TWO AND A HALF MEN - A CASTING CALL

[MRCHENN 4741]

 

 

 

In lieu of the great reformations that have come to His Majesty’s Kingdom, the Stassion Courts have organized a great historical production, based on an unfinished transcript curated by Emperor Philip III. The play depicts a hypothetical conversation between King Guy de Bar, Duke Francis Sarkozic, and Emperor John I, on perspectives following the Duke’s War and Horen Restoration. The casting audition will be held on this Owyn’s Flame of 1867, and the play is to be held on this Tobias’s Bounty of 1867. 

 

Francis Sarkozic, Duke of Adria: 

Guy de Bar, King of Oren:

John I, Holy Orenian Emperor: Played by Cornelius Derfey @EX. DERFEY

 

 

THE SCRIPT

 

The curtain rises to reveal John I, Francis Sarkozic, and Guy de Bar, sitting around a table in the Seven Skies.

 

Guy: You ruined everything for me. A year's hard work. Diligent service. All for naught.

Francis looks around, trying to search for… something.

John I: Being monarch was a service, not a reward.

Francis finds nothing.

Francis: NOTHING.

John I: That's where you are mistaken in thinking you were deprived in anything! It's a job, a duty, not a payment.

Francis begins to search for a reward of his own, yet again finds nothing.

Francis: NOTHING.

Guy: Perhaps if you treat it like one. Over the years, I've learned that power is whatever you make of it. I am content with the barony I have acquired. To me, it was fun. Poignant, good fun.

Francis: With the wife I demanded. With the children I am rearing.

John I: You are twisted and evil.

Guy: Fun with friends. Fun with my brothers. The desire to keep on going, to beat the odds.. it kept us together. It was glue. It solidified relationships and allowed us to harmonize.

Francis: John.

Francis holds an Al-Farsi lyre up to the ears of John I.

Francis: Listen.

Francis begins to play the Al-Farsi lyre, looking to Guy.

Francis: It’s good, right?

Guy: Hrm? Aye. Al-Farsi mood music.

John I: Francis, support my published chronicle. I wish to only contribute to a community.

Francis: Too late.

John I: What devilry is this?

Francis: Yoink!

Guy: Pah! You wish only to better yourself, to achieve some scheme you've concocted. But you do not better yourself in virtue, only in title.

John I: You are paranoid. I cannot blame you for being so...but you are nevertheless, as always, wrong.

Guy: I was wrong when I trusted you, sought your counsel and obeyed it. No more.

John I: I've gone as far as I can go in politics. They're interesting to me, but I have no desire to be an active participant.

Francis: So you'll become a Striga and suck the blood of earnest Heartlanders?

John I: On the contrary Guy! You were the rightest you've ever been, then. Had you not replaced me for people like Ivar Vanir, you may not have met the end you did!

Francis: What the Devil is wrong with you, scum?

Guy: Is that what you tell yourself...

John I: Lackwits with not a brain cell between them such as Ivar Vanir, Gereon de Savoie and Denis de Bar...it was an insulting relegation.

Guy: Is that what you tell others?- to uplift your own faith and that of others. I do not speak of Gereon. That was Olivier's lad. Denis and Ivar had potential.

John I: I tell others the truth, which most of them believe.

Guy: Did I place them above you? No. I made you me heir.

John I: Augustus and Ivar have the competency of my great toe.

Guy: Ashford Tanistry.

John I: A poor system of succession. The throne would have gone to Ivar.

Guy: To you. I was always honest with you.

John I: He had a better claim, I even conceded that, under my system and that of the realm.

Guy: Perhaps you find that difficult to believe...

John I: And you refused to have him done away with, so thus you became an impediment.

Guy: You brand him incompetent. And yet... you fear him? You fear the hypothetical. You often called him doggedly loyal to me, foolishly so.

John I: Not him in himself. He's an idiot and a weakling. But the Savoyard levies...they would have followed him, not me.

Guy: And yet you did not believe me when I said I could control him. They would have done as I told them!

John I: I've my doubts as to that.

Guy: You could have had a better reign than you did as John Frederick Horen.

John I: As a weakling king?

Guy: And a cleaner conscience. A smoother political career. This, I know!

John I: Your people had the throne for nigh thirty years and kept it as a kingdom. Where's the sense in that? 'Tis reflective of some create weakness.

Guy: And yet, when Oren became an Empire it was weaker than ever. Gloop stains everywhere! Dwarves massacring Orenian citizenry, soldiery.

