A Pen-Pal

[KannAllyEnd 12]

A note sits on the desk of the library. The parchment is folded in half once down the middle. It looks innocuous enough, but what is it?

Being inquisitive--as High Elves often are--you open it, and find the contents to be thus...

Karin'ayla, curious reader. It's a beautiful day, is it not? It always is, in this city. Leyu, it is the city of beauty itself. But lately, I must say, I haven't enjoyed it. The radiant Silver City gleams, and I am a dull blight upon the flagstones, miserable in spite of the vast and wonderful world around me. 'And how?' you are surely asking. How could anyone squander the riches of this glorious city, allow the rich knowledge and vast grandeur that lies behind these walls to go to waste? Ungrateful writer! Why do you pen this treason? I have writhed in guilt over this question for months, and believe me, I understand how wretched I am for feeling this way. Should you end your sympathy for me here, and set this letter down this instant, I understand, llir. Believe me, I bear you no grudge.

But in case you read on, in spite of my disgracefulness, I thank you. Truly. Pathetic, ungracious creature that I am, I know the cause of this misery, and it is loneliness. For though those here are kind, far kinder than any company beyond the haven of our blessed people, I find myself without true friends. And that is because I keep my secrets, much as Haeun'or keeps her people. And though our everlasting city prospers in isolation, pure of the tainted world below...I wither in the shadow of my own fortress walls. Such a pale and sickly creature I've become. So gray and ashamed, a daisy with the petals curled and dying in the shade.

And that is where you come in, treasured reader. You are my only hope.

I shan't tell you my name. I shall only tell you my deeds, my thoughts, and all the things I'll never repeat to the living world. You shall know my secrets, and by reading these words, know that you are as close to a bosom friend as I have ever had. I imagine you, my nameless friend, are holding me tightly in this moment, closer than I'd ever dare let you if we met face to face. I'd imagine from you streams the comfort and warmth High Elven hospitality lacks, for the impersonal nature of our city is cold, and I am bitter with winter. But you, dear, precious reader, are life and summertime, and I cling to you with the imaginary hope of a foolish child praying to a star.

I ache to know you, my friend, I must confess. Leave my your thoughts, your secrets, and I shall leave you with mine. And perhaps, under the safe wing of anonymity, we shall know each other as soul-mates.

Write back to me, llir. Leave the note pinned beneath this desk, and we will be bonded. There shall be you who knows my story, and I, who knows yours.

In this way, you must understand, miraculous reader, you will keep me alive, though you will never see my face.

And for that, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I shall write to you soon.

Maehr'sae hiylun'ehya.

((Heeyy all. I thought this'd be a fun way to get to know each other. Feel free to pen a response, signed anonymously (for added fun), or by name if you prefer. Ante'vuln will respond--no meta, please--and you can also respond to each other! That way, we'll have some High Elven style drama up in here.))

[misssasy11 2]

Barbu looks back and forth checking for other elves before writing a message back in his poor manuscript.

Hello,

Friend.

I feel your pain. The pain of being in this wondrous city yet feeling no wonder. Yet, you know not why. And you know that if this was ever reveled you would be taken out forever. I need excitement. I need adventure. Something that, is so rarely supplied here in this perfect city. This city where everyone and everything is always in line. And so I feel you. I feel what you mean. I am too a dull blight upon the flagstones.

As I have previously said, all I am looking for is excitement. Is an adventure. Those are things that I long for. Yet, with my age it is nearly impossible to get a respected word in, let alone leave the safe, walled in world of Haelun'or. So I sit inside. Never allowed to leave the safety of this perfect haven. Never allowed to see the; dare I say it; more exciting outside world.

Yes, I admit I have left Haelun'or. I have only ever left it though with a guardian. A guardian patronizing my every move. Making me feel a mere child, when I can be so much more. Everyone feels I am not ready for those things I know I am destined to do. This silver city, looks cold from the outside, yet leaves me even colder from the inside. I need to, see the outside world. See everything else. Not to leave my ancestry or to patronize it in anyway. But, only to feel the warmth of freedom. To taste the sweet, sweet nectar of excitement and adventure. I just need to be free. So I feel your pain friend. I too feel the entrapment in this amazing Silver City.

Sincerely,

Friend

Barbu again checks to see any high elves, before quickly and quietly sticking it under the desk.

((fun idea))

[KannAllyEnd 12]

A new letter joins the one Barbu has left beneath the desk. There are blossoms pressed into the page, faded flowers, thin as paper that fall from the scroll when it is opened.

Dearest, dearest Friend,

I must admit to you, upon receiving your letter, I wept. It must have been hours that I cried, simply holding your answer to my chest, my cheeks smeared with grateful wetness. I have reread this letter time and time again, until each word became familiar. You have no idea how dear you have become to me, llir, how each time I read your reply, I felt a little less alone. How sad I must be, to take so much comfort from such a small thing! You must think me rather strange, but how can I explain it? I once heard it said that we live our lives encased in stone cells. In the mute blackness, we rap upon the echoing walls, hoping someone will hear us. But there is no answer, and we are left to the deafening silence of solitude. And so you must imagine my rapture, my utter relief when you answered, tapping a faint, but precious message through the walls: "you are not alone."

