sayin' nuttin' worse den ye've said ov me ancestors."