John I: Except, once again, you are wrong.

Guy: And look where the Empire is now?

John I: We conquered a third of the dwarven realm. Neutralized the Caliphate as a threat. Only we were forced to stop that… Because Denis de Bar didn't want to pay his taxes.

Guy: The people that Hughes fought for in the Duke's War turned against your son. And with such ardor. The people that you let back into the realm. You- who said never trust a Flay! You- who said never trust a Vanir!

John I: 21 years of John Frederick's rule created a stronger empire than Guy de Bar's petty kingdom. My son's mismanagement is nothing to do with me.

Guy: You compare decades of delegation via letters to three years of a reign doomed to fail from the beginning. And yet, during those three years I still did all I could in my position.

John I: And so did I! What do you think I only gave it a half-try? If I could achieve moderate success with a half-try, then you flatter me by intimating what my full potential is...

Guy: Believe me I do not flatter you! I say that you had all the opportunities that I lacked.

John I: Say what hateful words you want, spew your spite and bile at your “robbed” reward… But you can't change fact. And fact is, I was greater than you were. And that's why you're bitter.

Guy: You went to much greater lengths than I, covertly speaking.

John I: For part of that, you cannot be blamed. You only had people like Denis de Bar and Sergius de Bar helping you: halfwits.

Guy: Covertly speaking, obviously, because you hardly did a thing in person.

John I: In contrast, I had Augustus d'Amaury and Lord Rothesay. Of course you pull that card.

Guy: You threatened Adrian with humiliation and pillaging, is this not true?

John I: Desperate to find some criticism, you invent a fact: He didn't show himself! You cry like a mad dog, He didn't come around! Well, I did. I made it a point to make myself present on average at one interval every month. With the exception of the last year of my reign, I met that criteria. I walked about once a day, and managed things as much in person as I could, combining it with delegation via letter. If you have an insult, come up with a factual one, not one that is the product of your own mind. And no, that's not true. It's illegal to threaten other Ausbrig members with humiliation and pillaging. Ask any member. I would have been booted if that were true.

Guy: If one Ausbrig members shares the letter’s contents though, they are not exempt. And since that church plot was planned out in letters, purely in letters.

John I: The Ausbrig can punish a whistleblower, yes. But I didn't take it upon myself to have anything to do with that. At the most I would have just requested he be kicked from the order.

Guy: You say that now but I doubt you kept such a level-head in the past considering the rage over Gary’s Module.

John I: Call it what you want, and mock it: that ' church plot' still knocked you off your perch. To do that it must have been pretty effective! Especially since no such plot worked against me, and I was present all the time. I think you have no right to mock and jape simply because I beat you, Guy. That's why I was frustrated with your Gary’s Module 'jests'. It was an impotent jab at me because you couldn't accept that I had won...

Guy: Your rage was impotent.

John I: Not… really. The best revenge was succeeding in every aspect where you had failed.

Guy: You put on a great show, for sure.

John I: Say what you want, but you got yourself assassinated. You led a divided Oren. I survived, and I let a united Oren, and when it could no longer be united I resigned to let someone who could unite it again take control.

Guy: Eh...

John I: There is no point holding ill will against me. It's over. I have no desire to take control of anything politically in the near future. But you hold that ill will because - as I have said - you are very bitter that I got you killed and I succeeded in every field where you had failed. You claim you were deprived of your chance for greatness, but you're all talk. If you were truly great, you never would have been tricked into dying in the first place. I think the same thing about Franz. He wasn't ready to be king- because if he had been, he wouldn't have fallen into the trap he did.

Guy: Don't think yourself too clever. I realized it was all a trap when I was up on that staircase. When Baldwin suddenly wanted to meet with me… Feigning warmth when for years he acted disenfranchised and cold. I did as I would do. I was my best because even in the end I stayed true to myself.

John I: You must accept your failures and move on and reform yourself. The difference between you or I is what motivates us is different. Self-interest motivates you, but patriotic interest motivates me. If you became emperor and led the realm into great success, I'd be the first to commend you. I would definitely not oppose you there. But if I did the same, which I have done to an extent, you would spit on me, as you have done, because of your hatred for me. That is why you're weak. Being emperor wasn't a reward, it was a job, and I did the best I could with all the resources at my disposal.

Guy: What motivates me when I rule is... ruling.

John I: You didn't care for anybody except yourself!