My little averir. Your dreams are not so strange. As a young girl, I often thought wistfully of mystical lands and epic quests. I played beneath the trees in Laurelin, and so many fond memories I have of the games I dreamed up. Do you play, llir? Do you make up games to fill with your desires for adventure? That is what I used to do. Sometimes, I was a warrior princess, proud and strong--prowling the night for wrongdoers to taste the justice of my blade. Or I was a fairy, floating amongst the rarest gardens in Asulon. Or a wizard, casting magical spells that crackled across the sky. I had a playmate who would dream these things with me, and looking back, I think that shared imagination is what brought our games to life. She was my partner, my companion as we journeyed through the magical world we wove together.

Oh, friend, we long for different things, you and I. You long to see what is beyond these walls, for responsibility and regard. I have no doubt you will receive these things in time. I know, mayilu, it is difficult to wait for the world, but it is worth waiting for. I promise you, you will not always be so small, and someday the gates will be as nothing to you. You will stride past them as you please, and go where you like. You will find trouble, or it will find you, and you will get all the adventuring you can stand. Just be patient, my dear friend. You will get your chance.

I however, long for something that will never be mine. It lies beyond the realm of what it is to be of the Mali'aheral. Do you remember the playmate I told you of? Well, one day, while we were playing, the spring blossoms drifting down from the trees above... she leaned forward and kissed me. It was a thrill I'd never experienced, and have never experienced since. To this day, I don't know why she did it. But I will never forget the moment she did. Because after that, it no longer mattered whether I was a princess, a fairy, a wizard, or an elf sitting beneath the forest of Laurelin. All the magic I'd longed for was there in the touch of her soft, cool lips--and it was the first heartbreak I'd ever know, to have found my adventure, and to know I'd never be the hero of that story.

I couldn't be. It is not who I am. It is not who WE are.

She is married now, last I heard. They have two beautiful children, and I do not think she remembers me. It is better that way, though. Sometimes I wish I could forget. I wish my dreams went beyond a soft pair of lips to kiss, and a gentle pair of eyes to claim me--as yours do, my sweet llir--but instead, I long for something forbidden. It is an ugly desire, that twists fiercely in my gut and makes me utterly loathe myself. The prosperity of our race spits upon me, and the very nature of my deepest longings. I am the bane of our proud city. I am the place where progress, where future--go to die.

But don't pity me, you really mustn't. Otherwise, I've burdened you, and I couldn't bear that. Don't let your heart be heavy over me. Not you, dear one. Only write to me again, for I already feel lighter, having admitted this to one soul in this world.

-Your friend.

[Yuln 265]

*A letter, written on a rough piece of paper appears on the desk*

Dear friends,

Everyone of us has their secrets and every one has their forbidden desires. If you know that, none is alone. The maheral, the sillumirrir, they have secrets they dont want us to hear. The ones of us who come from Aegis have lived in the mali'ame culture and behaved like a mali'ame. The ones of us born on the mainland or when the city was weaker than how it is now have their "sins". No Mali'Aheral is free from these things so dont think of yourself like this and remember what I said you are not worse than the rest of the city.

As for adventure: Many concider me as of higher age than I am. People forget my age when they speak to me and see my knowledge. Try to build up a name and a base of knowledge, if your wisdom and knowledge grows, so does your status and power. This is the best way to become able to leave the city.

-One of your kind

[misssasy11 2]

Barbu receives his letter from under the desk and breaths a sigh of relief.

Dearest,

Friend.

I am glad to know you have gotten a sense of peace from my letter. I too felt a great burden lifted off my chest with each word written. I know your feeling of emptiness of siol. I too feel that in my everyday life. But my loneliness isn't physical. I see many people everyday who care for me very much, yet I still feel empty. My loneliness is emotional. Even in a crowded room I can feel siol. My heart can be empty even when others feel much love for me. My loneliness is from the same thing as yours, a forbidden wish.

I wish; neigh; LONG to be outside the entrapment of these cold walls. To get out of the Silver City. Something that is forbidden to me. I have been told many a time to love my City. To never feel anywhere else is better. Yet, as I sit here in desperation day after day, I wonder if that is all a ploy. If maybe the outside land is better. If maybe we are just to feel the best to keep the peace. To avoid wanderers, to avoid mayhem. If only the most trusted and ; dare I say it; brainwashed of us all are allowed out of this place. That way they can look down on all and not bring the news of the wonders beyond.

I know I sound truly crazy. And because I am young you may think that my ideas will change as I grow older. And they probably will. But now in my young age, I know that this Silver City of ours is boring. It is a dreadful place to be. The children are never up for adventure, always worrying about the outside world or the ata people outside the walls. Everyone looking down to me and talking to me in a childish way just because of my age. I just wish that someday I can find someone who can take me away. Someone who treats me with the respect I deserve and give me the freedom I long for. That brings me to my second forbidden wish.

I long for respect. I long for freedom. Yet, I long for those all whilst still being a child. I want both. Yet I know in my mind that it can never happen. That as long as I want the responsibilities of a child I should expect the treatment of a child too. And if I want respect and freedom I will need to grow up. To become an adult. A part of the Legion. To get a job and court. All the responsibilities make my head spin. To have the best of both worlds. To still be a child whilst getting respect and freedom. Something that is physically and emotionally impossible. A wish that is implausible in any and every way. Yet I want it more then anything that could be offered to me. I don't want to grow up. I do not want the terrifying responsibilities of doing so. Yet I want all of the rewards. It is a very selfish wish of me, yet it is true. Every word is true, my heart aches as I write this. It knows these things will never be given to it. But it wants it so terribly.

For your wish, I am quite sorry. Though I know you said it would break your heart for me to grief for you I still must. You couldn't obtain the courage in order to tell her and now your life passed you by. You feel a shell, watching yourself from another dimension. Like watching others, not being able to control their actions; not being able to control your own. That sad fact terrifies me. I fear that if I allow all of my dreams to pass me by I too may be left behind. In my young years the world, I can feel moves to fast. I know that if I make one wrong step I could be lost forever, doing something I would never like to do. Yet I know in this fast moving world I could never get an adventure, or respect. I know that if I can not allow the world to run it's course then I will be left behind. I am terrified because I know I will eventually need responsibilities. That I will need to grow up.

Sincerely,

Friend

Barbu folds the parchment, a single tear sliding down his face and dripping on to it. He quietly slips it under the table and leaves hoping for a reply soon.

[KannAllyEnd 12]

Reaching under the desk, you find the letters bundled together in a thick scroll. They are tied with a thin, pale blue ribbon. Untying it, and allowing it to unroll before you, you find that the newest edition to the collection is sitting on top. The now-familiar handwriting covers the page, which is, in many places, glossed over with wax from a dripping candle to keep light by.

My friends,

I feel so very giddy. I am like a happy child with a small pup to play with. Have you ever seen that? The expression on a young one's face when licked by a frantic, wriggling puppy? I think there are few more blissful expressions, few moments of joy more absolute than that of a child meeting his best friend for the first time. And you, my dear ones, you are my wide-eyed delights, with velvet ears to scratch, and doggy-smiles to reward my laughter. You offer me comfort and friendship without question, and though I do not deserve it--I daresay, you've made me wonderfully weak with this warmth. If you could see my face at this moment, you would laugh too, because even the bookshelves seem to quiver with my happiness.

I have another secret to share: I wish I had a dog. It's a silly, reckless wish, but dogs are very good listeners--all contemplative silences and perking ears.

Now, I think shall give you both names, since I do not know your real ones. I'll need something to call you here, in our secret circle of confidence. Young one--my dreadfully dear little dreamer--you shall be Averir, adventurer. Sometimes I imagine your bright face, mayilu. I imagine your sweet, round eyes, full of life and questions, your entire form quivering with energy and relish for new experiences. You are so obviously a brave and powerful soul, and to know your secret dreams, Averir, will always be my privilege. My new friend--you shall be Maeher, wisdom. So practical you are! Your advice reminds me of the way my mother used to speak to me. She was kind, and understanding, but also severe in her way, and this is how I imagine you. You say you are young, and yet I see someone with weight in every step: the weight of a heavy, rich life of experience. It is my belief that one's smile is quite revealing about his or her character. And I imagine that if you smiled at me, Maeher, I would feel humbled, humbled as if I were looking upon the timeless sea.

Ah, Averir, to linger between childhood and adulthood is a struggle I must sympathize with. How frustrating to be pulled in two by your own wishes! Our lives are full of choices, but so few understand the cost these choices demand. Truly, it is...painful! Painful to leave behind the vestiges of innocences, to trade for your freedom. We become jaded and bruised with so many choices, but you, still so young, will feel this pain acutely. I don't envy you. But I do reach for you through the void, with a prayer that my sympathy will making these growing pains more bearable.

Today I wanted to share another secret, lliran. Another sad tale to regale you with--though selfishly, I am overjoyed to tell you these things. Maeher, you are right, we all have our secrets. But it's a bit like being trapped in a dark room, and promised that there is a sun outside. This letter is an outstretched hand through a tiny window--each ray silken warmth and relief for grateful, frozen fingertips.

Anyway, my second secret, my deepest wish, is for the moon. Yes, my precious friends, I have fallen in love with Velulaei.

I have spoken to her but once...twice. And oh, she is beautiful; I'm sure you would think so. Lovely...flawless as diamond, and surely beyond comparison. I barely know her, and yet I know she is, unendingly, the most beautiful thing in the sky. Her smile is like being lifted to the top of the highest tower and dropped through the clouds! I stand beneath the moon each night, and see her there in the perfect lighted circlet above. She is the coy crescent smile above; she is the rounded glory of the full shining moon; oh...she is so much brighter than every star. I tell you that there is not enough night-time to fill with dreams of her! She makes me...ache--probably because I suspect a deep set part of me believes that only she could erase every emptiness inside and fill it instead with pure, silver light!

Understand that being of the Mali'aheral is everything to me. I could never leave this city--partially because she is here--but partially because it is my home. And, it is my dearest pride to be a part of our proud traditions, to be a scholar and student of the ways High Elven tradition. This city is a security and peace I have never known, and I have respect and unerring faith in our ways. Treacherously, the purity of the High Elves is also what I love best about her, my Velulaei. Every bit of her is absolutely etched with the soul of Haelun'or. From the round of her hips, she is beautiful, soft with childbearing...I have long been fascinating with the sweet curve of her side--such a clear indicator her dedication to the progress of our people. Her eyes are crystals, faceted perfection--deep-blue as the sparkling night sky--and all defer to her graceful manner. She knows not how she tears me in two, this Velulaei. Oh, but if she did!

...Truly she would weep if she knew how I longed for her. Weep at my wasted fertility, at my selfishness. No, I shall never disgrace her with my wishes. I revere her as much as I adore her. And it is true, I have avoided her, though missing the sight of her is torturous. Ah, but don't be fooled, my friends. I'm not so noble. The truth is, I cannot bear the idea of HER knowing how despicable I am. You alone shall know how vile my sickened heart is.

Though I wrote her once: a poem to her dedication, the way lovers do. The way I would if I could dedicate my life to her the way I so dearly long to, to forever worship Velulaei. But just as I've left this note, I left that message unsigned, and unpublished as well. I wanted her to know my admiration, but to publish it would legitimize my feelings. I could not humiliate the grand traditions of courtship with my polluted wishes.

And now you undoubtably know with certainty: I am a cowardly dandelion, friends. One puff would send me to the wind. But thank you...for being patient with me, and for all you have done simply by listening. My third and final wish is for you to write back to me, and to know more your wishes as well!

Sincerely,

Your ardent friend.

[Yuln 265]

*Another letter appears on the desk, this time written on a fine white paper decorated with some curved golden runes, the inks is the same, though.*

Lliran, Averir and Ehierir,

Ehierir, I gave you this name because Im sure you'll find your awnsers. I do not know if this name completely suits you, since I cannot see your soul. If it does not suit you, you'll grow to it and awnsers will be given.

Dont worry about your wishes, Im sure you'll find a way to fulfill them one day. Try not to break yourself on them. To both of you I say this: "Find a way to keep yourself buisy while Karin rules, dream in the time of Ker. Dreaming will help you, but try not to get stuck in it.

Let me tell you this about myself: I am reckless. I understand why you gave me the name, but it will only suit me from time to time. If my heart becomes stronger than my mind, I am doomed to act most foolish, several times this nearly got me killed. I am young compared to other Mali'Aheral, as well in age as in knowledge.

Ehierir, Your desire is similar to my own. I long someone to love, who I can trust, but it has to be a mali'aheral. A lot of men have fallen in love with me, some nicer than others. One time I fell in love myself, its hard to resits the desire to surrender yourself to the feeling. Eventually I stayed thill, but Im alone.

-your friend, Maeher

[misssasy11 2]

Barbu notices a new letter and breathes a sigh of relief. He sits down at the desk his head spinning with thoughts.

My Dearest Friend,

Today, I am so very lost. Never before has such a sense of helplessness come over me. I thought I had solved all my problems. I thought all was well. I thought I was finally an adult. Someone who could handle my fears. I was wrong. Terribly wrong. I am very sorry dear friends if this letter is long, or painstaking to read, but I know that doing this will make me feel just a bit better. And I know that your reply will heal all. And right now that is all I can be sure about in this world.

Let me start from the beginning. I am 20 now. I am to act like an adult even though I do not necessarily look like one. I thought I would be able to handle that. I thought after reading your letter it would be easy. But, it isn't. I learned something new in me when I wrote this first letter. I learned, the love of reading. I learned that I could feel all your emotions just by reading your manuscript. I knew that I longed for adventure. So when I found a book about the Valah I was very excited. I felt that would cure my needs. And it did. I learned that every emotional need a person has can be solved by a simple book. My loneliness was gone. I was now friends with the Valah in my book. I felt life was finally looking up. That I didn't need true adventure to be happy. I felt that if I was mentally having an adventure that was all I needed. I reread that book many times. I know it cover to cover and can recite it all. All of these people are my best friends. All of the places I feel I have traveled them and know them so well. I had finally gotten my adventure.

That is when I decided that being a scholar was a right choice for me. To stop being pushed into the legion and find something that made me happy. Yet, no one around me would be happy. I knew it. Everyone expected me to follow my father's footsteps. To become a great member of the Legion. And in my younger days I had so hoped for that. For those chances of adventure. Have I truly given up on all I once held dear? Have I let the world do with me what it wants? I thought I was happy but now I am not so sure.

Then, today I met Dio. He explained that he felt there wasn't enough to do in the city. He said they were having a trip around the country to meet all the races. He said he could try to see if he could get children invited. To leave Haelun'or. Once my biggest dream. The dream I had ditched for a pursuit of what I had once called hapiness. Now I am not so sure. I would love to leave. To explore. To meet the people in my book. To see the places. To have an adventure.

Now I am leaving you with a question dear friends. Is it possible? Is it possible for me to have both? To keep my childish dreams of adventure and to become a scholar of the highest standards? To be like Dio, so intelligent and wise? Yet, still looking for an adventure around every turn? Will I have to give up one dream for the other? Can I love both equally? I must know. I need to know which way my life should turn. To be an adult, or to be a child? When I feel so inclined one way or the other one phrase can sway me. Do I even know? Do I know what is happening around me? Am I ready for this adult world?

Your Dear,

Averir

Barbu closes the letter and hides it. He breaths a slight sigh of relief but still feels much tension. Barbu tentatively walks out scared of the outside world.

[Yuln 265]

*Another letter appears on the desk, written on a pale white paper.*

Averir,

Adventure is in books as well as in life. You did great in finding this, that you find adventure in books too. You longed for adventure your entire life and now you found it, however in a different form than you expected. You say you are not sure what you want: the adveture you longed for, or the adventure you found.

If you go with tour trough Asulon you'll certainly find adventure, if you keep reading you'll find adventure too. You know how adventure from books is, but do you know how adventure from life is? Go with Dio and find out, if you know how it is you will find what you like best. If you still doubt afterwards, you dont have to dedicate all your life to one thing. We Mali'Aheral have a long life, in this much time, we can do more than enough. You can be a scolar and an adventurer, if that is what you desire. Eventually you'll find your own path, but you'll need to know how the other pathes are before you can make your own.

-Your friend, Maeher

[Dohvi 622]

Delonna walks up to the letters he has been observing for some time now, and decides it is finially time to write a letter of his own. He carefully looks around to make absolute sure he is alone, before sitting down and beginning to write on a piece of paper that is uncharacteristicly bland for him.

Hello my friends

Whilst this is the first time you have heard from me, i will admit that i have been listening to you all for sometime now. It gives me some degree of comfort knowing im not alone, just by reading your letters to each other. I realise that proably sounds silly, when none of them are even addressed to me, but somehow it just does.

Strange how one can feel so alone in this city, even when they are surrounded by people. I truly think i understand what you mean by that, and cant help but feel the same way. I feel i have trapped myself in this wonderous yet lonely city. I look beyond our walls, and i long to go out and explore, but when i try to leave the safety of this city, i find myself trembling. Face to face i might deny it, but to you i find myself able to admit the fact, that i am frightened to leave the safety of this city, of my home. The world seems a more dangerous place than i remember it. That probably sounds silly to most of you, but i cant help but feel i have grown over accustomed to the safety of this city, despite how much i wish to explore that which is beyond our walls.

Sometimes, i truly question whether or not i am happy in this city at all, there is much that is not how i would wish it to be. It almost seems wrong, for there to be conflicts and lies in this beautiful city we live in, yet even Haelun'or has it's secrets and lies. It would be a lie to say i am free of such secrets too, for i hold a secret which is painful for me to even think about. Its something i have guarded close to my heart, but if i feel i need to get it off my chest. I have developed strong feelings for a beautiful young Mali'aheral, but i also witnessed her engaged in an impure interaction with a member of a lesser race. For sometime now i have tryed so hard to believe she just made a mistake, but some of her recent actions have led me to question whether that might just be the fantasy of a lovestruck fool.

I have probably already said too much on the matter, so i will leave it there, and return to my thoughts.

Your Friend.

Delonna closes his letter and hides it with the rest of them, before attempting to regain his composure and walking out.

((Im really sorry if my ending seems abit sudden, i was getting tired and drunk.))

[Yuln 265]

*Yuln sits down behind the desk when she notices the new letter. She picks it up and observes the handwriting, not one she had seen before. When she's read it, she takes out a quill and starts writing a response*

Fi'llir,

This letter of yours left me a little puzzled, I wondered why you think the outside world is so dangerous. The only thing to fear in the world beyond our walls is your own stupidity. You say you are afraid to leave the city, but evenso you desire it. You want to leave the loneliness of the city, I dont think you'll find satisfaction outside Haelun'or. I hope you'll get over your fear, but I dont have any advise for you on this. The only thing I can do is wish you luck and that you may follow your maehr.

Your second point, I completely understood. You are not the only one who feels that lies lie in the silver city. I myself feel a desire to find them, though not all will give them to me openly.

If you wonder if you can become happy here, then I can only say the same thing to you as I said to Averir and Ehierir; find something to keep you buissy for as far as you can distact yourself from your unhappiness. However, if you need to fill up the emptiness and your desire and think you really need to talk to the Mali'Aheral you have the feel for, but still wonder if she made a mistake or not, approach her. You'll need to know what she will say to you, if your fears indeed seem to be true you can leave it, but if they appear to be false, your doubts will be gone and you might find a way to fill up your loneliness.

I, once again, wish you luck and that maehr may guide you.

-your friend, Maeher.

[KannAllyEnd 12]

The letters have been bound, carefully sewn together with a makeshift binding. You find the latest installment written and placed on top.

Terribly sorry for the wait. My life has become unexpectedly busy. I have not abandoned you, my dear lliran. Never.

Sometimes, in a sleep-deprived delusion, I see myself sitting in my usual place, stooped over multiple volumes in the library. I can barely recognize this hunched person, looking so endlessly small beneath the shadow of her bookshelves. It is in these moments that I am overcome with a sense of deep self pity, and then shame. Because my posture is that od one who is hiding. It becomes clear in these rare, addled moments, how often I have become fear's prisoner, and the realization of makes me shake my head at myself.

My Averir, I beg you, you mustn't allow yourself to be diminished this way. You are far too good for that. You are too sweet, too strong to sit with a book in your hands, the word outside the pages dulled to white noise. Books and reading are worthy pastimes, but you mustn't live your life vicariously. You'll end up like the hollowed-eyed person I have observed, buried in books. That person is not someone you want to be, mayilu. That person's closest friends would not recognize her in a crowd of hundreds, or indeed if they passed her in the streets. Do not end up like me, Averir. Go exploring. Write your own books. Do not live between the dead pages of parchment and old words others leave behind; you will waste that heart of yours.

My new friend--I shall call you Talyiina'ikru, or foolish heart. This is not meant as an insult. I of all people know that the whims of the heart cannot be denied, and attempting to do so drives us to utter misery. I have tried to make myself content with memories and daydreams, but it becomes harder and harder to deny that I am unhappy this way. As I do not wish my loneliness on Averir, I do not wish my wistfulness on you, Talyiina. The phantom of Velulaei sleeps beside me each night, and she, though is lovely lighted with my every cherished hope, is cold and substance-less. Find someone warm to hold, answer the call of your heart, and fight for its wishes. Please, take the lesson I've learned the hard way, and do it differently. Be brave for your heart, and you will be rewarded with the sweet, unshakeable assurance of a warm embrace in the dark.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm not so smart. Perhaps hearts possess an ancient wisdom, and pump with the assuredness in this world which we lack. If we'd follow the seemingly illogical pullings of the heart, perhaps we'd learn the secrets of happiness. Perhaps the endless struggle between who we know we should be, and who we are in the moments where instinct overrules the confines of perception is a fruitless one. I wonder, my friends...if letting go would bring any peace.

I have essentially given you the same advice as our Maeher. I'm not so original, but it is good advice. See the world, love heartily; why do such simple things become so elusive?

I have recently had some encounters with a lovely lady in town. She is extraordinarily beautiful, and for reasons that would seem obvious, she reminds me of the stars. The stars can be quite mesmerizing, in their own way, swathed like diamonds strewn over blue velvet. You can get caught up, staring up at them, flecks of shimmering light hiding behind a torn veil of cloud-wisp. They twinkle and glisten like friendly winks from heaven, and it's impossible not to be awestricken by the unmasked beauty of the stars above. I admire her the way an astronomer does her night sky, standing below with quiet admiration for the sheer loveliness of her glittering presence in the sky. Besides, she is quite kind to me, and it makes me a bit dizzy. And I have rarely seen anyone so very beautiful who has ever been so hospitable. Ah, I shouldn't make observations on her; I am going to get myself into trouble if I give into my wicked impulses. But it is hard to help, for if you saw her, I promise--you would be distracted, also. She is, in the conventional sense, the epitome of beauty itself.

Sigh, but it is for naught, because inevitably, this lady reminds me of my Veluaei. For all things lovely do, and then must pale in comparison to her. Even the loveliest star is but a pinprick of light beside the lady Velulaei. The stars fade around the edges of the moon. In an objective way, I can take in beauty, enjoy the splendor of the Silver City and all the grandeur it holds. But I am engulfed completely by my Velulaei, always. How could I ever look away from her pearlescent halo? She has captured me as a fish on a hook--sharp metal talons speared straight through my foolish heart. I understand your pain, Talyiina. For my Velulaei comes dangerously close to eroding my sense of duty to all but this beating heart. She is in everything I see, and by nightfall, when I watch the moon rise above the sea, I am filled with the odd desire to fling myself to the waves and swim to her.

Even the memory of my first kiss, which for so long defined me in ways I strove against each day, has become less precious. For I'd trade even that moment--the most defining moment of my life, for a single second of Velulaei's regard. If she'd look at me with those eyes, touch me with those hands, allow my name to fall like petals from those lips...I believe I would float away, sprout wings, and become a drifting firefly, lazy circling forever into the rosy dawn.

What I wouldn't give for the bravery, for the utter foolishness of a single moment. A moment so reckless and and senseless that I forget who I am, where I am, indeed what I am, and rush to take her into my arms. I'd kiss her senselessly, tell her she is flawless, whispered closely into her ear so that she knows, beyond a doubt, how true it is, and then kneel at her feet and promise to never leave her side.

