The Dank Spiritual Journey

[HeroOfDuLoc 1935]

This is the first thing I've written in years, constructive criticism please.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTAIy_qHiZk&feature=youtu.be&t=5s

 

Fizldank’Dom steps through the sand of San’Vitar, slowing his steps as he nears a blarg. He would stand straight as he tapped on the gate of Thurak’Yars blarg.

 

“Ug Turak.” Fizldank states.

“Throm’ka, Fizl. Duh latz neud zumten?” Thurak responds.

“Latz gruk hao mi blah’d tuuh latz hao mi wud gruk’en eluhmentahlizum?”

“Mi behleeb zuh.”

“Weyull.. Urolem nub hab uz gruk hao tuuh ged bak ehntuuh duh zpirut reyulm, ul mi gruk id latz hab tuuh gid hy az zkah. Agh mi wud hohpun latz kuld heyulp mi wid dat.”

“Gedden entuh duh zpirut reyulm id vaeree defurhunt fur fahrzeerz agh eluhmentuhliztz, buh ei kahn trei. Azh’t wi muzt guh tuuh duh tup ub dah wurld kaktuz.”

 

The two stand, exiting the blarg. Fizldank looks up to the cactus, following Thurak as they both began to climb the world cactus. Avoiding the pricks and carefully jumping over the gaps between the cactus branches, jumping from the platforms made for climbing the cactus. As they reach the summit they began speaking again.

 

“Wy ul duh wei ub ‘ere?”

Thurak chuckles, “Hrmhrm, duh hyher wi ged, duh hyher wi ged.”

Fizldank looks confused for a moment, then chuckling. “Kekek, mi ged et.”

 

Thurak sat at the tip of the cactus, laying his back against a prick. Fizldank had followed closely, sitting down in front of him as he began taking an assortment of oddities, one of them being a drum with writing on it. The writing was barely recognized by Fizldank as old blah, but Thurak had moved it to his lap too quickly before Fizldank could translate. As Thurak continues on he begins banging the drum, humming rhythmically. Soon after; the duos vision began to blur, becoming pitch black.

 

Filzdank’Dom sits up, rubbing his head, and couldn’t hear or smell. He looked about, noticing that he was without Thurak. Around him was a colorless land, stretching on for miles. He began walking, each step moving him forward farther than a regular step in the mortal realm. As he took a few steps, a small blotch of color appeared in the distance, the color being a hue of red. Fizldank walked toward the color, eventually seeing that it was a volcano.

 

Fizldank reached the volcano, his hearing and sense of smell coming back to him. The smell was a horrible burnt smell. He looked up at the volcano, then to his sides. Nobody else was around, but he kept walking forward and up the volcano. As he stepped forward, pools of lava would bubble and spit out flaming droplets. He then reached the summit, looking about once more. Though there was nobody there, a voice reached him.

 

“Amat lat tul, gaz’uruk?”

“Wub?” Fizldank would say.

 

Fizldank could not understand the old blah, as he only just began learning. Though soon after a translation came to him.

 

“Why are you here, Goblin?”

“Mi em heur tuuh zerv duh zpirutz ahz uh zhomo.”

“Snag? Lat snag ah’ûr?”

 

Soon after another translation came to him.

 

“Serve? You will serve me?”

“Azh’t, mi wel zerv latz fur latz naym agh blezeing. Liek duh erf zpirut.”

“Ah nar gakh ûr ghaamp. Lata znag ah’ûr.”

 

“I don’t care for earth, you work for me.”

“Agh wud id latz naym agh tayzk?”

“Lat bugd ah Gulthrak. Gimb ah asht’z, la skaat krum, gaz’uruk.”

 

“You call me Gulthrak. Find my bones, then come back, Goblin.”

 

Fizldank suddenly woke up after that, shaking his head. Thurak was gone, Fizldank walked down the cactus, looking about for Thurak. He was absent of all obvious places; Thurak’s blarg and the potion shop. Fizldank shook his head, looking low. Going back to his blarg to sleep. The next morning, Thurak was there in his potion shop going about his normal day.

 

“Hrm, latz id bak mi peep.”

“Yub.. Duh zpirut blah’d mi tuuh ged him bohnz.”

“Bohnz? Wel, latz beddur ged duh zpirut zum bohnz den.”

“Buht mi nub kno hao tuuh ged bohnz en duh zpirut reylm, er weyr dey wuld eben bi.”

“Fizl, latz nub gid bohnz en duh zpirut reylm, latz gid dem en diz reylm. Duh muhrtal reylm. Datz wud zhamunz duuh, dey zumten ah zpyrut kahn. Ah zpyrut wuldent blah latz tuuh duh zumten dat dey kuld duuh.”

“Mi gruk nao, mi juz gah’duh breng duh zpirut zum bohnz.”

 

Fizldank’Dom returns to his blarg, grabbing a bundle of vourukh bones he had gathered from a lone vourukh. He returns to the top of the cactus, crossing his legs as he sits down in the spot Thurak had sat. Fizldank pulled out his pipe, stuffing a bit of green into the pipe. He pulled out a small stick, lighting it with his axe and a piece of flint. He sat their for a while, smoking as he looks down at the uruks doing their work. Soon after he put down his pipe, speaking in the tongue of his ancestors. Fizldank slowly returns to the spirit realm, standing on the summit of the volcano once more. The spirit would begin speaking to him once more.

 

“You have returned.”

 

Said the voice, swooping down to Fizldank, the spirit had appeared as a fiery vulture. Fizldank takes the bunch of vourukh bones out of his loincloth, presenting them to the spirit. Gulthrak would suddenly extend his neck, snapping the bones as he chomps them down.

“You have earned my blessing, Goblin.”

[Travista 1361]

Shreck'Dom gives a grunt of approval.

[Praetor 1550]

((  https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I60XhHbcYkIW88LGYx5DmkK9Yd2-U03qUyVcDCGTQV4/edit

 

Since you asked for constructive criticism I have done a quick revision of your text using stuff I've learned through some writing books and revisions of my own work throughout the months. None of it is intended to be rude, offensive or demeaning so don't take it that way. Of course, I'm not a professional writer so my word is certainly not law.

 

ps; I didn't spend a huge amount of time on the revision so it's not super in depth but hopefully it will help.))

[marimbamonk 1501]

((This was pretty good. As you requested, I did a voice-over. Should be able to post it here soon.))

[marimbamonk 1501]

Late-night quick work: http://vocaroo.com/i/s1x9EtXSIaHI

 

Could do better, but didn't want to wait too long before posting. 

[Birdwhisperer 1174]

Moved to the Archive. It shall be sorted into the appropriate category shortly.