You're A Mean One, Mr. Snitch

[Papa Liam 960]

 

As the dawn of Krugsmas Eve came to a close, tales of a rotten, mean Gremlin scurrying about made it's way across Axios. This Gremlin, Jolly McGee, who is otherwise called "The Snitch," was out to ruin Krugsmas! Law enforcement from all around advised travelers to be weary of the small creature, as he may attempt to do whatever he can to spoil Krugsmas for you and your family, may he steal your presents, eat your celebratory food, or what have you. An unknown poet had written a poem in an attempt to appease The Snitch, but it seems to have only enraged him more!

 

Spoiler

 

Original spin-off by Aesopian

 

Every Orc down in Orcville liked Krugsmas a lot...
But the Snitch, who was named Jolly McGee, did not!
The Snitch hated Krugsmas! The whole Krugsmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his ears weren't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his warts were not alright.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, his brain or his warts,
He stood there on Krugsmas Eve, hating the Orcs,
Staring up from his cave with a sour, Snitchy decoy,
At the dim lighted windows above in their Goi.
For he knew every Orc down in Orcville beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a Krugsmas wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Krugsmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Snitchy fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find some way to stop Krugsmas from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the Orc fe’kubs and kubbies,
They’d all rush for their toys, like a litter of puppies!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Orcs, young and old, would stand up for a Klomp.
And they'd Klomp! And they'd Klomp! And they'd KLOMP!
KLOMP, KLOMP, KLOMP!
They would Klomp with clan leaders, and rare desert beasts.
Which was something the Snitch couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Orc down in Orcville, the big and the small,
Would stand close together, with Krugsmas bells ringing.
They'd stand aside, and the Snagas would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Snitch thought of this slave-Krugsmas Sing,
The more the Snitch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for seven Saint’s years I've put up with it now!"
"I must stop this Krugsmas from coming! But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE SNITCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Snitch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Kruggy Claus hat and a coat.
And he snortled, and snickered, "What a great Snitchy thug!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Ol’ Krug!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Grinch looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Snitch simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his pet Purg, Grax. Then he took some thread,
And he tied some big ears on the top of his head.
Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle board and he hitched up old Grax.
Then the Snitch said, "Giddap!" And the board started up,
Toward the homes where the Orcs lay asnooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet sand filled the air.
All the Orcs were all dreaming bloody dreams without care.
When he came to the first little blarg on the square.
"This is stop number azh," the old Snitchy Claus gnawed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his claws.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Kruggy could do it, then so could the Snitch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the little Orcs stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he smirked, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a grin most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Daggers! And saddles! Schrek figurines!
Shackles! And loincloths! The skull of a queen!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Snitch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the thanhiumbox. He took the Orcs' snack!
He took the Orc-stew! He took the roast Skaddernak!
He cleaned out that thanhiumbox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Snitch even took their last can of Orc-hash!
Then he stuffed all the grub up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Snitch, "I will stuff up the tree!"
The Snitch grabbed the tree, and he heaved-and-ho’d,
When he heard a small sound like a baby Bokolo.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Kub!
Little Snubby’Lork Orc, who wielded a toy club.
The Snitch had been caught by this tiny Orc crud,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of warm blood.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Kruggy Klaus, wy,”
"Wy iz latz tayking mi’z Krugsmaz tree? WY?"
But, you know, that old Snitch was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Kruggy Claus lied,
"There's a shiny on this tree that won't shine on one side."
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear."
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the Kub. Then he patted her head,
And he got her the blood and he sent her to bed.
And when Snubby’Lork Orc went to bed with her skull,
He hoisted the tree up, holding it by the hull!
Then the last thing he took was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of grub that he left on the roof,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a Lur’Wolf.
Then he did the same thing to the other Orcs' rooves,
Leaving crumbs much too small for the other Orcs' Lur’Wolves!

It was quarter past day... All the Orcs, still a-bed,
All the Whos, still asnooze when he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three dozen feet down! Down the cave of Trash Pit,
He rode with his load to the bottom to dump it!
"SkahSkah to the Orcs!" he was Snitchingly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Krugsmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their tusks will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Orcs down in Orcville will all weep Boo-Hoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Snitch, "That I simply must hear!"

So he paused. And the Snitch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the sand.
It started all crammed. Then, he was damned.
For the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Orcville! The Snitch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Orc down in Orcville, the big and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Krugsmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Snitch, with his Snitch-feet sun-hot in the sand,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How isn’t it bland?"
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Snitch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Krugsmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Krugsmas ...Perhaps ...Means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well… in Orcville they say,
That the Snitch's small brain grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his brain didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with the toys through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the grub for the feast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Snitch Klomped the rare, desert beast!

 

The Snitch is considered to be non-lethal, but do be wary, for he may steal your gifts!

 

[DarkElfs 160]

"large being grumbled thinking he may finally get a taste green snake this year" fud b-bettar wenz greenz

[Suxals 529]

34 minutes ago, Papa Liam said:

Axios

O.o?

[_Sug 2809]

1 hour ago, Papa Liam said:

it's way across Axios.

"Thank the Aenguls we're safe in our new land. I'd hate to have that cretin running about in Atlas." A young dark elf would retort to those he was with upon hearing the news.

[Chorale__ 2147]

Moved to The Great Library. It shall be sorted into the appropriate category shortly.

 

If you feel this is a mistake, please contact myself or any FM and we'll restore it.