newspaper DNN #37

[gremlockgremlin 755]

Edition #37

 

Breaking news! Half of Heffrum has left and in it's abscence a new business will open!  Wood elfs are now finally gone?!! Alaric Grimgold is wanted for treason and an alleged failed assasination of him has happend?!!! Zahir Irongrinder has eliminated all measured corruption in Urguan by 100%!!! Ulfar Starbreaker has been diagnosed with obesity after latest checkup!!! Frostbeard Goods stock tanked yet again at the latest Urguan stock exchange!!! 

 

This is the last stonemonth's news recapped by your favourite intern and reporter Hakkon Irongrinder. Lets Arruu en too da news!!!

 

Firstly I, Hakkon Irongrinder as well as my dear friend and college Darid Irongrinder has to congratulate the Hefrumms ability to get themselves fired as well as evicted from Urguan lands. It is refreshing to see that a sweeping Umgor'dwed victory has finally come to our great nation. Dravlon and his corrupt cohort has left, we can now finally focus on proposals on what to do with these new unoccupied lands. Many dwarves ask themselves what will happen to Hefrumm now that the traitors has been expelled and fired. Well dwedmar, dwedlon and dwedki a Dwedcorp sister company known as Dwed'Donalds will open soon if they can secure a deal with Grandking Ulfar Starbreaker. Dwed'Donalds has begun plans on making Hefrumm into a parking lot for it's halfling customers but the enviromental regulations are currently blocking this new venture. Tho it is reported that Ulfar might remove these regulations too and I quote "bring jobs back to Urguan." It has been confirmed that with the corrupt officials in Heffrum gone the illegal wood elves are as well. It is has been a good month for the patriots of Urguan.

 

Secondly, Alaric Grimgold has now flead the country due being put up for execution in Urguan court due to having been accused of commiting treason and in Darid Irongrinders words "We all saw it comming". But Alaric is not only living sunbathing on Glodistan beaches somewhere on Aevos, no he has had an alleged failed assasination attempt and as for the networks stance we say and I quote "Should have used a boomsteel vest". 

In other news. Zahir Irongrinder has miracolously eliminated all measured corruption in the legislative branch of Urguanite government. He has done so by abolishing the anti-corruption agencies as they were unpatriotic and fake with their studies. We on the DNN can calmly say that "there can't be any corruption if you don't know of it" and we can assure that you common dwed are in safehands as this government is the most truthful and professional it has been since the days of Jorvin and Norli. 

On the topic of Grandkings, Ulfar Starbreaker has been reported to have been diagnosed with obesity at his latest health checkup and it is alarming that Grandkings this stone year have fallen for a plethora of health problems like "Khorvadic minddemons" and "being married to a goldhand". We must watch carefully to see what happens to Ulfars health as it is speculated he can become so obese he can no longer move his ass of the Obsidian Throne. 

For the economy. Frostbeard Goods.inc struggle to compete on the Urguanite market as they have reported another quaterly net loss of revenue. The Frostbeard stakeholders have paniced and so the stock has fallen a dramatic 100,000,000,000% (1 billion%) which is historic. This shows how unfathomly patriotic the Urguan populace has been as they have rejected Kaz'ulrah sympathizers and sepratists. 

 

This has been the news from yours truly Hakkon and Darid Irongrinder, unpaid intern and reporter at the DNN. 

 

We take a moment to thank our sponsors Gotrek Industries and Dwedcorp. 

 

You may request a news story or interview through mail or use of discordian magics. 

 

Patriotic an proud news letter of Urguan!

[D3F4LT 1026]

Nagorain Emberhorn took a good time to read as its been a while since he held a DNN newspaper. He drank his mead as he then continued to work at building port Goldhorn.

[Scatmanpro 275]

Bromdor Goldhand would shake his head as he read the newspaper. "T'ae assasination.... Dinnaeh speak ef t'at!"

[Reece Nolan 996]

"Weh 'ave envestigatehd ourselves ahnd found nuffin' wrong."

[gremlockgremlin 755]

Just now, Reece Nolan said:

"Weh 'ave envestigatehd ourselves ahnd found nuffin' wrong."

 

[Hrokaz 631]

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIIIIIGHT!"

 

 

[confusedjester 812]

Morana Silverbraid read the DNN. "..Dinnae even know ye needed ae diagnosis. Ye jus' got tae look at 'im.." She muttered as she read about Ulfar's obeseness.