1st Altar und Thron

[Draeris 3124]

Altar und Thron

First Edition, 1738

 

The greatest Hanseti publication enlightening our godly Patriots and contemporaries, wherever they might be. In every edition of ‘Altar und Thron’, we shed a divine light on the affairs of the Empire and the lifestyle of the pious man. Im Names Gottes.

 

HEAVY IS THE HEAD THAT SMOKES THE CACTUS GREEN

Princess Adryana was caught handling narcotics in the townsquare of Reza today, sending shockwaves through the pious community of Hanseti-Ruska. An anonymous priest commented: “It truly is barbaric, disgusting even! Our royalty doing drug deals so openly and blatantly. What is this? Helena?” as Siegmund Corbish stated: “As Senator, I fully support the use of narcotics for all our citizens. After all, when they are sober, they won’t vote for me.”

 

 

 

This shines an intricate light on the life of our royals, as many wellness-specialists were already concerned about the mental exercise that being smug requires. “Constantly raising your chin and demanding people to correctly address you, is a formula for insanity” Wellness-expert and staunch Hanseti Heinrich de Glüklich stated “Before you know it, you resort to narcotics to sleep. Then you take them to talk and then SNAP!” he would snap his fingers “You’re addicted, and make a fool out of yourself on the Reza town square!”

 

Insiders in the Duma tell us that the usage of narcotics among royalty will be discussed after the Duma election. This will be the first time that the Helenian opioid epidemic reaches the shores of Reza. Will our lawmakers hold the right people accountable, and keep our society rein und ordentlich?

 

THE SENATE ELECTION: A CHOICE BETWEEN JESTERS

Hanseti-Ruska went through its first Senate election in years, prompting a new pretender to the seat to arise against Reza insider and establishment candidate Siegmund Corbish. The pretender? A random Barclay peasant who thinks he can save the world. Or well, the Military, specifically.. We guess?

 

As the election is about to come to a close, many citizens are relieved that the intense campaign is finally ending. “We literally could not even mate.” a couple living near the tavern would state “Before I go in, there is shouting at the town square.. A Barclay Senator respects our troops! Just ignore the lunatic Natalya! King Andrik endorses his puppet Corbish! It truly disturbs our peace!”. Another guard would tell us “Brüder I enlisted to fight Elves and to gain a masculine reputation, but then suddenly the Marshal tells us to hand out flyers and harass a political candidate? I mean sure I’m getting paid, but I’m a guard right?”.

 

Whether this will set a worrying precedent for Hanseti politics is unsure. The Barclay candidate is tipped to win, but Reza insiders deem his policy to be deranged and populist. “Haexit, free ale, military spending? This smells like a scheme for the installation of a military junta” Chayim Silverstein, political analyst to King Andrik, would comment “We are a monarchy with a Duma that is also a part of this Empire. The fact that Konstanz can spout such nonsense, and get so high up in the polls? A scary time for the liberal-royal world order, fascism truly is on the rise”.

 

One of our reporters attended a Barclay rally near the cathedral of Old Reza, where chants could be heard, varying from “Lock her up! Lock her up!”, referring to Katya Volskaya, the vigilante hereticesse. As the crowd threw ale at a hay puppet of Siegmund, Konstanz would chant: “By the end of 1738, we are exiting the Empire! Deal or no Deal!” as the crowd chanted “Haexit, Haexit!”.

 

“Uhmm sweetie..” a female political analyst, Jennifer Rubinstein, interjected us “Haexit can never happen.. First, the Emperor must agree to it. Which he won’t. Secondly, the free movement of people and the exchange in academia and ideas outweigh any financial benefits we would get from Haexit”. 

 

We reached out to Konstanz’s Senatorial office with several questions surrounding Haexit. His spokesperson, Jacques de Beaumont, stated:  “By the money we get from Haexit, and the control we regain over our borders and trade deals, we can easily invest the money in societal projects such as free ale for all, our healthcare and a new golden cathedral to celebrate Hochmeister Mirtok”. When we pressed our doubts to the spokesperson, he ended the conversation with “It is obvious that your special interests paid you to say this. We refuse to talk with puppets of the Elven banking cartel”. 

 

OOC DISCLAIMER TO THOSE WHO CANNOT UNDERSTAND HUMOR:

ALTAR UND THRON, and all publications, memes and messages that stem from it or quote it, are all meant in pure irony and humour. We are not commencing Haexit nor disrespect anyone mentioned in the article. We are all one house, and for us to have a good Thanksgiving at the dinner table without drama, it needs to be known that this is all good jest. 

 

WHY ARE ELVES SO RICH?

In a world struck with famine, conflict and intrigue. How is it that a race, embattled by the strongest military machinations known to the realm, still outspend the average Human? Whether it is their golden armour, their lavish rounds in the tavern or their endless military stockpiles to bandit our roads, how do they pay for this?

 

After several insiders in Irrinor sent us ledgers from the poorly guarded Elven treasury, it was discovered that the Elves had massive commercial operations in Human settlements. “What would seemingly be a Human bank, is apparently run by elves” economist Laurence von Loden comments “Humans are tricked into thinking they’re buying or working for Humans, while in fact, Elves rub their hands and giggle in their treehut somewhere faraway.”

 

In the empty County of Harlingen for example, the Elves gather in the abandoned houses and scheme corporate takeovers. Notes taken during one of those meetings read: “The Humans have no idea what we’re doing, soon, all canals are owned by us!”. A Hanseti organization troubled by the disproportionate Elven influence in the Orenian economy is going to present their research to King Andrik soon. Leaks from the research report state demands such as: Creating a taskforce to dismantle Big Elven corporations, chronicle the presence of Elves better & the establishment of Human-only commercial organizations. 

 

OOC DISCLAIMER TO THOSE WHO CANNOT UNDERSTAND HUMOR:

ALTAR UND THRON, and all publications, memes and messages that stem from it or quote it, are all meant in pure irony and humour. We are not OOCly hating elves nor disrespect anyone mentioned in the article. We are all one house, and for us to have a good Thanksgiving at the dinner table without drama, it needs to be known that this is all good jest.

[kipps 726]

Anton Barclay looked up from the paper, watching all the commerce on the Rezan square “Them fooking elves” he said shaking his head, passing the paper to Konstanz

[Disheartened 809]

"It was literally dye. I checked it after when I went to have a talk with him about it. We all got upset with him over dye." Stated Adryana upon reading this, shaking her head.

[ReveredOwl 5639]

“Lock her up! Lock her up!” Boniface chanted alongside his friends at the rally.

[Emenzi 1069]

Andrik lofted his brow at the forged quotes from him, shaking his head as he grunted “Slander! Fin’ me tha’ fockin’ ***** and ave’ is’ tounge cut out and es’ hand removed” he’d grunt before going back to read the newspaper “Fockin’ poof I do nae even kno’ wha liberal or facism means..” he’d then motion for a servant to quickly find the King a thesaurus