Guy: If you genuinely feel patriotic urges and identify as an Orenian in death that's your choice, but I can tell you that self-interest didn't motivate me.

John I: I don't identify as an Orenian in death, but I do always act in the way that I see as being to the benefit of the Orenian state and will happily put aside my personal interests for the benefit of that state.

Guy: Again you contradict yourself, saying I uplifted people that were incompetent, which actually just needed grooming and nurturing.

John I: You wouldn't do that, to you Guy de Bar's interests always came first. 

Guy: If I was acting in self-interest, I would have just agreed to assassinating Sergius de Bar and letting you be my only heir. Surely!

John I: No because you obviously saw Sergius as a greater asset than me.

Guy: Not Guy de Bar's. Savoy's.

John I: Which got you killed

Guy; You're either delusional or you're a fool.

John I: And that's just as weak as Guy de Bar's.

Guy: Either way I don't see how you can call yourself a great man.

John I: “Savoy's.” What happens when Savoy's contradict with Oren? What happens when they can no longer be one in the same?

Guy: Well, at the time there was nothing to Oren except Savoy.

John I: As they were at the end of the 18 Years’ War. You throw Oren under the cart, hence my point.

Guy: But do not forget that I tried bringing in old Adrian veterans... for the sake of the former, not the latter

John I: Maybe I'm not great.

Guy: That's actually why you broke off contact with me

John I: But I'm a good deal greater than you.

Guy: Do you remember that?

John I: That's for certain

Guy: You're a good deal better than me, by your own standards.

John I: Do you actually genuinely believe that shite?

Guy: Believe what shite?

John I: If I cared about Adrians coming back why would I immediately let them back myself? I was angry and frustrated at, in my eyes, being relegated for people like Ivar.

Guy: Gah! We talked about this in the past!

John I: I never forgot how he struck me in the street that one occasion...

Guy: I ******* know that it was a ruse. At the time I believed it.

John I: And I could never forget how he didn't get any punishment. 

Guy: Obviously it was a ******* jest! Considering the first day of your reign you said "A realm for all, Adrian, Savoyard, etc. alike.”

John I: That wasn't reflective of a change in policy

Guy: Yet before that you had quite a contrasting narrative. It's you who acts in self-interest.

John I: Oren’s interest.

Guy: Your patriotism for Oren is just self-interest evolved.

John I: I left Oren stronger than it was when I had came to it.

Guy: Think about it this way, John.

John I: If I cared more about self-interest than Oren's interest I would not have assassinated you.

Guy: You schemed, plotted, calculated your moves so as to gain power.. so as to gain the throne of Oren.

John I: Do you not think it could have saved me a great deal of trouble to just wait for you to die and accede afterwards?

Guy: That was not for the betterment of Oren, that was for your betterment! That was to gain the throne of Oren for yourself! Then once you had the crown upon your head, once you became Oren...

John I: Because I was the best emperor there could have been at the time, plain and simple.

Guy: Your interests became that of Oren's: they aligned.

John I: It was for the betterment of Oren. They had always aligned.

Guy: I don't think you were the best Emperor.

John I: I took the throne because I knew I was the best option.

Guy: The only asset you had that I lacked was a brace of advisers at your side.

John I: Better than anyone at the time, for certain. Much better than you, Ivar, Gereon, or any of the other farcical candidates. Titus de Sola would have been better than I, but he didn't want it. Same with Lord Rothesay.

Guy: You're no inspiring personality, no brilliant strategist in war, you're "not a likeable person" in your own words.

John I: And yet I was still the best possible emperor. How is that?

Guy: I pitied you for most of your reign because of the prayers you sent me. “And yet I was still the best possible emperor.” How is that? You said it yourself: “I had Augustus d'Amaury and Lord Rothesay.”

John I: And here you are, desperately grasping for excuses to undercut me to undermine any success I experienced. It's the mark of a madman.

Francis: Cool it.

John I: Of course I couldn't be expected to fully share the load Guy but...

Guy: I seem desperate?

John I: Again, it doesn't change fact.

Guy: John, your words are empty.

John I: Even if I didn't have the advisors I did, you would find another.

Guy: You made me feel sorry for you when you were emperor.

John I: Not quite. They carry with them the weight of twenty-one years of hard work and success. Your’s carry with them 3 years of failure and endless failed subterfuge.

Guy: You tried garnering my sympathies by setting yourself out to be some pitiful figure.

John I: It evidently didn't work. I tried, though...

