FELSEN TIMES ISSUE IV

[Guest The Orenian Company]

 

 

ISSUE IV - The Felsen Times

 

 

1 - INTERVIEW WITH JOSEPH HOREN

 

2 - REDEVELOPMENT OF RODENBURG - THE RENATUS ASYLUM

 

3 - STAUNTBUCKS GRAND REOPENING

 

4 - FINANCE AND STOCKS

 

5 - JOB SECTION

 

6 - THE AMOSS THE WHITE SHOW

 

7 - ABOUT THE PUBLISHERS

 

 

JOSEPH HOREN - THE MAN IN THE HIGH CHAIR

 

On the 2nd of the Deep Cold, 1718, I was fortunate enough to have a sit down interview with Joseph ‘Joey’ Horen, self proclaimed leader of the Haensetic Empire.

 

The first thing that struck me was Joey’s unusually small frame, standing at a mere 5 feet and 2 inches, he was far from the imposing warlord that I had pictured in my mind’s eye. As I approached, the pungent smell of rotten fish became more and more prevalent. I had looked around for the source, only to find out afterwards that this was in fact Joey’s cologne of choice.

 

Interviewer: If you were not a leader, what would you have liked to have been?

Joseph: I always dreamed of being a fish farmer. Salmon is my passion. Fish are my life. I carry a fish in my pocket everywhere I go (at this point he pulled out a two week old salmon from his poorly crafted linen robes and brandished it to the court).

 

There was a slight breeze within the palace, and it became clear to me that Joey used an aged and defective wig glue, which failed to secure the hair upon his crown.

 

Interviewer: What was that?

Joseph: What was what?

Interviewer: That thing that flew off the top of your head?

Joseph: (He pats the top of his head, a look of pure horror forming on his face)

Interviewer: …..

Joseph: It would seem my flying squirrel has taken flight, apologies, I must go and find it, good day.

 

Joseph then exited the throne room, concluding our insightful visit into the life and affairs of Joseph ”Joey” Horen.

 

 

STAUNTBUCKS - GRAND REOPENING

 

 

Situated in the heart of Helena, at 4 Horen Street, Stauntbucks will be reopening very soon to satisfy all of your docafrappucino and your vegan organic low calorie lactose tolerant preservative free coffee needs. Stauntbucks is now hiring, please see the job section of this newspaper for more information.

 

 

[Insert your Ad here]

 

 

UPPER RODENBURG REDEVELOPMENT - THE RENETIAN ASYLUM

 

 

For long now, the town of Rodenburg has remained dormant, a shadow of its former bustling self. It has recently been purchased by the Courlandic Printing Company to be redeveloped into an area for the detainment of the Empire’s most dangerous subjects.

 

Rodenburg House, shall open its doors as the nation’s first ever Insane Asylum, with an ambition to rehabilitate criminals, and others, back to sanity. It has been noted in the employment section that the asylum is in search of ‘Welfare Officers’ and an Architect to oversee the project.

 

Do you know anyone who you believe should be certified insane? Contact the paper, or the Asylum’s administration itself to initiate an investigation into their mental state. This of course will incur a small fee, in order to pay the labour costs to the welfare officers who must detain the patients. They will be housed, clothed and fed within the asylum’s walls, whilst undergoing rehabilitation to ensure that they will revert to sane members of society. God and the Empire thanks you for your participation.

 

Sectioning somebody has never been so easy, just contact Dr Amoss for  quote. Starting at 500 minas, you can have any individual of your choice incarcerated in a nut-house for life. Simply pay the fee and the men in white suits will do the rest!

 

 

 

 

Finance & Stocks

 

Haense Property Development: -363% MKT CPT (1204 Minas)

 

Saltstone Salt Company: +7% MKT CPT (2466 Minas)

 

Norlandic Horse Husbandry Inc. : -12% MKT CPT (4320 Minas)

 

Stauntbucks Coffee Co. : +56% MKT CPT (4900 Minas)

 

Renatus Fishing Inc. : +14% MKT CPT (4330 Minas)

 

Courlandic Publishing Company LTD: +63% MKT CPT (4030 Minas)

 

JOB SECTION

 

 

Stauntbucks Barista / Manager

STARTING SALARY FOR BARISTA: 1,000 MINAS / SAINTS WEEK + SHARE BONUS

STARTING SALARY FOR MANAGER: 1,700 MINAS / SAINTS WEEK + SHARE BONUS

((Contact Vegetarianism))

 

This will require individuals to learn how to craft a selection of 20 drinks and being able to serve them, writing the customers name on them. No spelling skills required.

