Time Will Not Always Heal

[rukio 8924]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1IHmLrOQwE   

            “I think its best I forget I ever knew you…” The girl let her voice trail off, unable to meet his eyes.

                “Okay.”  His voice was flat and emotionless.

                “How can you just stand there and say that? Why won’t you insist I stay, give me some reason to believe you EVER cared. Even slightly, why can’t you?” She looked at his face, shaking her head and fighting back the tears. “I LOVED you, I still love you, and I probably always will. Don’t…please don’t abandon me.” Her voice began to crack.

                He said nothing for several moments, resigning himself to shrug his shoulders. She never looked away; she needed to know that he cared or that he didn’t care. He couldn’t meet her face any longer and looked up at the sky, putting his hands in his pockets. Feeling the situation hopeless, the girl began to turn away, heart full of dejection. A step, and then another step as she gave up, feeling herself die inside with every step.

                “It’s not that I don’t care…” He said, realizing that she was almost gone.

                “I…” She paused but didn’t turn around.

                “Just listen, okay?” he responded, taking two cautious steps towards her, unsure of how unstable she was at this point.

                She nodded, turning to look at him. Her eyes had gone foggy, a defeated look on her face as though she was accepting and coming to terms with him hating her. He inhaled deeply, braced for the emotional breakdown anyone who spent any time with the girl knew was bound to happen. She remained calm, not exploding or crying, she showed no emotion at all. He took this as a good sign and continued.

                “I…never mind, it isn’t important.”

                Both of them looked at each other, unsure of what the other would say next, neither wanting to speak first. Eventually the girl nodded, a broken smile on her face. Both stood there, knowing everything they wanted to say was better left unsaid. In the girl’s heart, she knew this was the last time they would see each other. He was leaving, abandoning her just like everyone before him had done. Emotions welled up inside of her, and the girl took a step forward, hugging him. The boy said nothing and did nothing. He simply allowed her the hug, putting his arms around her as she began to cry.

                “Remember your promise, okay? Remember you promised you won’t regret any of this.” He replied, his voice quickly fading away as the dream began to end.

                “NO! Please…” She screamed, thrashing around as she struggled to stay in her dream.

                A grey cat stood next to her once she awoke. Tears stained her cheeks and her pillow was in her arms, as though she’d held onto it for dear life the whole night. The cat stepped onto her chest and stared down at her, purring loudly. The girl pushed the cat away and got up, not wanting the affection at that moment in time.

                Sleepily staring at her reflection, the dark lines under her eyes reminded her that she hadn’t slept in weeks. Looking closer at her eyes, the girl mentally noted at the ever lightening of her eye color, the loss of interest in life obvious. Groaning, she recalled that today was Friday and there was still school. Feeling too sad for that, the girl crawled back into bed and buried her head under the blanket, trying to pretend she didn’t exist. Eventually she fell back into sleep, but her dreams were dark, there was nothing left there for her, just like everywhere else it seemed.

                Eventually the sun became unbearable, and the girl awoke once more. Half asleep she left the comforting safety of her bed once more, reflexively retrieving her razor blade. She hadn’t cut to truly harm herself in quite a while, just simple cuts across the upper leg, one a day, one for every day he wasn’t there. He’d been gone long enough that she had it down to a science. She had began to cut in small sections and move them around every week or so, that way she would never run out of places to cut on her upper legs. It brought no relief, nor pain anymore. She was numb to the world around her, lost behind her walls. Her mental body was broken, beaten and shattered by her BPD inside of her walls. She’d found a way to cope, a thing she had promised herself she’d never return to. Pain killers were meant to take away extreme physical pain, but she found they dulled the senses well enough for her. On pain killers she could smile, laugh, and joke around as if nothing bothered her.

                Pain killers were an old and familiar enemy she had once escaped, only to be dragged down to the dungeons of despair once more. Addiction had caught up to her, another monster that she could not defeat. At first she had started taking painkillers again to take the edge off of her pain, to let her escape her own sadness. As time wore on, she soon found that they did not work as well as they once had. At first she increased the dose, but eventually even that didn’t work, her body was becoming tolerant. Soon enough she found herself experimenting, desperate to escape what she perceived as hell. As weeks turned to months, she found herself lost and divided. Part of her was trapped in a bottle, the other half in a needle.