But in reality, I will probably just watch her from afar as she passes without knowledge of who she is to me. Sometimes, I am branded, skin singed black beneath the hot iron of guilt...for she looks so lonely sometimes. Those wide blue-eyes are chasms of endless depth, and at times I believe they are filled to the brim with longing. It is then when I think...I wonder...if my Velulaei is as lonesome as I am...beingso far above the world, with no one climb the heavens and kiss her cares away.

I am such a coward. If I had a single backbone in my body, I would tell her how I feel.

[Dohvi 622]

*After slipping out of the inn while everyone is distracted, Delonna heads up to the college to read what new letters have been added, and write a new one of his own.*

My friends

I will admit i have very much missed you all, and shed a tear each day no new letters were added. I do not mean to burden you with my troubles, but these last few weeks have been most difficult for me.

I should feel a sense of closure, knowing exactly where i stand, but yet, i feel only pain. I had very much planned to confront her, but she beat me to it. A kiss on the cheek and a note in my hand, and that was it, nothing but painful memories and a goodbye note to remember her by. Now she is gone from my life, and i know not whether i will ever look apon her face again. I am left almost wishing i had never fallen for her, i cannot look at the stars without remembering one night where we just lay down and watched them for hours on end. I guess i should be glad to have such memories, but every time i think of them, it reminds me of the wound my heart has suffered.

Nothing feels right anymore, almost as if this place, that has been my home for years has turned cold and heartless. I see joy all around me, but i feel none myself. I feel only cold, dark, emptyness. I honestly dont know how much longer i can stay here, in this city where everything reminds me of my broken heart. Maybe i am naive, young and stupid. There are many Mali'aheral that are much wiser than I, that much i know for certain. There are also many braver than i, though i think i may indeed be forced to face my fears and leave, lest i be consumed by my pain. I don't wish to sound dramatic as i write this, but I can hardly sleep anymore, and it sometimes feels like the pain in my heart is trying to rip me in half.

My friends, i wish i could could give you wise and comforting words, and maybe one day i will be able to, but for now my mind is too clouded.

Your friend

~Talyiina

*Once finished writing, Delonna adds the letter to the rest before hurrying away*

[misssasy11 2]

Barbu comes running into the library tears pouring down his face. Frantically shuffling about for a quill and a piece of paper.

My Friends,

It is official. My life is completely over. I have found out my parents have arranged me to be married. They have thrown me into the world. I now, have no choice. I have to grow up. But, it pains me so much. I know not what to do. I do not know what I should do with my life. All I know is that I do not want to grow up. I also don't want to marry. The world is moving so quickly now. Much to quickly to keep up.

I do not wish to talk to this girl again. She was once my friend. But, now she is my future wife. She is quite happy with the way things turned out. I couldn't be more upset. She says she cares for me. And I am sure she does, but I am not sure I care for her. This girl, who was once my mischievous friend who would go on races with me, is lost. Now all that stands there is a grown up, claiming to be her.

Friend, you have yet been given a name. I think to you as a motherly figure. And that is why I say, go for it. Go for your dreams. Do not be like me and let the world push you into a corner. Because, dear friends. When you are in this corner it is very uncomfortable. You have your back against a wall and are pressured there by the people around you. You have no where to turn but in on yourself. That is where self loathing comes from I imagine. I do hope that symptom doesn't set in on me for a while though.

Please, Dear Friends. I want-no-I need a response. I need one quickly. For I do not know how to react. How to be a grown up. I am so lost right now. I need your guiding hand. Or else I fear I may do something drastic.

Please,

Your Dear Averir

Barbu folds up the tear stained letter quickly and shoves it together with the rest. He then runs out of the library int o the rain sobbing all the way.

[KannAllyEnd 12]

Ante'vuln stares at her page, quill poised to write. It takes her thirty seconds to burst into angry tears, fists pounding against the table and muffled screams in her throat. Body tensed and quivering, she sits up abruptly. Her quill is snapped between her fingers. She tears the blank piece of parchment in half, and with a furiously sweeping arm, she knocks over the inkwell and pile of pages to the floor. As the ink puddles on the floor, she collapses on the desktop, sobbing brokenly. She sighs, stilling herself at last, and then is silent for may moments, spent.

Sighing, she rises and begins to lean the clutter. The ink stain in the carpet can't much be helped (she hopes no one notices). She mops it up as best she can with the torn bits of parchment, but it remains--an ugly black scar on the flooring. Her broken quill and the messy, wasted parchment are disposed of, parchment rearranged neatly on the desktop. Slumping down in the stiff-backed chair, she rereads the treasured responses to her original letter, the progression of kindness she has received from these strangers. Drawing a new quill and inkwell, she smoothes a new sheet before her.

My dear Averir, Talyiina, and Maeher,

Such a ***** and peculiar vessel is the heart. For most of one's existence, it beats beneath the confines of bony ribcage, its wet thumps sustaining life and limb with mostly undeviated rhythmic dedication. You stop noticing your heart after awhile, vital though it be. You fail to acknowledge it's necessity, for why appreciate the inevitable? Who amongst us does not take the heartbeat for granted?

