GoodGuyMatt 7072 Share Posted December 16, 2021 THOUGHTS OF A FALLEN COUNT - JOURNAL I THE SINS OF ERNST BARCLAY Greatly inspired by @Xarkly 's own Memoirs of a Silent Knight posts, the “Thoughts of a Fallen Count” are accounts and journals of the life of Ernst Barclay, written by the character themselves. All the information written will not be public knowledge until they are shared officially or shared in roleplay. Spoiler Ernst and his men departing to the highlands of Hanseti-Ruska. So have I left, so have I parted. North I ride, with my men and my sons. I leave back what was mine, and to turn to my family, to my roots, and to my ancestors. It has not been an easy decision, but it was a necessary one. It was one of spiritual importance, and from what my mortal mind could understand, it was what GOTT wished for me to do. So do I understand the message, although I am far from a perfect man, far from even a good one, for only GOTT is good. Yet, through my life I have caught a glimpse of how He works through us all, how his will is executed. Man likes to think that his life is his own, and he thinks that the divine will is only realized through contact with GOTT’s Aenguls and through revelations. Yet, Man lies to himself, for it was GOTT that gave him his life, as He gave life to all of creation, and his divine will is present everywhere. Why do us mortal ants require seeing GOTT and his Aenguls to understand that our work is for him? Why do we persist that we must witness the unimaginable that breaks all laws of nature in order to call it a miracle or a vocation by GOTT? I have come to realize that He can reveal his will through chains of mundane events, so perfectly timed that on second thought it leaves a man baffled at the thought of what really happened. It was all connected to my sins. Since my youth I have been a man of both vision and ambition. Raised in the south amongst my brothers and Barclay brethren, I was able to briefly meet King Georg before his demise, and before his unfortunate demise. He too was a man of ambition, one that I perceived as good ambition. Through will, determination and hard work he put down those who had corrupted Sutica, and strived to fix it. So, similarly, did I take note to be equally active in my pursuits, and so I was. In my fifteenth or sixteenth year I joined the last council of Sutica as Treasurer, I poured my heart and fortune into my efforts, and after the dissolution of the Kingdom and founding of Savoy did I continue these same pursuits. Sutica in the eyes of the last council was a lost cause, and it was better to let it fall into a canonist nation after the fall of Queen Johanna I. My cousin, Obrecht, however, did not see eye to eye with such. He came forth to Prince Olivier, challenging him for his sins of killing the Sutican legacy. My cousin had a good heart, a strong and willful one. One that I would only wish to have in my dreams. I am a bad man. It has now been many years since Obrecht, with his broken leg, stepped in front of the two Oliviers of Savoy, the Prince and his son and heir in front of their own court. A duel was nigh, a duel to face the sins of Olivier Renault, and his son would fight for him against Obrecht for them. We had gathered before my cousin approached the Privy Council of the Prince, and before we left, had Olivier Renault advised his men to stop the duel only if his own Son would appear to be losing. It was an act of cowardice and dishonor, and I knew it. Yet, I defended it. Not only did I defend it, but in my pursuit to persuade my cousin into dropping the challenge to the duel, I condemned him to the Void. I called him a disgrace to our kin. Yet, I was the disgrace, I was the sinner. My reason? So that this Prince would not view me as a traitor and as an enemy, so that I could keep my good status in his eyes during my road to achieve my goal, to fulfill my ambition. I sold my kin and my soul, my honor and my blood. And for what? For a good look before a man who would help fulfill my ambition. Obrecht died that day, his injuries and wounds too great. When I saw him fall, I understood what I had done, only then did I realize the man I had become. Yet, to deal with my sins, I sinned further. I protected the Prince’s name in front of the gathered, and I dismissed his foul play. Done so for the same reason as before. The duel between Obrecht Barclay and Olivier the Younger within the Savoyard Palace. As I turned on my cousin, my brother turned on me. Jurgen saw it all, and whilst I backed the dishonorable with my own dishonor, he backed the honorable with his own honor. He hated me for my sins, and I hated myself too. Many tears I shed then, and so I ran out of tears when I was sixteen. For many months I remained silent, I begged for forgiveness from the LORD and my cousin. Yet, I found none, for I deserved none. With my honor tainted, I continued on my pursuits, I worked hard and soon became Baron, and then Count. I achieved my ambition, a town I erected from the forest land of the southern islands, men I made to join my banner and swear loyalty to my name. Yet, I deserve no loyalty, for I had none to my own brethren, to my own blood. Then, many years later, I fell ill. The Agues I caught, and my hard work had to halt, I was to step back from the further pursuit of my ambition, and GOTT made it so I had no choice but to do so. For a year I fell ill, and through this year, so did what I had built. I came back to a weakened County, to one that only I could maintain. Then, came the schism, led by my own second cousin, Christoff. Then so did Olivier Renault, for whose good eye of whom I sold my soul and my kin, left his own Savoy behind, pursuing his own ambition into Imperial politics, leaving his own heir with an unstable populace so as to gain his own power . He is now publicly known for his further sins and his plots, for his unquenched ambition and his aims of power. And so, I asked myself, why in all my years I only became ill only when all of this chaos erupted. Then I realized my sickness was no curse, but a blessing. Only then did I realize that my ambition was earthly, and for it I had committed many sins. Yet, GOTT, in his incomprehensible grace, saw fit to open the eyes of a sinner like me. So I saw that my ambition had led me to wilt my soul, and so it would continue doing if I was to not stop it, it would not stop, and like Olivier, I would leave all I had built for more personal power. Thus, did I decide to stop it. I decided to drop what I had worked for, and to pay for my sins which I committed because of my ambition, by killing my own ambition. I decided to abdicate my titles, and move with my family to aid it, so that I may redeem myself from such. Yet, so far I fear to tell anyone of my sins, I have even been unable to confess them to a priest, for my wretched soul, although it cried for its sins, was too ambitious to deviate from its earthly path. I understand not why GOTT deemed it fit to give me a second chance, but I shall hold it dear and fight against my sins, I shall repay for what I have done and serve in humility. Thus, do I make a Vow before my Father in the Seven Skies and myself. I vow to drop my ambition and fight against it, I vow to never again hold or seek titles or personal power for myself, I shan’t hold titles of power and ambition. Thus, I vow to serve in humility, for my family and the pious King and Country of Haense, who showed itself to be the defender of the righteous faith of GOTT. I shall only work to serve the King, Kingdom and Family, not for myself anymore. Some of my men came with me, Aldred, Alija and my sons Dietrich and Karl made to travel with me to our family. Yet, they shan’t be my men anymore, I have had them enlist into the BSK and serve the Kingdom, as I did myself. Now, I can only pray and see what path my life will take. I hope I will be able to hold to my vows, and I hope that GOTT mercies me for my sins. 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
argonian 12844 Share Posted December 16, 2021 Jurgen paces back and forth through the halls of Freimark, blissfully unaware of his brother's torments. "How the **** do you run a county?" 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ramon 3966 Share Posted December 16, 2021 Karl sat opposite of his father, wondering what he was writing about the entire time. 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts