On the Topic of Domestic Abuse

KeiaTypeBeat · January 30

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Opening Statement

Spoiler

Ha'veh, hello. Keia zah'zeh abreh'ie. My name is Keia. During my time away from LOTC between 2021 and 2025, I became a Guardian, a Parent, and a Victim's Advocate. I worked with my tribe's family violence prevention center, and I specialized in Domestic Violence.

Truthfully, I became aware of many of my own problematic habits and behaviors from the training and professional education I received as a licensed Victim's Advocate. I did not have good models to form a healthy sense of relationships or communication, and the same is true for so many others.

During my time as an advocate, I helped hundreds of tribal and non-tribal people go through the daunting, terrifying process that is leaving abuse. Men, Women, Mix'huga. The young, the elderly. I've helped people who have been on the streets for months, and I have helped tribal congressmen more well off than I ever will be. I have spoken with victims who refused to believe they were being abused, and I have spoken with perpetrators who want nothing less than to know how to stop the abuse they continue enacting.

Domestic abuse can impact anyone of any demographic or class. (1) It can be perpetuated by anyone or any demographic or class. It is pervasive. It is transmissible. It is traumatic.

I hope the information in this post reaches someone who needs it.

𐓷𐓘𐓯𐓤𐓘͘: Wash'kaw, Do Your Best.

It can be overcome.

The wounds can heal.

Our scars don't have to define us.

The ways we are introduced to conflict as children leave an imprint on us. Children exposed to shouting, bullying, and violence are more likely to repeat those behavioral patterns in their relationships later in life than children not exposed to abuse. Teens exposed to domestic abuse are more likely to resort to alcohol, drugs, and sexually risky behavior as coping mechanisms. They become more likely to fail academically, and they are more likely to engage in adult criminality. (2) Adults who express abusive behaviors in front of children then repeat this cycle of abuse.

Demographics of Victimization (3)

Spoiler

While demographics don't control who will be exposed to and perpetuate domestic abuse, historical trauma and systemic racism have affected the likelihood an individual will be born in an abusive environment.

In the United States alone, more than 10 million people will be affected by domestic violence in a given year. 9.1% of Black individuals, 8.6% of Hispanic peoples, and 8.2% of American Indians and Alaskan Natives reported cases of Domestic Violence last year, compared to the non-hispanic white population, of which 5.7% reported victimization. Staggeringly, people who identified as Mixed-Race reported victimization at rates as high as 12%

Individuals aged 18-24 report domestic violence at the highest rates. 38% of self-identified women and 47% of self-identified men reported their first instance of victimization at this age range.

Victimization is also disproportionately reported by queer individuals when compared to their heteronormative counterparts. Societal failings leave little data for analysis, but it is widely believed Trans, Two-Spirit, and other gender nonconforming individuals are of the highest risk for experiencing Domestic Violence.

But why don't they just leave? (4)

Spoiler

Leaving an abusive relationship can be a monumental challenge. Abusers are manipulative and controlling. The normalization of abusive behaviors throughout childhood can leave someone genuinely ignorant to the fact they are being abused, especially when it's the same way they've been treated their entire lives. The joy and relief of having a partner can blind us to the ways they harm and deceive us. The fear of being alone can seem more terrifying than the current situation they find themselves in.

Likewise, disability, mental health, gender, financial status, and a plethora of other factors can leave someone at a higher risk of being controlled and manipulated by a partner. An individual who has become reliant on someone as a caretaker is less privileged in their ability to leave their abuser than one who is otherwise capable of caring for themselves without aid.

Furthermore, when you have not been exposed to healthy relationships, knowing what a healthy relationship should look and feel like can be as difficult as trying to understand a foreign language.

Abusive Behaviors (1)

Spoiler

Intensity: When your partner's reaction to something is disproportionate to the stimulus they are reacting to. Examples: Yelling, Screaming, Threatening Self Harm, Bullying.

Possessiveness: When your partner treats you like an object they own rather than treating you like an independent individual. Examples: Controlling what you wear, how you act, what you do in your free time.

Betrayal: A relationship is a mutually agreed upon social contract. The specifics of the contract is unique to each person, but there is a basic expectation that our boundaries, needs, and limits will be respected. Lying, Cheating, and keeping Secrets from your partner is abusive. If your partner engages in this behavior with you, they are acting abusively. This is not intended to be applied to scenarios where keeping secrets from a partner is done as a matter of personal safety, and it does not apply to secrets in the form of traumatic histories, childhood experiences, etc. A partner forcing you to share details about your life you do not wish to share with them can be abusive.

Isolation: A partner is not meant to be our singular source of happiness and validation. A partner does not replace a community. When a partner keeps you away from your friends, family, and community members, what they are doing is reducing the likelihood their behavior will be called into question by a third party. This is abusive.

