Sebastian's Journal

[Star Whale 115]

Sitting misplaced on the armrest of a chair  within the basement of Victor's camp lay a leather bound  journal the quality of which suggests the book is new and recently acquired  within the book several  pages have been written on containing some of Sebastian's recent thoughts

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wonder if I'm really making much of a difference lately I feel confident about myself and what I can do and yet...

 

Yet I often don't really feel like anything I do results in anything how many Darkspawn have I helped slay how many times has the info I provided been usefully to anyone  how many times have my actions saved anyone's life...

 

I feel like most of what I do is barebones or is next to nothing anything I learn goes nowhere or simply leads to nothing all the "leads" I think I find really end up getting me and everyone around me nothing...

 

I struggle to believe I do anything for the Rangers or the Guard for that matter especially when I'm surrounded by so many capable individuals all the Sers in the Realm probably do a week's worth of my job in a single afternoon and then there's Victor...

 

His trip up the mountain made he realize just how useless I am without his direction heck the first day he left I lost my mind and had to stay locked down here for a week!

then when I finally got a hold of myself I realized it didn't much matter everything and everyone continued on without me it was like I simply had no place in the world to begin with and even when he is here all I really am is a background character to his story...

 

I'm suppose to be his "apprentice" or maybe "understudy" as he would like to call it but neither of those titles really fit me well what have I really learned from him other than I'll never be like the man I follow around like a lost puppy everyday what have I done that shows I'm one day gonna be capable of standing on my own without him all I am is simply more for him to deal with putting up my front to make him think I have a handle on things when I don't putting on an act around him so I don't have to accept the fact I most likely give the man nothing to work with on a daily basis....

 

And Yet I still look up to him still follow him on his day to day errands while he most likely deals with the real stuff when I'm not looking I wonder how many times he's done that?

regardless I try what I can to be of some help any help to him or anyone in the city but all I really feel like is a bother to them all despite all the time that's passed all the confidence I've built up no matter how many weapons and supplies I carry or what armor I wear on my back I am still the same man who nearly died in those woods all those years ago I'm still the one who could've do anything for that group only now it's all on a larger scale now I simply can't do anything for the Guard or the Realm as a whole and with my track record I'll most likely end up dying pathetically out of sights and out of mind of the important people of this land simply a nameless no one who thought he could be someone....