Guy: Now that it's all said and done you gloat and pat yourself on the back because of the work that your privy council and the dwarves did for you.

John I: Doesn't change the fact the truth was very different.

Guy: Orenians would rally under Siegmund Corbish if there was an external enemy that threatened their sovereignty, believe me. You are no great leader, you are no great man. I am not angry that you did as you did.

John I: Maybe I'm not, but as I've said and as I will continue to say, I am still an infinitely greater leader and man than you. I am still an infinitely greater emperor, and until you're in the position I'm in you'll never prove me otherwise.

Guy: What position is that?

John I: That of a ruler of course.

Guy: You’re not alive anymore. Neither am I! We are in the same position.

John I: I understand you are still bitter and you lash out to me to try and undercut my successes to make yourself feel better about your failures.

John I: "John doing well as emperor doesn't count anyway because he had Rothesay and d’Amaury."

Guy: Well obviously it does count. Your reign was memorable, but the fact remains that John Frederick Horen was not memorable. You were not memorable except for the brazen covert letters.

John I: I say both were more so than Guy de Bar and Savoy. A sad young man still infuriated at how he was rendered bereft of his chance to rule. It's what I was for a few years as well, so I don't blame you. But people will remember the first monarch of the Fifth Empire who beat the dwarves into relative submission, the coward and the craven who was a soldier when he had to be.

Guy: Do not put yourself in my boots, and do not liken me to you. that is the most insulting thing you have done this evening.

John I: More than they do Guy de Bar, the petty Savoyard monarch. Take it as a compliment.

Guy: I don't see anyone talking about John Frederick anymore.

John I: Because as I've been saying you'd be less of a disgrace if you were as capable as me.

Guy: That's the truth of it, really.

John I: And I don't see anyone talking about Guy de Bar anymore either.

Guy: Francis! Back me up on this one.

John I: So what kind of standard is that?

Guy: I have an abundant bias, obviously. Francis! 

John I: Regardless, you revile my actions, but why do you revile me is the real question.

Guy: Francis is asleep, but I will break it down.

John I: I forgave everybody involved in the assassination of Franz even before I returned from Aeldin.

Guy: Hold it. You forgive when it suits you. You hold grudges when it suits you. You're a very pragmatic man, I do not revile you for it… But on a moral level, I wouldn't stoop to that level!

John I: What difference does it make, honestly? Jack Rovin, August de Montfort, Decterum, Lord Rothesay, I held no ill will against them. I did for a while after the event, but I forgave them as of 1520. Rovin, granted, I still don't like, for different reasons though, he's very difficult to work with.

Guy: That was not what you said during 1520. You forgave them once they could be of assistance. I don't give a ****, though!

John I: Lord Rothesay wasn't even around until my reign began.

Guy: It doesn't matter by then you had an external enemy knocking on your door. Actually, doing more than that. They were knocking down the door by then.

John I: You've got your chronology wrong since I had forgiven Lord Rothesay by the time he was praising Godfrey of Petrus of the late 1400s.

Guy: You had an external enemy people were anxious to rally against

John I: Even if I did disagree with his politics. Again, another attempt to undercut my achievements. It's reflective of your self-interest.

Guy: Eh?!

John I: Because if you had achievements worth noting, I can assure you I would not undercut them in such a fashion, since after all they'd have been performed in Oren's interests.

Guy: Prithee! In the words of Marcus Rubicon...

John I: The rape of the orc lands for instance.

Guy: Stop ramming this down my throat.

John I: Twas commendable.

Guy: First off, how do I have my chronology wrong?

John I: And I shan't say "No, it wasn't you, it was your advisor." I had forgiven Lord Rothesay by the time he was praising Godfrey of Petrus of the late 1400s.

Guy: Ah, ah? What has that got to do with anything? You can't prove that you mended your relationship with Rothesay just like I can't prove I would have made a good king, nay, emperor if I had the chance. But regardless… by then you had an external enemy knocking on your door. Right, so Lord Rothesay was already around for that?

John I: I'm saying that I had forgiven Lord Rothesay long before I had need of his assistance

Guy: I see… so my statement stands

John I: And long before I had any sort of enemy around. Long before I was emperor.

Guy: Back to your mention of the orc lands, though… I'm characterizing the reign of John Frederick, whereas you're referencing a very specific occurrence in which, with Vladov assistance, I had men trained and recruited by me against an enemy that I was on the frontlines against. I'm sure you thought up or were directly responsible for a commendable deed yourself during your reign, but for the most part I suspect that other factors were at play. Without those factors you would be, as Uthor Silverblade summed it up, armorless, naked, worthless.

