On Telemari

[Esterlen 4499]

 

ON TELEMARI

A brief guide

C. 1745

 

---

 

 

 

What is a telemari?

 

The term ‘telemari’ is derived from the apocryphal Kingdom of Telemar, which was well-known to chroniclers as the first reference to these people in history.

 

A telemari is an anomaly. It is a person who belongs to a ‘civilisation’ (If you can call it that) with no history, no culture, and incredibly little of any worth. The primary means by which he gets what he wants is by begging. If that is not successful, he will swindle or rob you. He prefers to stab you in the back, and feels no shame in betraying you. 

 

Having a friendship with a telemari is comparable to having a friendship with a crazed and rabid dog - likely to be very brief, and you will inevitably get bitten.

 

What is the character of a telemari?

 

A telemari is, by his very nature, a parasite. He has never worked an honest profession in his life. He begs, lies, cajoles and steals. He has no loyalty to anyone except himself, no honour of code of ethics. 

 

He is illiterate, though, and typically rather cowardly. A simple census-taker is enough to scare him into hiding, possibly because he is deeply ashamed of his illiteracy or possibly because he fears apprehension for his crimes if his identity becomes known.

 

What do telemari want?

 

As they are to humanity as cockroaches are to the insect family, telemari are governed by their most basic urges. Coin and material goods are an example of such, but the most significant is their lust for titles.

 

The telemari pursues titles, especially titles of aristocracy, that he does not deserve. He will imagine up that he is a ‘prince’, or an ‘archduke’, or the ‘lord high everything else’. Telemari never have real noble blood. They are imposters whose ancestors were of an unwanted, nomadic criminal caste for hundreds of years. 

 

Telemari are incredibly self-aggrandizing, and will name anything they can after themselves. This is also partially because they have no folk heroes, as they have no history or legends. 

 

In his pursuit of titles, he will go to the Great Deceiver for aid, an Ibleesian entity who will promise him the world while operating exclusively in the shadows. The Great Deceiver’s primary tactic is to promise the impossible, which appeals greatly to the telemari, as he covets what he does not deserve.

 

If you do not give a telemari what he is begging you for, or perhaps you do not show him the respect he claims he is owed by virtue of his fabricated titles, he will become furious and violent with you.

What else makes a telemari a telemari? 

 

The most defining aspect of a telemari (Other than his shameless behaviour) is that despite his claims otherwise, his people have no culture and no history. Until around sixty years ago, they were nomadic and travelled in caravans, lying, swindling and murdering. They had no systems of writing before that time, and no history that has not been fabricated after-the-fact. 

 

How do you tell a telemari by his name?

 

Well, the answer is that you can’t by that alone. Telemari purloin their names from other cultures, whether they are Heartlander, Highlander, or Farfolk. Perhaps between themselves they call each other by arcane and mysterious true names, however, if this is the case, it is not known to us. 

 

They do this for two reasons: firstly, because they have no cultural heritage, no language, no names of their own to employ in the first place. Secondly, the telemari desires to blend in, to assuage his targets of their own security by presenting an image of familiarity. One must constantly keep an eye out for this insidious trickery. 

 

What faith do telemari profess?

All sorts of faiths, but usually Canonism in contemporary times. No other faith can provide them with the necessary cover they need to stab as many victims in the back as they can, and steal as much from them as they can. They do, however, have no loyalty to this faith and would renounce it at a moment’s notice if it will help them get what they want, as they have no principles. 

 

What do I do if I encounter a telemari?

 

Telemari must be avoided at all costs. The first thing you must do if you encounter a telemari is ignore him. Most likely, he will persist and beg you for money.

 

If ignoring fails, you must turn to him, and you must say: “Go away, telemari!” with a forceful voice. 

 

If this does not work, you must defend yourself. 

 

Where do telemari live?

 

They have a presence everywhere, but primarily live in the Gypsywood north of Kaedrin, south of Haense and west of Curon. 

[LithiumSedai 5750]

”Luckily, there are no usurpers in our Empire,” smugly declared a Waldenian admirer of Helena, counting the days until a Carrion inherits the Horenic throne of Oren.

[Gallic 1066]

Llenn, Chieftess of the Songbirds, who’s tribe has lived in wagons and traveled for generations now and have a history dating back to the first people, feels moderately insulted by the publication and shows it to her travelling folk for a nice group grumbling.

[nevy40 405]

“Ave wise scholar! I am Ser Loras of Lorraine, the last great Knight Captain of Lorraine. I commend you on this fine piece of literature. I’ve ventured to the lands which you describe. I’ve bore witness firsthand to the Telemari. Your description of them is both accurate and befitting. In short – I agree with you! God bless!

 

P.S.

Oh by the way, I am sure this piece of literature will generate a handsome purse of Mina for you. Folks from all over the land will purchase this piece of  paper  to learn from it! Would you consider donating some of the proceeds to the Restoration of Lorraine fund? ”
 

Ser Loras would finish writing the letter, seal it with fresh wax, and send it off.

[Esterlen 4499]

9 minutes ago, nevy40 said:

“Ave wise scholar! I am Ser Loras of Lorraine, the last great Knight Captain of Lorraine. I commend you on this fine piece of literature. I’ve ventured to the lands which you describe. I’ve bore witness firsthand to the Telemari. Your description of them is both accurate and befitting. In short – I agree with you! God bless!

 

P.S.

Oh by the way, I am sure this piece of literature will generate a handsome purse of Mina for you. Folks from all over the land will purchase this piece of  paper  to learn from it! Would you consider donating some of the proceeds to the Restoration of Lorraine fund? ”
 

Ser Loras would finish writing the letter, seal it with fresh wax, and send it off.

 

A letter is returned to Ser Loras’ return address in the mail. 

 

”Dear sir,  

 

Your words do me great service, and I am pleased that you concur with my hypothesis on these wastrels. It would be my pleasure to donate any proceeds of this work to your foundation. Enclosed you shall also find a promissory note which you may redeem at the nearest branch of the Denims-Therving Bank, drawn from my account there. 

 

Warmest regards, 

A Friend to Augustus.”

[Trenchist 864]

"They have neither the intelligence, the industry, the moral habits or desire for improvement." Calls a one-eyed veteran to a line of recruits, a cigar sticking from his lips.

 

"What explains all the monsters in that cursed Gypsywood? the Baba Yaga that abducts stray boys, the damned sorcereres that lay deep underground, if not for their dealings with that Great Deceiver (cursed be his name), that makes them Men no longer?" sums the Sergeant, preparing to set on a new offensive against the gypsies.

[Reckless Banzai Screamer 15456]

Spoiler

((repost for low effort, please donate rep or cash app ty))

 

Adventurer Joseph of the Meiyerditch Guild spits out some chewing tobacco into a little spittoon he kept by his feet after a long while of reading the missive on the Telemari. ”No wonder they left me out to rot outside their walls and let the bandits get me,” he spoke to no one but himself in the room. ”Theys only innit for themselves, GOD damn them! Surely this will be the last time I venture out to the gypsywood!” Joseph, having riled himself up, pours himself another mug of mead in his guild quarters and pulls out some more chewing tobacco to chew.

 

 

[shortchangehero 4217]

The lothranian knight couldn’t help but laugh whilst reading the parchment.

 

“Although he insults my allies, the scholar writes truth. ‘tis a shame greed tends to corrupt the ambitious and create sad displays of self-adulation,” he’d mutter before releasing a deep sigh. “Loras, remember that we fight for men whom partook in the genocide of our people, against others who knew this and did nothing.”