Well I think that hearts sicken of this treatment. Perhaps that is why, someday, they choose someone new to beat for. No longer the faithful, dependable tattoo of life itself, your heart instead takes on new patterns. When its chosen new possessor walks by, your pulse becomes frantic, pumping wildly as the whirr of hummingbird wings. Catch this person's eyes, brush against them in the marketplace, observe their smile--even from a distance--and your heartbeat will triple this impossible sequence. Stay away from your heart's new forsworn, and it will punish you by barely beating at all. The sluggish, adagio'd rhythm slows to a dead-march. Indeed, you live in constant terror of your heart either bursting or ceasing entirely out of despondency. What was once so simple to rely upon, suddenly takes upon itself the entirety of your attention and energy. Appeasing this treacherous heart will become the ultimate distraction; I wonder, if we paid them more attention in the first place....would they perhaps fail to rebel so?

I wish I had known it sooner. I wish I'd been able to appease this aching heart of mine, for now it seems determined to make my life so miserable as to become nearly unbearable. You, my fellow battered friends of heartbreak, must surely know how it feels. I find myself wishing I could be severed entirely from my dependency on this strange and fragile vessel. When circumstance refuses your heart its prize, what can you do but suffer the consequences of a spurned, despondent--but ever foolish, ever hoping--heart, so intent on inventing fresh ways to cause agony?

Ah, Averir. Arranged marriage to a childhood friend. It has no poetic justice to it whatsoever. Speaking in terms of idealism, being forced to marry a fellow pure elven brother or sister should be no punishment, and is in fact both a practical and reasonable request. Speaking in terms of one who knows that the yearnings of the heart do not always follow reason and protocol, I say that no one should be forced into such a union. It is an abomination of the spirit; how can they assume your happiness for you, knowing not your heart for themselves? Practicality shares no stock in how the heart draws happiness; your parents are foolish and blind not to realize it. I will try to offer you some practical advice here. Surely they will not force you to speak the vows. If you are not yet ready to marry, I see no reason on earth why you could not refuse. Why you could not simply tell them to trust your judgement--especially should you confide in them that you aren't opposed to the match, only being matched. Would your parents simply ignore you? High elves are apt to listening to reason. You must simply tell these people that you shall marry when you find love, and that you will respect the law, you will respect your purity, but you will NOT respect the tyranny of heart; never!

You needn't lose your friend over this. Merely tell her you want to know her before you promise to love her. You want to be sure you can make her happy before you dedicate your life to the pursuit of her joy. And you want to be sure she inspires you to be a good father before she makes you one regardless.

Talyiina, my dear, I am sorry, truly. Sorry that the world seems hell-bent of denying us the demands of our hearts. As I have said, the heart longs for the unreasonable while the world demands our reason. We mustn't despair at the contradiction. We must simply deal with it. They say that to move on, you must ignore the painful reminders of what you have lost and instead focus on what there is to be gained.

I am not one to ask how to do this; I know not. I only know that each day, as the sun rises and the moon falls, we pick ourselves up where we left off for dreaming....and build the day a little better than the day before. Perhaps a broken heart can never be mended, but I beg of you--do not feel diminished by it. But both of you, my dearest Talyiina and my beloved Averir, I hope you understand my meaning when I tell you that you are beautiful, you are perfect, you are precious--and even if you are rejected, treated like something exchangeable....you are not diminished.

Only overlooked by the blind, the stupid, the stubborn, and the careless. They will be the ones to die alone, without love to mark their grave with meaning. You shall be adored. You shall find the bliss of knowing and being known, the rapture of having touched a life so deeply as to merge with it. You shall have the rapture of a happily beating heart in the possession of another, and through this possession, know what it means to truly belong. For all the High Elven promises of significance in purity, this letter proves that there is a lot of loneliness. Love is the cure for such, and though we must make sacrifices for our race--never this. Hold onto those longings, and let them blossom when they are given sun. They will lead to a happiness and assurance that not even Pure Blood shall give you. We must love those of our race, but confine yourself not to loyalty and pride alone. Your responsibility to your happiness must be met as well. I swear, you will find that happiness if you continue to search for it. As long as you hold onto the knowledge that you deserve no less, and make no compromises on this--you shall have the one who makes you whole.

We are not animals. We must bear children for the future of our Blessed race, and yet we should NOT be bred like beasts. There must be balance in all things. Our responsibility to our race must be upheld against our personal desires--to ignore either is to doom yourself.

I won't be doomed. Even if I must sleep on the jagged pieces of a broken vessel--I shall not treat myself like one who does not deserve love.

Please, my beloved friends, do the same. Be happy, be blessed--even our long lifetimes are too short to be spent writhing in misery. And you, my adored lliran--you deserve this least of all.

Yours.

Ante'vuln gently sews the letters together and pins them beneath the desk. She closes her eyes one last time, sending a silent message to her fellow writers of untold gratitude. For she has found in them, every reason not to despair.