Manipulation: If a partner engages in behavior meant to control your perception of them, they are manipulating you. Isolation is a form of manipulation. Love bombing is a manner of manipulation in which a person overwhelms their partner with acts of love and affection, which is usually done to minimize and detract from an act of abuse they wish to be "forgiven." Gaslighting is a manner of manipulation in which a person uses lies and deception to cause a person to question their sense of reality. If your partner goes out of their way to make you question your own logic, feelings, and attitudes about something, they are gaslighting you.

Sabotage: Abusers engage in acts of sabotage as a method of manipulation, isolation, and possession. They may ruin plans to put you into a state of duress, so they may then play the hero who makes your problems go away. They may sabotage an event to make the people in your life look down upon you.

Guilting: When a partner guilt trips you, they are trying to blame their behavior on your actions. This is never okay. We control how we react; we do not control how others react. It is not okay to excuse our own abusive behavior based on the actions of others.

Volatility: Hypersensitivity. As someone who suffers PTSD, I am naturally volatile. That does not mean I get to use PTSD to excuse my reactions. It is my responsibility to understand my triggers and know what to do to keep my episode from affecting my loved ones. Trauma and the presence of mental conditions and disease does not excuse abusive behavior. Being triggered does not excuse what you do when you are triggered. Your partner suffering a very real behavioral condition does not invalidate the ways they may negatively impact you.

Healthy Behaviors (5)

Spoiler

Progressing at a Comfortable Pace: A relationship should feel natural and fluid. A desire to rush into things before you feel comfortable is a red flag. It is common for abusers to rush into relationships. It can be seen as a sign they care more for their own personal enjoyment of the relationship than they do respect your enjoyment of it.

Trust: You have an intrinsic feeling that your partner is not going to go out of their way to lie, deceive, or hurt you. You understand that they care for your wellbeing just as much as they care for their own.

Honesty: You know that when your partner tells you something, they aren't hiding any secrets or conditions. They give you the full truth, every time. They do not withhold information for their own benefit.

Independence: You allow each other to live your own lives separate from each other. Your partner is not a foundational source of wellness. You are not your partner's foundational source of wellness. You are two separate people who have come to enjoy each other's company. You are not a singular unit who must agree on everything the other does.

Respect: They obey your boundaries, and they treat you how you wish to be treated.

Equality: You are equals. The power dynamic does not lean to one side. Your partner's life experience is not used to devalue your own, and there is not an imbalance of maturity that leaves one partner as "the adult." Literally and metaphorically speaking. There is no realm of reality where a minor and an adult can have an equal and intimate romantic relationship. The power imbalance and difference of maturity will always be problematic. If you are a minor and an adult is trying to become intimate with you, they are engaging in an outright act of abuse, control, and manipulation against you. If you are an adult and find it appropriate to engage in intimacy with a minor, you are perpetuating a cycle of abuse and violence. Stop the cycle. Get professional help.

Kindness: They do not bully you, judge you, or belittle your thoughts, ideas, and ambitions. They are nice to you. They express patience, and they show a vested interest in your well being.

Fun: They make life more enjoyable! They add positive experiences to your existence. They make you happy!

Healthy Conflict: Conflict is ever present in all relationships. It is unavoidable, and it is even good to engage with, when done for the right reasons. Conflict for the sake of resolution, solving a disagreement, and expressing genuine concern is vital for us as social creatures. Conflict for the sake of feeling better than someone, putting others down, belittling, and making others feel less than is abusive. It's not okay for your partner to find reasons to fight you. It's not okay for you or your partner to ignore grievances. This builds resentment and, even when done in non-abusive contexts, will negatively impact your relationship in the long term.

Taking Responsibility: Does your partner own up for their mistakes? Do they admit when they were wrong? Do they go out of their way to acknowledge when they have wronged you, even if you didn't notice at first? Do they also take steps to ensure they do not repeat their behaviors? Do they ask you questions about how they make you feel so they can better understand how to respect you? These are all bright, neon green flags. It shows they care more about how they affect you than they care about controlling what you think of them. Conflict is hard. Having difficulties engaging with it is not necessarily a sign of abuse. But, it is necessary for everyone to learn how we best engage with and resolve conflict in our relationships. If your partner cares more about how they feel in an argument rather than how they are making you feel, it might be a sign they are trying to manipulate how you perceive them. As someone who is terrified of engaging in conflict, my PTSD is tied directly to it, I still have to recognize that avoiding conflict can be just as harmful to my partner and our relationship as keeping secrets and lying to them is. Sometimes, what we have to say will be hurtful. Sometimes, that pain can give way to an understanding that bridges two people closer than they were before.

How Can I Get Help? (6)

Spoiler

If you believe you may be experiencing domestic abuse or are in an unhealthy relationship, the best thing you can do early on, if possible, is to tell a trusted loved one. Ask them for their opinions and advice. Tell others when you feel like you are being mistreated by someone, regardless if it is a romantic, parental, or familial relationship. While the information contained in this post has been specific to romantic relationships, domestic violence is applicable to all forms of close relationships. Letting others know of your situation can be critical in escaping abuse.