                At some point she’d become promiscuous. That was when her female friends grew sick of her and left. She was no longer the clean and seemingly pure girl they had come to know and love. She was an ill, spiteful monster who didn’t hesitate to start a fight or tell people to kill themselves. It hadn’t mattered to her when they first left, and it still didn’t. Her standards were now low, and her self esteem had hit rock bottom. In her mind she was no longer a girl; she was a corpse, a floating ghost who only showed herself when she felt like it. Most days she locked herself in her room and became lost in her mind, until memories had become too painful and she had started suppressing them.

                She had disconnected from her peers almost entirely and had finally given up on school. It was meaningless now, everything was meaningless to her. She felt that she had no purpose, that she simply existed to exist. Words from her biology teacher became her suicide philosophy, the only thing she forced herself to ever remember.

                With a weak smile she recalled it once more in her mind. Humans are 99% nothing, as are walls, and yet humans cannot walk through walls. The atoms cannot align themselves right. She laughed, forcing herself to not remember the other thing he had once said. We’ve all seen them, those people who walk the hallways without seeing anything. I find that to be such a sad existence, the world is so full of beauty but they are too caught up in their own sadness to notice it. To her it seemed as if it didn’t matter how many times she tried, she couldn’t phase through the walls in the prison she called “life”, though it truly was no life she lived.

                After countless failed ODs, attempts to drown herself, and stitches from cutting too deep, the girl had stopped trying to end her life. Not so much because she found a reason to live, she’d lost that, but rather the threats her family had made if she tried again. Deep down she knew they cared, they just didn’t understand. No one understood what she felt, no one ever would. Her family had threatened to send her to a mental institute, thinking she would snap out of it and become rational. Instead, she had simply stopped being obvious about her self-harm. Not out of love for them, she only had love for one person, but rather a desire to never speak about what had killed her inside, no matter who she was speaking to. Soon enough her arms healed and most people assumed she was fine, she had finally bounced back. Her mask was a smile, a façade so everyone would stop pretending to care. Everyone had said she would feel better with time, but time had taken her memories of him and every emotion she had once expressed. Time had destroyed her, not healed her. It had almost been a year, and each passing day stole what had made her, her, until finally she was no one.

                She wasn’t sad anymore, though that had been her last emotion. She was emotionless and numb to everything; everything just required too much effort. She had no desire to die, but she had no love for life either. She was merely an empty shell, a creature with nothing to live for, nothing mattered anymore. Her world was gone, and she was too lost in self loathing destruction to start again.

                “Almost a year…” her thoughts jumbled in her mind and it took her several moments to sort the letters out. In her mind she spelled each word twice and said each one aloud, as though words were losing their meaning and no longer made sense. Eventually she processed them and gradually came to understand that she’d be dead inside almost a year. Breathing, eating, and existing, but a corpse without a grave nonetheless.

                That meant it was very late 2014, another year come and passed. She stood in front of her mirror once again. For the first time In a long time she saw herself, not just a passing glance that was quickly forgotten. She was paler than she remembered, her eyes more sunken and her posture more slumped than before. Her skin was covered in bruises, some she didn’t remember, others that were fresh and still darkening. She nodded to her reflection, as though to quietly greet a stranger she felt ill at ease about.

                “I’m disgusting.” She thought to herself, only seeing flaws that weren’t there. That’s all she was to herself, flaws. Though she acknowledged this, she saw no reason to change for the better. Things never became better; she only ended up worse off than before she tried. He was her last attempt to try, and she had failed miserably.  Disgusted with her own appearance, she quickly abandoned the mirror, curling back up in a ball on her bed. She soon forgot what had just transpired, her mind quickly erasing every new memory, repressing all and saving none.

                He hadn’t been her first attempt at happiness, but she had done everything in her power to ensure he would be her last. Even half decent boys had been chased away by her erratic and oft times violent behavior. Originally she had merely pretended to be such, but it soon grew to be her personality. Like a weed, the hatred killed the rest of her personality, and finally winter had set in, killing even the hatred. She felt nothing and had no desire to.

                An old song came to her mind, like the security blanket she had used music as back when she still held hope. It was quiet and broken, her memory of the song half gone. What she did remember she hummed, finally struggling to recall something. Eventually she tried to sing the words, struggling to remember, and getting tongue tied several times. Slowly, though uncertainly, she pieced together the song and what it had once meant to her. Grief took away her mask, revealing the crying face that she had hid so long.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JdBBbBZquU

[Ford 1996]

meh

[Knox213 10]

Moved to the Archive. It shall be sorted into the appropriate category shortly.