John I: What I mean is that your hatred for me and your bitterness at being assassinated has left you blinded and unable to recognize a single good thing about my reign, where countless others even in your general camp can recognize that. Your attempts to undercut me, undermine my efforts and portray me as categorically inept are merely a reflection of your own self-interest - it's in your own interest that you would have been monarch, not me, and so you attempt to rationalize that by deriding my successful efforts, efforts which a wide number of individuals accept were successful. In contrast, I would not dream of doing the same thing for you - you had several great accomplishments, I just don't think you had many during your three years as king. It shows that I'm looking at these things from an objective, Oren-centred viewpoint whereas you're looking at them from a self-centered, Savoy subjective viewpoint where ”I didn't get what I wanted so it's therefore bad”. Was I angry Franz was assassinated? Very. Does that mean Peter Chivay's reign was shite? No, it wasn't. I'm not half as great as he is. He was a much better emperor than I ever could have been, and for that reason it could be argued it was good he was assassinated. I've never claimed that Peter's reign was poor, not even directly during it or after it. Robert's is another story but for different reasons. That's where I think the fundamental difference is between you and I in terms of self-interest and Oren's interest. If I took the throne again and led Oren into a golden age, you'd claim it was a dark age. If you took the throne and led Oren into a golden age, I'd say it was a golden age, what it was. It's a difference in perspective that until you learn to get over compromises your abilities totally.

Guy: thank you for restating your general musings in different words, the same musings you've expressed throughout the conversation. You make an interesting point with Peter and Robert Chivay, the latter of which still had far more potential than both you and me.

John I: Mock me all you want but you cannot refute it.

Guy: And yet still you spoke ill of him.

John I: I agree, but I didn't think highly of him at the time. I was wrong.

Guy: I can't peer into your consciousness or your mind.

John I: I thought he was weaker than Peter, I only really realized he was infinitely stronger later on.

Guy: I can't prove your narrative twisted, designed to cast you in a better light.

John I: You can't prove it wrong, either.

Guy: But anyone with half a brain and as much experience with you as me definitely will agree with what I've said.

John I: I have my doubts as to that.

Guy: And if you intend to demoralize me with telling me a few people in my camp spoke against me, such as Axel Franz, it's not working.

John I: I'm not attempting to do anything such as demoralize you, I'm merely telling you the truth. I haven't once lied to you in this conversation...

Guy: Because at least I have a people I can turn back to and enjoy other passions with, enjoy the afterlife with most of all.

John I: So do I. Ausbrig are the only helpers I will ever need. They're inviolable and will never betray me.

Guy: On threat of pillaging and humiliation.

John I: They know the penalty.

Guy: Very... effective. Regardless, I must retire for the night.

John: What's wrong with having rules? I will say, though, I never threatened Adrian with pillaging or humiliation.

Guy: I have a game of water rugby in the morning.

John I: As I said, that's highly illegal, it's against the Ausbrig codex. I would not be able to have gotten away with that. All he would have needed to do was tell Zacharias and I would have been kicked forever.

Guy: Aye, Adrian didn't warn me because he figured that'd be whistleblowing most likely.

John I: Well he's right, it would have been, but has he claimed that I said if he whistle blew he'd be humiliated? Because that's a complete fabrication.

Guy: We haven't spoken of it, really.

John I: I said if anyone whistle blows they'll be kicked but I've never threatened that.

Guy: What's done is done. If our roles were reversed, he could have counted on being warned, though. I will say that.

John I: That's not my issue

Guy: Right. Good night.

Francis awakens, looking to the ashes of a tavern in the distance. He then scrawls something in his notebook.

Francis: I think we know who the real winners are.

[Guest]

Edward Naples Derfei, the esteemed actor from plays such as Bobby's Dismal, Dismal Day applies for the position of the esteemed Emperor John. "Oh my God," he said. "He's just like me!"

[Hephaestus 1326]

Gianni "Johnny" Cipriani, reputable Aeldinic actor and playright, arguably most widely recognised for his role in the Harrenite production, Fearghus Buehul's Afternoon Away, submits an audition for the half-man in the act, Guy de Bar.

[sergisala 3451]

"Interesting, truly interesting." said a loyal follower of the Old Kingdom of Courland by the name of Tobias Jr. the Jester