If you have picked up on some red flags early on into a relationship, it's important to take those concerns seriously and consider if continuing to pursue a relationship with that person is the right thing to do. You do not exist to fix your partner. Your partner should not expect you to provide the tools, knowledge, and patience they need for their healing journey. Choosing to walk that path with someone is beautiful, but it should not come at the risk of your physical and mental health. If you have a loved one who struggles with PTSD or any other behavioral disorder, the way they affect you is valid, real, and important. Their trauma, pain, and hardship never excuses any real pain and abuse they reflect onto you. It is not wrong to date people with PTSD. It is not wrong to want to be the person in their life who makes a difference. But, it is especially critical to maintain a healthy support network. You cannot replenish someone's glass if your glass is empty, too.

If you are in a relationship and are actively experiencing emotional and physical abuse, it is important to tell anyone. If you do not have access to a support network, have had your support network cut off, or otherwise lack resources and tools to escape, there is a plethora of resources available to you depending on your area.

For those within the United States, modern advances in outreach and victim advocacy have paved the way for monumental change. (7) The Violence Against Women Act, VAWA, for example, is a federal law that can provide housing assistance, protections, and legal pathways for people, not just women, fleeing domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault, or stalking. Savanna's Act, also known as the Murdered and Missing Indigenous Persons Act, passed in 2024, seeks to improve law enforcement response to missing or murdered indigenous people, a demographic that experiences massive, underreported, and disproportionately high numbers of these cases.

After you have acknowledged abuse is happening, the next step is to form a plan of escape. A Victim's Advocate can assist with this. Reaching out to a Family Violence Prevention Center, Domestic Violence Shelter, etc, can put you in contact with personnel trained to provide you with the resources and power to take charge of your situation. They can assist with the formation of Protective Orders, and they may even be able to attend court with you. A good advocate will be with you every step of the way until your case is closed with them. They can provide confidentiality, get you in touch with legal resources, and some may even have family counseling services if you believe your relationship can be mended. Some have shelters. While many are gender segregated, men's shelters exist as well.

For Tribal Citizens, even if your tribe does not offer victim advocacy services, a tribe near you likely will. For example, Osage Nation Family Violence serves residents of the Osage County area, Native Americans throughout the State of Oklahoma, and Osages worldwide. Reaching out to the social services of your tribal nation can guide you to finding more applicable resources and culturally-appropriate methods of healing not provided in non-tribal agencies.

Over 80% of Indigenous Women will experience violence in their lifetime. In 2016 alone, there were 5,712 reports of missing American Indian and Alaskan Native women. Over 4,200 of these cases remain unsolved. Because Indigenous Americans lack resources other communities have access to, it is unquestionable that these numbers are under-reported. (8)

How Do I Stop? (9)

Spoiler

We are not at fault for the ways the people in our lives traumatize us. But we are responsible for what we do with that pain. If you believe you recognize problematic behaviors in yourself and are at a loss of how to change your behavior, you need to know that you're not alone. Support networks exist, counseling services are available, and there is no excuse to continue the cycle of abuse. You are not inherently flawed in any way that prevents you from learning better. Your traumas and the actions of others do not excuse your behavior. You are worthy of love, patience, and forgiveness.

If someone tells you you make them uncomfortable, you need to listen to them. If someone says you hurt them, you need to consider their feelings. Ignorance point blank does not stop you from ending your behavior and learning better. A lot of what it takes to be a truly great person is learned behavior. You're not at fault for struggling. You are at fault for not growing. We are all at fault for the actions we do unto others.

Why Are You Posting This?

Spoiler

Online relationships are just as important as our relationships at home. No one is immune from ignorance. I come from a very impoverished community where abuse was not only normalized, but also encouraged. I did not have personal access to the internet outside of a public space until I was 16 and a half years old. No one told me any of this stuff. And, where I'm from, not knowing any of this stuff is the norm.

Not everyone had adults in their lives tell them it wasn't okay to be made to feel the way some of our parents made us feel growing up. Some of us learned how to answer a Child Services interview without raising suspicion before we learned how to articulate how to express when we feel hurt.

Everyone deserves to know how to recognize when they are being treated badly and when they are being treated well. Everyone deserves to know that even if they hurt someone yesterday, they don't have to let that define how they treat people tomorrow. Everyone deserves to feel safe, and everyone deserves the tools and resources they need to learn how to become a safe person.

Knowing can make all the difference. I'm safe. I'm not in a place of abuse anymore, be it irl or online. Sometimes people make these kinds of posts in response to something that happened here in the community, but that isn't the case for this one. I just hope this post reaches someone who needs it. I could've used it as a teen.

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On the Topic of Domestic Abuse

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