 

Asylum Welfare Officer

STARTING SALARY 1,200 MINAS / SAINTS WEEK + SHARE BONUS

((Contact Neon123 / Vegetarianism))

 

This will require men in white suits who will be able to section, detain and manage inmates incarcerated in the asylum.

 

Journalists for the Courlandic Printing Company

STARTING SALARY 400 MINAS / SAINTS WEEK + SHARE BONUS

((Contact Neon123))

 

Architect for the reconstruction of Upper Rodenburg Asylum

POA

((Contact Vegetarianism))

 

JOB APPLICATION FORM (POST BELOW)

Name (And Username):

Current Occupation:

Job Applying For:

Skills:

Reason For Applying:

 

AMOSS THE WHITE - ‘WIZARDMAN’: LIVE EXPERIENCE

 

We all remember the infamous ‘wizard’ who proved to be an utter annoyance in the times of Anthos and Athera. The Felsen Times is pleased to announce that after a long hiatus, Amoss is back along with his new album, ‘Amoss the White: Wizard Man’. The album has proven to be a great hit so far, a regular upon the juke box of Godfrey III.

 

Amoss has decided to play a live show for one night, and one night only, with the venue soon to be announced. The event shall feature a live performance from the titular star himself, featuring ballads such as: ‘Wizardman’, ‘Are you ready for Amoss?’ and ‘Godfrey and the Jets’.

 

Amoss will also be performing a magic show requiring volunteers from the live studio audience.

 

Tickets will go on sale soon, ensure that you purchase them early to avoid disappointment. When we caught up with the star he told us that there are plans to adapt his life story into an onstage biopic known as ‘Wizardman’.

 

About The Publishers

 

The Courlandic Publishing Company was formed on the 12th of the Grandharvest 1543, by Otto von Habsburg.

 

The Company takes inspiration from the old Petrus Printing Press, owned by Jacob Chapel, in the times of Tuvya Carrion. Dedicated to bringing the citizens of Felsen and Oren fresh news, which they deserve.

 

The company headquarters is found at 5 Horen Street, Helena. Vacancies are currently open, to apply please send a bird to Amoss the White or visit the office. The Company is also dedicated to publishing books of any kind. From Novels, to guides and spell tomes.

 

 

THE FOURTH ISSUE OF THE FELSEN TIMES, BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE COURLANDIC PUBLISHING COMPANY LTD.

 

CPC Ltd readily welcomes articles from aspiring writers, for a chance to appear in the next issue, please send your article to the publishers.

 

Advertisements can be purchased, to find out more, contact the publishers.

 

[Vege 4804]

The Emperor immediately sells all of his stocks in the Haensetic Property Development putting further downward pressure on the share price.

[sergisala 3451]

The Minister of Truth would approve this Edition of the Felsen Times and become a fan of It.

[NotEvilAtAll 10906]

Pervinca Applebrook would read this paper, chuckling all the time

”T’is beh proof tha’ t’eh bigguns ‘r inferior crea’ures. T’eir wri’ns ‘r so bad t’ey onleh good fa toile’ papah! Oi’m glad oi wasn’ born ah biggun!”

[KeatonUnbeaten 1103]

22 minutes ago, The Orenian Company said:

Norlandic Horse Husbandry Inc. : -12% MKT CPT (4320 Minas)

“I think you missed a few zero’s after the twelve, publisher; the Norlandic Horse company is completely bust after me and my colleague ‘relieved’ them of their stock,” one plucky gent would write in.

[Medvekoma 2073]

12 minutes ago, KeatonUnbeaten said:

“I think you missed a few zero’s after the twelve, publisher; the Norlandic Horse company is completely bust after me and my colleague ‘relieved’ them of their stock,” one plucky gent would write in.

 

Natalia Lazarescu, Imperial Chamberlain, turned to the Oren soldier shaking her head, holding onto the newspaper.

 

“It’s a teacup pattern. I was informed by post-vulture that the Norlandic Horse Company still does own horses and will (magically) exhibit an exponential growth, as most animal farms in Atlas seem to. I immediately purchased some shares, as your theft and the following slide made it unusually profitable.”

 

She offered a glass of brandy to the soldier, adding. “Buy low, sell high.”